The Key to Well-Behaved Children Who Listen to You, While Fully Respecting Them

By Eliane Sainte-Marie, founder of Parenting For Wholeness

Do you ever feel you have to make a choice between parenting peacefully and having well-behaved children who listen to you? 

Or having a sense of order in your home?

Photo courtesy of Martin Durocher

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Or even though you don’t believe in coercive and authoritarian parenting, do you sometimes just wish you did so your children would do what you say? Even obey you?

Well I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to choose.

It IS possible to have well-behaved children who listen to you while fully honoring and respecting them.

What I’m talking about here is not obedient children who blindly follow any directions but children who trust you and know in their bones that you’re on their team, and therefore WANT to listen to you.

One thing I've sadly found through working with many peaceful, attachment, unschooling and Continuum Concept families, is that many of them end up giving up on the idea of effectiveness in their parenting, because they don’t believe it can happen in a way that’s respectful of their beloved children.

They don't want to squash their spirits.

They don’t want to control them.

They don't want to be authoritarian.

They don't want to do to their children what was done to them when they were children.

Sometimes chaos ends up reigning in those families. It's challenging to make anything happen.

And eventually the parents snap and respond to their children in ways they promised themselves they'd never do.

Does this ever happen to you?

I'm here to tell you that you don't have to give up on effectiveness to fully respect your children and to honor their spirits!

On the contrary, grounding yourself in Clean Parenting, which is highly effective because it taps into children's innate desire to cooperate and learn from their elders, is actually doing them a favor and meeting needs which aren't when we're afraid of offering clear, needed and appropriate guidance.

(For an in depth discussion of the four key elements of Clean Parenting, request my report THE ALMOST MAGICAL FORMULA For Surprising Ease and Harmony in Your Family While Fully Honoring Your Children’s Spirits.)
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​What I’ve found to be the key to this ease, both in my family as well as the families I work with, is to own and embody our role as what I call being a benevolent leader.

Being a clear benevolent leader is one of the four key elements which constitutes the foundation of Clean Parenting, and by far the most misunderstood one, and most challenging to apply.

My favorite way of conveying this principle is to have you imagine moving somewhere with a completely different culture. Or even to a different planet.

Picture yourself being there alone, not knowing the language and not knowing any of the local customs; not knowing what is considered rude or might upset people or possibly even make them want to harm you; not knowing how to operate any of their technology or how to operate in their society, organizations, businesses, etc.

How would that feel?

Photo courtesy of Mona Sanei

And now imagine that you have a local guide who is there to help you acclimate. Would you do whatever you want, or would you check with that trusted person to find out what's appropriate?

Would that person be controlling you or helping you adapt to the culture?

As far as that guide goes, would you prefer someone who is afraid to give you information, who is apologetic and who avoids giving you directions as much as possible? Or would you want someone who knows you well, knows what you already know and what you haven’t encountered yet, and matter-of-factly presents you with the information you need when you need it? 

I’m hoping you got a clear sense of what I mean by being a benevolent leader by doing this reflection.

Being a leader as a parent is tapping into the natural order of things, from an evolutionary perspective, in which children look to their elders to learn about the world and for guidance on how to conduct themselves. 

In our society parents tend to either be: 

1) AUTHORITARIAN, in a way that doesn’t really respect children and meet their needs, and damages their sense of self 

OR

2) PERMISSIVE, because they really want to honor and trust their children and not do to them what their own parents did. Yet those permissive parents often find themselves wavering between the two approaches because they can’t find something that works and is in alignment with their values.

The thing is that young children don't have the experience nor the big picture in mind to make decisions, in many situations. Therefore it is normal and healthy for us to make those decisions for them, for our family. This organically and quickly shifts as they get older and grow in their ability to make decisions.

At the same time it’s critically important that we guide them in a way that is totally respectful, nurtures their sense of self, and doesn’t in any way damage our relationship with them.

