Did your parents ever tell you "I'm doing this for your own good"?
(I teach those 4 principles in depth in my Clean Parenting program and you can request my report which describes them here.)
To maintain your connection with your child and nurture his sense of self, you need to make sure that in every interaction, he FEELS that you are on his team. (Or at least in as many interactions as possible, as I've yet to meet a parent who can do it 100% of the time.)
This is so important that I've come to claim that if there's only one thing you can remember and focus on in your parenting, which will most support you in being a peaceful and effective parent and raising whole children, it is BEING ON THE SAME TEAM.
So what does that look like?
The best way I know to clearly convey what I mean by being on the same team is to give you an experience of it.
Think about a boss, a relative, a teacher, an organization leader or any other person who has been in a position of authority over you, whom you felt was really on your team. This person respected you, cared about your experience, taught you what you needed to learn and gave you instructions in a respectful manner. If you messed up, he/she strove to understand what happened, and presented you with support or any additional information you needed.
How did you feel in his/her presence? How did you respond to his/her feedback? How did you respond to his/her requests? How did you react when he/she spoke?
Really take a minute to feel this…
I mean it.
Close your eyes.
Picture that person, and take the time to connect with the feeling of being with them.
How did it feel? Please post your answer in the comments below!
This is the place we want to tap into in our parenting.
Truly being on the same team is the foundation of a caring and respectful family life—to having children who want to please you, learn from you and listen to you.
Here's an example of how Joanne decided to approach a situation with her son Rowen, from a place of being on the same team:
"When Rowen was starting swim lessons this summer, it brought up many emotions from our failed attempt last summer. Last summer, the instructor put his head under water the first day. Rowen got water up his nose and it traumatized him. I was not able to get him back in that year.
So, when lessons came this year, he was excited until it came time to go the first day. He suddenly froze and refused to go. Instead of insisting that he go and participate. I asked him if he was afraid because of last year. He said "yes" and we discussed it for a minute while he hugged me and cried. I told him that since we paid for it, we will at least go and watch so that he can see what they do. I promised that I would not make him go in the pool. He left with me but added, "I will NOT go in the pool" just to make sure I understood. I kind of knew he would want to after he saw the kids having fun.
After we got there we settle down along the fence by the pool. Rowen started to cry. I said, "I know why you are crying. Because you really want to go in and have fun, but you are scared that your instructor will put your head under." He said "yes" and gave me a huge hug while crying. I promised him that if he went in, I would tell his instructor that under no circumstances was he to pressure him to put his head under.
The lead instructor came over and I told her what was going on and she also agreed to relay the info to Rowen's instructor. She was really nice and Rowen liked her. After feeling confident that we were both on his team, he went in willingly. He was smiling from ear to ear as soon as he got in and didn't stop smiling the whole time. He had a ball all summer but he never did get his head under. We are still working on that. ;) "
Do you realize your child unfortunately may not feel you're on his team?
Here are a few tips that can help you make the switch:
And here are 2 practical tips I came up with when I was working with a mom on getting her on the same team with her 5 year old son. They both worked like magic:
Now, take a moment to imagine what it would have felt like if your parents had interacted with you from a place of being on the same team.
How different would your childhood have been?
How different would your life be now?
How differently would you feel about yourself?
Do you want this for your children? I'm so incredibly grateful I was able to provide it for mine! It sure shows in how differently they feel about themselves than I do about myself.
I encourage you to do whatever it takes so you can shift your parenting to fully being on the same team as your children.
And if you can't get there on your own, please get support from a parenting coach who can help you. (You can email me at Eliane@ParentingForWholeness.com for help in choosing the best program for you.)
Lots of love,
To read about all 4 core principles of Clean Parenting™, request my FREE report:
The Almost Magical Formula for surprising EASE and HARMONY in your family while fully honoring your children’s spirits.
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