​
Reflection on being on the same team

Think about a boss, a relative, a teacher, an organization leader or any other person who has been in a position of authority over you, whom you felt was really on your team. This person respected you, cared about your experience, taught you what you needed to learn and gave you instructions in a respectful manner.

How did you feel in his/her presence?
How did you respond to his/her feedback?
How did you respond to his/her requests?
How did you react when he/she spoke?

Really take a minute to feel this…
I mean it.
Close your eyes.
Picture that person, and take the time to connect with the feeling of being with them.

This is the place we want to tap into in our parenting.

How did you feel in his/her presence?
How did you respond to his/her feedback?
How did you respond to his/her requests?
How did you react when he/she spoke?
​

Related articles:
​

• 7 Problems with Avoiding Saying ‘No’ at all Costs
• Does Your Child FEEL That You're On His Team?
• The Amazing Power of True Empathy
• Being Honest And Authentic With Our Children: A Key To Building Trust!
• The Magic of Win-Win's in Your Family
• The Key to Well-Behaved Children Who Listen to You, While Fully Respecting Them
• Are You Treating Yourself In Ways You'd Never Dream Of Treating Your Children?​

​
​

As a parenting coach, there’s one question that I dread hearing.
 
In fact, it often used to make me freeze up and, when I first started Parenting For Wholeness, made me question if I was even equipped to help parents.
 
Because, unlike most other parenting coaches, I don’t know how to answer those questions.

Questions that starts with "What do I do/say when..."

But over the years, I've come to realize that the reason the changes in the families I work with are so profound is BECAUSE I don't answer those questions for them.

And I don’t answer them because I fervently believe that ONLY THE PARENTS have access to the information needed to come up with the proper answers to those questions when it comes to their own families, to their own children.

I may have some insights, knowledge and experience I can share with them.

But mostly, I see my work as to guide them in accessing their own answers, their inner guidance, and help them clear the obstacles to them parenting in alignment with their values and desires for their families.


THE POWER OF PRESENCE

​I know, from my own experience in my family, as well as from working intensively with hundreds of families through my Clean Parenting™ program, that PRESENCE and CONNECTION TO OUR INNER GUIDANCE are the most powerful qualities that we can cultivate as parents.
​

By being present and parenting from our inner guidance, we can access a quality of relationship with our children and a quality of flow and aliveness in our lives with them that few parents in our disconnected culture even realize is possible.

Most moms come to me thinking they need to build new skills in order to become the parents they long to be.

But, even though I do teach some skills, the bulk of the work I do with them is designed help them become connected to themselves, grounded, present.

Present to their children: their children’s inner experience, essence and uniqueness. I help them build the practice of truly seeing their children through their every interaction with them.

Present to themselves: to their values, so that they have clarity on what to prioritize and focus on. To their feelings, their needs and their own experience, so they have access to their own guidance, and make sure they’re not ignoring themselves in the process of meeting their children’s needs. To their conditioning, so they can become aware of obstacles to parenting in alignment with their values, and hopefully address them so they’re freed of them.

Present to what’s actually happening in the moment, instead of being in their heads, caught up in some narrative that in no way supports them in dealing with the situation effectively.
​
When parents come to me seeking specific solutions to their parenting problems, I rarely provide them. In part, because I don’t believe it’s what best serves them in the long run.

But mostly because no one else can know what’s right for them, for their children, for their family.
 
When trying to make a decision, our mind can only consider a limited number of factors at a time. But our inner guidance is usually taking ALL of the pertinent factors into account.

Factors like:

• Our values
• Our child’s unique personality
• What he’s been through and what he’s going through right now, which might affect/influence his behavior
• Our life as a whole, including our schedule, other people involved, etc.
• Our intuitive sense of what might be going on and what might happen given specific responses.
• Factors that aren’t directly related but still have an impact on the situation

So I cannot tell parents the right way for them to respond to an issue in their family.
 
What I can do, what truly serves them, is help them find their own answers. And help them figure out their path or approach to finding their own answers, so that they quickly stop needing any support, from me, others, or even books.
 
My wish for all parents, my intention when I work with them, and the focus of my writing and programs, is that they have access to their own guidance.
 
Because once they do, they can find the exact words, approach and solutions that are attuned to the unique needs of each situation they encounter.
 
And this doesn’t happen through having studied and memorized sentences to use, techniques or tools, but by being fully present and aware, attuned to the moment, so they’re inspired to whatever’s called for in each unique moment.
 
I do teach them some basic principles to parents, such as developing realistic expectations, learning to trust children, being on the same team and addressing the underlying cause of their behaviors and providing support instead of just controlling behaviors.

And many parents do need some help in learning to be clear benevolent leaders to their children, so that they can provide the guidance and sense of security children need, in a way that fully respects them and honors their spirits.

But the bulk of my work with them it to simply support them in accessing their guidance and in parenting in alignment with their values, by supporting them in creating those new pathways, until they become their new default, and clearing the conditioning that keeping them stuck in reactivity and old patterns of reactions.

Through that work, they become confident that they’re capable of easily handling what comes their way, so then instead of spinning out in their heads when a challenging situation occurs, they’re able to stay present, and from this place, have access to exactly what’s called for in that very moment.


AUTHENTICITY:

One thing that can help us be present with our children is to focus on being authentic.

Many parents want guidance in how to respond to children, want to be given specific words and tactics, when what's needed is so much easier!

What is by far the most effective approach with children is to just be authentic.

Children, like all humans, respond to authenticity, because it is alive.

It is what is unarguably true.

You can HEAR and FEEL authenticity.

It creates goodwill.

It inspires.

It connects.

It taps into children’s innate desire to please.

It awakens what is alive in them. 
 
Being authentic with children is generally much more effective than any other approach because we’re CONNECTING WITH THEM when we’re authentic.

We’re truly engaging with them instead of talking AT them, are in relationship with them, which is much more likely to activate their innate desire to please us.

 
ANALOGY:

I like to provide this analogy to parents I work with:
 
Think of a situation in which someone is trying to CONVINCE you to do something. 

How does it feel? How do you react? 
 
Now think of a situation in which someone would like you to do something for them, and they are honestly and authentically expressing their reason for it. 

How does THAT feel? How do you respond to that? 
 
 
When we’re authentic, we’re taking responsibility for our feelings. It can be challenging at times because it forces us to become aware of our possibly uncomfortable experience, be honest about it, and be vulnerable.

For some of us, who haven't grown up being supported in being who we are, it forces us to get to know ourselves, which can be quite an intensive journey. But such a rewarding one! ♥


TIP:
 
One practical tip, if you want to work on being more authentic with your children, is instead of trying to come up with effective tactics to get your children to do what you want them to, you can simply authentically describe the situation, as you would to another adult.
 
For example, you might tell your child: “I’m feeling uncomfortable watching you use this sharp knife, because the last time you did you got distracted and almost cut yourself.”
 
Or "It makes me feel so happy when I wake up to a neat house. Can we please come up with a strategy to have it picked up before we go to bed?"
 
Or "I'm really having a hard day today. Would you mind helping your sister out with her snack?"
 
I personally love this approach so much because it leaves behind the hard work of intellectually figuring things out and guides me to connect to myself, to what's alive in me, where all I have to do is translate into words what's going on inside of me.


One caveat to being authentic with children is that it’s important to make sure that what's being shared with children is age appropriate and presented in a responsible way.  And that it comes from groundedness and clarity, not reactivity.
 
Children can handle our range of feelings, as long as we express them responsibly and take responsibility for them instead of blaming others. It's actually important that they do see us experience negative feelings and see how we handle them.

Otherwise how will they learn how to behave when they have strong feelings?

Also, us naming what’s actually going on and which they’re likely picking up on and feeling, helps them relax.

It makes their world make sense, instead of living in the uncomfortable discord of being told everything’s okay or seeing mom pretending to be happy when they clearly feel it’s not the case.

This is actually an unfortunate and subtle form of gaslighting, which is pretty damaging to one’s sense of self and ability to function well in the world.

Here’s a story that helps illustrate all this:
 

 
In one of my Clean Parenting groups, I shared that when my girls were little, for one day in my cycle, I’d feel like I turned into a ‘possessed evil bitch’ (excuse the language.) I would be incredibly irritable and at times told my girls things I deeply regretted the next day. So I told them to just ignore anything that I said on my PMS days because I couldn’t be trusted on those days.

Inspired by this story, Kim decided to do the following:

​
"The cloud" descended on me yesterday (as in "hello darkness my old friend") and I made it beautifully through without the girls even guessing that I was feeling "blue". This morning, however, the heaviness was much greater and whereas in the past I would be irritable and impatient with them because I just wanted to crawl in a hole and disappear, instead I shared how I was feeling with them. I decided I needed to be more honest with them. I told them I was feeling sad and it was not because of anything they have done. I explained that sometimes I feel sad and need a good cry (which gave a wonderful opportunity to talk about how good it feels to have a good cry). I then told them that my sadness made me feel irritated and impatient and that I wondered if they would mind working a little harder today on finding win-win situations with one another and I would try really hard, too, to not be impatient or snap at them. We all did marvelously with one another! There was only one incident in a store but we worked through it in minutes.
They "get" it! And have even used it back to me! "Mom, I'm feeling sad today. Can you hold me?" “Mom, I'm really mad at you for not letting us have candy".

Through working on being present and practicing being authentic with our children, we can not only developing a rich, joyful, connected and harmonious life with them, but we can also grow in our own ability to be present and to live in closer harmony to our values in every area of our lives.
 
It turns out what serves us with our children serves us in every other area of our lives, and vice versa!
 
What a beautiful win-win, and an organic, joyful way to live!
​

​
​For a sense of what I work on with parents to achieve this place of presence, request my FREE report which describes 4 key principles that we focus on implementing:

The Almost Magical Formula For Surprising Ease and Harmony in Your Family While Fully Honoring Your  Children’s Spirits.
​

 Here's what Amanda Lambert from Australia, who just completed the program, wrote about her experience of it:

"I am SO grateful that I did this course. This program is not just another parenting technique course, but is an in-depth exploration of how you see yourself and your children, and how you understand your role as a parent. My family life is so much more peaceful after completing Clean Parenting! My children are much more content and happy, and when they are having a meltdown, or are whining or upset, I know what I need to do to help them back to being calm and centered. And it works!!! As a result, we have a more trusting relationship. I feel much more confident in my parenting. I have changed from just wanting to be respectful, gentle, and effective to being a lot closer to living those daily.

I really felt that Eliane personally invested in seeing me grasp and live what she was teaching. I also loved the fact that she encouraged each of us in the course to figure out how the practices would look in our lives – there were no standard solutions – but each person was encouraged to figure out how to make life work in their particular family and context. The individualised, specific feedback to our issues and problems was very powerful, as was the participation in an open, honest group. I felt truly mentored and guided through applying the principles of parenting to my life – able to work on the nitty gritty, day-in, day-out interactions."

If you too are interested in working with me, email me at [email protected].
I'd love to work with you! ♥

Related articles:

• The Key to Well-Behaved Children Who Listen to You, While Fully Respecting Them
• 7 Problems with Avoiding Saying ‘No’ at all Costs
  
• What Is Family Homeostasis? (And why it's important for you to know)
• Are You Treating Yourself In Ways You'd Never Dream Of Treating Your Children?​
• Are You Trusting Your Parenting Instincts And Your Inner Guidance?
• ​The Biggest Mistake The Most Caring Moms Make

​

​I want to address a special group of moms today, women who are very dear to my heart.
 
Through my work, I get to connect with many new moms who at this point have only one child, a young one, 2 years old or younger.
 
These moms are deeply committed to peaceful parenting. What they see most parents do doesn’t feel right to them, and they’re looking for a different way. They’re doing their work, reading, joining groups of like-minded moms, learning to trust (and at times even uncover) their instincts.
 
And yet often, they lose it with their beloved children. They find themselves screaming at them, sometimes even hitting them. Doing things that seem unimaginable to any peaceful person who has not experienced living with a child, especially attachment parented and being a stay-at-home mom, being with that child every moment of every day, 24/7, month after month after month.
 
You know what, you wonderful mamas?
 
It takes TIME to find your way with parenting.
 
It takes TIME to acclimate to being responsible for another human being.
 
It takes TIME to acclimate to never being alone, to ‘you’ now meaning you and your child.
 
It takes TIME to changes your responses when your shit takes over, when you’re triggered or your defenses are down for any reason.
 
Though many see me as a role model when it comes to mothering, I’ve done many of those unimaginable things you judge yourself for, to my oldest daughter Cassandra, when she was young. (You can read about some of those here.)
 
It was freakin’ hard finding my way to being the mom I wanted to be!
 
Re-wiring my responses which were initially the ones my parents used with me.
 
Learning to parent effectively.
 
Dissolving my incredible drive to control her.
 
Eliminating the part of me that JUST WANTED HER TO OBEY!
 
That just wanted her to do what *I* learned to do as a child: mold myself into someone who wouldn’t cause my parents trouble, and who would certainly never embarrass them in public.
 
It’s not to say that parents of older children or multiple children don’t also lose it, but for many there’s a certain ease that ends up developing.
 
And we’re also much less likely targets for all the unsolicited advice and criticisms that all too often gets rudely lavished on new moms.
 
Those first years are really hard.
 
Just go easy on yourself mama.
 
Trust your instincts that guide you to parent peacefully.
 
Get the support you need to learn how to do it if it doesn’t come easily. (I’ve created 2 programs that are highly effective in taking peaceful parenting from theory to day-to-day reality in your family.)
 
Get LOTS of support from like-minded people. Ideally in person. I highly encourage you to commit yourself to creating a community. It may take months or years to create, but it is possible.
 
And meanwhile, find online communities that will support you. Where you can be fully yourself. Where you can share each thing you do that horrifies you, be held in love and acceptance, be reminded that you’re normal and only doing this because your own needs are unmet, and be supported in doing your work.
 
And trust the process. If you’re committed to it and get the support you need, you WILL get to an ever better place in your parenting.
 
Reach what my goals are for you: to experience the ease and harmony of family homeostasis, to live and parent from a place  of presence and connection to your own guidance, to trust yourself.
 
