Does Your Child FEEL That You're On His Team?

By Eliane Sainte-Marie, founder of Parenting For Wholeness

Did your parents ever tell you "I'm doing this for your own good"?

Joanne with Rowen and Holden, picking raspberries in their home state of Montana

If so, how did it make you feel?

Did it make you feel cared about and inspire cooperation?

Or did it make you feel badly about yourself? Misunderstood? Like your experience didn't matter? 

Did it create a distance between you and your parents?

Was it even effective in inspiring you to do 'the right thing?'

If you want your child to listen to you and to easily cooperate with you, as well as make sure that he grows up with an intact spirit, there are four core principles, in my experience, that need to be in place in your family. 

One of those core principles is BEING ON THE SAME TEAM.

(I teach those 4 principles in depth in my Clean Parenting program and you can request my report which describes them here.) 

To maintain your connection with your child and nurture his sense of self, you need to make sure that in every interaction, he FEELS that you are on his team. (Or at least in as many interactions as possible, as I've yet to meet a parent who can do it 100% of the time.)

This is so important that I've come to claim that if there's only one thing you can remember and focus on in your parenting, which will most support you in being a peaceful and effective parent and raising whole children, it is BEING ON THE SAME TEAM.

So what does that look like?

The best way I know to clearly convey what I mean by being on the same team is to give you an experience of it.

Think about a boss, a relative, a teacher, an organization leader or any other person who has been in a position of authority over you, whom you felt was really on your team. This person respected you, cared about your experience, taught you what you needed to learn and gave you instructions in a respectful manner. If you messed up, he/she strove to understand what happened, and presented you with support or any additional information you needed.

How did you feel in his/her presence? How did you respond to his/her feedback? How did you respond to his/her requests? How did you react when he/she spoke?

Really take a minute to feel this…

I mean it.

Close your eyes.

Picture that person, and take the time to connect with the feeling of being with them.

How did it feel? Please post your answer in the comments below!

This is the place we want to tap into in our parenting.

Truly being on the same team is the foundation of a caring and respectful family life—to having children who want to please you, learn from you and listen to you. 

It's what allows you to tap into your child’s innate compassionate, generous and cooperative nature.

It's what ensures she feels loved and feels that she matters so she doesn't develop debilitating negative beliefs about herself.

It's what allows you to guide and teach her without having to manipulate her in any way. It allows you to tap into her natural and built-in drive to be social and to learn from her elders and those more experienced than she is.

Being on the same team is about really caring about what is important to her and trusting that she cares about what’s important to you. 

Here's an example of how Joanne decided to approach a situation with her son Rowen, from a place of being on the same team:

"When Rowen was starting swim lessons this summer, it brought up many emotions from our failed attempt last summer. Last summer, the instructor put his head under water the first day. Rowen got water up his nose and it traumatized him. I was not able to get him back in that year. 

So, when lessons came this year, he was excited until it came time to go the first day. He suddenly froze and refused to go. Instead of insisting that he go and participate. I asked him if he was afraid because of last year. He said "yes" and we discussed it for a minute while he hugged me and cried. I told him that since we paid for it, we will at least go and watch so that he can see what they do. I promised that I would not make him go in the pool. He left with me but added, "I will NOT go in the pool" just to make sure I understood. I kind of knew he would want to after he saw the kids having fun. 

After we got there we settle down along the fence by the pool. Rowen started to cry. I said, "I know why you are crying. Because you really want to go in and have fun, but you are scared that your instructor will put your head under." He said "yes" and gave me a huge hug while crying. I promised him that if he went in, I would tell his instructor that under no circumstances was he to pressure him to put his head under. 

The lead instructor came over and I told her what was going on and she also agreed to relay the info to Rowen's instructor. She was really nice and Rowen liked her. After feeling confident that we were both on his team, he went in willingly. He was smiling from ear to ear as soon as he got in and didn't stop smiling the whole time. He had a ball all summer but he never did get his head under. We are still working on that. ;) "

Joanne Stewart Kloker, Holistic Health & Lifestyle Coach (www.simplythrivewellness.com,) week 5 of the Clean Parenting™ program.

