What Clear Benevolent Leadership Looks Like - an Example from the Huxtable's

By Eliane Sainte-Marie, founder of Parenting For Wholeness

Did Clair get it right when Rudy broke Cliff's juicer? Check out this video clip and see what you think. 

I'll then break down what she did for you.

And that's how it's done, ladies and gentlemen!!!

Kidding aside, this clip beautifully illustrates one of the 4 core principles of my work: being a clear benevolent leader with our children. Giving them the guidance they need to learn to function in our world, in a completely respectful, attuned and non-manipulative way.

I was thrilled to discover this wonderful example in The Cosby Show's The Juicer (season 2, episode 2) because this concept is challenging to describe with words. It needs to be experienced. 

(For a full discussion of this principle, read my article: The Key to Well-Behaved Children Who Listen to You, While Fully Respecting Them.)

I consider developing this clear benevolent leadership stance in our families one of the most important things we can do as parents. It's particularly important when our children are young. 

I credit having mastered it as the reason I had incredible ease and harmony in my own family as my three daughters were growing up. 

So now let's look at what's happening in the clip which is so on point:

• Clair simply describes the situation - there is no judgment, blame or belittling. Rudy's sense of self remains intact.
• She makes it clear that Rudy will be loved no matter what - her love is unconditional, and not dependent on her actions.
• She gives Rudy what she most needs in the moment, which is reassurance, comfort and a safe space to describe what happened, which she is already upset about - she first focuses on meeting Rudy's needs instead of focusing on the inappropriate behavior.
• She gives Rudy information, not punishment - she assumes that Rudy wants to learn and do the right thing, and that all she needs is the information to make a better decision the following time.
• She expects that Rudy wants to do the right thing - cleaning up the mess. In that Clair clearly took charge and because of her clear, firm and loving expectation, she engaged Rudy in taking the socially appropriate action. She is teaching her how to behave in society.
• She is clear and firm in that Rudy herself needs to tell her father what happened, making her take responsibility for her actions. But she holds her hand and provides her the support she needs.

I hope this video clip and discussion have given you a clearer sense of what being a leader is, and feels, and looks like. I'd love to hear your thoughts!

For an in depth discussion of the four key elements of Clean Parenting,
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​​Want help integrating this approach so you can consistently parent like Clair?

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