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I was reflecting yesterday on something I feel REALLY STRONGLY about, which I want to share with you today.
Gaby on the Skydeck in Chicago's Ellis Tower. She's a pretty fearless young woman! I'm glad she has good instincts so I can trust her to know her limits.
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Because it's what's been key to my being able to sleep at night with 3 teenage daughters. And not worry when my daughters sadly move far away from me. This all started when I was chatting with a wonderful mom whom I hadn't seen in a few years. Though there are many ways in which our parenting is similar, a core difference was highlighted in our conversation and her interactions with her daughter. Our 15 and 16 year old daughters were heading to the local yogurt shop and the mom insisted that her daughter take a sweater in case she got cold, in spite her daughter's assurance that she'd be okay. |
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Though this mom is also a very loving, attached and attuned parent, she is a lot more directive and protective with her daughter than I've been with my three.
At some point in our conversation, whilst praising my parenting, work and the results I've had with my daughters, she said something that inspired this article.
She said that she didn't allow her daughter to be as free as I allow mine, because she wasn't willing to experience the potential consequences of that.
Her statement really stayed with me.
I found myself pondering it a lot afterwards.
And felt compelled to express my perspective.
What I feel very strongly about and could have replied to her this wonderful mom is:
"I'm not willing to experience the consequences of NOT trusting my daughters. Of making their decisions for them. Of having them rely on me to guide their decisions and monitor what they do."
Giving them freedom to make their own decisions is what's allowed them to remain connected to their inner guidance, instead of them shifting their focus outward, to what others tell them.
The only person who will always be with them, whom they can always count on is themselves.
Therefore, I've seen it as my job as a parent to nurture and strengthen THAT relationship above any other.
Trusting my daughters to make their own decisions while they still lived with me allowed them to develop their experience while I still had influence on them, and could still give them my opinion and feedback.
By the time they move away from me at 18 (Cassandra has been in Florida for 3 years and Audrey is heading to New York City in the fall) they have been making all their decisions by themselves for a long time, therefore are very well equipped to make them.
The small writing on the banner says NYU bound. I know Audrey will thrive in NYC as it's a perfect fit for her. And I'm so thrilled that I allowed her to learn how to take care of herself and be in touch with her instincts so I know she'll still be safe in this ginormous city.
I've made a point of telling my daughters that the only person they can fully trust is themselves.
Above even myself and their dad.
That there are times (this mostly happened when they were little) when as parents we have to make decisions for them or that impact them which don't feel right to them. And that we're not necessarily making the best decision.
That we are fallible.
That it doesn't mean that because we're the ones making the decision we're right and they're wrong.
I wanted to make sure not to skew their perception of what felt true and right to them, by telling them they were wrong.
I just presented my perspective and opinion, taking responsibility for it and not making it 'the truth.'
As Byron Katie says, no one can ever know what's right for another person's path.
And no one else can ever fully know what's true for them.
Why do I believe that the only person my daughters can fully trust is themselves?
Because no one else ever has as much information about them and their specific situation as they do.
No one else has access to their instincts and their inner guidance, which are the most reliable resources we have (when they're not covered up with crap from all our conditioning.)
Our inner guidance is our connection to our drive towards wholeness, towards what we know is right and good, when we're not in some form of protective mode.
It's our connection to presence, spirit, our higher self, God, or however we experience the source of life.
It's our connection to massive amounts of information, of which we can only intellectually access a small fraction.
I've encouraged my daughters to trust their own opinions and guidance in terms of who to trust, whose advice to listen to, which expert or more experienced person to turn to when they need help or additional information.
I've encouraged them to be discerning when reading or listening to others and to never blindly trust what someone says.
There's a whole people who was trained to blindly follow what the authority said. And look at the massacre that ensued!
What if the Germans had grown up been encouraged to trust themselves...?
I CAN trust my daughters to make the right choices for themselves because they've always been trusted to do so, therefore are experienced in it.
And because they are honest - this is so key in making good decisions!
I've encouraged their self honesty, as well their honesty with me, by never punishing them, trying to manipulate them to fulfill my own agenda, or making them experience any negative consequence for telling the truth.
A self honest person tends to make good decisions because they're not hiding behind excuses and delusions.
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One thing that happened naturally for me (and I feel I was really blessed with!) was always looking at the long term perspective when it came to my children. Not allowing them to go out on a specific day might keep them safe in that specific instance, but will not do anything in terms of keeping them safe in the rest of their lives. What WILL keep them safe is being grounded in inner honesty, critical thinking and having access to their inner guidance. I'm not concerned about Audrey's safety when she moves to New York City. She's so connected to her inner guidance and used to making her own decisions that she'll know how to handle herself whether she's in our safe little town of Westmont or one of the biggest cities in the world. I was struck by how deeply I trust her judgment when she was sharing with me an experience that happened to her recently. She had taken a road trip to Montreal with her best friend over spring break. |
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One night, the girls met a young man in a comedy club and spent some time hanging out with him. He was nice, normal, smart, easy on the eyes and they thoroughly enjoyed his company.
He invited them to meet up again the following night, but Audrey's friend declined. She was afraid that something negative might happen from hanging out with a stranger.
But there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that it would have been fine.
Why?
Because Audrey felt completely comfortable with him. She would have KNOWN if something was off about him.
And she would have made sure that they met in a setting that felt comfortable to her if she didn't.
I completely trust her ability to size up people and know who she can trust and who she can't.
And her level headedness in what she decides to engage in.
Having been raised completely differently, her friend needs to depend on guidelines to feel safe.
And made them miss out on an enjoyable experience because she was acting on something she's been told in the past instead of being free to evaluate the actual situation.
What a bummer for Audrey!
Now I'd like to switch to a completely different age group and share another story which relates to the topic of trusting children.
A story that I told an acquaintance many years ago, before children were even on her mind, and which she told me recently is what she still remembers me by.
Once, when she was 3, Gaby was standing on the kitchen counter, getting something in a cabinet.
When she was done, she asked me if she could jump off.
My reply to her was "I don't know, can you?"
How could I possibly know what her body is able to do? I'M NOT IN IT!
She turned the focus to herself and realized that she didn't feel comfortable doing so.
And asked me if I'd take her down.
If I had told her she couldn't, she would have learned to trust me instead of her own feeling of rightness.
She wouldn't have become as attuned to her body and her specific abilities.
Trusting my daughters to make their own decisions, from toddlerhood on, has made my life as a parent so much easier than those of most other parents I've seen.
And it's ensured that my daughters knew how to keep themselves safe, rarely got hurt and are now well equipped to handle life on their own.
I feel incredibly blessed to have had the foresight to do this with them and that we've all reaped, then and now, endless benefits from it.
DISCLAIMER: What I describe here is my ideal, and something that I'm certain I didn't apply all the time. I am far from being a perfect mom, and the results in my daughters, in spite of it, is a testimony to how effective this parenting approach is.
FOR HELP ON PARENTING in the way I describe in this article, request my FREE REPORT:
The Almost Magical Formula for surprising EASE and HARMONY in your family while fully honoring your children’s spirits.
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SUGGESTIONS: If you liked this article, you may also enjoy:
- The Key to Well-Behaved Children Who Listen to You, While Fully Respecting Them
- Does Your Child FEEL That You're On His Team?
- Could You Be TOO Child-Centered?
- Could Your Struggle Just Be Caused By An Unrealistic Expectation?
- Would You Like This for Your Children? One Family's Results of Natural Parenting
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For help on parenting from a place of trusting your children, check out my QUICK START Program.
This article is part of Module 9’s assignment, in which you’re asked to ponder this concept, work on applying it to each of the items on the list of challenging situations you created at the beginning of the program, and get to exchange about it with all the other committed parents in the Facebook group who are also working through the program alongside you. |
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