THERE ARE SEVERAL THINGS I LOVE IN THIS STORY:

• Joanne strove to understand what Rowen was experiencing.
• She allowed and welcomed his feelings so Rowen was able to process them and trusted his mom understood him.
  
• She honored what was important to herself by taking him to his class (instead of just ignoring what was important to her to make him comfortable.) 
• She looked for a win-win solution, so that she could get what she wanted in a way that fully honored Rowen's feelings and experience.
• She made sure that both she and the instructor genuinely were on Rowen's team.

Do you realize your child unfortunately may not feel you're on his team?

Here are a few tips that can help you make the switch:

• Overall it's a matter of re-programming your brain to continually ask: "How can we both get what most matters to us?" "How can we both get our needs met?" Continually be on the lookout for win-win's.
• Work WITH your child instead of AGAINST him. Put yourself in his shoes, see the situation from his perspective, feel what it must be like for him. Make sure that he feels that what matters to him matters to you as well.
• NEVER make him feel bad for something he feels or wants! Be accepting of feelings, impulses and desires, and only set limits on behaviors.
• Enlist him in coming up with solutions that you're both happy or at least comfortable with.
• When your child is 'misbehaving,' ask him why he's doing what he's doing, not from a place of judgment but from a place of truly wanting to understand him.
• Brainstorm with him ways that he could constructively and appropriately respond and express his emotions if the situation recurs.
• Tell him that you've decided to change your parenting approach with him because you really want to honor what he feels, and that you will now focus on looking for win/win solutions.

And here are 2 practical tips I came up with when I was working with a mom on getting her on the same team with her 5 year old son. They both worked like magic:

• When her very active child was being rambunctious and overwhelming her, instead of trying to stop him, I suggested that she get crazy with him for a minute. That she engage with him in his energy and then slow down together. This way he felt like she was on his team and was then open to stopping and calming down when she requested it. She was also there with him to help him calm down.
• When her son asked her if he could do something at bedtime, instead of just saying 'no,' because it was too late, she said 'let's do it first thing in the morning.' She even wrote it down on a piece of paper to make sure they wouldn't forget. Her son felt heard and that he mattered, and happily accepted postponing the activity.

So as you can see, the key is to first develop the mindset of working together and honoring everyone, and then being creative in the solutions we come up with.

Now, take a moment to imagine what it would have felt like if your parents had interacted with you from a place of being on the same team.

How different would your childhood have been? 

How different would your life be now?

​How differently would you feel about yourself?

Do you want this for your children? I'm so incredibly grateful I was able to provide it for mine! It sure shows in how differently they feel about themselves than I do about myself.

I encourage you to do whatever it takes so you can shift your parenting to fully being on the same team as your children.

And if you can't get there on your own, please get support from a parenting coach who can help you. (You can email me at [email protected] for help in choosing the best program for you.)

Lots of love,

To read about all 4 core principles of Clean Parenting™, request my FREE report:

The Almost Magical Formula for surprising EASE and HARMONY in your family while fully honoring your children’s spirits.  

Click Here to Request The Report

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​For help on parenting from a place of being on the same team, check out my QUICK START Program.

This article is part of Module 7’s assignment, in which you’re asked to ponder this concept, work on applying it to each of the items on the list of challenging situations you created at the beginning of the program, and get to exchange about it with all the other committed parents in the Facebook group who are also working through the program alongside you.

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SUGGESTIONS: If you liked this article, you may also enjoy:

• The Magic of Win-Win's
• The Key to Well-Behaved Children Who Listen to You, While Fully Respecting Them  
• Why It's Critical That You Trust Your Children
• How Do I Stop Myself Midway When I'm Triggered?
• The Power of Empathy
• The #1 Question to Ask When Your Child 'Misbehaves'

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