And know that your children are likely much more resilient than you think.
 
THE most important thing you can do for them (besides of course providing them food and shelter from the elements) is supporting them in developing a healthy sense of self. Everything else comes a far second. The way you treat them, the majority of the time, is what creates that sense of self.
 
Healing the occasional traumatic experiences you inflict on them is really easy (once you know how) when they have a good sense of self, and a good and safe connection with their mama.
 
And this is what you’re working toward every day, and likely doing a much more awesome job at than you give yourself credit for.
 
Keep putting in the work and reaching for support when you need it. Though there's so much value put in self-sufficiency in our society, knowing our limits and when to ask for help are a sign of true maturity.
 
And if you resonate with my writing and would like my support in connecting to your inner guidance and living the ideal I wrote about (you can read many testimonials of moms like you who have reached it here,) I'd LOVE to work with you! See below for info on my program, and email me if you're interested in chatting about if it'd be right for you.
 
I hope I've inspired you to be a whole lot gentler on yourself, dear mama, to hold on to your vision of what's possible, and to get the support you need, whatever that looks for you. ♥
 
Lots of love,

​For a discussion of 4 key principles I work with moms on integrating to achieve family homeostasis, request my FREE report,

The Almost Magical Formula For Surprising Ease and Harmony in Your Family While Fully Honoring Your  Children’s Spirits.
​

​CLEAN PARENTING™ PROGRAM

Would you love to be fully connected to your inner guidance and know what you're doing, moment to moment?

Would you love to create a life for yourself where yourself as well as your children are thriving? Where all your needs are met?

Where you are finally consistently the mom you want to be for your children, and feel confident that your children will grow up to be emotionally healthy and whole?

Related articles:

• What Is Family Homeostasis? (And why it's important for you to know)
• Are You Treating Yourself In Ways You'd Never Dream Of Treating Your Children?
• Presence and Authenticity Are Keys to Ease and Harmony with Our Children
• Are You Trusting Your Parenting Instincts And Your Inner Guidance?
• ​The Biggest Mistake The Most Caring Moms Make
• The Secret Most Moms Don't Talk About

​By Eliane Sainte-Marie, founder Parenting For Wholeness
​

About a year ago, I was exposed to a concept new to me, which has been a huge help in my work with families.

In helping moms:

• understand what's going on in their children as well as in themselves.

• in making it clear that it's not through any kind of behavior control that they'll make anything in their families better.

• in knowing how to address undesirable behaviors in their children as well as in themselves.​

As the title of this article suggests, this valuable concept is our WINDOW OF TOLERANCE.

Which is beautifully explained in the wonderful video created by Beacon House, which I've embedded below for your easy access.

But one thing I want you to be aware of, before you watch it, is that though the video only speaks to children's Window of Tolerance, EVERYTHING COVERED IN IT APPLIES TO US ADULTS AS WELL!!

In order for a family to thrive, to attain and live in the state of homeostasis which I so want for all of my followers, every family member needs support in primarily living in and easily coming back into their Window of Tolerance.

So watch this important video and if it resonates with you, read below for some questions and guidance in putting its wisdom into practice in your family.

Doesn't this video make it crystal clear that when your child has some kind of meltdown, or is uncooperative, they shouldn't be punished nor enticed to change their behavior through a reward, but instead need love and care to bring them back within their Window of Tolerance?!?

And can you see how that's true for yourself as well?

To help you integrate this wisdom into how you function as a family, here are a 5 important questions you can ask, for each of children as well as for yourself:

• Do you think your child (you) lives mostly within her (your) Window of Tolerance?

• What needs frequently go unmet which throws her (you) outside of her (your) window of tolerance (WOT?)

• How could you go about better meeting those needs?

• What situations regularly throw her (you) out of your WOT?

• What changes could you make in her (your) life to live more consistently within it?

I also want to mention here that, if like myself and many of the moms I work with, you're highly sensitive (an HSP) and/or had a traumatic childhood or one in which many of your needs went unmet, it's possible that you've rarely even been in your Window of Tolerance.

That's you've only had glimpses of or lived very short periods within your WOT, and barely have a sense of what that could feel like.

If that's the case for you, then your primary work, in order to consistently be the mom you want to be to your children, is to figure out how to better meet your own needs, heal your wounds that constantly get triggered and bump you out of your Window of Tolerance, and get the support you need.

I hope that, like myself and many of my clients, you've found the concept of Window of Tolerance helpful to your life.

For the next few days, I'd encourage you to focus on looking at your children and yourself through the lens of your Window of Tolerance. 

How differently do things look to you from that perspective..?

Lots of love,

If this article deeply resonates with you and you'd like some help in creating a life where both you and your children live within your Windows of Tolerance, I'd love to work with you!

This is what my Clean Parenting program is designed to do, and you can read many testimonials of moms whose lives have been transformed through doing this program here.

If you join me in that life changing journey, we'll dig deep into all the questions I posted above and many more, and figure out together how to get you to a place where you all increasing live within your WOT's, and achieve what I call family homeostasis.

Email me at [email protected] if you're interested and would like to chat with me about if this program is right for you.
​

Related articles:
​

• What Is Family Homeostasis? (And why it's important for you to know)
• Are You Treating Yourself In Ways You'd Never Dream Of Treating Your Children?
• The #1 Question to Ask When Your Child 'Misbehaves'
• The Importance Of Focusing On Meeting Needs - Audio
  
• Could Your Struggle Just Be Caused By An Unrealistic Expectation?
• The Biggest Mistake The Most Caring Moms Make
• The Secret Most Moms Don't Talk About​

By Eliane Sainte-Marie, founder Parenting For Wholeness

​(NB: I’m not intimating that working moms don’t also need time alone, but the purpose of this article is to address the unique challenges of being ‘on’ and with children, 24/7.)


Now that I’m an empty-nester and have all the same and space I need to focus on myself, after 24 years of living with children, I have a whole new vantage point on what it’s like to be responsible for and with children 24/7, week after week, month after month, year after year.

And I have a huge amount of compassion for the young mom I was who was home with her 3 children, co-slept, homeschooled, lived in a different country from her family, and was therefore with her children 24/7, except for an occasional evening La Leche League meeting when I left the older children with their dad.

The young mom who didn’t realize that she mattered too.

I work with many stay-at-home and homeschooling moms, and I see now how vital it is for them, in order to function as humans, to have time to themselves.

• Time to think their own thoughts, instead of having them all be about their children, or having their own thoughts constantly interrupted by adorable little ones’ talking.
• Time to just be (can’t you just feel yourself relaxing at the thought of this?)
• Time when they are not responsible for anyone other than themselves.
• Time when they can connect to themselves deeply, remember who they are as a person, outside of being a mom.
• Time to meet their own needs that they’re not able to while also caring for or being with other little beings.

​Not honoring their own needs is one of the biggest mistakes I observe in peaceful, attachment, Continuum Concept parenting and homescholing moms.

Though they’re acutely aware of how important it is for their children’s needs to be met and single-mindedly focused on making sure that they are, they ignore the fact that they are humans too and therefore also have needs. 

And that it’s critical for themselves, in order to be the best possible mom to their beloved children, in order to have a chance of thriving as a family, and just because they deserve it like all humans, to have their needs met too.

If you’re familiar with my work, you know that my goal is for families to live what I call family homeostasis.

And this goal is impossible to attain if moms don’t commit to making sure that their own needs are met, as well as their children’s.
​

CAVEAT:

I must admit that I’m a bit reluctant to publish this article. And I think other like-minded parenting authors might avoid writing about this topic for the same reason as me: because our society often completely ignores children’s needs, to disastrous consequences to those poor beings, in order to meet the parents’ needs.

And we’re afraid that sharing this info might just be additional motivation for some parents to separate from their children more than is healthy for them, and ignore their needs even more.

But I’ve come to realize that this message needs to be shared, for the benefit of the dedicated and attuned stay-at-home moms who are floundering or barely coping for lack of self-care, so I’m taking that risk.

The advice in this article assumes, as I make sure to mention a few times, that children are ready to separate from mom, and that they are left in the care of someone who THE CHILDREN feel completely safe and comfortable with, and, if they’re young (babies, toddlers, as well as older children if they need it) well bonded to.

It’s important to understand that what’s key here is the child GENUINELY FEELING safe, comfortable and bonded, it’s not about the parent knowing that the child is safe and will be well cared for, or thinking that the child ‘should be’ fine with that person.

WHAT I RECOMMEND:

When I started running my Clean Parenting program 4 years ago, when I still had 2 daughters living at home, I recommended that all moms whose children are ready to separate have one evening or one chunk of time on weekends, weekly, where dad (or someone else if dad’s not around or available) took the children. 

THIS felt critical, even though I didn’t know it when my children were little, and therefore didn’t practice it.

But 4 years later, having been living alone for a whole year, this seems ridiculous. 

Ridiculously not enough.

Especially if you are an introvert or an HSP (highly sensitive person!)

So in my last Clean Parenting group, I came up with what feels like a minimum, for stay-at-home-moms, and especially homeschooling moms (which means many more years at home with children) to not only survive or be able to cope, but have a chance to also thrive and to be the best possible moms they can be for their children. 

This is what I now recommend (again, once their children are okay being without them and there’s access to the right kind of caregivers.)

• Have 1 night a week for yourself. Either going out, or where dad takes the children out, if they go to bed late. Take a class, practice a hobby, go out for a nice sit down dinner, or stay home and do whatever nurtures you or you miss and crave, including bingeing on Netflix if that’s what you want.
• Have 2 to 3 half days a week without children (with younger children, maybe have a mother's helper in the house to have responsibility of them, while you're still there for emergencies and when no one else will do,) having either dad, a nanny or mother's helper caring for them, or dropping them off at friends' houses.
• Get away one night per month. Either stay at a friend's house, at your mom’s/dad’s if they’re the type to dote on you, or check in to a hotel, get a massage, journal, go dancing, watch Netflix and munch on junk food, or whatever will feel nurturing to you.
• Go away for a weekend once a quarter, or a week once or twice a year, to a retreat, a girlfriends' weekend, visiting family, camping alone, etc.

​If you have multiple children and your youngest isn’t yet ready to separate, assuming it is helpful to you, you can follow that plan with your older ones. I don’t know about you, but for me, by the time I had 3 children, an evening out with just the baby/toddler did feel like a vacation.

If your reaction reading what I suggest is that it feels impossible, or brings up an intense negative feeling or disbelief that you deserve that time to yourself, then you might want to slowly build up to it. Start with a night off every 2 weeks or 2 hours of support on a weekday once a week. Then after a couple of months, graduate to a night off every week or 4 hours of daytime support during the week. Then add in some weekend time, etc. 

I’d also suggest you do some inner work on the feelings and beliefs that this idea brought up, as you’ll likely never be able to thrive as a person until you can fully honor and commit to meeting your own needs.

​

​
​IDEAS FOR GETTING SUPPORT:

There’s a common reaction I get when I share this advice in my Clean Parenting groups, after I’ve done some work with the moms on realizing the importance, for themselves as well as for their children, of focusing on meeting their own needs. 

And it’s that they don’t have the right people in their lives to care for their children so they can get time off.
Here are some of the ideas I offer them:

• Find a mothers’ helper: Some children, as young as 5 or 6, love playing with babies and toddlers (it’s so much more enjoyable and rewarding than playing with dolls!), and might be thrilled to come entertain your child for a few hours, once or twice a week (which incidentally provides some time off for their mom! ☺) Older children might love the responsibility of having a ‘job’ and coming to take care of your children and maybe even do some household chores in exchanges for some payment. A wonderful place to look for those angel helpers is local homeschooling groups. This can be a beautiful win-win for SAHM’s and homeschooled children looking for life-giving activities! Another great benefit of building a relationship with young mothers’ helpers is that as they get a bit older, they can become the best, most trusted and beloved babysitters.
• Childcare swap: Another beautiful win-win is connecting with a family you really like, whose children play well with yours, and swapping caring for each other’s children. I suggest making a regular scheduled plan, like alternating which mom cares for the others’ children on a certain week day, or each having a weekday where you watch the others’ children, so you can count on that time for yourself and maybe even schedule alone activities (yoga or art class, massage, etc) for yourself. I watched a lot of my friends children when my girls were young, because it was actually often easier for me to have additional children to entertain mine than having them home without friends. And the trusted families where my children spent time ended up also being the homes where they had their first sleepovers, where I felt safe that they would be cared for lovingly should they need nighttime support.
• Paying SAHM’s: For many, choosing to stay home with children comes at a great financial sacrifice. Some of those moms financially strapped awesome moms might be incredibly grateful for some income in exchange for caring for your children a few hours a week. So if you see a mom whose parenting you love, who you know your children would be happy with, who has maybe expressed financial struggles or limitations, if you’re able to afford it, try delicately asking her if she’d be open to helping you out in exchange for payment. This too could be a beautiful win-win for her and for you.
• Out-of-town family: Some families are blessed to have relatives living nearby, who are happy to care for their children. But for those who don’t, you can still get support from out-of-town relatives, if you feel comfortable with the way they interact with your children, when you’re together. It might be tempting, when visiting, to spend all your time with them. But there’s a golden opportunity here: people who love your children and might be the perfect persons to take care of them and offer you time to yourself, or time with your spouse.​

​For some guidance in parenting in a way that supports families in fully thriving,
​request my FREE report: 

​"The Almost Magical Formula For Surprising Ease and
Harmony in Your Family While Fully Honoring Your Children’s Spirits"

​CONCLUSION:

If you are a SAHM, are genuinely thriving and don’t feel the need for free time, I’m thrilled for you! (And envious too. Part of me wishes I could have been THAT mom, but I know now that given my specific needs, and being an HSP, this was not realistic for me, and therefore unkind to myself to wish for.) But if you are loving spending all your time with your children and are able to fully meet your needs in this way, then please disregard this article.

But so far I’ve not met one of those moms (that I know of.) 

Most of the moms I meet completely ignore their own needs. And the ones who either come from emotionally healthy families and know their needs matter or have done a lot of healing work to get to the place of valuing their needs STILL don’t take seriously their need for alone time, or don’t know how to go about getting it met.

