The #1 Question to Ask When Your Child 'Misbehaves'

Éliane Sainte-Marie, founder Parenting For Wholeness

Photo courtesy of Estelle Gaffric - To make sure the US doesn't censor it, my creative daughter Gaby edited it. :-)

There’s one premise we need to be clear on before I divulge that tip. And it’s that children are innately good.

I know you believe this, otherwise you wouldn’t be here.

But it’s one thing to believe it intellectually, and it’s a WHOLE other thing to actually be able to parent from it, moment by moment!

What I’m going to talk about here guides you to parent from that place.

(For a thorough discussion on believing that our children are innately good AND cooperative, request my report 4 Ways to Create Ease With Your Child. It’s the first one.)

The thing is that once you truly know that your child’s innate nature is good, know it in your bones, when they act out, it will be obvious that it comes from a place of something being ‘off.’

So grounded in this knowing, the question you’ll ask yourself is:

"WHY are they behaving this way?"

Not in a "Why in the hell are they doing this?" way, but with genuine curiosity, wanting to really understand what’s going on inside your beloved child.

And then you’ll be able to address THAT. The real cause of the behavior or the situation.

You’ll be able to address the underlying issue instead of just controlling the behavior. Like healing the actual cause of an illness instead of just taking a pill to mask the symptoms.

You’re going to understand that there’s a valid reason they're acting that way and you’ll start the detective work to uncover it.
 
You'll be asking the 'why' question so you can HELP them, not just to correct the behavior or the result of it, or to fix them.

Here are 10 questions you can ask yourself to help you figure out WHY your child is acting the way they are:

✔ What information do they need to shift their behavior of their own choice? “Oh honey, if you pick those flowers we won’t have them to keep our yard beautiful anymore.” “When you pull on the dog’s tail, it hurts him, just like it would hurt you if I was pulling on your ear.”

✔ Are my expectations of them realistic in this situation? Are you expecting an 18 month old to want to sit on a chair for 30 minutes while having dinner, when their whole drive at that age is towards motor development? Are you expecting a 4 year old to let you talk uninterrupted when they don’t have something engrossing to do or haven't had much connection time with you recently? (For an enlightening perspective on children interrupting, listen to this audio.)

✔ Do they have a need that’s not being met and needs to be attended to? Are they tired or hungry, and in need of food or sleep, in order to no longer feel depleted and be able to cope with life? Have they been cooped up in an apartment for two days and in dire need of open spaces and loud running around? Do they have food sensitivities yet have been eating triggering foods?

✔ Do they have an emotion or experience that needs to be processed? Did they throw down their cup because they're feeling frustrated? Did they yell at you because they're feeling overwhelmed by all they have to do to get ready for school? Are they acting out because they feel displaced by their new sibling?

✔ Are they responding to the way people around them are acting or feeling? Have you been feeling rushed and barking out directions at them instead of connecting with them while making your requests? Have you and your spouse been arguing and they're feeling uncomfortable? Have you been especially busy and preoccupied recently?

✔ How can I respond so they truly FEEL that I'm on their team and not an adversary out to talk them out of what they want or feel? Using a kind voice and helping them come up with a positive way to deal with the situations are examples of responses that will make them feel that you’re on their team.

✔ How can I state what's appropriate in this situation while honoring their feeling and need? “I know you get really angry when your little sister breaks your Lego project, but you need to tell her with your words that you’re angry, not by hitting her.” “I know it’s really hard not to pick those pretty flowers. We can pick some of those pretty leaves if you want, or we can go throw the basketball together."

✔ Am I willing to set a clear limit and find a way to positively and consistently enforce it so they take me seriously in the future? For children (especially young children) to learn what they can and can’t do, it needs to be clear and consistently enforced. Generally if you let them do something one time, or occasionally when you’re too tired to enforce the limit and help them find something else to do, they’ll keep doing it. And they'll learn not to believe what you tell them.

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✔ What response will get me the long term result I want? It may seem easier to send a child who's hit his sibling to his room. But the long term effect will be that he won’t be any more prepared to deal with the situation the next time it happens. And you punishing him instead of helping him deal with his feelings will damage his connection to you, which will impact the amount of influence you have on him. (There's so much more that could be said on this subject! I guess I’ll need to write more about this soon. :-) )

✔ How can I address the cause of the behavior instead of the symptom? Your focus really needs to go to the cause of the ‘misbehavior,’ because it’s where the true resolution of it will come from. Dealing only with the behavior is likely to do very little to prevent it from occurring again, will not address the root cause which IS a problem your child is experiencing and needs support in resolving, and is likely to damage your relationship with him.

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(For a convenient CHECKLIST of those questions, which you can post on your fridge for easy access when you really need them, click the button below.)

There are two general guidelines that I recommend you ALWAYS keep in mind, when your child 'acts out:'

    1.  Address the cause of the behavior instead of the symptom, otherwise you’re really not resolving anything.

    2.  Make sure that your response will get you the long term result you want and isn’t just a convenient quick fix which will end up backfiring in the long run.

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FOR HELP ON PARENTING from a place of knowing that you're children are innately good, request my FREE report: The Almost Magical Formula for surprising EASE and HARMONY in your family while fully honoring your children’s spirits.

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• Do You Believe Your Children Want to Do the Right Thing?