Here’s what it looks like:

• It’s really a way of being, a stance where we are clear, loving and grounded in ourselves.
• We deeply understand that our children are eager to contribute and cooperate.
• We know that they are innately caring, compassionate, responsible, loving, etc., so that we don’t have to coerce them into any way to get them to act the way we’re directing them.
• We know that they want and need to learn from us how to function in our society.
• We completely respect and trust them.
• We always take their needs into account.
• And from this place we offer information matter-of-factly, knowing that they’ll welcome it and act on it.
• We don’t pussy foot around setting limits or telling them not to do something because we don’t fear that it’s going to negatively impact them.
• Nowhere in our words or attitude is there a hint that they’re bad or wrong.
• It’s so understood in the relationship that it's our place to teach our child that they automatically look for our feedback when not sure how to do something.
• If they are doing something that’s not appropriate, one look will be enough to understand and shift their behavior because of the level of trust that’s present.
• Often, all that’s needed is a look,  (This is isn’t in any way done in a judgmental or shaming perspective, but from a very deep mutual understanding that it’s the parent’s job to show the child the way.)

Watch this video of my 27 year old daughter demonstrating how she used Clear Benevolent Leadership to a boy in one of her coaches' gymnastics classes (as well as to see what a child parented in the way I teach looks like as an adult - proud mama moment here. ♥)

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What I’m describing here may seem utopic, but I guarantee that it’s possible. It is the trickiest things I teach (which I’m eternally grateful to Jean Liedloff, author of The Continuum Concept for teaching me!) because it’s not something most of us have had any modeling of. But when it clicks into place with my clients is when I suddenly hear how totally easy their life also gets! 

It does take work to integrate, but I promise that once your leadership is established, your life will be so much easier! It might be even straight up easy, as mine was, so it’s well worth the time and focus to achieve it. And it is well worth doing any inner work you need to do around this to clear what’s in your way of embodying it. 

In order for this firm, clear and benevolent leadership to work, the following HAS to be present: 

• Your children need to fully trust you and fully feel that you’re on their team. From that place it’s easy to guide them because they are open to you. They KNOW you’re with them and not against them, so you can easily tap into their innate desire to learn and cooperate. 
• You need to know and trust that they genuinely want and need to learn from you. That you teaching them the social ways is welcome, needed and truly beneficial to them. 
• You need to know that they NEED leadership and that your firm guidance will not harm them or their sense of independence and autonomy. On the contrary, it will give them the inner freedom they need to actually grow in these areas! 
• ​You need to deeply respect your child and what his needs and important preferences are. You need to honor his needs and what matters to him as you guide him. This will insure that he’ll trust you and want to follow your guidance, and that he won't be in any way harmed by your firm guidance.

​If children don’t feel your clear leadership, they will act out as a way to express their inner discomfort. Their acting out is NOT a call for more freedom but a call for clearer guidance, for the leadership that will make their world feel right and will make them feel secure. 

If what you read resonates with you, I STRONGLY encourage you to do whatever it takes to embody this in your family. The results on the quality of life of your family, and the incredible EASE you’ll feel in your parenting, is something you’ll likely be eternally grateful for.

I know I am.

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For a thorough discussion of Clean Parenting™, request my FREE report, The Almost Magical Formula For Surprising Ease and Harmony in Your Family While Fully Honoring Your  Children’s Spirits. It describes the four principles which when used together, truly lead to astounding ease and harmony in families.

Click Here to Request The Report

Wanna give back? Please SHARE this article! I'd be incredibly grateful to you.

Do you want SUGGESTIONS to put all this into practice? Check out the following articles and audios!
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• Why It's Critical That You Trust Your Children
• Could You Be TOO Child-Centered?
• VIDEO: What Clear Benevolent Leadership Looks Like - an Example from the Huxtable's 
• Is This Really Possible?!? One Family's Experience of Natural Parenting
• 7 Problems with Avoiding Saying ‘No’ at all Costs
• The Magic of True Empathy 
• AUDIO: Being The Clear And Benevolent Leader Your Children Need
• AUDIO: Do You Believe Your Children Are Innately Good and Cooperative?u 
• INTERVIEW: Why Leadership Is the Missing Link in Conscious Parenting

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QUICK START Program - an Introduction to Clean Parenting™.

This article is part of Module 10’s assignment, in which you’re asked to ponder this concept, work on applying it to each of the items on the list of challenging situations you created at the beginning of the program, and get to exchange about it with all the other committed parents in the Facebook group who are also working through the program alongside you.