Can you imagine what it would feel like to have all the alone time I recommend above? What a different person you might even be? How much more patient and excited to be with your children you might be?
Isn’t that worth working toward?

I really hope I’ve inspired you to take your needs more seriously, whatever they might be. 

And that if you’re resonating with this article, you’ll take steps toward creating some space for yourself. It might take months or even years for you to build the right relationships, find the right people, maybe do the needed healing work, that will allow you to have the needed support and conditions to have the time alone you crave.

But what’s important is that you keep clear on your goal and keep taking steps. Gradual, steady progress is what will eventually get you there.

What I recommend in this article might seem extreme, and I know it would have been hard to convince me to follow it, and that I deserved it.

Related articles:

• What Is Family Homeostasis? (And why it's important for you to know)
• Are You Treating Yourself In Ways You'd Never Dream Of Treating Your Children?
• 7 Problems with Avoiding Saying ‘No’ at all Costs
  
• The Biggest Mistake The Most Caring Moms Make
• The Secret Most Moms Don't Talk About
• The Magic of Win-Win's in Your Family
• 3 Rarely Discussed Principles That Could Make a World of Difference In Your Parenting

​CLEAN PARENTING™ PROGRAM

Would you love to create a life for yourself where yourself as well as your children are thriving?

Where all your needs are met?

Where you are finally consistently the mom you want to be for your children, and feel confident that your children will grow up to be emotionally healthy and whole?
​

​As parents, it is our responsibility to make sure that our children’s NEEDS are met. But much too often, parents lose track of the difference between wants and needs. They, consciously or not, feel they have to fulfill all their children’s wants, believe they are not meeting their children needs if they don’t fulfill a want.

​Nonviolent Communication (a book I consider essential for all parents, and the only book I request that all parents who take my Clean Parenting Program read) teaches us about the distinction between needs and strategies to meet those needs. The value of knowing this distinction is that we can identify the underlying needs beneath the children’s wants, and make sure those needs are met even if we can’t, in a way that keeps us and our family in a state of balance, fulfill their want.

Here are some examples that illustrate that distinction:

• If what the child wants is a cookie, the need might be physical nourishment, caused by hunger. In this case, other strategies to meet this need might be a piece of fruit, cheese, serving dinner. Or the feeling could be boredom, and therefore the need be enjoyable engagement. In this case, playing a game with the child, or setting up some paints for him might meet the need. Or the feeling could be discomfort, and the need internal peace. In that case, talking with the child and allowing her to express her feelings and process them through crying will meet the need.
• If the toddler wants to nurse at night, the need might comfort or connection. In this case, rocking the child or rubbing her back could meet that need. If the need is safety, sleeping with her will meet that need.
• If a child doesn’t want you to leave for a few hours, when you’re leaving him with an adult you know he feels safe with and has a close connection to, though he might be upset by your leaving, his needs, for safety, connection and trust that they matter will (except for unusual circumstances) generally still be met, as long as you empathize with him, acknowledge his feelings, and provide space for him to feel them.

You can find a list of universal human needs on the Center for Nonviolent Communication here.

I had a huge aha! moment yesterday when hearing a health coach talk about the goal of her work being to bring us back to HOMEOSTASIS.

Because I realized that's what I do for families!!!!

And achieving this state is my heartfelt wish for all families!

I just didn't yet have the words for it (thank you so much Jeanne Rubin!)

In my writing and in my programs, I repeat over and over that:
​

• parenting can be easy (you can read about it here and here) 
• I talk about the importance of working on your parenting foundation
• I talk about the problems with focusing on behaviors
• I talk about the importance of focusing on meeting needs
• The importance of looking for the unmet needs underneath the undesirable behaviors, and focusing on meeting those instead over focusing on addressing the behaviors
• I talk about how, many times, even though you've uncovered the unmet need underneath the specific behavior happening in the moment, it's still not the true cause of the issue. And that you need to dig deeper, to become aware of and address core unmet needs in your child's life, and to repair damage that's occurred to their sense of self, their sense of safety, and/or your relationship.

All of this is to support you in reaching what I'm today starting to call FAMILY HOMEOSTASIS.

Moms consistently reach it through my program, and they know the MOMENT they achieve it. 

Because it's almost palpable. 

There's a quality of ease, flow, connection and presence to it that can't be put into words.

(I've written about it at length in my recent article Presence and Authenticity with Children, published in Heartfulness Magazine.)

Often times, they doubt it when they first experience it, in part because it feels too good to be true, and in part because it often disappears once they start focusing on it, and getting back into their heads instead of remaining in their hearts and in their bodies.

But as they progress through the program, and firmly integrate all the principles I teach, that state becomes more and more common in their lives.

It stabilizes and integrates, and because all I teach is designed to connect you to your own guidance and your own answers, for many participants, it only deepens after the program ends, instead of receding.

(Some do need extra support for this state to become permanent, either on the parenting or on the emotional healing fronts, which I offer as well.)

This doesn't mean that everything is always perfect in the families who have reached homeostasis. 

Not at all. 

Bad days happen. Negative behaviors happen. Parents lose it. 

But it no longer shakes the mom's foundation. 

Because she knows WHAT went wrong, and WHY. And she knows how to address it. 

She knows that perfection is an impossible goal and that she's as deserving of compassion and understanding as her children. That she's also human.

She knows how to make amends and how to support her children in fully processing the painful experience. 

And she trusts in the solidity of her children's sense of self and in their relationship, and therefore knows that whatever happened won't permanently affect them.

​My beloved clean parenting and healing coach trainee, Kristen Phillips, wrote the following after reading a draft of this article:

"Homeostasis is such a comforting concept for me to keep in mind throughout my day with my two sons. Realizing that homeostasis is the goal, not perfection, takes the pressure off.  It makes me feel like ups and downs are to be expected, not to be feared or resisted. I used to stress about situations that happened that didn’t go they way I’d hoped, or if things felt off with one of my boys. But now, I just remind myself that the goal is homeostasis, and that I know how to get us back there. I just take some time to sink into my body and empathize with myself and my boys. It's easy to see where things are off, what needs aren’t being met. 

Life is a constant journey of changes and fine tuning, and now I feel comfortable rolling with that instead of pressuring myself to keep everything perfect in this imperfect world."

Achieving this state is the reason I say I didn't feel like I was parenting my children, but that we were living our lives together. 

Of course I was busy, and saw it as my role to meet their needs! 

But there was an effortless quality to our relationships (with occasional bumps) that doesn't fit with what most people believe parenting is.
​
And though I know this might be hard to believe, my children extremely rarely fought, even though all 3 are strong-willed and tend to be leaders. So this whole big area of parenting multiple children, which is where the energy (physical, mental and emotional) of most parents of multiples is focused on, was non-existent for me.

When your family's in a state of homeostasis, there's resiliency, goodwill, understanding, flexibility, caring for each member, a knowing that the children will be okay, trust that you can handle whatever happens, peace of mind (instead of spending half your day in your head rehashing something that happened and went wrong, or worrying about something children related) and most of all (at least the piece that might most appeals to ​many parents) EASE.

Does all this resonate with you too?

I'm so excited to feel like I've finally put my finger on the heart of my work, and what my goal is for all parents, all children, all families to experience.

I wish, with all my heart, that all families could live the ease, harmony and sense of rightness that is the result of family homeostasis.

So, to your family's!! ♥

And if you need some support in achieving it in your family, email me! I've created a highly effective program to help families get there, and would love to work with you if it resonates with you.

Lots of love,

​
For a discussion of 4 of the key principles I work with moms on integrating to achieve family homeostasis, request my FREE report,

The Almost Magical Formula For Surprising Ease and Harmony in Your Family While Fully Honoring Your  Children’s Spirits.

Here's what one mom wrote to me after completing this program:

“My kids used to have big feelings almost daily, certainly at least weekly. This has changed immensely. My being matter of fact and holding out positive expectation and being a leader has shifted this. My kids TALK to me and with each other during challenging times, things that used to explode don't anymore...we breeze through them calmly. My life doesn't revolve around my kids unless I decide I want it to at any given moment. My kids respect my time and space and they play well on their own. I feel much more relaxed around things that caused me stress before.

This class should be taught to everyone - instead of birthing classes. It should be taught in schools.”

Erin Reindl, Child and Family Therapist, Denver, USA

Read on for a detailed explanation of what I mean, many examples that might help you uncover if there are parts of your life with your children which you’re not accepting, or feelings that you’ve not taken the time to fully feel that are getting in your way of being the parent you so wish to be.

​I also provide some guidance in how to mourn and heal in those areas of your life.


ACCEPTANCE

Acceptance is key is two main areas in our lives:

1. In being at peace in our lives, and being able to enjoy it and the people in it.
2. In being able to move forward towards what we want, instead of being stuck in the past or focused on what we don’t want.

As long as we’re not accepting a situation, a person, ourselves, we’re caught up in a losing battle, because the situation or person ARE what they are!

Our thoughts don’t have any impact on the person or situation, but rob us of our inner peace, of our ability to be present, and of our ability to take effective action. They also often get in our way of seeing the situation or person objectively.

I think of it like this: Imagine that you’re wanting to drive somewhere, which we’ll call location B. You’re sitting in your car with a map and are very disgruntled that you’re at location A. You really think you should be at location C because something about location A feels wrong. It may feel too far from your destination, it may be that something your partner did caused you to be there instead of in location C, etc.

Your partner is ready to start driving toward your destination but you can’t let go of focusing on where you think you should be, blaming yourself, your partner, the weather or a situation that happened for being there. All your attention is on where you think you should be and what caused you not to be there.

You can see here that until you accept that you’re in location A, find it on a map and find the route to location B, you’ll never get there.

One example of this that I often come across is moms wishing their partner was more on board with peaceful parenting, more empathetic, or more engaged with the children. Or thinking that they should be. (Incidentally, I consider ‘should’ to be the only bad word in the English language, because it so very rarely is helpful, because of all that’s discussed in this article.)

While that mom is thinking about what her husband isn’t or should be, or what he isn’t doing or should be doing, this is where all her energy is focused.

What would be productive instead, is to accept that for now, her partner is how he is, and then deciding what she wants to do about it.

It could simply be accepting that he is how he is, and arranging her life around that reality, accepting to be with him as he is.

It could be deciding to have a proactive conversation about what she wants and needs in order to be happy in the relationship, and seeing if there’s a way of getting there with that partner.

It could be deciding to go to counselling, to get help in addressing the parts of the relationship that aren’t working.

It could be realizing that what that person actually is is not someone she can live with, and deciding to leave the relationship.

There’s no right or wrong here, it’s just about ensuring that she's using her energy toward what she wants instead of what she doesn’t want, and finding out what’s true for her, so that she can move toward creating a life that will be a fit for her, meet her needs and match her values, if that’s what she desires.
 

THE PAIN OF ACCEPTANCE

It can be difficult to accept a situation, person or circumstance, because doing so can be very painful. It sometimes forces us to accept that something we want will not become reality for us.

Acknowledging that I’d never get married again in time to create the new family life I wanted with my daughters was excruciating. This was a dear dream that I had, both because I wanted to experience it with my daughters but also because the pain of my deeply unstable childhood was triggered by not having it.

As long as I kept thinking and talking about how I wanted it and needed it to feel stable and fulfilled, I didn’t have to face the pain of not having it. Yet when I finally decided to accept it and mourned it I suddenly felt free of a weight and pain I’d lived with for years, of something that was so often occupying my thoughts yet offering absolutely nothing positive in my life.
 

ACCEPTANCE CAN FORCE US TO MAKE A DECISION OR TO TAKE ACTION

It can also be difficult to accept a situation, person or circumstance, because doing so can force us to make a decision.

In certain situations, fully accepting that what is is forces us to make a conscious decision.

For example as long as you think your workplace should be a certain way, you stay at that job talking with your co-workers about what’s wrong with it, blaming who’s responsible for it, thinking about how it hurts and wrongs you, thinking about who should be doing what. But once you fully accept that it is exactly as it is, you then have to choose whether this is something that you can live with or want, whether you can proactively affect the change you want and are willing to do so, or if you need to take the step to leave your job and deal with all the ramifications of that decision.

I vividly remember this happening to me in a relationship. In the depth and safety of a women’s Circle, I finally named something I’d never been able to admit to myself relative to my relationship. Once those words were spoken, I couldn’t unspeak them and had to face the fact that the relationship I’d always thought would last my whole life may not work for me. And I did end up leaving it, from a place of groundedness and clarity, a few months later.
 

​ACCEPTANCE DOESN’T MEAN WE DON’T DO ANYTHING

Another reason people resist accepting situations as they are is a belief that it means giving up on what they want. A fear that if they accept it, they’ll be stuck in it forever.

Accepting something doesn't mean that we don't do anything about. It means we let go of the fantasy of being where we wish we were and get firmly grounded in where we actually are, in reality.

​And then, from this place of being grounded in reality, we can start taking effective and clear actions to get us where we want to be.
 

One of the trickiest parts of parenting, in our current culture, is finding alignment around food and screens.
 
In my experience, for many of us, so much work is needed to be able to show up in a ‘clean way,’ in those areas, that I might one day write a whole book on this topic!
 
But for now, I want to provide you with some of my thoughts around it.

 
Processed food and electronics are not natural
 
I am a huge proponent of trusting our children’s inner guidance and allowing them to make their own decisions when it comes to their personal experience which doesn’t affect other people. HUGE proponent.
 
But I don’t necessarily suggest it when it comes to food and electronics. Because the food our children now have access to and screens in general are very unnatural.
 
If we lived in the jungle, whether my children ate nuts, fruits, vegetables or meat, they’d be getting quality nutrients. Not so of the majority of food available in Western culture grocery stores.
 
Similarly, 50 years ago, whether my children would have chosen to play with dolls, sticks, a board game, ride on their bicycles, run around outside or engage with me in my household or outdoor activity, I’d know they’re engaged in something wholesome.
 
I don’t think that evolutionarily, which is the perspective through which I look at children, all humans are adapted to naturally gravitate to what’s best or right for them, considering the very addictive alternatives presented to them.

 
I don’t have an opinion on what is THE right answer when it comes to food or screens
 
Some trustworthy experts claim that certain foods and additives should be avoided at all costs if we’re to be healthy, whereas some others encourage us to eat a variety of foods in as close to their natural state as possible, but without making anything forbidden.
 
