I Call It Clean Parenting: An Instinctual and Evolutionary Approach to Parenting

By Eliane, founder of Parenting For Wholeness

​WHY THIS NAME?

What IS Clean Parenting? And why the heck is it called that? It’s a bit of a funny name, isn’t it?

About a year ago, I started spontaneously referring to my approach as Clean Parenting, because it felt like the most accurate description of what it in fact is.
 
A lot of what makes this approach unique is what it’s NOT.
 
And a lot of the work I guide parents through is removing what is not serving them in their families, such as:

• unlearning what has been taught to them and is assumed to be true
• reversing or dissolving their conditioning
• ​removing the negative habits of ways of interacting with children that are detrimental to relationships and to raising whole children​

​What’s left once participants in my program go through the unlearning process and learn to live the core principles I teach is a way of parenting that is what our ancestors have practiced for 100’s of thousands of years. A natural and harmonious way of interacting with children without which the human race never would have survived.
 
When practicing Clean Parenting what you experience is connection to yourself, connection to your children, connection to your instincts and an unbiased awareness of the situation in front of you.
 
This in turn give you access to what’s called for in each situation.
 
The goal of Clean Parenting is not to remember anything you’ve read or learned but to tap into your instincts, into your inner knowing and the power of presence, where humans just like all other mammals KNOW how to parent!
 
(Did it ever occur to you to take your pregnant cat or dog to a male expert of their species to teach them how to care for their babies once they’re born?!?)
 
All the work I do with parents is to clear their way to this instinctual way of interacting with children that is still alive in them, buried under layers of conditioning.

 
WHAT IS CLEAN PARENTING?
 
I find it challenging to appropriately describe what Clean Parenting is because it’s a way of being, a stance.
 
You KNOW when you’re there because it feels right.
 
It feels good.
 
Down to your bones.
 
If feels grounded and clear.
 
And you feel your connection to yourself and to your child.
 
(You have experienced those moments, haven’t you? Imagine if your whole life you’re your children felt that way. THAT is what I want for you!)
 
Here’s my attempt at describing Clean Parenting:
 

• My goal with Clean Parenting is to bring children to adulthood with an intact sense of self
• It’s a way of parenting that’s free of personal agenda
• It fully honors who each child is
• It provides the nurturing and the space for them to grow into whoever they are meant to or want to be
• It taps into the natural order of things, from an evolutionary perspective
• It meets children’s needs based on how they are biologically wired as a species, not based on the latest modern fad or opinion
• It is free of personal conditioning and attuned to what’s best for the child, the situation, and all involved
• It’s based on the knowledge that babies and children are very capable and blossom through trust
• It doesn’t use quick fixes but makes sure that situations are handled in ways that meet our children’s long term well being
• Situations are handled from a place of being grounded and present, not from a place of fear, and not based on others’ beliefs or fear of their opinion of us
• Relationships are based on honesty and authenticity
• When we react, we deal with what’s triggered in us instead of trying to change our children so we can feel better
• It’s not based on beliefs and techniques, but connected to our instincts and our inner truth
• When parenting cleanly, we are connected to ourselves and to our child, which means we have access to our natural compassion, our love for our children and our innate wisdom and instincts

 THE PRINCIPLES

There ARE a few principles I consider to be core to Clean Parenting.
 
Each of the principles is designed to bring you back to the way of being I described above, to connect you to yourself, to your children, and to attune yourself to the situation.
 
These core principles, from which ideally all parenting attitudes, actions and responses will arise out of, are:
 

• Children are innately good and cooperative, and our job as parents is learn to tap into that.
• Children are already whole and capable and need to be honored and trusted.
• Clean Parenting happens when we live with our children as though we’re on the same team.
• It’s of critical importance that we identify our children’s unmet needs and find ways to meet them.
• Children need a clear, grounded, benevolent leader to thrive.
• Empathy is the magical solution whenever children are experiencing negative emotions, to help them feel validated and to process those feelings.
• It’s also of critical importance that you honor your own feelings and needs as a parent, and strive to meet those as well.
• Apparent conflicts are handled with a focus on finding win-win solutions, so that everyone’s needs in the family can be met.
• True well-being can only happen in families once we have realistic expectations: of children, of ourselves, of our life, including of the limits of our situation.

 
Though I write and talk about numerous parenting related topics (and have already started writing three different parenting books!) most of what you hear me say can go back to one of the principles above.

 
CLEAN PARENTING IS NOT A TECHNIQUE!
 
Someone recently complained in response to one of my articles that ‘there wasn’t a single how-to in there.’ And yes, she was absolutely right.
 
If what you’re looking for is tips and techniques to handle situations that come up with your children or to change their behavior, Clean Parenting™ is NOT what you’re looking for.
 
Though there may be tips and strategies I offer that are helpful, the reason they are is because they re-align you with the core principles of Clean Parenting.
 
A mom who was registering for my Clean Parenting™ Program last week wanted to get a sense of how I work with the participants. She asked me what I’d respond to a situation she had just experienced, where her son had a meltdown at bedtime.
 
I told her that I generally hate those questions asked outside of the context of one of my programs because there’s rarely a RIGHT way to handle situations.
 
How I would work with her on this situation would be to ask what was going on with her son that he had a meltdown. What needs of his might be unmet. How his life is feeling overall these days. If he’s had any negative experience recently that is still unprocessed. How his relationships with his parents currently is. If she’s consistently being a clear benevolent leader to him.

I also told her that through the program, after I get to know her and her child, I’ll likely have suggestions on how she could handle the situation because I'll then have the full perspective.
 
Clean Parenting is for you if you’re looking for an approach to parenting that will ensure that your children grow up whole and if you want a deeply mutually respectful and cooperative relationship.
 
And once that’s established, problems are rare and are easily resolved.

 
THE PROMISE OF CLEAN PARENTING
 
It can take time to ‘clean up’ our parenting. To unlearn what gets in the way of our connection to our children. To create new pathways of responses to replace our negative conditioning. To reliably live the principles of Clean Parenting. And to unhook our ‘stuff’ from our interactions with our children.
 
(Though you CAN make massive headway toward it in just 2 months through my Clean Parenting Program! Click the link if you’re ready to live what I described.)
 
But once you ARE embodying Clean Parenting, parenting can become so easy that it may no longer even feel like parenting!
 
That was the case for me.
 
I honestly just felt like I was living my life with these 3 younger beings, with whom I interacted from a place of presence. Yes, it was a lot of work when they were little, but the parenting part was often times effortless.
 
Once you know this place in your bones and can readily access it, parenting becomes straightforward and instinctual. You can forget all the concepts you learned because you live connected to the truth of them as it lives in your bones.
 
And as a result, your children feel good about themselves, are happy and cooperative, and grow up feeling whole.
 
Life in your family is easy, harmonious, and joyful.
 
And that, my friend, is an incredible thing.
 
Lots of love,
​

ARE YOU READY TO BE LIVING WHAT I DESCRIBED, in just a few months?

Then check out my Clean Parenting™ Program!​
​

​
I run 3 groups annually, with a maximum of 10 participants each. Check the program page for the next group's start date and for info on how to contact me regarding available space.

​I would LOVE to support you in the amazing journey that is that program if it resonates with you!

If you think it might be, email me at [email protected] to schedule your FREE 30 minute
​Parenting Can Be Easy! Strategy Session.