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A Unique and Often Heartbreaking Path: Breaking Our Family’s Generational Pattern of Dysfunction

11/5/2015

18 Comments

 

​By Eliane Sainte-Marie
​Founder, Parenting For Wholeness
​
Article by Parenting For Wholeness: A Unique and Often Heartbreaking Path: Breaking Our Family’s Generational Pattern of Dysfunction

While talking with Sarah this evening, I was hit by the heartbreak and loneliness that’s inherent in the path she’s chosen.

Like a large number of the people who are drawn to my work, Sarah came to me because she shares the parenting intention I had raising my daughters: she is committed to obliterating the generational pattern of dysfunction in her family. She is committed to her daughter never having to experience even a smidgen of what she did as child.

Yes, it can be done. My grown daughters are a living proof of it. They are free of all the addictions, low self-worth, dysfunctional relationships, etc, that plague all my siblings and I. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that Sarah’s daughter will be free of all that as well.

And yes, it’s wonderful and incredibly rewarding to have been able to successfully break this long pattern that’s present in both my parents’ families.

And I’m so so so grateful that all my daughters are free of the pain I still struggle to live through!

But there are unique challenges for those of us who have committed ourselves to this Herculean task.

Here are some of the things many of us have to live with, as our children grow up, especially in the early years of parenthood:
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  • Our family of origin doesn’t understand us. Though they’re ‘supposed to be’ our support system, as well as the people with whom many of us celebrate our holidays and birthdays, they have no understanding of and ability to relate to the thing we’re most passionate about and focused on. And we can’t even talk to them about what we’re doing because it would hurt them, they wouldn’t understand, or they’d even just attack us back for it.
  • We are judged, and often outwardly criticized and ridiculed.
  • Even though we’ve put tons of time researching and working out an optimal way of being with our children, people who have never spent any time researching about effective parenting feel free to make dire predictions for our children, fully believing they know better than us.
  • Often times, the reason we looked for and committed ourselves to a more nurturing form of parenting is because we are highly sensitive, and we realized how damaged we were by the way we were parented. But being this sensitive, being criticized and judged is very painful, and often even debilitating.
  • We are often pressured to justify our choices, even though our answers are rarely taken seriously.
  • It’s hard to ask our family to treat our children in the way we want – for example to not tickle them, not pick them up without their permission, not call them 'good girl' or 'bad girl,' because they have no frame of reference or understanding of our reasons for wanting our children to be treated respectfully.
  • We have a different set of values than our family! This can be incredibly painful to live with, and make our time with our family unpleasant to downright traumatic and repulsive.
  • Our children will NEVER relate to us! Though this is what we so desperately want for our beloved children, it’s also incredibly hard and sad that the beings closest to us have no way of relating to the pain and inner challenges we live with.
  • We’re re-inventing the wheel, having not experienced, and often not even witnessed the way we want to parent. So we often feel like we’re moving in the dark, knowing what we don’t want to do but being clueless as to what to do instead.
  • We have to continually fight our conditioning, our default, which is to react to our children the way we were reacted to.
  • We’re doing something incredibly difficult, while being weighed down with lots of baggage and issues, which make things that may be simple and even non-issues for others challenging for us.
  • And we’re doing something absolutely incredible, what’s needed to create a world we would all love to live in, and for some of us no one even sees it.​

(Please note that I'm not blaming our relatives for being the way they are. They are also a product of their upbringing, and many had really good intentions but just didn't know better.

I also know that I presented the worst case scenario in the points above, and that for many of us things aren't as extreme as I presented them.)


I’m not saying this to depress you, my friend. I want to tell you that I understand you. I feel for you. The task you’ve undertaken is Herculean and I wish the whole world would rise up to celebrate you in it.

I hope you find some real support for yourself. That you figure out ways to take care of your own needs. That you can get some really good professional support, which will provide you healing and lots of empathy and understanding.

You’re a hero.

I see you.

Thank you for what you are doing. For your children, and for the whole world.

Lots of love to you,​
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​    If you recognize yourself in
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​And here’s something I shared with an incredibly brave and committed young mom in my Clean Parenting™ Program today. A bit of insight from a mom who’s made it through parenting and done loads of emotional healing work. This may apply to you as well if you’re resonated with this article so far:

“It is mind boggling to me what you've been able to do, given your history. You are incredibly strong, courageous and wise. I see in you something that a therapist has called in me a drive to wholeness. Even though we never received what we're trying to give our children, and even though we came from shit, a part of us for some reason knows what's possible. Has a vision or at least an inkling of what's whole and right, and we will not stop until we find it.
 
It's not an easy journey. We fall, lose it, go into depression. And then we somehow find our strength, fight, make headway, and release some of the baggage. 

