It feels like I completed a PhD in trauma healing in the last 2/3 of 2020, with its curriculum being experiencing and then finding my way out of tremendous pain and fear. Processing all kinds of childhood trauma which I previously wasn't strong enough to deal with and feel. But that after years of intense healing work and diligently working on creating a more solid foundation in myself, I finally had the emotional bandwidth to face. The cool thing, as happens to me each time I go through one of those tough layers of darkness/healing, is that I now find myself in a place of having so much more clarity on the healing journey, and life in general! And notice myself able to be even more effective in my work with women, both in the Clean Parenting program and in my healing sessions, being able to shortcut my clients' journey to thriving and living their intentions even more than before. A recent powerful insight I've had is how important it is for those of us who are HSPs and have experienced trauma to become ADVOCATES for ourselves. (NOTE: If you're not sure if you've experienced trauma, read this article I just published on some of the everyday causes of it or watch this brand new video I recorded with my dear friend Dana who has also experienced trauma and also works with women who have {including me, as she's one of my main and most beloved support persons! ♥} Women I work with are often shocked to realize that the cause of some of their challenges is trauma, which they never previously realized they had experienced. Both because of the narrow definition it's often given as well as most of our society considering normal many damaging things that are commonly done to children.) It's important for us to become advocates for ourselves because the sad truth is that people in our lives who aren't HSPs and haven't experienced trauma, no matter how wise and well intentioned they are, have no way of knowing what life is like for us! And no way of knowing what we need. Us thinking that they should know, that one or a few conversations we've had with them about it should make them understand us and our needs, us getting upset at them for not understanding us, not attuning to our needs or doing what we asked them to is not only ineffectual but unfair to them. It's impossible for them to know how paralyzed we get, how confused our minds get, how much something that seems utterly trivial can affect us and throw us into fight/flight mode, or how we might be completely unable to make decisions, take action, etc, because we're in freeze mode, all a result of trauma. It's impossible for them to understand just how much our sensitivity affects us, how overwhelmed our nervous system can get in what can seem like just normal living and interactions with others, when we're HSPs. Just like a white person, no matter how much they study the topic, can never truly understand what it's like to live as a black person. How a person who has 2 functioning legs can never truly understand the reality a paraplegic lives with. It's the exact same thing for HSPs and for people with trauma!! I've even recently come up with the term 'decent childhood privilege.' This is a phenomenon where someone who was mostly 'wired right,' through decent parenting can never understand just how challenging things they consider simple can be for us, when our whole foundation is off and we lack some of the most basic building blocks for living effectively as a human. What likely all of you who follow me, like myself, have committed to ensuring your children never have to deal with. The only way we can have healthy, supportive and fulfilling relationships with our loved ones and the only way we can get our unique needs met is to become skilled at talking about them and asking for what we need. A big part of my learning this past year has been to realize that I need to own my story, own that I've experienced abuse, own that I live with C-PTSD, own that things that others can easily do or are a non-issue for them are a BIG DEAL for me and often make it really hard for me to deal with the basic stuff of life. Doing this has been critical because now instead of doubting myself (Is this really true? Have I really experienced this? Am I just making excuses for myself? Lazy?), instead of thinking I should be different (more functional, more effectual, more easy going,) instead of being weak, pleading, defensive and trying to convince others when discussing anything about my life and especially how it impacts them, I can be matter of fact, grounded and confident. Which allows me to express myself clearly and draws out of others the best possible outcome. It also sets me up for speaking up for myself, stating my needs and my truth, so that I can create a life and relationships in which I can heal, which feel good to me and meet my needs. So I can create a life in which I can finally thrive. This advocacy piece feels like a big one to me. In applying Clean Parenting to ourselves (a program I'll be offering in the fall for graduates of my Clean Parenting program,) it's part of the leadership piece, becoming the leader of our own lives. I'm so excited about the sweet life I'll be creating for myself as I dive more into this!! This is very new for me because I never had anyone advocate for me. For many of us who've experienced childhood trauma, we were taught that our needs and experience didn't matter, so learning to advocate for ourselves can be really tricky. It can be incredibly helpful, such a gift, to have someone advocate for us until we can do so for ourselves, or in situations that are especially tricky. I believe this is an important role I play in my work with people. While writing this email, I realized another reason many of the women who do my Clean Parenting program (especially those who've done it in recent years since I've developed a deeper understand of trauma) find it such a life changing journey: It's because for 3 months, I intensely advocate for them, helping them understand the valid underlying causes of their feelings and behaviors they dislike or feel shame about, that all their feelings and needs are valid, and I strongly advocate for and support them in creating a life that truly works for them, that feels good and where their need are met. THIS IS INCREDIBLY POWERFUL! If you don't already have this in your life, can you get a sense of what it could do to your life to receive this kind of ongoing and intensive support? Though my Clean Parenting program is ostensibly a parenting one, many participants realize it's much more an intense therapy journey. My goal in this program is for participants to achieve what I call Family Homeostasis, which happens when all members of the family are thriving, there is harmony in all the relationships, and ease and flow in the daily life. As you can obviously see, this does include the parent thriving, and there is work directed specifically on this. But what often shocks participants, that they reveal to me at the end of the program was the biggest realization for them, and deeply motivates them to start seriously honoring their own experience and needs, is that IT'S THE ONLY WAY THEY CAN BECOME THE PARENT THEY WANT TO BE!! If their needs aren't met, they're generally out of their window of tolerance and no one can be at their best when that's the case. If they don't honor their feelings, which are an integral part of their inner guidance, they don't have access to their most important parenting tool. So doing whatever is necessary to bring themselves to a place of thriving is the only way they can meet their goal of becoming the parent they want to be to their beloved children. If you would like my support in identifying and learning to honor your feelings and your needs, in part so you can be the best parent you can be, if you want me by your side advocating for you for the duration of the program, if you want to gain access to your inner guidance which will lead you to Family Homeostasis, I would love to work with you! I run 3 or 4 Clean Parenting groups per year and have 8 available spots per group. Email me to chat about if this program is right for you so we can reserve a spot for you in one of my upcoming groups, if you want that support. I would LOVE to work with you if you do! ♥ For now and always. I encourage you to advocate for yourself, dear mama. You deserve all that's good in life, just like your children do, to have your needs fully met, to live a life that delights and fulfills you. Related resources:
Here's what Laura Fraticelli from the Netherlands wrote after completing this program: "I have to say to you, I just absolutely loooooove the program sooo much! The comments you write, the answers you give us are so clear, so interesting and make us connect with our children. I feel so so so inspired. I can't thank the universe enough having came across your work. I will never have enough words to express how much I admire you and deeply love your work. There is something so powerful in you having your amazing motherly caring energy focused on us during these weeks that just makes miracles happen. I truly believe you are raising our vibration just by focusing your attention and love on us!" "I have to say to you, I just absolutely loooooove the program sooo much! The comments you write, the answers you give us are so clear, so interesting and make us connect with our children. I feel so so so inspired. I can't thank the universe enough having came across your work. I will never have enough words to express how much I admire you and deeply love your work. There is something so powerful in you having your amazing motherly caring energy focused on us during these weeks that just makes miracles happen. I truly believe you are raising our vibration just by focusing your attention and love on us!"
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |