What Is Family Homeostasis? (And why it's important for you to know)

By Eliane, Parenting for Wholeness founder
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I had a huge aha! moment yesterday when hearing a health coach talk about the goal of her work being to bring us back to HOMEOSTASIS.

Because I realized that's what I do for families!!!!

And achieving this state is my heartfelt wish for all families!

I just didn't yet have the words for it (thank you so much Jeanne Rubin!)

In my writing and in my programs, I repeat over and over that:
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• parenting can be easy (you can read about it here and here) 
• I talk about the importance of working on your parenting foundation
• I talk about the problems with focusing on behaviors
• I talk about the importance of focusing on meeting needs
• The importance of looking for the unmet needs underneath the undesirable behaviors, and focusing on meeting those instead over focusing on addressing the behaviors
• I talk about how, many times, even though you've uncovered the unmet need underneath the specific behavior happening in the moment, it's still not the true cause of the issue. And that you need to dig deeper, to become aware of and address core unmet needs in your child's life, and to repair damage that's occurred to their sense of self, their sense of safety, and/or your relationship.

All of this is to support you in reaching what I'm today starting to call FAMILY HOMEOSTASIS.

Moms consistently reach it through my program, and they know the MOMENT they achieve it. 

Because it's almost palpable. 

There's a quality of ease, flow, connection and presence to it that can't be put into words.

(I've written about it at length in my recent article Presence and Authenticity with Children, published in Heartfulness Magazine.)

Often times, they doubt it when they first experience it, in part because it feels too good to be true, and in part because it often disappears once they start focusing on it, and getting back into their heads instead of remaining in their hearts and in their bodies.

But as they progress through the program, and firmly integrate all the principles I teach, that state becomes more and more common in their lives.

It stabilizes and integrates, and because all I teach is designed to connect you to your own guidance and your own answers, for many participants, it only deepens after the program ends, instead of receding.

(Some do need extra support for this state to become permanent, either on the parenting or on the emotional healing fronts, which I offer as well.)

This doesn't mean that everything is always perfect in the families who have reached homeostasis. 

Not at all. 

Bad days happen. Negative behaviors happen. Parents lose it. 

But it no longer shakes the mom's foundation. 

Because she knows WHAT went wrong, and WHY. And she knows how to address it. 

She knows that perfection is an impossible goal and that she's as deserving of compassion and understanding as her children. That she's also human.

She knows how to make amends and how to support her children in fully processing the painful experience. 

And she trusts in the solidity of her children's sense of self and in their relationship, and therefore knows that whatever happened won't permanently affect them.

​My beloved clean parenting and healing coach trainee, Kristen Phillips, wrote the following after reading a draft of this article:

"Homeostasis is such a comforting concept for me to keep in mind throughout my day with my two sons. Realizing that homeostasis is the goal, not perfection, takes the pressure off.  It makes me feel like ups and downs are to be expected, not to be feared or resisted. I used to stress about situations that happened that didn’t go they way I’d hoped, or if things felt off with one of my boys. But now, I just remind myself that the goal is homeostasis, and that I know how to get us back there. I just take some time to sink into my body and empathize with myself and my boys. It's easy to see where things are off, what needs aren’t being met. 

Life is a constant journey of changes and fine tuning, and now I feel comfortable rolling with that instead of pressuring myself to keep everything perfect in this imperfect world."

Achieving this state is the reason I say I didn't feel like I was parenting my children, but that we were living our lives together. 

Of course I was busy, and saw it as my role to meet their needs! 

But there was an effortless quality to our relationships (with occasional bumps) that doesn't fit with what most people believe parenting is.
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And though I know this might be hard to believe, my children extremely rarely fought, even though all 3 are strong-willed and tend to be leaders. So this whole big area of parenting multiple children, which is where the energy (physical, mental and emotional) of most parents of multiples is focused on, was non-existent for me.

When your family's in a state of homeostasis, there's resiliency, goodwill, understanding, flexibility, caring for each member, a knowing that the children will be okay, trust that you can handle whatever happens, peace of mind (instead of spending half your day in your head rehashing something that happened and went wrong, or worrying about something children related) and most of all (at least the piece that might most appeals to ​many parents) EASE.

Does all this resonate with you too?

I'm so excited to feel like I've finally put my finger on the heart of my work, and what my goal is for all parents, all children, all families to experience.

I wish, with all my heart, that all families could live the ease, harmony and sense of rightness that is the result of family homeostasis.

So, to your family's!! ♥

And if you need some support in achieving it in your family, email me! I've created a highly effective program to help families get there, and would love to work with you if it resonates with you.

Lots of love,

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For a discussion of 4 of the key principles I work with moms on integrating to achieve family homeostasis, request my FREE report,

The Almost Magical Formula For Surprising Ease and Harmony in Your Family While Fully Honoring Your  Children’s Spirits.

Click Here to Request The Report

And if you want to be living full family homeostasis, like the many parents you can read about on my program page, and want my support in achieving it, email me at [email protected].

I have a new group starting in a few weeks, and would love to support you in getting to a place where you too could share the same experiences as you read about on my Clean Parenting program page.

Here's what one mom wrote to me after completing this program:

“My kids used to have big feelings almost daily, certainly at least weekly. This has changed immensely. My being matter of fact and holding out positive expectation and being a leader has shifted this. My kids TALK to me and with each other during challenging times, things that used to explode don't anymore...we breeze through them calmly. My life doesn't revolve around my kids unless I decide I want it to at any given moment. My kids respect my time and space and they play well on their own. I feel much more relaxed around things that caused me stress before.

This class should be taught to everyone - instead of birthing classes. It should be taught in schools.”

Erin Reindl, Child and Family Therapist, Denver, USA