The Biggest Mistake The Most Caring Moms Make

By Eliane Sainte-Marie
Founder of Parenting For Wholeness

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I've noticed a common and very sad thread in several conversations I've had recently. 

These conversations were with mothers who are exceptionally dedicated to their children. 

Who are committed to honoring their children's spirits. 

Whose main concern is to not in any way interfere with their children's wholeness. 

Who value the quality of their connection and their every interaction with their child above anything else. 

Who succeed in the vast majority of the time in parenting in alignment with their extremely high values. 

Who based on what I believe to be best for children are in the top 1% of best moms I've ever met.

I hear them say things like: 

• 'I want to stop feeling irritated when he won't fall asleep'
• 'I don't want to get annoyed when he doesn't do what I ask'
• 'I want to stop feeling overwhelmed when she's cranky.'
• 'I want to stop feeling snappy when she smears food all over.'

Can you spot what's wrong with this picture?

They're treating themselves in a way they'd never DREAM of treating their child!

• They're disallowing their feelings.
• They're judging and blaming themselves for what they FEEL.
• They're not allowing themselves to have needs, desires and preferences.
• They're denying aspects of themselves.
• They're trying to turn themselves into somebody they're not.
• They're not allowing themselves to be human!!!

Do you recognize yourself in this? 

If you do, I want to tell you that what you need to do, on the contrary, is pay MORE attention to your feelings. What are they telling you? What are the unmet needs that need to be addressed so that you can sustainably be the loving mom you aspire to be for you child?

In order for you to have harmony in your family, everyone's needs have to be met, INCLUDING YOURS!

If you don't take care of your needs, you'll end up being resentful, which will impact the quality of your relationship with your child. And you'll have a build up of unaddressed emotions which WILL blow up in often inappropriate and damaging ways. 

You are NOT doing your child a favor by meeting his needs at the expense of yours. You're teaching him that his needs matter and yours don't. And that in order for one person's needs to be met, another's need to be ignored. 

In order for your child to learn to successfully live socially, he needs to learn to look for win/win situations. And those can be found, the vast majority of the time, if we focus on identifying and meeting the underlying needs.  

Not the want.

Not the strategy.

Not the relief from the feeling.

But the real need, as defined in Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I highly recommend this book to any human who is in any kind of relationship.

Though I'm not excited at the formulaic way NVC is used by many, 

Click here to purchase the book

the consciousness at its core and the perspective it offers are in my opinion one of the most important one available to us in radically reducing emotional suffering AND improving all relationships.

I'll write more about the concept of needs vs wants, feelings and strategies in a future post, as I believe internalizing it is KEY in achieving harmony in your family.

Now back to my most caring, conscious moms. 

There's another sad trend I've noticed and found myself talking a lot about recently. 

And it has to do with when they 'mess up' as a parent.

I've been amazed and saddened at HOW MUCH they beat themselves up for what they do or don't do which is not in alignment with their parenting values.

And at how FEARFUL they are that they are damaging their child!

I had an absolutely incredible mom, someone I greatly admire, write the following to me this month:

“I’m filled with such guilt, remorse, and fear that I've irreparably damaged my daughter, her true self and her innate worthiness and her future ability to have peace and joy.” 

"I have fear that because I didn't handle my stuff, she went from being whole and fully intact with all the strength, loveability, worthiness, fearlessness, etc. she had to now being permanently wounded. I’m afraid she’ll be like me, wounded and behaving in ways that she regrets through no fault of her own." 

Is any of THIS resonating with you?

If it is and you're like the majority of my readers, you have done a fantastic job meeting your children's needs, even though a lot of yours were NOT met as an infant and child.

It's very challenging to meet another's needs when we have an unresolved store of unmet ones. I REALLY want you to recognize how much you ARE doing that, how much more you are giving your children considering what you didn't get! 

Parenting in the loving, considerate and respectful way that you are is an incredible gift you are giving your children. And you are doing it in a society (and maybe even community and family!) which largely doesn't support and understand what you're doing, and may even be critical of it! 

You REALLY need to HONOR YOURSELF for what you're doing for your children.

And as you focus more on meeting your needs and healing the residues from your childhood, you'll find that you'll organically parent more in alignment with your values.

Another thing I've found myself sharing numerous times, which seems to really hit home with those moms, is that our children are a lot more resilient than we are. 

Because of the way they've been lovingly parented from birth, they don't have the same woundedness that we have!

As a result of it, they don't make the same conclusions out of our actions as we would have as children.

As my daughters got older, I got to have insight into this in my conversations with them.

The first time I FINALLY realized this was when my oldest daughter Cassandra was 10. She was sick and couldn't fall asleep. We went back and forth between our 2 beds a few times. 

At some point I was laying in her bed and asked her if it'd be okay if I left because I couldn't fall asleep. I had a busy day the next day and wanted to feel rested. When she answered 'yes' I asked her 'Are you sure? You're not going to feel that I don't love you?' (because that's how I felt growing up, was what I was more than anything afraid that my children would feel, and how I would have interpreted my mom leaving me in that situation.) 

She looked at me with the most puzzled look on her face and said 'Why would I think that?!?' 

I realized in that moment that she didn't have the wound I have and therefore wasn't affected by my actions the way I would have been at her age. She couldn't make the same conclusion I would have made. 

What freedom!

So think of how this is playing out in your family. What is it that you're most afraid of, in terms of messing up your child, or when you fall short of your ideals?

Once you've identified that, look at your family life objectively, as if it was someone else's. And ask yourself if it's even possible for your child to experience your actions in the way you fear, to make the same conclusions about himself as you would have as a child. 

(I'd LOVE to hear your answers! Please post them below if you're willing to share.)

My advice to these incredibly caring moms I've been talking to, who had contacted me to figure out how to be better moms, has been the following:

"You already are an AMAZING mom to your child! What you really need to do more than anything is to become a BETTER MOM TO YOURSELF."

"And for me to remind you of what an AMAZING job you're doing!!!" 

And I REALLY want you to hear it as well if you've recognized yourself in what I've described in this article.

​With much love,

​Want my support in getting to a place where yours and your children's needs are fully met?

Then join me in my next Clean Parenting™ group!

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You'll get my dedicated support to fully establish your peaceful parenting foundation and insure that yours and your children's needs are consistently met in your life.

​Click the image for information and lots of testimonials from moms like you who have taken the amazing journey that is the Clean Parenting™ Program.

​And email me to set up a FREE 30 minute Parenting Can Be Easy! Strategy session and we can discuss if it would be the right fit for you and your family.

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• Does Your Child FEEL That You're On His Team?