One of the things that can be a big factor in children's behaviors, sense of wellbeing, and responsiveness to parents, is unresolved trauma.
But because the link between the behavior and the trauma isn't obvious, it's easy to overlook the all too common cause of difficulties with children.
Yet realizing it and addressing it is an important piece in being able to raise whole children, and having the ease and harmony I promise you is possible.
We're accustomed to thinking of trauma as dramatic and/or one time events.
But in my work with parents as well as through my own healing journey, I've discovered that many of the traumas that impact our daily lives and ability to lead happy fulfilling lives are not events, but things that we've experienced over time.
And that many of the experiences that leave lasting damage to our sense of self and sense of safety in the world, as well as our ability to trust people, come from incidences that are considered normal in our society.
If your child has experienced some of those because of unavoidable circumstances or decisions you made, please do not see this in any way as criticism or judgement on my part. (I’ve personally done many things that led to my children experiencing trauma and they are living proof that children can thrive in spite of it and that you in no way need to be perfect in order to raise healthy children!)
I’m just providing this information so you can be informed and help your child heal if needed.
Here are some of the most common trauma experiences that the children of moms I work with have experienced:
- Traumatic birth
- Being in the ICU as babies
- Circumcision
- Other medical procedures and hospitalization, at any time, including getting shots or being forced to see a professional alone, if they don't feel comfortable with it.
- Mom going back to work, if not left with a caregiver they have a secure attachment to and are comfortable being with without the presence of mom
- Sleep training
- Spending time away from their primary caregiver before they're ready - like being left with a sitter, going for an overnight at grandma's, or going for visitations at dad's if parents are separated
- Being put in pre-schools or daycares before they're ready, or in environment that aren't respectful and attuned to their needs
- Birth of a new child
But here are also less obvious traumas that can have just as much impact on the child:
- Feeling that their parents love and like their sibling more than they like or love them
- Parents regularly trying to control their behaviors instead of providing support in challenging situations
- Having their feelings and desires ignored or being talked out of them, instead of being heard with empathy
- Spending time in situations where their needs aren't met or they aren't treated respectfully - even if they enjoy them!
- Feeling their caregivers as adversaries, instead of truly feeling, moment to moment, that they're on their side.
- Not being truly seen and treated as a person
- A fight with a friend
- Not being as popular as other children
This might be a upsetting and even scary to read, but it doesn't have to be.
First of all, certain conditions can be changed, once you realize they have a negative impact on your child. (And if you're not able to change them on your own, I'm here to help.)
Also, it is possible and often times even easy to release trauma when the conducive space for it is provided.
You can help your child by allowing him to fully feel the unprocessed part of the trauma, providing loving presence and space, understanding, and apologies if needed.
Here's an example of Kim beautifully supporting her daughter in releasing trauma, which she posted in our Clean Parenting group, and allowed me to share with you:
Mateya (8 years old,) was upset because she felt her friend was being mean to her. She was venting to me and normally I would have tried to talk her out of her feelings so as to move the play date back into a positive one. Instead, I observed her and realized she was feeling insecure and needing physical reassurance rather than verbal. She needed me to empathize with her! I sat on the couch and she sat next to me and at first I just put my arm around her while she was telling me everything she was feeling. I kept wanting to refute what she was saying especially as it was escalating into how she felt her friend was better than her and that she wasn't good at anything she tried, etc. My heart was breaking at her words and as my mind was going to that place of ‘what have I done to make my child feel like a failure,’ I stopped myself and reminded myself that this wasn't about me and she had a right to her feelings even if they weren't entirely true. So, I pulled her on my lap and held her like a baby while rocking back and forth with her. I let her spill it all out while I rocked and whispered love to her and kissed her forehead. She relaxed into me and let the tears come and fall while she spoke of her feelings of inadequacy, fear about the future of the world and frustration at being unable to do the things she wanted perfectly and for the world. My sweet sensitive soul, Mateya! Soon she got it all out and jumped up to "go see where all the other kids were". She spent the rest of the day playing happily with her friend. I felt I had experienced my ability to give real empathy without trying to fix anything or try to make it better. Such an empowering feeling and I'm so very glad to have been able to give that gift to my daughter.
Practicing empathy and holding loving presence can go a long way toward supporting children in releasing trauma.
For most of the families I work with, as we integrate parenting from a place of knowing children are innately good, being on the same team, seeing unwanted behaviors as calls for support, meeting needs, developing crystal clear communication, empathy, benevolent leadership, authenticity, and create a life that works for the whole family and meets everyone's needs, the child's unwanted behavior either disappear or because easy to address, a close loving connected is re-established, and most little traumas are resolved.
For a detailed discussion of Clean Parenting, request my FREE report
The Almost Magical Formula For Surprising Ease and Harmony in Your Family While
Fully Honoring Your Children’s Spirits.
It describes the four principles which when used together, truly lead to astounding ease and harmony in families.
The Almost Magical Formula For Surprising Ease and Harmony in Your Family While
Fully Honoring Your Children’s Spirits.
It describes the four principles which when used together, truly lead to astounding ease and harmony in families.
But for a few children, I know that they need deeper support in addressing the trauma.
And until the trauma is released, they won't be able to be their best selves, will keep suffering, and life for the family will keep being challenging.
And no amount of behavior modification tactics or good parenting will resolve the source of their problem.
I hope you've found this information helpful.
If you'd like my support in your parenting and aren't sure which of my programs is best for you or want to make sure they are the right fit for you, pm me here or email me at Eliane@ParentingForWholeness.com to set up a time to chat.
I'd love to help you if you and I are a good fit for working together! ♥
Lots of love,
RELATED RESOURCES:
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For my personal support in integrating the skills discussed in this article, check out my life changing Clean Parenting program.
I'd LOVE to work with you if you found it to be a fit for you! ♥ Just email me at Eliane@ParentingForWholeness.com to set up a time to chat to determine if this program is right for you, and if you too can expect the kinds of results described in the testimonial below as well as the many more from the program page. |
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Here's what Erin Reindl, a child and family therapist from Denver, USA, wrote after completing my Clean Parenting program:
“My kids used to have big feelings almost daily, certainly at least weekly. This has changed immensely. My being matter of fact and holding out positive expectation and being a leader has shifted this. My kids TALK to me and with each other during challenging times, things that used to explode don't anymore...we breeze through them calmly. My life doesn't revolve around my kids unless I decide I want it to at any given moment. My kids respect my time and space and they play well on their own. I feel much more relaxed around things that caused me stress before.
This class should be taught to everyone - instead of birthing classes. It should be taught in schools.”