Something I accepted in the past 2 years is that this is just my life journey. I'll likely never have the smooth, peaceful and reliably productive life I long for. Because of my past and because I'm an HSP (highly sensitive person,) those ups and downs are par for the course for me. Accepting it and being compassionate to myself, and cutting myself lots of slack when those lows happen has removed some of the edge of the pain for me.


But what I'm also seeing is that over the years, huge layers of baggage are dropping away. Every year, I realize that something that used to be painful, triggered me, or left me in a fog of confusion no longer has any impact on me. I'm growing more into myself. And as I work through all this shit, I develop a clarity that only comes from having intimately experienced something and made it through, which then helps me help other people.

I predict really amazing things for you, my friend. No, it won't be easy. But do what you can to make it as easy on yourself as possible. I can tell you that once you've made it through enough of this crap you're pulling yourself out of, the rewards, the self-connection, the beauty of real connections, the deep satisfaction of living from your truth, the exhilaration of freedom from lifelong baggage, are feelings unlike any others I've experienced.”

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A Unique and Often Heartbreaking Path: Breaking Our Family's Generational Pattern of Dysfunction | By Eliane of Parenting For Wholeness ~ Positive parenting that works, heals, and changes the world

WANNA GIVE BACK? Did you get value from this article? If so I would be incredibly grateful if you could share this article with your friends on Facebook (below) or Pinterest. I would LOVE help spreading the word about my work to people who could be positively impacted by it! 

WANT SUPPORT? I offer several programs to support moms both in parenting in alignment with their values, and in healing the trauma from their childhood. If you're interested in working with me, email me at Eliane@ParentingForWholeness.com, and we'll schedule a free 30 minute Strategy Session.

SUGGESTIONS ~ If you liked this article, you may also enjoy:
​
  • Are You Treating Yourself In Ways You'd Never Dream Of Treating Your Children?
  • What About Me...?
  • The Biggest Mistake The Most Caring Moms Make
  • How Do I Stop Myself Midway When I'm Triggered?
  • The Secret Most Moms Don't Talk About  
  • Parenting Can Be Easy?!?
18 Comments
Eliane
11/6/2015 08:00:58 am

Like a large number of the people who are drawn to my work, Sarah came to me because she shares the parenting intention I had raising my daughters: she is committed to obliterating the generational pattern of dysfunction in her family. She is committed to her daughter never having to experience even a smidgen of what she did as child.

Yes, it can be done. My grown daughters are a living proof of it. They are free of all the addictions, low self-worth, dysfunctional relationships, etc, that plague all my siblings and I. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that Sarah’s daughter will be free of all that as well.

(I'm posting this here because Facebook has recently been pulling comments instead the SEO description when my articles are shared. :-) )

Reply
Jennifer Ringwald
10/19/2016 09:39:33 pm

I wish i knew this stuff 10-15 yrs ago. I was scared to have children but it's all i ever wanted for my life. And now i cant have kids. As a late discovered adoptee, now in reunion with my maternal family, i don't believe in adoption for myself. So i try to help families stay together in my career.

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Susana
11/7/2015 04:24:59 am

Thank you so much for this article. I feel so identified with it, specially the last part... I've been also cleaning layers of shit over the last 10 years (my 30's) after 10 years of being so so lost (my 20's). And one part of me regrets the fact that I couldn't thrive in other aspects (professionally, for example) because of my high sensitiveness and the huge weight of my disfunctional childhood. But deep in my heart, and my tears are starting to flow, I know I am lucky to be myself and that all that I've lived in my life has made me strong, compassionate, more conscious and gentle with my own true nature. It has not been easy to accept this but now that I'm a mother I am so glad of all of my process, even though I get few critics every now and them of how I handle my parenting. I am strong and I know it. I can handle that too ;-)
Thanks Eliane.

Reply
Eliane
11/7/2015 08:02:38 am

Thank you for taking the time to write to me, Susana! How beautiful and touching to read you. That you know in your heart the gift of your sensitivity. How blessed your children are to have you as a mom!

And as far as not thriving professionally, I pretty much was facing homelessness at 45, if I didn't find a way to create a sustainable income for myself. Two years later, I have a thriving business that not only supports me financially but feeds my heart, in which I can bring every single part of who I am, working with and providing jobs for amazing like-minded women, and helping thousands and I hope soon millions. So there's definitely much more time for you yet! It didn't happen for me until my children were pretty much grown.

Big hug to you sister. And thank you for what you're contributing to the world by healing yourself and raising whole children.

