The Power of Choice

This is a guest blog article, by my friend Walker Powell.

Walker's son, Jack

I’ve been struggling for a while to balance being a gentle yet firm leader with my son and remaining connected with him at the same time. I find myself teetering between simply telling him what we’re going to do, until he finally fights back, demanding a connection with me, and falling into my old pattern of letting him take the lead. 

Finally, I have found a method that works to achieve that balance. Though it’s not really a method, it’s more of a way of thinking, of being in myself. It’s the conscious awareness of the fact that I am the only one in control of my own choices. Before, even though I was telling myself that I was in charge, I was still blaming my son for my choices. 

I can choose, for instance, to tell him that I need to wash these dishes, and he can either help or he can do something else. But if he gets upset and I respond with anger, the implication is that he is responsible for 

my feelings. Or I can choose to sit down with him and play with his train set, but if I do it grumpily, silently blaming him for being so needy, then I am simply letting him take control of the situation. Is it any wonder, then, that so often in these cases he is unhappy even though I’m playing with him?

The choice I’m making is not whether to do what my son wants or what I want. I can pay attention to him while I’m doing chores and I can equally shut him out entirely while ostensibly playing with him. The choice is both deeper and simpler than that. It’s the weighing of whose needs are more important in this specific situation. Does his need for connection outweigh my need for a clean house? Usually, there is a way to meet both needs. But there are times when he really needs me to lay down with him and nurse for a few minutes, or we need to drop what we’re doing and take a slow walk to the park. I can see this, and I can meet these needs, without losing the stance of leader, if it is my choice to willingly do this with him. I can choose, consciously and happily, to lie in bed and let him nurse for twenty minutes.

A leader, I have found, does not need to be always physically leading in every situation. I don’t need to plan out every moment of our day so that I always have something I need do to. I can let him share in the routine, and make a day that works for both of us. It’s a matter of choosing to put his needs at a level with mine.

The best part is, even if it may seem as though I am getting less of my own stuff done in a day, the truth is that I am far more in control of my day than I was before. I feel empowered to choose to meet my own needs, calmly and without guilt, or to choose to meet his, joyfully and knowing that I am still in charge of the situation. Hopefully, I am also teaching him to take responsibility of his own choices and emotions, and as he gets older, there will be more give and take in our relationship, more flexibility in meeting both of our needs at once. 

Walker Powell lives with her husband and two-year-old son in Colorado, where they enjoy home cooking, taking long walks, and trying to live a simple, balanced life. They believe in the Continuum Concept, Equally Shared Parenting, and living in harmony with the earth. 

Want help becoming a gentle and effective leader in your family? Integrating this is one of the core components of my Clean Parenting Program. This program is for you if you're ready to transform every aspect of your parenting so you can finally live out your parenting ideals of peaceful and effective parenting.