Some children do well on a wide variety of foods whereas some are deeply affected by even a smidgen of food additives or refined wheat. Some children are able to moderate themselves when it comes to what we’d consider unhealthy foods, and naturally balance their diets, whereas others will consistently choose THE least nutritious option available.
 
Similarly, with electronics, there are conflicting opinions in parenting philosophies I value. I’ve heard Waldorf educators talk about the importance of all screens being kept away from children. And I also know of unschooling experts who assert the importance of allowing children to make their own choices in regards to screens as well as everything else, and talk about the benefits of children using technology.
 
Some children when allowed full access to screens, just use them as part of the many things they engage in in their days, without it showing any detrimental effect. Some children seem to spend an inordinate amount of time on the computer, but as adults turn what might have seemed to us like an addiction into a rewarding career (you can read an awe inspiring example of this here.) Other children become obsessed with it, their interest in any other activity diminishes, and it affects their mood.
 
So my first piece of advice when it comes to food and screens is to look at your child.
 
How does he act when allowed full access to food and screens? How does he act when they are limited?
 
If you had no preconceived idea of what’s good and what isn’t, would there still be a problem?
 
Many of us have lots of (often unconscious) beliefs and fears that prevent us from thinking clearly when it comes to food and electronics. Parents I work with express irrational fears of their children becoming obese, sick, losers, having no personal drive, etc.
 
So part of the work I do with moms in my advanced programs is unpacking all those beliefs and fears, so that they could be questioned and seen through.
 

Nurturing their sense of self
 
If you’ve been following me a while, you’ve likely already heard me say many times that THE most important thing for you to focus on is your child’s sense of self. 
 
I even recently said that it’s the #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12 things to focus on.
 
Anything else you think is important to focus on comes in 13th place.
 
So this is true in light of this topic as well. If your child doesn’t feel good about himself, he’s much more likely to engage in addictive and numbing behaviors, to soothe his inner discomfort and to bring joy to himself in a way he’s able to.
 
Children don’t know how to say “Mom, I’m not feeling happy these days because I don’t feel loved by you. Could you please address me respectfully and act as though you’re on my team, so I can feel your love?”

They also may not know that the reason they’re not feeling good is because they’re still upset about something that happened 2 weeks ago or 5 years ago, or because they’re feeling displaced by their younger sibling. They’ll just be feeling unease, and look for a way to assuage it. Food and screens are often what they’ll reach for if it’s available.
 
I believe that when children feel good about themselves, have an inner sense of peace and well-being, they’re a lot less likely to reach for unhealthy foods or latch on to electronics in an unhealthy way.

 
Are his needs met?
 
Germaine to the previous point is considering if your child’s needs are met. Some of the primary ones I’d consider in the context of this discussion would be his needs for social interaction, for interesting activities, for fun and stimulation.
 
Even if your child has a strong sense of self, if the needs above aren’t met, he may reach for exciting foods or electronics to meet those needs.
​

For some guidance in raising children with a healthy sense of self and meeting their most
important needs, request my FREE report: "The Almost Magical Formula For Surprising Ease and
Harmony in Your Family While Fully Honoring Your Children’s Spirits"

 
Honor your inner guidance! 
 
One of the biggest problems I see in parents who deeply want to honor and respect their children (this is rampant in unschooling communities,) is that parents do not honor their own guidance. Even when something feels off to them, they refuse to set limits and give authentic feedback.
 
My goal as a parent and a human is to get to a place where I respond to all situations from a place of self-connection and presence, being deeply attuned to the situation I’m in, free of beliefs and conditioning.
 
A big goal of unpacking our stuff, letting go of our conditioning and healing our baggage is to allow us to have access to that place, to our inner guidance, to the voice of truth inside of us, to live in alignment with life/God/the universe, whatever you call it.
 
DON’T IGNORE THAT VOICE!
 
We are social beings. The idea is not to never give feedback to others. It’s to do it in a way that’s respectful and honoring of the person, and that’s guided from truth, not fear or conditioning.
 
TIP: One question that can be helpful when you feel the urge to give someone feedback is to ask yourself what your motivation is. Does it feel personal, like for control, for them to be like you, to get attention, fear based? Or does it feel grounded and clear and true?
 
Back to our topic, the way honoring my inner guidance plays out in my relationships, including with my children, is that I’m attuned to my feelings and intuition, If I feel that something needs to be said or that something feels off, I name it.
 
So if what your children are eating or the way they’re engaging with electronics feels off, once you’ve unpacked your stuff around it and aren’t coming from a triggered or judgmental place, talk to them about it. Engage in an honest conversation, honor your guidance.
 
People respond to authenticity as opposed to attempts to be manipulated. Your realness, your honesty, your trust in your children and your open-mindedness are what will support you in coming up with an approach to food and screens that feels right to everyone.
 
​I recognize that this isn’t easy. A lot of work might need to go into being able to have that open-minded conversation, both in terms of you clearing your stuff around the topic, and in terms of creating a relationship with your child where he really feels you’re on his team and values your feedback.
​

​ADDITIONAL RESOURCES, to put the info from the article into practice:

By Eliane, founder Parenting For Wholeness

A lot of parents are puzzled by how to get children to listen to them, do what they need to do, behave appropriately, without using any kind of punishments or rewards, without any manipulation and coercion.

Without even, as I recommend, ever using the word 'rule.' (Stay tuned for a full article on this soon. Click here if you're not already on my email list, to be sure not to miss it.)

One key condition that needs to be in place for this to happen is that THEY HAVE TO TRUST YOU.

Your children's deep trust in you is one of the most powerful tools you have to influence them.

And possibly the only real one left once they are teens and you no longer have much control over them.

So how do you develop that trust?

I've written about some of those ways before:

• Having realistic expectations
• Being a clear and benevolent leader
• Trusting THEM
• Being on their team
• Addressing the underlying cause of their behaviors and providing support instead of just controlling behaviors

But the one I want to focus on today, is one that blew the mind of a mom I'm currently working with in my Clean Parenting program, when she came yesterday to the module on "How To Express Yourself When Guiding Your Children."

And made me realize it was time for me to write an article on it.

This key to having your children trust you and want to listen to your guidance is BEING HONEST AND AUTHENTIC with your children!
​
Here's an excerpt from my Clean Parenting module that teaches this topic:
​

Be honest.

Whenever you state an opinion or a potential consequence as a “truth,” you’re damaging your credibility with your child, as well as her trust in you. You’re also teaching her to be manipulative in order to get a result she wants. 

This is so rampant in our society that you may not even be aware it’s happening. 

Examples of it are:

• “Your teeth will rot if you don’t brush them.”

• “You won’t be healthy if you eat this.”

• “You’ll die of cancer if you smoke.”

• “You need to wear a bike helmet to stay safe.” 

The truth is that YOU DON’T KNOW IF THAT IS TRUE!

Some proofs of that:

• My daughter with the healthiest teeth of the family is the one who took the least care of them. 

• Some people are incredibly healthy even though by all standards they live an unhealthy lifestyle, whereas some get sick all the time and die young even though they did everything “right.” 

• And then there’s the woman who was asked what her secret was to living to 100, to which she responded that she attributes it to quitting smoking at age 78. 

• There was a recent article that stated that bicycle helmets give a false sense of security and block some of the senses, which may actually interfere with safety. (I don’t personally have an opinion either way, I’m just using it for the sake of the example.)

So here you need to seriously ask yourself why you want your child to do a certain thing. Just this can lead to some serious personal growth.

Examples of honestly expressing your request: 

• “I would like you to put on a sweater, because I’m afraid you’ll get cold and could get sick.” 

• “I’d really like you to brush your teeth, because I don’t want you to have cavities and have to go through the trouble of getting them fixed (or whatever is true for you in that instance.) Brushing them regularly will really help with keeping your teeth healthy.”

• “I’m uncomfortable with you using this sharp knife, because the last time you did you got distracted and almost cut yourself.”

• “I’m not comfortable with you holding the dog’s leash, because I’m not seeing you watch out for what she’s doing.”

​By honestly expressing yourself, you’re naming the real issue. Your child then has a chance to respond and address it. You’re starting a dialogue.

She gets to learn how to be safer, healthier, more appropriate, from a place of information, not control. 

In your list of situations, notice if there’s anything you say to your child which you can’t know with absolute certainty to be true.


Be authentic.

Children (humans!) respond to authenticity, because it is alive. It is what is unarguably true. You can HEAR and FEEL authenticity. It creates goodwill. It inspires. It connects. It taps into their innate desire to please you. It awakens what is alive in them. 

When you’re authentic you’re taking responsibility for your feelings. It can be challenging because it can force you to be vulnerable. 

Examples of authentically expressing your request: 

• “Hmm, I'm feeling nervous watching you use the knife in this way. Please grab the carrot with your fingers underneath your hand to make sure they're safe.”

• "It makes me feel so happy when I wake up to a neat house. Can we please come up with a strategy to have it picked up before we go to bed?"

• "I'm really having a hard day today. Would you mind helping your sister out with her snack?"

• "I love seeing how much fun you're having with your friend AND I'm also thinking that dinner time will come soon and I need to get home to prepare it. How about you play for 10 more minutes and then we pack it up?"

Now think of a situation in which someone is trying to CONVINCE you to do something. 

How does it feel? How do you react? 

Now think of a situation in which someone would like you to do something for them, and they are honestly and authentically expressing their reason for it. 

How does that feel? How do you respond to that? 

Write your experience of that reflection below.

And now another question around authenticity:

Does anything come up for you around being authentic with your child? Does it feel uncomfortable? Scary? Wrong?

One caveat of authenticity is that you need to make sure what you’re sharing with your child is appropriate and presented in a responsible way. You don’t want to make them feel responsible for your feelings. You don’t want to pour out your heart full of pain in a way they’re not able to handle or relate to. You don’t want to overshare. 
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Children can handle our range of feelings, as long as we express them responsibly and take responsibility for them instead of blaming others. It's actually important that they do see us experience negative feelings and see how we handle them. Otherwise how will they learn how to behave when they have strong feelings?

Also, us naming what’s actually going on and which they’re likely picking up on and feeling, helps them relax. It makes their world make sense, instead of living in the discord of being told everything’s okay or seeing mom pretending to be happy when they clearly feel it’s not the case, which is a form of gaslighting and pretty damaging to one’s sense of self and ability to function well in the world.

Here’s a story that helps illustrate all this:
 
In one of my Clean Parenting groups, I shared that when my girls were little, for one day in my cycle, I’d feel like I turned into a ‘possessed evil bitch’ (excuse the language.) I would be incredibly irritable and at times told my girls things I deeply regretted the next day. So I told them to just ignore anything that I said on my PMS days because I couldn’t be trusted on those days.

Inspired by this story, Kim decided to do the following:

"The cloud" descended on me yesterday (as in "hello darkness my old friend") and I made it beautifully through without the girls even guessing that I was feeling "blue". This morning, however, the heaviness was much greater and whereas in the past I would be irritable and impatient with them because I just wanted to crawl in a hole and disappear, instead I shared how I was feeling with them. I decided I needed to be more honest with them. I told them I was feeling sad and it was not because of anything they have done. I explained that sometimes I feel sad and need a good cry (which gave a wonderful opportunity to talk about how good it feels to have a good cry). I then told them that my sadness made me feel irritated and impatient and that I wondered if they would mind working a little harder today on finding win-win situations with one another and I would try really hard, too, to not be impatient or snap at them. We all did marvelously with one another! There was only one incident in a store but we worked through it in minutes.
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They "get" it! And have even used it back to me! "Mom, I'm feeling sad today. Can you hold me?" “Mom, I'm really mad at you for not letting us have candy".

​But like I teach in this Clean Parenting module on How To Express Yourself When Guiding Your Children, integrating this (as well as the other 3 points covered in it) is likely to take a while. 

It’s likely to require you to develop a lot of self-awareness and new ways of being that are very different from what you have learned and have practiced for most of your life. 

• ​Your children will deeply trust you and therefore be open to what you have to say, even as teenagers. 
• They will model what you do and therefore learn to know themselves.

• YOU will learn to know yourself. This is the basis for healing and creating a life and relationships that will truly fulfill YOU. In working on this for your children, you'll be giving to yourself and open yourself up to a life where YOU are more whole. 

• You will learn to live more authentically.

I'd love to hear your reactions to this article if you'd like to share them in the comments below.

And if you'd like my support in parenting honestly and authentically, and integrating clean parenting into your family (this article gives you a taste of what that will look like, with it being half of one of 21 program modules,) email me at [email protected].

I would LOVE to work with you if my Clean Parenting™ program is the right fit for you!

​Warmly,

PS:  Are you ready to say ‘no more’ to what’s going on in your family?

If you deeply resonate with my perspective and with Clean Parenting™, do yourself and your family the favor of checking out my Clean Parenting™ Program.

It might just be what’s needed for you to finally start living what you believe in your heart is possible.
​

By Eliane Sainte-Marie, founder Parenting For Wholeness
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There are many wonderful peaceful parenting teachings, authors, programs and coaches nowadays. Which is so exciting to me!

But many moms come to me, saying they have read every book and some having even worked with some of those teachers, and they are EXHAUSTED.

They feel like their whole life is about finding ways to peacefully manage their children’s emotions and behaviors, and their cup is completely empty.

Another common concern moms share with me is that they struggle to get their partner on board to respectfully respond to their children’s behaviors. 

For many, though the dads theoretically agree with the values of peaceful parenting, they don’t see it as being effective, and are tired of their homes feeling like a free-for-all. 

They therefore insist on using time-outs, consequences and punishments in an attempt to get some sense of order in their families, which breaks the moms’ hearts, and causes conflict in the family.

All this happens because there’s a missing piece in many wonderful peaceful parenting teachings.

But before I divulge what it is, I want to give you an experience of it.

Please take a moment to picture this: 

You have just moved somewhere with a completely different culture.

Imagine that you’re there alone, not knowing the language and not knowing any of the local customs. Not knowing what is considered rude or might upset people or possibly even make them want to harm you. Not knowing how to operate any of their technology or how to operate in their society, organizations, businesses, etc. 