Reply
Stef
11/8/2015 03:09:43 am

Thanks for this, I am going through this struggle now of accepting the reality of my extended family, the more work I do inside and with my kids the more I cannot relate to my family. Its like I grew up with a fantasy of who my family really were. I am so sad at seeing the reality of who they are. I understand that they were not taught how to relate emotionally, I guess it my inner child who is sad.

Reply
Eliane
11/9/2015 07:40:13 am

I feel for your inner child, Stef. It's taken me many years of healing work to get the point of accepting how my family is. I vividly remember reading a book called Your Child's Self Esteem, when my oldest was about 1. Through reading this book, I realized how much my mom, who I'd previously thought was an awesome mom (I thought *I* was the messed up one) was actually the cause of how poorly I felt about myself. It was an incredibly painful realization, and I had a hard time talking to her for about a year after it happened. I have no doubt she was doing the best she could, but meet my needs as a child she certainly did not.

Sending you a big warm hug, sister. <3

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kate
12/22/2015 05:50:34 pm

These comments above really resonate with me. I am having counselling due to the lack of emotional support I had as a child. I realised the huge lack of emotional support after an incident 2 years ago. I have 3 children and I parent so differently. The counselling really helps, and I am far less affected by how my parents are and act. I see it as their stuff and I can chose how I react. This is really empowering for me.I am learning to find my voice at last, after being laughed at and quashed when young. My 8 year old son is very aware of things going on around him . Emotionally he is attuned. I pat myself on the back when he tells me he is better regarding emotion than me. I am doing well, i believe , if he is able to tell me how he feels, plus feel comfortable to tell me he is better than me! I think i would not have felt the right to be able to say that growing up. Thanks for all the work you do. Hats off!!!!x

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Stef
12/23/2015 02:14:43 am

Hi Kate Eliane may have better words than me. Being laughed at was/is common in my family and not nice at all. I just want to warn you that when we had so many things missing as children there is a danger that we do the 180deg loop and hurt our children in different ways. Im talking from experience and huge mistakes i made with my daughter who is now 19. I tried to make up for the lack of connection i had with my mother and became overly close with my daughter. I shared too much and was getting my needs met rather than seeing to her needs. As much as i believe its ok to let our kids know we're not perfect and we do get upset its really important that there are clear boundaries and that we are clearly parents and our children can clearly depend on us. I would air on the side of caution when you feel that he is comfortable in telling he is better at emotion than you. Im sure ELiane can put this better than me. I worry that its rather an adult discussion youre having with an 8 year old son. Talking from a person who did all these things. Gordon Neufeld has some great material on 'The Alpha Complex'.

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Eliane
12/30/2015 09:57:39 am

HI Stef,

You make some really good points. Thank you for sharing your experience.

But I have to say that I myself didn't get a sense that inappropriate boundaries where being crossed from what Kate shared.

I also, like you, at times over shared with my girls a bit, but luckily not so much that it took me out of the parenting role. It is possible to be aware of our limitations and to even speak of them, while still maintaining our leadership stance with our little ones.

If there's something that I'm a testimony to, it's that it's possible to raise very healthy children even when we make lots of mistakes and are broken ourselves. :-)

Eliane
12/30/2015 09:48:46 am

How wonderful to hear of your experience, Kate! That you've found counselling that truly helps you, that you're able to be around your family and not be affected by it, that you seem to be healing from your childhood and that you've succeeded in not passing on the genrerational baggage to your son.

Beautifully done, mama! What a gift to the world you are.

Reply
Connie
12/23/2015 07:25:42 pm

Wow. I'm so relieved to find this article. I feel so alone in this journey! I'm very determined and feel so much passion for this in my heart and soul but I have very very little support. My husband is also making it very difficult for me because he is accusing and passive aggressive to me. I'm trying to be steadfast and kind but jot let him walk on or bully me in front of our 20 mos old son. I'm desperate for him to get some work so my son and I can have some space....his accusations and oppression threaten to cripple me but I am gripping fiercely to my love and vision for my son. I worry what will happen if we separate and my son has to be alone w him. Though I don't know how much longer he'll stay because he's bearing down more frequently lately. No one understands where I'm coming from yet my son is healthy and happy. He's strong and independent except when his father stirs up things. Please send thoughts of strength to me in this storm. ..

Reply
Eliane
12/30/2015 10:16:59 am

Wow, Connie, there's so much you're going through! I really feel for you, sister, and send you loads of love and positive vibes. It's amazing that you're able to steadfastly hold on to your ideals and vision in light of all you're living with.

If there's one thing I can give you hope about, it's that things do eventually get better when we have this clarity and vision. Sometimes the changes are small and hard to spot as they're happening, but looking back months or years later, you can see the magnitude of the shift. This has been and continues to be my experience, after 23 years on this path. Even just in the past 7 months, things have dramatically changed in my life in terms of the quality of my relationships and finally now believing that I deserve to be happy and to be loved.