How would that feel?

And now imagine that you have a local guide who is there to help you acclimate. Would you do whatever you want, or would you check with that trusted person to find out what's appropriate? Would that person be controlling you or helping you adapt to the culture? 

As far as that guide goes, would you prefer someone who is afraid to control you, afraid to give you information, who is apologetic and who avoids giving you directions as much as possible? Or would you want someone who knows you well, knows what you already know and what you haven’t encountered yet, and matter-of-factly presents you with the information you need when you need it? 

This clear, confident and benevolent leadership piece is what I find is missing from many otherwise wonderful teachings.

Here are 5 resources that dive deeply into what that clear benevolent leadership is or demonstrate it (and a video of my daughter demonstrating it toward the end of this article:)

• My article The Key to Well-Behaved Children Who Listen to You, While Fully Respecting Them.
• My audio Being the Clear Benevolent Leader Your Children Need.
• This illuminating article by Abigail Warren: Restoring Harmony - A Mother’s Story.
• My audio interview Why Leadership Is the Missing Link in Conscious Parenting.
• My article with video: What Clear Benevolent Leadership Looks Like.

Here are 2 more which will likely also be important ones for you, if you resonate with everything else in this article so far:
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• My article Could You Be TOO Child-Centered?

• My article 7 Problems with Avoiding Saying ‘No’ at all Costs

You can also request my FREE Report: ​
​
"The Almost Magical Formula For Surprising Ease and Harmony in
Your Family ​While Fully Honoring Your Children’s Spirits."
​

Developing this clear benevolent leadership is one of the most powerful things you can do to move you toward the ease and harmony I promise you is possible in your family.

It took me quite a while to figure how to implement this in my parenting, after learning about it in my parenting bible, The Continuum Concept.

And I find that it’s one of the hardest things to develop, in my intensive work with parents in my Clean Parenting™ program.

But oh the difference that happens once it is embodied!

(And a bonus is that our children then develop that skill that serves them in many aspects of their lives, particularly at work once they are in charge of other people! You can see my oldest daughter demonstrating Clear Benevolent Leadership in this video. I'm such a proud mama! ♥ )

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​One of my core messages in my work is that parenting can be easy. Because it truly is how I experienced it. Not that life with children was always easy, but the parenting piece was.

ONCE I figured out how to embody that clear benevolent leadership stance that The Continuum Concept described, I felt like I wasn’t really parenting, but just living my life with my children. (You can read about my experience here.)

And I’ve found this to be replicable in the families I work with, again, once that leadership piece clicks into place.

(I want to note that though I’m a huge proponent of unschooling and it’s what we did in my family until my daughters each chose to attend school, I find that this leadership piece is also lacking in many unschooling families, to the detriment of all family members. The parents so want to give their children freedom over their own choices that they don’t set limits or boundaries on things that impact the whole family, and generally the main caretaker in particular.)

Here’s what 2 moms have shared with me once that happened for them:

“My kids used to have big feelings almost daily, certainly at least weekly. This has changed immensely. My being matter of fact and holding out positive expectation and being a leader has shifted this. My kids TALK to me and with each other during challenging times, things that used to explode don't anymore...we breeze through them calmly. My life doesn't revolve around my kids unless I decide I want it to at any given moment. My kids respect my time and space and they play well on their own. I feel much more relaxed around things that caused me stress before. This class should be taught to everyone - instead of birthing classes. It should be taught in schools.” Erin Reindl, child and family therapist, Denver.

“I love parenting in this very Clean way. We started seeing whole chunks of hours without any conflict, and eventually it became days! It's so satisfying, freeing, relieving. So wonderful to respect Olivia while maintaining healthy boundaries and to see her thrive.” Mona Sanei.

But you know how I say that parenting can be easy, but that the path to that ease is not necessarily easy?

I've found that the leadership stance that I teach is one of the hardest things for parents to embody. A lot of the work the moms and dads do in my Clean Parenting™ Program is to learn to parent from this stance, to find that natural leadership in themselves, and to clear what's in their way of embodying it.

If you resonate with the importance of being that leader to your children and don't trust that you can get there on your own, consider joining my next Clean Parenting™ group.

I would love to help you uncover and develop your clear benevolent leadership skills! Email me to set up a time to chat and see if this program would be the right fit for you.

With much love,

By Eliane - Founder, Parenting For Wholeness
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Dearest mother,

Would you ever talk to your children the way you talk to yourself?

Would you ever treat them the way you treat yourself?
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Do you want them to learn to treat themselves in the way you treat yourself?

Most of us are SO hard on ourselves!

Even in peaceful parenting circles, where moms know in their bones that their children are innately good, and that any misbehavior comes from an unmet need, they somehow fail to apply this truth to themselves.

Do you ever ask yourself WHY you do things that aren't in alignment with your ideals or your goals? 

Or do you jump right to judging yourself, beating yourself up, and 'shoulding' yourself?

Chances are that if you've been following my work, you're aware that whenever a child 'misbehaves,' there's a reason for it. And that as parents, our job is to identify the cause so we can address it.

It's even possible that right now, on your fridge, is my Checklist of 10 Questions To Ask When Your Child Misbehaves... so you can respond positively, respectfully and effectively. (If you don't yet have it, you can click the button below to request it.)
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But what about YOU?

If it's true for your children that their 'misbehaviors' are caused by unmet needs or lack of information, support, connection, etc, doesn't it make sense that it's the same for you?!?

Of course it is!!!

Though all parents who sign up for my Clean Parenting™ Program do so to be better parents to their children, a large part of my work with them is to support them in connecting with their own feelings and needs, and attending to them as much as they attend to their children's.
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Because only when you honor yourself can you have access to the groundedness, clarity and your inner guidance which are needed for you to be the parent you want to be.

And only when you're connected to yourself can you be the clear benevolent leader that your children need to thrive.

So I've decided to create a Checklist for YOU, similar as the one I created for children's behaviors.

I hope you download it and use it to help you give yourself the same understanding and support you give your children.​​​​​​​

​
12 Things to Look At Instead of Judging Yourself… 

​when you’ve ‘messed up’ or fallen short of your ideals

  ✔  Had you previously been ignoring your feelings and needs?

  ✔  Were your expectations of yourself realistic in this situation?

  ✔  Did you have a need that wasn’t being met and caused you to react in this way?

  ✔  Have you had the proper support, information and training to be able to deal with this situation effectively?

  ✔  Was your painful baggage activated and preventing you from reacting in a grounded way?

  ✔  Were you sitting with an emotion or experience that needed to be processed?

  ✔  Are you trying to please someone and meet their ideals instead of following your own values?

  ✔  Am you trying to make yourself into who you think you should be instead of accepting and   honoring yourself just as you intrinsically are?

  ✔  Are you talking to yourself as though you’re on your team? Being kind and understanding?

  ✔  Are you modeling to your children how you want them to learn to treat themselves?

  ✔  Are you forgetting that you’re innately good and usually behave in accordance with your values when your needs are met and you have proper support?

  ✔  How can you address the root cause of your behavior instead of trying to control the symptom? The way you would with your children?
​

(If this list resonates with you, you can download a pdf version of this one as well, which you can reference whenever you're tempted to be unkind to yourself.)
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​It is my firm belief that we are all innately good and well-intentioned. And that as parents, we’re deserving of the same things we strive to give our children.

Our responsibility to ourselves, just like to our children, is to treat ourselves with kindness and understanding, and to learn to attend to our feelings and needs so that we’re able to be the beautiful, happy and compassionate human beings that we innately are.

And as we do so, we automatically become better, kinder and more effective parents to our children.

If you'd like support in fully meeting yours and your children's needs, and in becoming the parent you long to be, look into my Clean Parenting™ program.

For support in learning to parent in a way that fully honors yourself as well as your children, check out my Clean Parenting™ Program.
​

​By Eliane - Founder, Parenting For Wholeness

​A conflict happened with a mom in my Clean Parenting™ Program  and I didn’t like it. It was uncomfortable. 

The thing is, I really like her. And I’m pretty sure she really likes me too. Yet, the situation needed to be addressed because neither one of us was at peace, and it was interfering in the work we were doing together.

We Facebook messaged each other several times, explaining how we experienced the situations, what was important to each of us in it, and wanting to understand the other.

There was fear of hurting the other.
Fear of having messed up.
Fear of being in trouble.
Fear of creating an uncomfortable situation.
General fear of conflict.

But through goodwill and open communication, the situation was easily resolved. In fact, it seems to have led to even more connection.

Always wanting to get to the root of any issue, I sat with it afterward, trying to identify what caused it to happen. 

Yes, some information was missed. And yes, at some point there was a delay in expressing a truth. 

But those weren't THE cause of the conflict...

And then the answer came to me, so obvious I couldn't believe I hadn't realized it before.

You know what the real cause of the whole situation was? 

It’s that LIFE IS MESSY!!!

We may be good people, have great intentions, have great relationships skills, and be in relationship with like-minded people, yet conflicts WILL happen!

They are inevitable.

Many of us (me first in line) try to avoid discomfort. We hope to get to a point where relationships are smooth, where conflict doesn’t happen, and where we’ve develop the skills needed to have a smooth life.

But we’re setting ourselves up for an epic fail, because life will NEVER be that way.
​

So the goal for me is no longer to avoid discomfort, or, I’m realizing, even to avoid causing discomfort in another.

It’s accepting that life is messy, and learning to navigate the messes as gracefully as possible.
 
This applies to life with children too.

Sometimes, toward the end of my Clean Parenting™ Program, when things are going very well in their family, a mom will report a messy situation that happened, which she handled skillfully, yet she still asks me what she could have done to prevent it from happening.
 
And my answer sometimes is: "Nothing!"
 
The goal is NOT to never have issues, upset people, or conflicts in your family. 
 
That's just not realistic. And if that's your goal, you'll make yourself crazy and will feel like a failure, because you'll never attain it.
 
The goal, for me, is to have everyone's needs in the family met, to have close and healthy connection between all the family members, and to have goodwill, skill and confidence to handle the inevitable conflicts, emotional outbursts and messes that happen. 

(For a guide in this, request my FREE Report: ​"The Almost Magical Formula For Surprising Ease and Harmony in Your Family While Fully Honoring Your Children’s Spirits.")

Peter Gray wrote a wonderful article where he encourages us to strive to be good enough parents instead of perfect parents. In it he writes: 

"The belief that perfection, or even something approaching it, is possible in parenting promotes a tendency to blame.  The perfectionist reasoning is this:  If problems arise, then they must be someone’s fault.  Parents seeking perfection blame themselves, or their spouse, or their children when things are not just right.  Blame never helps.  Blame is the bane of every family in which it occurs."

So, here's to you letting go of the weight of perfectionism! ☺

Warmly,

​
​P.S.: And if you're ready to live my goal (of having everyone's needs in the family be met, having close and healthy connection between all the family members, and having the skill and confidence to handle the inevitable conflicts, emotional outbursts and messes that happen) and can't get there on your own, I can help!
​

SUGGESTIONS: If you liked this article, you may also enjoy:

• How Do I Stop Myself Midway When I'm Triggered?
• Would You Like This for Your Children? One Family's Results of Natural Parenting
• The Secret Most Moms Don't Talk About
• AUDIO: Do You Believe Your Children Are Innately Good and Cooperative?
• Could Your Struggle Just Be Caused By An Unrealistic Expectation?
• I Call It Clean Parenting: An Instinctual and Evolutionary Approach to Parenting

A favorite author of mine, Tracy Gillett of Raised Good, just published a book, and it inspired me to compile for you this list of 10 books I most recommend.

So here you go:
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​Though I haven't read the following 2 books, I have read many of the authors' articles and fully endorse their approaches when it comes to parenting toddlers and older children. Many of my clients have found them helpful because they provide lots of practical guidance in parenting toddlers.
​

I want to make it clear that this list is in no way comprehensive.

I haven't read any parenting book (besides re-reading The Continuum Concept numerous times) in over 20 years. I'm sure there are many other wonderful books that also fully align with my work.

If you know of other books that support parents in parenting peacefully and effectively and raising whole children, please post them in the comment section below!
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I hope you've found value in this list, as well as some of the additional links.

Lots of love,

If reading books isn't enough for you to live your parenting ideals with your children, and to experience the ease and harmony I promise you is possible through peaceful parenting, check out my Clean Parenting™ program!
​
I have a new group starting August 7th, and still have 9 available spots in it. Email me if you're interested!

Here's what one mom wrote to me after completing that program:
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By Eliane of Parenting For Wholeness

Think about this for a minute.

Imagine a day when you’re feeling great. You had a good breakfast, feel rested, had a great connecting evening with your hubby last night, the sun is shining, you’re currently working on a project with a team leader who you like and values you and you have some fun plans for the day.

How do you react if your child spills a big glass of juice on the floor? Or someone asks you for a favor?

Then imagine a different scenario where your baby’s been sick and kept you up most of the night, you haven't had time to eat, your house is a mess, you had an argument with your hubby the night before, and there’s a project leader pushing you, not very nicely, to deliver on something that’s due today.

NOW how do you react when your child spills the juice, or someone asks you for a favor?

And how would it impact your behavior if your husband yelled at you or cut your monthly grocery budget for being snappy with your child? Or if he offered to take you out for a fun night IF you're nicer to your son?

I provide this analogy in my webinar "Your Clear Pathway to Parenting Harmony: 7 Keys to Becoming a Peaceful Parent," in the context of the 4th element which is FOCUSING ON MEETING NEEDS.

It might be a bit extreme of an example, but I really want to drive home the point that people act their best when their needs are met. And that similarly, they behave negatively when their needs aren’t met. And that it's not by trying to manipulate the symptoms of the unmet needs that you get true positive results.

For more on meeting needs and to learn to other 6 keys to becoming a peaceful parent, you can register for my webinar which I'll be presenting again on January 21st.

(I have several more analogies like this one to help you realize the differences between peaceful and traditional parenting from your perspective.)
​

For immediate guidance on parenting peacefully AND effectively, request my FREE Report:

The Almost Magical Formula For Surprising Ease and Harmony in Your Family While Fully Honoring Your Children’s Spirits. 
​

As moms, we've been gifted with very strong built-in instincts, which are a powerful tool to guide our parenting.

But if you’re like many moms I talk to, or myself 24 years ago, you often either don’t know how to access your instincts or you don’t fully trust them to guide your parenting.
​

Or you easily followed your instincts when you child was a baby, but it became much harder once she became a toddler, started exploring everything around her and developing strong preferences.
​
If that’s the case, read on for some guidance, suggestions and encouragement to trust yourself and discover your own truth when it comes to parenting and your family.
​
 
FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCTS

I first heard about my instincts when I was a new mom, in a La Leche League meeting, when I was encouraged to ‘follow my instincts.’

Coming from a family where my feelings were never acknowledged or taken into account, and where I was made wrong, shamed and sometimes even punished for them, I learned early on to not place any value on them and eventually to completely ignore them.

I learned to live my life ‘above the neck,’ valuing only rational arguments, spending tons of time trying to come up with ways of convincing people of the validity my ideas, in the hopes of sometimes getting my needs met and getting what I wanted in my life.

So when I was advised in La Leche League to follow my instincts, it felt like those moms were speaking a foreign language. I had absolutely no frame of reference to process this information. I was completely puzzled.

But as I kept spending time who moms who parented primarily from an instinctual place, I started realizing the ways in which I too was connected to my instincts and that they were already guiding me.

• When my baby would cry, every fiber of my being screamed out to pick her up. And I did.
• It felt right to nurse her on demand instead of looking at a clock and letting some arbitrary guideline and a clock dictate when to give her what always made her happy. So I did.
• I didn’t feel comfortable leaving her with strangers, and not even with loved ones for more than a few minutes. So I didn’t.

​Yes! I did have instincts, and they had been guiding me all along since I had my beautiful first baby Cassandra.

​MY DECISION TO FOLLOW MY INSTINCTS

Once I got exposed to La Leche League’s beautiful philosophy for caring for babies, and connected with like-minded moms, I started reading numerous books that they recommended.

I deeply resonated with concepts like the importance of secure attachment, of focusing on meeting not only physical needs but also emotional ones, trusting children, respectful and peaceful guidance, etc.

I also realized how profoundly my own needs went unmet as a child, and how much I still suffered from the consequences of it in every aspect of my life.

And I became determined that my children would not suffer in the way I had, and would not grow up with all the baggage that I still struggle to free myself from, 24 years later.

They would grow up with a rock solid sense of self, feeling unconditionally loved, that they mattered, were welcome, had all the support they needed, both physically and emotionally, and that they were perfect exactly as they were.

They would grow up with all I so desperately longed for as a child, and still did as an adult.

So I made what was possibly the most important decision I ever made in my life:

I committed myself to only doing what truly felt right to me when it came to parenting and fully listening to my instincts, even if they guided me toward practices that 99% of people around me, including pediatricians and so-called experts, disagreed with.

I followed my instincts when it came to deciding if my baby should sleep with me or in a separate room.
… when deciding whether my children were too old to sleep in our shared bedroom or not.
… when deciding how long it was okay to breastfeed my child.
… when deciding if I should push them to separate from me before they were comfortable doing so.
… when deciding whether or not to send my children to preschool or elementary.

And essentially, what I did (and I highly suggest you do too!) was blocked out what most of society was doing, and tuned in to my heart, to that place of knowing in me. And I also looked at my family and how we were all doing. And did what felt right for us.

If I needed an outside reference, in addition to getting feedback from parents I trusted, I’d think about what moms have done for most of humanity and what native people (who are much more connected to their instincts and a natural way of living than we are) still do, rather than the current fad or what’s been done for the last decade or 100 years.
 

INSTINCTS OR CONDITIONING?

Often times, I hear parents describe their feelings or reactions as instinctual, when what they actually are are automatic (reactive) or stemming from conditioning.

It’s important to understand this distinction, so parents truly learn to parent from their instincts (or inner guidance,) and don’t erroneously follow their conditioning’s guidance, mistaking it for their instincts.

Below are some examples of each.

Reactive response:

• Feeling the drive to punish your child when he’s not obeying because it’s what society has taught you (instead of recognizing your child is struggling with his feelings and needs help processing his experience.)
• Hitting your child right back when he hits you, because it’s what was done to you.
• Getting angry and sending your child to your room when he talks back because it triggered the part in you that was never allowed to express yourself to your parents, and you reacted from that wounded place instead of from a grounded mature place.

Conditioned response:

• Feeling like something’s wrong when your toddler still nurses several times a day because you’ve never seen a nursing toddler before.
• Feeling like there should be a negative consequence when your child does something wrong because you’ve been taught to believe that it’s the only way children learn.
• Feeling like you’re doing something wrong because you’re not doing what everyone else is doing, and some parenting books are recommending, and fearing the consequences of it.

Instinct-based response:

• My body screaming out for my newborn daughter when she was kept in nursery overnight in the hospital.
• Your feeling reluctant to wean your toddler when breastfeeding is such a connecting, easy and rewarding experience for both of you, even though your friends, relative and even your pediatrician tell you he no longer needs breastmilk past one year and that you’re making him dependent on you.
• My knowing that my 9 month old wasn’t ready to be left with babysitter, even though everyone around me, including my wonderful husband, thought it was ridiculous for me not to attend his brother’s wedding because my baby wasn’t invited.
• Your feeling that mainstream school is damaging your child, even though ‘everyone does it’ and ‘he needs to learn to live in the real world’ (whatever that is.)
• Your whole body rebelling and aching as you try it ‘crying-it-out.’
• The part of you that deeply resonates with and recognizes truth, when you read about respectful, trusting of children, peaceful parenting approaches.

​So how do you know if what you’re feeling stems from your instincts or your conditioning?

I have no simple answer for this. I’ve found it to be a process of discovery that’s involved a lot of inner work, a lot of clearing of conditioning, but mostly a lot of learning to value and trust my own voice and feelings.

But here are a few tips for you that might help:

For me, I often know what’s true because I feel it in my solar plexus. Or it may be a feeling that ‘it feels right in my bones.’ What’s often referred to as ‘the still quiet voice deep inside us.’

I also often experience a sense of relaxation, a grounding, and/or a quieting of my mind when something feels right. And this doesn’t mean that it feels good or is what I’d prefer in the moment, but there’s a feeling of ‘yes, this is the truth of this.’ Like deciding to skip a dear friend’s wedding because of how it’d impact your family, even though you really wanted to go. Choosing not to go back to work after your baby’s born, even though you’re worried about the financial impact of your decision. Pulling your child out of school or daycare, even though it will greatly complicate your life and will affect your ability to work.

(Note that I’m not saying those are things you should do. They are just examples of options which might feel true and right for some moms even though they don’t necessarily feel good.)

In contrast, something that comes from my conditioning often has me choosing it out of the fear of the consequence, or from a belief that I’m bad or wrong if I don’t take that action. It also often has more to do with what others have told me, beliefs I’ve developed about myself through others’ influence. It’s fear based. A sense of agitation. The energy is more in my head, in my thinking, rather than a knowing in my body. It’s a rational belief, one that could easily shift with new information.

Another perspective on this was presented to me by the wonderful long term editor of Mothering Magazine, Peggy O’Mara. In an editorial in the 90’s (which I so wish I could find again!) she recommended that we choose to parent out of love instead of out of fear. This idea always stayed with me, and can sometimes be used to determine if what you’re feeling is true guidance or just fear based.
 

WHAT SOCIETY TELLS YOU

One challenge to following our instincts in parenting is that what they guide us to do is often in direct opposition to what most parents around us do and professionals recommend.

Here are some examples of comments I read frequently in peaceful parenting and Continuum Concept Facebook groups, where moms are doubting their instincts:
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• My parents say my 18 month old is old enough to stay with them overnight. Am I overprotective by not feeling comfortable doing so?
• My pediatrician says I need to let my baby cry-it-out so he can learn to self-soother and we can both get a better night’s sleep. Am I weak for not being able to do it?
• Everyone tells me I should wean my 15 month old, even though it’s such a big part of our lives and it’s going so well for us! Am I making him overly dependent on me?
• People tell me my 3 year old will never sleep on his own if I don’t force him to move out of our bed.
• I keep hearing that my child will be a spoiled brat if I don’t use time-out’s, consequences and punishments to teach him correct behaviors, but they don’t feel right to me.

​It’s so upsetting to me that these outstanding moms, so connected to their children, respectful of them and beautifully meeting their connection needs are shamed and misinformed into ignoring their wise inner guidance!

(And for the record, all 3 of my daughters now sleep through the night, in their own bed, are weaned, and are comfortable doing sleepovers. ☺ They also function well in society, did well in school and have great social skills, all without ever being punished or pushed into doing anything they weren’t ready for.)

One thing that’s sorely missing in our society is the organic learning about parenting that we got from most of humanity through living closely in tribes or close knit communities.

And unfortunately, in recent history, parenting practices have mostly gotten very far away from what humans truly need in order to develop optimally, sometimes through flawed logic, sometimes through a misguided strategy to prevent a problem, sometimes so companies can make profit and many times for the convenience of parents

I think it’s critical for most parents to have access to more experienced ones who share your values, to have a sense of what’s normal and healthy in children. I highly recommend that you hold back from asking advice (or listening to unsolicited ones) from people whose values you don’t share, and find some people you really trust to use as reference. In the world of Facebook, this means never asking questions or taking advice in groups that don’t share your values, and finding at least one that really shares yours to turn to.
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YOUR INNER GUIDANCE

Though they’re closely related, I think of our instincts and our inner guidance as two separate things.

Our parenting instincts are what all mammals are born with, and which guide us in properly caring for our babies, and in protecting ourselves and our families.

Our inner guidance (or inner knowing) is the place in us that knows what’s right because it all at once takes into account every aspect of a situation to determine the best course of action.

My goal when I work with parents is to support them in getting to a place where parenting feels easy, and their life with their children is harmonious, joyful, and they all feel connected.

This happens through supporting them in connecting with their inner guidance so they can consistently parent positively and in alignment with their values AND in a way that works for the uniqueness of their family and each family member.
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It usually requires becoming aware of and shedding their conditioning, and creating new pathways to parent from a place of knowing their children are innately good, being on the same team and stepping into their role as the leader of the family.​

When you have a nagging feeling that’s something’s off, it might be because there’s something you’re not consciously aware of but that your being remembers and is letting you know about.

How often have you said “I knew I should have done that!” but you instead let a rational argument or someone’s opinion lead you in a different direction? How often have you had a gut feeling, not followed it, and later regretted it?

Start practicing tuning in to and following those gut feelings, and see what happens.
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THE CHALLENGE WHEN CHILDREN GET OLDER

Through my work, I often talk with women who had relative ease in connecting with and following their instincts when their child was a baby, but find it increasingly hard as their baby turns into a toddler or a preschooler.

As I experienced a lot with my first child, they often have a sense of what feels wrong, like punishing or hitting a child, or yelling at them, but don’t know what to do instead (this is the main reason parents contact me and choose to do one of my parenting programs.)

They unfortunately lack the modeling and the experience (since most were parented very differently) of effective peaceful parenting to know what to do.

This is the time when it’s critical to learn to connect to your own parenting voice so you can keep parenting in alignment with your values and living out the beautiful promise of peaceful parenting instead of disconnecting from your instincts and gradually parenting in a more and more mainstream way.

The most valuable investment you can possibly make for your family is to get the support you need to achieve this, if you’re not able to get there on your own.​

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​(GET MY E-BOOK for loads of information and guidance to support you in finding your own parenting voice and truth.
Click on the image for more info and to purchase.)

​The principles I teach in my 2 parenting programs apply to children of all ages, and most also apply to all close relationships. I’ve had a number of moms report wonderful improvement in their marriage while doing my Clean Parenting™ Program, because many of the concepts (like being on the same team, seeing everyone as innately good, creatively looking for win-win’s so everyone’s needs can be met (including yours!!), setting healthy boundaries, focusing on meeting needs and identifying underlying issues instead of reacting to situations) are deeply valuable to any relationship and what we organically would do if we were grounded in a place of compassion and care for everyone involved.

If you resonate with my perspective and would like my support in accessing your inner guidance, clearing your conditioning and finding your unique way to parenting peacefully and effectively, check out my Clean Parenting™ Program page. If you answer 'yes!' to the 11 questions in the section 'This program will work for you if...' and all you read speaks to you, email me. We'll set up a time to chat so we can connect and make sure the program’s right for you.

In my experience, the most powerful help you can get is to clear the way to accessing your own voice, and to provide you support in connecting to the place in you that actually knows how to parent. (You know, those days, when you’re feeling great, are connected to your child and when something comes up, you just somehow know how to handle it positively?) I’d love to do that with you if you’re interested!
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I’M SO GRATEFUL TO THE YOUNG ME!

I am so grateful to the young mom I was 24 years ago who had the courage to trust her instincts, ignore all the naysayers who predicted pretty awful things for her beloved children, and committed herself to learning to and to parent in full alignment with them.

It took me about five years of intense study to get there, but it then led to a life with my daughters that was relatively easy, was joyful and harmonious, and to now adults who are successful in the ways that matter to them, and so well adjusted!

We’ve all reaped the benefits of the commitment I made to myself and to them when Cassandra was just a baby.

Lots of love,

​Want my support in connecting to and consistently parenting from your inner guidance?

Then join me in my next Clean Parenting group!
​

SUGGESTIONS: If you liked this article, you may also enjoy:

• Would You Like This for Your Children? One Family's Results of Natural Parenting
• I Call It Clean Parenting: An Instinctual and Evolutionary Approach to Parenting
  
• Why It's Critical That You Trust Your Children
  
• The #1 Question to Ask When Your Child 'Misbehaves'
• Could Your Struggle Just Be Caused By An Unrealistic Expectation? 
• The Key to Well-Behaved Children Who Listen to You, While Fully Respecting Them

​I recently presented a webinar titled Your Clear Pathway: 7 Keys to Becoming a Peaceful Parent, in which I described what I found, after working with hundreds of parents, to be seven keys to being able to successfully and consistently parent peacefully.