So please keep at it! You're not alone. And make sure that you're on my email list, because I'm working on a project to connect all of you wonderful like-minded mamas in the next few months. So you can all finally get support and like-minded friends in your local communities.

Reply
Lynda link
2/13/2016 01:26:07 pm

This brought tears to my eyes this morning and I shared it on my page. Thank you :)

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Eliane
2/13/2016 02:21:33 pm

You're so welcome! <3

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Holly Cooper
2/13/2016 06:12:54 pm

I don't understand why people would tease and ridicule a parent doing better for their children. Guess that kind of behavior is more common than I thought. I admire parents that rise above their upbringing. Great article!!

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Eliane
2/15/2016 02:29:59 pm

Thank you Holly! I think many 'mainstream' or less sensitive people really just don't see anything wrong with the way most children are raised. It's not malicious. And then there are some who just feel threatened, fearing that if those parents are right, then what they did or are doing is wrong, and that's too painful to recognize.

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Anue Nue link
9/29/2017 12:07:43 pm

At first I hesitated to comment on this incredibly moving and encouraging post. Because I don't want what I have to say to be perceived as coming from a place of doubt or negativity about the importance of this work of breaking family patterns of dysfunction. Especially since, no such nay-saying could be further from my mind or heart, which only brings me to follow this page to cheer you all on in your personal quests to collectively improve on the future course of our family histories, and, to perhaps gain valuable insights to help inform how I grand parent.

That being said, I do feel what I have to add to this discussion is important. So I'm going to take the risk and say it with the sincere hope that if what I have to say is not beneficial to you that you will discard my words of wisdom, but not me personally. Because like the author, there was a time, not very long ago in fact, when I could say that My then highly educated and independently successful 35 year-old grown daughter, having grown into womanhood totally "free from addictions, low self-worth, dysfunctional relationships, etc", was living proof that we had succeeded in breaking most of our family's generational patterns of dysfunction. And then she married a man who wasn't yet free of any of those same dysfunctions.

So what I'm here to tell you is not all the sordid details of how the lives of every single one of our family members have been affected and fallen out of sync since then. Instead, what I want to tell you is what I have personally learned about what I believe I could have done better or differently as her parent while she was growing up.

Firstly, in response to the authors truth, "Our children will NEVER relate to us! Though this is what we so desperately want for our beloved children, it’s also incredibly hard and sad that the beings closest to us have no way of relating to the pain and inner challenges we live with.", I would like to say that I wish I had shared much, much more of my personal childhood experiences with my daughter during her earliest years. Not only so that she might have been able to relate to me better growing up. But so that she might possibly have been given a head start on processing and understanding the fact that not everyone in every family was actually growing up free from most of the dysfunctions she was. Because, I know for a fact, despite the positive sum of her upbringing, education and personal success, she was terribly unprepared when faced with the intimate realities of the kinds of dysfunctions that exist in the lives of other families.

Secondly, In response to the authors sentiment, "Please note that I'm not blaming our relatives for being the way they are. They are also a product of their upbringing, and many had really good intentions but just didn't know better.", I have to say that I very much regret not having spent far more time talking to my daughter while she was young about various family patterns of dysfunction, and, even allowing her to be exposed, with protective supervision of course, to more examples of family patterns of dysfunction playing out in real life. So that she might have developed a better handle on how to more readily recognize the red flags, and might have had ample time and opportunities to more fully develop her personal skills at using the tools she was learning during her childhood to promptly but lovingly extract herself from dysfunctional situations. Because I painfully witnessed first hand the great difficulty she had deciphering and understanding some of the experiences that presented themselves to her shortly after finally making the commitment to saying "I do'. Most of what was she was experiencing in her fully grown up adult married life were things I am positive she had no idea that many, many other people actually experience on a daily basis from early childhood on.

And lastly, I wish more than anything that I had remained continuously mindful of the fact that parenting, albeit an extremely important part of the equation, is only a relatively small percentage of the equation of who an adult child ultimately chooses to get involved with, share their life with, or even become. Not because if I had kept that in mind I wouldn't have given my all to parenting with the heartfelt intent to improve on the future course of our family history. But because, I believe that if I had always kept that one truth in mind it would have been easier for me to realize much sooner, rather than later, that it takes more than one generation to break down, repair and sustainably improve on intergenerational patterns of family dysfunction. And that contrary to popular belief, parenting does not end when a child reaches adulthood. But rather, parenting adult children with the heartfelt intent to improve on the future course of our family histories, requires that we continuously lean in closely with support and guidance as our adult children master the use of th

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Renee
10/23/2019 01:22:25 pm

I wish the rest of this comment were available.

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