(I’ll be offering this webinar again on Sunday January 21st. Click here to reserve your spot in it and if you want to find out what the other 6 keys are.)
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​And I want to talk to you today about one of them, which is to FULLY COMMIT YOURSELF TO PEACEFUL PARENTING.

But before diving into it, we need to talk about a condition that’s critical in order for you to be able to fully commit yourself.

And that’s to BELIEVE that it IS possible to consistently parent peacefully AND to experience ease and harmony in your family.

If you don’t believe that, you’re unlikely to be willing to make that commitment.

Why would you commit yourself to something you don’t fully believe in?

And why would you commit yourself to something that you don’t fully trust will lead to you delightful results?

This is why I write and talk a lot about what IS possible.​

It’s not to brag or make it seem like I’m better than others.

In fact, the reason I know this parenting approach is so effective and powerful is BECAUSE of all the ways I’ve fallen short of my ideals and BECAUSE of all the ways I’m NOT a great mom, and yet it still worked so beautifully for me!

(You can read some of my confessions around that here.)

So part of the work for you, if you want to consistently parent peacefully, is to get yourself to that place of fully believing that it’s possible.
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​And if you need help in this, here are 8 suggestions:

1. Of course you can keep following me and reading and listening to what I share ☺ (click here to follow my Facebook page and here to get on my email list or buy my book.)
2. Read supporting books (click here to read my recommended list.)
3. Follow inspirational blogs
4. Surround yourself with people who also believe in it, maybe people who have more experience in it, or who have older children (moms I know have made like-minded friends through La Leche League, babywearing groups, attachment and peaceful parenting groups, homeschooling and unschooling groups, etc)
5. If you’re active on Facebook, join peaceful parenting groups and ONLY post parenting questions in those groups!
6. Stay away from groups and in general from people who will lead you to start questioning yourself. UNTIL you’ve solidly found your peaceful parenting footing. I’m not necessarily saying to end relationships, but just to stay away as much as possible from naysayers until you’re confident in your approach. 
7. Also, just pay attention when you read or hear things that resonate with you. It’s very likely that if you’re reading this article, something in you KNOWS that it’s possible to have ease and harmony with children. Trust that. This is your voice of truth, your guidance system.
8. You can also join one of my programs. It’s so heartwarming for me to see how enthusiastic and positive many moms feel once they find themselves in a group as committed as them AND as they really start seeing results in their families as a result of the program!

​
And here are 3 articles I wrote which speak of my experience in my family and the ease that is possible:
​

• Is This Really Possible?!? One Family's Experience of Natural Parenting
• The Continuum Concept - It Works!!!
• Parenting Can Be Easy?!?  

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​If you don’t fully believe that it’s possible, then it will be really hard to remain committed to peaceful parenting, and that commitment is KEY in consistently becoming a peaceful parent.

Have you had situations in your life where you’ve TRIED to do something? Maybe you’ve TRIED to eat healthy? TRIED to exercise regularly? TRIED to stop criticizing people?

And how did that work for you?

How easy was it for you to give in to that piece of chocolate cake or burger when you were TRYING to eat healthy?

How easy was it to decide to read a book, watch TV, or go do something more fun instead of working out when you were TRYING to exercise regularly?

Contrast that with a time when you’ve committed yourself to something. Where the alternative was not an option.

How different was that experience?

And can you tell how different the energy feels in your body?

THIS energy of full commitment is what you need to become a peaceful parent.
 
If you’re fully committed to peaceful parenting, it doesn’t mean you’ll never falter. Not at all! But it does mean that when it happens, instead of giving up, you’ll go to work figuring out what you could have done differently, and what you still need to learn so it doesn’t keep happening.

But if you’re not fully committed, as soon as things aren’t quite working out it will be easy to switch to a more mainstream response to your children’s behaviors or feelings.

You’ll likely be easily swayed by others’ criticisms or different beliefs and it’ll be easy to think ‘oh I tried and it didn’t work out. I was right to doubt it.’

But it won’t be because it’s not possible that it didn’t work out.

It’s going to be either because it takes some time to really embody it, or it could also be because you did it in a half ass way, so weren’t fully grounded in it.

Does that make sense?

As far as finding that place of commitment within you, I’m honestly not really sure how to do it, because in my life, all the significant commitments I’ve made have arisen organically, and I’ve not been able to conjure them at will.

BUT I do know that total commitment to a goal, as I did when I committed myself to my girls never feeling unloved and unworthy the way I did, is what’s allowed me to achieve things in my life that everyone told me where impossible.

One thing that I do know helps, from working with lots of moms, is surrounding yourself with other parents who have the same values as you do, and are committed to peaceful parenting, and maybe a bit more experienced and skilled than you are, so you can learn from them and see what it looks like in real life!

And if you really resonate with my work and my perspective and are ready to fully commit yourself and take action to become a peaceful parent NOW, I’d seriously consider signing up for one of my highly effective programs.

This will not only bring you a step-by-step map to get there, the support and the like-minded tribe that I talked about, but since you will experience some serious positive shifts in your family quickly, it will go a long way, if you’re not already there, to fully believing that it’s possible to parent peacefully and have ease and harmony in your family, and to inspire you to fully commit yourself to it.

So… are you? Fully committed to peaceful parenting? And if not, what’s in your way of doing so?

And if you are fully committed, are you consistently living it yet? If not, what needs to happen to move you toward it?

Ready to do whatever it takes to successfully and consistently parent peacefully by fall time?

Then join me in my next Clean Parenting™ group!

But I'm asked this question by moms in the context of the focus my work, the aim of which is to:

• raise children who have a healthy sense of self and intact spirits
• help moms successfully parent peacefully and in alignment with their values
• have families experience ease and harmony in their day-to-day lives
• have everyone’s core needs met so that every family member can thrive

What I discuss below is what I believe will give you the best chance of experiencing this in your family.

First of all, I don’t believe there’s an ideal age difference between children. But there are certain CONDITIONS that ideally are in a place before a new sibling is brought into a family.

Insuring that these conditions are met will limit or even eliminate any trauma from being caused to the older child(ren) and allow a relatively smooth transition for the whole family (mom or the primary caregiver in particular.)
​
In general, those conditions are:

• being in a place of being able to meet multiple children's needs along with your own
• being in a place where you successfully parent in alignment with your values most of the time
• your child(ren) being physically and emotionally ready to take care of some of their own needs or wait to get some of their needs met (which in my experience happens somewhere between ages 2 1/2 and 4, frequently later for boys than girls.)

​I told a group of moms I was working with in my Clean Parenting™ Program last year that I really wished all parents who aspire to raise whole children and are committed to peaceful parenting took the time to master it before having a second child.

And was told that by one that she really wished this message had been conveyed to her.

Hence this article for all parents considering adding another child to their family, who might feel the same way. You now have the info. :-)

The reason I feel strongly about parents doing the work before having a second child is that when we only have one child, it can be relatively easy to compensate for small chinks in:
​
  1.  their sense of self (such as sometimes not feeling worthy, feeling that something’s wrong with them, or that they don’t matter)  
  2.  our relationship with them (sometimes not feeling like we’re on their side, feeling welcome, trusted, connected, loved or liked.)

But it becomes much harder when we have two children!
​

​Our focus on a child other than them, our diminished availability, our increased tiredness and often irritability end up increasing the chink in our child’s sense of self and the quality of our relationship with them.

And this often starts a downward spiral of the child acting out their discomfort, the parent enjoying them less and being more irritated with them, the child’s sense of self and quality of the parent’s relationships with them diminishing, the child acting out even more as a result of that, and on and on…

This is one reason why the vast majority of the people who work with me do so because of issues with their oldest child (stay tuned for an article on this, describing my pretty extensive theory on this subject. You can sign up for my email list here.)

In detail, here’s what I tell moms I’d love for them to be experiencing before having a second child:

• You are consistently parenting as though your child is innately good
• You react to every negative reaction by wondering what the root cause of it is, and addressing that.
• You are on the same team, and live as that.
• You’re firmly established as a benevolent leader, and your child easily listens to you. And if he doesn’t, you know there’s a reason for it, and you address that cause.
• Your child’s core needs are met.
• Most of your own needs are met.
• You address seeming conflicts by looking for win-win’s, and usually find them.
• Your life is set up in a way that all of you can thrive.

(See the list of recommended articles below for more on most of these topics.)

You’ll find that if you’ve achieved that, parenting your second child with likely be effortless.

You’ll experience what I call unconscious parenting (in the most positive of ways!) because you’ll know what you’re doing, will be tapped in to your instincts and won’t be in your head trying to think through everything like you did with your first.

And it’s very likely that your oldest child’s adjustment to a new sibling will be pretty smooth (though you can still expect some reactions and backsliding during the adaptation period.)

So if at all possible, do whatever it takes to get to the place I described for you!

It can be HARD WORK to get there, but it absolutely IS attainable and it’s so worth it!!

(You can check out the following articles for more on this: Is This Really Possible?!? One Family's Experience of Natural Parenting and Parenting Can Be Easy?!?)

And if you can’t get there on your own AND are committed to parenting peacefully and raising whole children, please get support (and ideally before having more children.)

I offer 2 effective parenting programs to support you in this: my Quick Start Program and my intensive and life transforming Clean Parenting™ Program. If you’re not clear on which is best suited for you, email me and I’ll help you determine it.

An interesting result of the Clean Parenting™ one (and unexpected to me!) is moms of one, who didn’t feel ready for or equipped to have a second child when starting it often feel ready and/or confident in their ability to parent 2 by the end of it, just two months later.

I’m coming to end of the program in my current Clean Parenting group, the point where the breakthroughs happen, and where the situations the parents have been working with the whole program finally get resolved.
 
And something’s become crystal clear to me this time around (the 10th time around!)
 
There are many important things we work on throughout the program. Things like:

• Having realistic expectations
• Believing children are innately good
• Being on the same team
• Becoming a clear and benevolent leader
• Differentiating between non-negotiables and preferences
• Learning how to handle each of those
• Identifying the cause of children’s behaviors and the underlying needs beneath them, so those can be addressed
• Expressing ourselves cleanly, respectfully and authentically
• Practicing empathy

​And though things change in families, frequently even dramatically, in the first four weeks of the program, it’s not until the fifth week that the stubborn behavior issues that are often the ones that led parents to sign up for the program get almost magically resolved.
 
And it’s when we get to the point of digging into and implementing two things:

   1. Identifying the core unmet need that the child might have and working on meeting it.
 
   2. Making sure that all the interactions with the child come from a place of knowing the child is innately good, and being on his team.
 
Though these are often intimately connected, we still come at them from a different angle.
 
Let me say a bit more about each of them.

 
IDENTIFYING THE CORE NEED AND MEETING IT:
 
One premise to my work is that all ‘misbehavior’ is a symptom of an unmet need, and that it’s our job as a parents to identify that need and either meet it or support the child in meeting it, or at least take it into account in how we handle the child’s behavior.
 
It’s important to realize that this need can’t always be met right in the moment.
 
Examples of this are:
 

• A tired toddler gets frustrated or angry at the dinner table and throws his dish on the floor. But you want to finish mealtime before taking him to bed.
• A child hits her baby sister because she no longer feels that she matters, but she not in a place where you can have with her the conversation that will help her access and process her hurt and sad feelings.
• A child refuses to leave his friend’s house because his social needs aren’t sufficiently met in his life.

So all you can do in the moment is empathize, handle the situation as best you can, and plan on figuring out how to meet the child’s need later on.
 
But to get the results I described earlier, we take this a step deeper and ask ourselves, for each child, what is a core need that isn’t met in his life?
 
And I’m talking about core needs on the level of FEELING loved, liked, welcome, enjoyed, that they matter, etc.
 
Once we identify that need, we go to work on figuring out how to meet that need for a child. In my program, because we’ve laid a strong foundation through working on all the elements I listed above, it’s relatively easy to do, once we pointedly focus on this.
 
(Click here for an audio on this topic.)
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HAVING ALL INTERACTIONS COME FROM A PLACE OF BEING ON THE SAME TEAM AND KNOWING THE CHILD IS INNATELY GOOD
 
If a child is treated as though he’s bad, wrong, or needs to be fixed, he won’t feel good about himself, and therefore won’t be able to be his best self.
 
If he doesn’t feel his caregiver is on his side, he won’t feel like cooperating because he’ll see the other, rightly so, as an adversary.
 
And this is true even if the mom is doing and saying the ‘right’ things but not really feeling them, just going through the motions.
 
Think about this for yourself. How do you act around someone who you don’t feel trusts you, is looking for you to mess up, isn’t concerned about the quality of your experience in the moment, and just wants you to behave a certain way? And how do you act when you feel seen, valued, trusted, connected to the person you’re with, and that they really care about your experience?
 
Though this one is pretty self-explanatory, it can take work as well as a certain level of proficiency in handling situations and setting limits peacefully, to be able to put it into practice.
 
Some of the strategies we use to shift to a place of consistently seeing children as innately good and being on their team are:
 

• Remembering that all ‘misbehaviors’ are a call for help or an expression of an unmet need, and committing to helping the child and meeting his needs instead of primarily focusing on controlling behavior. And making sure to come from this perspective whenever addressing a challenging behavior.
• Before addressing a behavior, taking a moment to look into the child’s eyes to see her and connect with her. Or connecting with the love for her in one’s heart.
• Putting oneself into the child’s shoes and looking at the situation from their perspective. Asking what might going on inside of him that’s causing him to behave this way.
• Reading the book The Continuum Concept or watching the interview of Jean Liedloff, its author, which powerfully make the point that children are innately good and that challenging behaviors that they exhibit are caused by their circumstances and are not their fault.
• Doing some inner work to clear the negative feelings that get activated by the children.

​It’s been heartwarming to hear of the changes in children once the moms’ focuses changed. No longer hitting siblings. Being able to name feelings and stop behaviors midway. Becoming more affectionate. Opening up to moms. 

​And hearing from the moms that they’re finally starting to get what I mean when I say that parenting CAN be easy.
​

​FOR HELP ON PARENTING in the way I describe in this article, request my FREE REPORT: 

The Almost Magical Formula for surprising EASE and HARMONY in your family while fully honoring your children’s spirits.
​

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SUGGESTIONS: If you liked this article, you'll likely also enjoy:

• The Key to Well-Behaved Children Who Listen to You, While Fully Respecting Them
• Does your child feel that you're on his team?
• The #1 Question to Ask When Your Child 'Misbehaves'
• Why It's Critical That You Trust Your Children
• How do I stop myself midway when I'm triggered?
• Do You Believe Your Children Want to Do the Right Thing?

Peaceful parenting that works, heals, and changes the world.

​ Here are the questions I was asked during the interview:
​

1. As a coach who teaches parenting for wholeness, you discuss the idea of identifying the needs under negative behaviour and figuring out how to meet those needs. Could you please discuss this with us?
2. You recommend parents take the role of being the clear leader, keeping the mindset that children are innately good. Could you please discuss this?
3. You use a lovely phrase "empathy is like magic". What is the role of empathy in parenting for wholeness?
4. One of your main messages is that it’s possible to have ease and harmony in families. What would your top tips be for parents of exceptional children, so they can move toward having that ease and harmony in their families?
5. You also discuss how important it is for parents to understand and meet their own needs. Why is this so important, and how do help parents achieve this?

​
FOR HELP IN PARENTING in the way I describe in the interview, request my FREE REPORT: 

The Almost Magical Formula for surprising EASE and HARMONY in your family while fully honoring your children’s spirits.
​

A different version of this article was originally published in La Leche League’s New Beginnings in 2001 under the title When Dad Disagrees.

​Are you pouring your heart and soul into being the absolute best mom you can possibly be?
 
Doing everything you can to embody peaceful parenting, determined that your children’s needs and spirits be lovingly attended to?
 
And are you then sometimes met with resistance by your husband who thinks the way most children are parented is ‘just fine’?
 
And who thinks something you’re doing must not be right because your children don’t just obey you or sleep through the night like others do?
 
This is the case for many moms I talk to. And I happen to have written my very first article on this topic, a lifetime ago when I was still a young mom, for La Leche League’s New Beginnings magazine.
 
So I decided to edit it (it was pretty rough!) and re-publish it on my own website, with LLL’s permission, so I can share it with you.


My husband and I had many disagreements when it came to children's issues, but I am pleased to say that over time, we developed a philosophy of parenting we completely agreed on.
 
I want to share with you some of the tips that have helped me get there (and that have now also helped many other mothers) in the hopes that they may also help you find your way to parenting on the same page as your partner.
​
 
I HAD TO FIND A WAY!
 
Once I became a mom and started learning about natural parenting, I knew this was the only way I was willing parent.
 
It wasn’t an option for me to do anything that didn’t feel right to me.
 
And it wasn’t an option to have my daughters grow up with any of the issues I was plagued by, as the result of the way I myself was parented.
 
So I knew I had to find a way to get my husband on board.
 
And this was at least a decade before I started learning any relationship skills, or even had an inkling that my feelings and preferences actually mattered, so I had to get very creative in it.

Here are some strategies and insights I used that really helped my hubby and I get on the same page as parents:

 
  1.  PARENTING MISSION STATEMENT
 
To begin with, we created a mission statement for our parenting. This exercise was powerful in helping us achieve clarity on what we most wanted for our only child at the time.
It says:
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"We will nurture our children with loving guidance, encouraging them to follow their bliss, and helping them develop spiritual awareness, self esteem, self confidence, and empathy."
​

We printed our Mission Statement, and it lived on our refrigerator door.
 
So if we found ourselves disagreeing on how to handle a situation with our girls (or I should say with Cassandra, since it’s so much more work with the first one!) we would refer to our mission statement.
 
We would then think about how each option fit in with our goals for our children.
 
For example, if we were thinking about whether or not to put our child in time-out, we would realize that it didn’t fit our mission statement because imposing negative consequences is not lovingly guiding children or empathetic, and doesn't foster self-esteem or encourage them following their bliss.
 
Another example would be if we were trying to decide whether we should make our daughter wear a special outfit for a party.
 
Our mission statement doesn't mention wanting our children to conform to the social norms. We agreed that we wanted them to develop self-confidence, which is encouraged by letting children make as many decisions as possible for themselves—including decisions about clothes.
 
Having a mission statement we both agreed on provided an objective resource which helped cut through the feelings and resistance that could get activated in those conversations.


  2.  PRESENTING NEW IDEAS

At some blessed point, I discovered a way to present new ideas to Mike that provided the space for him to listen with an open mind.
 
I would first mention the new idea I had heard or thought about.
 
And then… I would say NOTHING.
 
If he wanted more information, he would ask for it. Otherwise, it'd be the end of the conversation.
 
I found that if I asked him what he thought right away, he tended to look for arguments against the idea.
 
But if I waited until the following day, week or month to ask his opinion, he had often already agreed with me because he had time to think about it in a non-threatening, relaxed way.
 
And if he wasn’t yet in agreement, he was at least more open to discussing the idea, without being defensive, so we could have a more open-minded conversation.
 
As my daughters grew, I've found that this approach works well with them as well. :-)

 
  3.  PICK YOUR MOMENT
 
Please.
 
DO NOT share your new idea with your hubby the second he walks in the door, exhausted from a long week at work, while the children are jumping on him for attention!
 
This will make it very unlikely he’ll be excited about it.
 
Pick your moment when engaging in serious or potentially conflictual conversations! Do it on a laid-back weekend morning, or on a long car drive while the children have dozed off.
 
Engaging in those conversations when your partner is tired, on the way out the door, or preoccupied by something greatly diminishes the likelihood that he’ll be open to what you have to say.
​
 
  4.  IT’S MY JOB!
 
At times my husband didn’t understand why I was so focused on ‘figuring out’ parenting (one could arguably call it obsessed!) and so attached to our daughters.
 
It helped him relate to my situation when I compared it to his job.
 
He read the newspaper to keep up-to-date on the latest information, read books and magazines related to his field, frequently talked about various work issues with his co-workers, and still sometimes thought about his job when he was home with us.
 
I read parenting and self-help books, discussed ideas with trusted friends, and attended La Leche League and other parenting related meetings and conferences for similar reasons.
 
Parenting was my full-time career and I spent most of my time and energy on it because I loved it and found it worthwhile, the same way he did about his work.

And because parenting was my full-time job, I had many opportunities to be exposed to new ideas, which he didn’t. 

  5.  ‘ALTERNATIVE’ PARENTING
 
Sometimes, Mike would talk about ways his co-workers were handling situations with their children differently than us, which seemed more ‘normal.’
 
I’d remind him first that those people didn’t live with us and our children and that we were best equipped to make decisions regarding what was best for our family.
 
And that many times people follow a mainstream approach to parenting because it’s what everyone else is doing, and it doesn’t really occur to them to question it.
 
But that good enough was just not good enough for our family.
 
His co-workers may not have unfortunately been thinking about their children’s emotional well-being, but that was very important to us.
 
They also probably thought that many children's behaviors in our society are normal instead of caused by parenting practices, such as babies crying, children not listening to their parents and being disrespectful, needing punishments or rewards to cooperate, adversarial relationships between parents and children, siblings fighting, not being able to go to nice public places with children, difficulty traveling with children, teenage rebellion, etc.
 
But as we learned in The Continuum Concept and came to know ourselves, those things may be the norm in our society, but they’re not normal for humans.
 
I also reminded him a few times that I’m actually a pretty smart and astute person (wasn’t that part of why he married me?) and that chances are I knew what I was talking about?

And that I also truly did want what was best for our children, just as he did.
 
And THAT was the reason I wouldn’t accept other people's or society’s ideas at face value.
​

 FUN STORY
 
As Mike became more on board with our alternative way of parenting, he started realizing some of the benefits of it.
 
At some point a few of his employees had babies at the same time as us. The men would often come in to work exhausted, complaining about lack of sleep from being woken up by babies at night, taking care of them to give their wives a break, having taken over some of the feedings.
 
Mike would just grin as he’d tell them “I’m not tired at all, I NEVER wake up at night!” Audrey’s needs were fully met through me breastfeeding her, and since she was in bed with us, there was never a need for Mike to wake up.
 
He was a big proponent of our alternative lifestyle then! :-)

 
  6.  DEVELOPING YOUR EFFECTIVE PARENTING SKILLS
 
One more thing.

Since originally writing this article for New Beginnings 15 years ago, I’ve talked with and worked with thousands of people.
 
And one thing I’ve come to realize is that dads often have a hard time getting on board with peaceful parenting because many peaceful families end up being chaotic, with children not really listening to their parents and often acting out, and moms regularly getting irritated and feeling worn out.
 
So even though those dads might be open to peaceful parenting, they don’t really see it working.
 
And that’s because the moms unfortunately don’t know how to be the benevolent leader their children need, and don’t know how to respectfully yet clearly set limits. (Click here and here for some pointers on this.)
 
So what I now suggest to those moms is to get whatever support they need so their parenting DOES become effective.

(I’ve created here two highly effective programs to provide you with that support: my Quick Start Program and my Clean Parenting™ Program.)
​

When that happens, husbands are much more likely to get on board!
 
And all they then have to do is copy what the mom is doing to lovingly and respectfully guide their children.
 

CONCLUSION

I feel very lucky that I've been able to work things out with Mike, and that consequently I’ve been able to parent my daughters in full alignment with my values.
 
And I want this for you as well.
 
One reason this happened for us was of course because of our shared, sincere commitment to our mission statement.
 
But another big part of it was my steadfastness in finding effective ways to communicate my natural parenting ideals to Mike. And my taking 100% responsibility for making that happen.
 
What can YOU do, today, to move you and your partner toward parenting on the same team?

Let me know in the comments' section. I'd love to hear!

And if you'd like some help in it, check out my Step-By-Step Plan For Getting Your Partner On Board With Peaceful Parenting.

​Lots of love,
​

​To find out more about the parenting approach I used and now teach, which is so effective that it brought my husband fully on board, request my FREE report:
​
The Almost Magical Formula For Surprising Ease and Harmony in Your Family While Fully Honoring Your Children’s Spirits
​


​And for an enjoyable, connecting and effective way to get on the same team as parents, couples have done my Quick Start Program together!
​

​SUGGESTIONS: If you liked this article, you'll likely also enjoy:

• A Step-By-Step Plan for Getting Your Partner On Board with Peaceful Parenting
  
• The Key to Well-Behaved Children Who Listen to You, While Fully Respecting Them
• The Missing Piece In Many Peaceful Parenting Teachings
• Does your child feel that you're on his team?
• Why It's Critical That You Trust Your Children
• How do I stop myself midway when I'm triggered?​

​

 THE PRINCIPLES

There ARE a few principles I consider to be core to Clean Parenting.
 
Each of the principles is designed to bring you back to the way of being I described above, to connect you to yourself, to your children, and to attune yourself to the situation.
 
These core principles, from which ideally all parenting attitudes, actions and responses will arise out of, are:
 

• Children are innately good and cooperative, and our job as parents is learn to tap into that.
• Children are already whole and capable and need to be honored and trusted.
• Clean Parenting happens when we live with our children as though we’re on the same team.
• It’s of critical importance that we identify our children’s unmet needs and find ways to meet them.
• Children need a clear, grounded, benevolent leader to thrive.
• Empathy is the magical solution whenever children are experiencing negative emotions, to help them feel validated and to process those feelings.
• It’s also of critical importance that you honor your own feelings and needs as a parent, and strive to meet those as well.
• Apparent conflicts are handled with a focus on finding win-win solutions, so that everyone’s needs in the family can be met.
• True well-being can only happen in families once we have realistic expectations: of children, of ourselves, of our life, including of the limits of our situation.

 
Though I write and talk about numerous parenting related topics (and have already started writing three different parenting books!) most of what you hear me say can go back to one of the principles above.

 
CLEAN PARENTING IS NOT A TECHNIQUE!
 
Someone recently complained in response to one of my articles that ‘there wasn’t a single how-to in there.’ And yes, she was absolutely right.
 
If what you’re looking for is tips and techniques to handle situations that come up with your children or to change their behavior, Clean Parenting™ is NOT what you’re looking for.
 
Though there may be tips and strategies I offer that are helpful, the reason they are is because they re-align you with the core principles of Clean Parenting.
 
A mom who was registering for my Clean Parenting™ Program last week wanted to get a sense of how I work with the participants. She asked me what I’d respond to a situation she had just experienced, where her son had a meltdown at bedtime.
 
I told her that I generally hate those questions asked outside of the context of one of my programs because there’s rarely a RIGHT way to handle situations.
 
How I would work with her on this situation would be to ask what was going on with her son that he had a meltdown. What needs of his might be unmet. How his life is feeling overall these days. If he’s had any negative experience recently that is still unprocessed. How his relationships with his parents currently is. If she’s consistently being a clear benevolent leader to him.

I also told her that through the program, after I get to know her and her child, I’ll likely have suggestions on how she could handle the situation because I'll then have the full perspective.
 
Clean Parenting is for you if you’re looking for an approach to parenting that will ensure that your children grow up whole and if you want a deeply mutually respectful and cooperative relationship.
 
And once that’s established, problems are rare and are easily resolved.

 
THE PROMISE OF CLEAN PARENTING
 
It can take time to ‘clean up’ our parenting. To unlearn what gets in the way of our connection to our children. To create new pathways of responses to replace our negative conditioning. To reliably live the principles of Clean Parenting. And to unhook our ‘stuff’ from our interactions with our children.
 
(Though you CAN make massive headway toward it in just 2 months through my Clean Parenting Program! Click the link if you’re ready to live what I described.)
 
But once you ARE embodying Clean Parenting, parenting can become so easy that it may no longer even feel like parenting!
 
That was the case for me.
 
I honestly just felt like I was living my life with these 3 younger beings, with whom I interacted from a place of presence. Yes, it was a lot of work when they were little, but the parenting part was often times effortless.
 
Once you know this place in your bones and can readily access it, parenting becomes straightforward and instinctual. You can forget all the concepts you learned because you live connected to the truth of them as it lives in your bones.
 
And as a result, your children feel good about themselves, are happy and cooperative, and grow up feeling whole.
 
Life in your family is easy, harmonious, and joyful.
 
And that, my friend, is an incredible thing.
 
Lots of love,
​