(NB: I’m not intimating that working moms don’t also need time alone, but the purpose of this article is to address the unique challenges of being ‘on’ and with children, 24/7.)
Now that I’m an empty-nester and have all the same and space I need to focus on myself, after 24 years of living with children, I have a whole new vantage point on what it’s like to be responsible for and with children 24/7, week after week, month after month, year after year.
And I have a huge amount of compassion for the young mom I was who was home with her 3 children, co-slept, homeschooled, lived in a different country from her family, and was therefore with her children 24/7, except for an occasional evening La Leche League meeting when I left the older children with their dad.
The young mom who didn’t realize that she mattered too.
I work with many stay-at-home and homeschooling moms, and I see now how vital it is for them, in order to function as humans, to have time to themselves.
- Time to think their own thoughts, instead of having them all be about their children, or having their own thoughts constantly interrupted by adorable little ones’ talking.
- Time to just be (can’t you just feel yourself relaxing at the thought of this?)
- Time when they are not responsible for anyone other than themselves.
- Time when they can connect to themselves deeply, remember who they are as a person, outside of being a mom.
- Time to meet their own needs that they’re not able to while also caring for or being with other little beings.
Not honoring their own needs is one of the biggest mistakes I observe in peaceful, attachment, Continuum Concept parenting and homescholing moms.
Though they’re acutely aware of how important it is for their children’s needs to be met and single-mindedly focused on making sure that they are, they ignore the fact that they are humans too and therefore also have needs.
And that it’s critical for themselves, in order to be the best possible mom to their beloved children, in order to have a chance of thriving as a family, and just because they deserve it like all humans, to have their needs met too.
If you’re familiar with my work, you know that my goal is for families to live what I call family homeostasis.
And this goal is impossible to attain if moms don’t commit to making sure that their own needs are met, as well as their children’s.
CAVEAT:
I must admit that I’m a bit reluctant to publish this article. And I think other like-minded parenting authors might avoid writing about this topic for the same reason as me: because our society often completely ignores children’s needs, to disastrous consequences to those poor beings, in order to meet the parents’ needs.
And we’re afraid that sharing this info might just be additional motivation for some parents to separate from their children more than is healthy for them, and ignore their needs even more.
But I’ve come to realize that this message needs to be shared, for the benefit of the dedicated and attuned stay-at-home moms who are floundering or barely coping for lack of self-care, so I’m taking that risk.
The advice in this article assumes, as I make sure to mention a few times, that children are ready to separate from mom, and that they are left in the care of someone who THE CHILDREN feel completely safe and comfortable with, and, if they’re young (babies, toddlers, as well as older children if they need it) well bonded to.
It’s important to understand that what’s key here is the child GENUINELY FEELING safe, comfortable and bonded, it’s not about the parent knowing that the child is safe and will be well cared for, or thinking that the child ‘should be’ fine with that person.
WHAT I RECOMMEND:
When I started running my Clean Parenting program 4 years ago, when I still had 2 daughters living at home, I recommended that all moms whose children are ready to separate have one evening or one chunk of time on weekends, weekly, where dad (or someone else if dad’s not around or available) took the children.
THIS felt critical, even though I didn’t know it when my children were little, and therefore didn’t practice it.
But 4 years later, having been living alone for a whole year, this seems ridiculous.
Ridiculously not enough.
Especially if you are an introvert or an HSP (highly sensitive person!)
So in my last Clean Parenting group, I came up with what feels like a minimum, for stay-at-home-moms, and especially homeschooling moms (which means many more years at home with children) to not only survive or be able to cope, but have a chance to also thrive and to be the best possible moms they can be for their children.
This is what I now recommended (again, once their children are okay being without them and there’s access to the right kind of caregivers.)
- Have 1 night a week for yourself. Either going out, or where dad takes the children out, if they go to bed late. Take a class, practice a hobby, go out for a nice sit down dinner, or stay home and do whatever nurtures you or you miss and crave, including bingeing on Netflix if that’s what you want.
- Have 2 to 3 half days a week without children (with younger children, maybe have a mother's helper in the house to have responsibility of them, while you're still there for emergencies and when no one else will do,) having either dad, a nanny or mother's helper caring for them, or dropping them off at friends' houses.
- Get away one night per month. Either stay at a friend's house, at your mom’s/dad’s if they’re the type to dote on you, or check in to a hotel, get a massage, journal, go dancing, watch Netflix and munch on junk food, or whatever will feel nurturing to you.
- Go away for a weekend once a quarter, or a week once or twice a year, to a retreat, a girlfriends' weekend, visiting family, camping alone, etc.
If you have multiple children and your youngest isn’t yet ready to separate, assuming it is helpful to you, you can follow that plan with your older ones. I don’t know about you, but for me, by the time I had 3 children, an evening out with just the baby/toddler did feel like a vacation.
If your reaction reading what I suggest is that it feels impossible, or brings up an intense negative feeling or disbelief that you deserve that time to yourself, then you might want to slowly build up to it. Start with a night off every 2 weeks or 2 hours of support on a weekday once a week. Then after a couple of months, graduate to a night off every week or 4 hours of daytime support during the week. Then add in some weekend time, etc.
I’d also suggest you do some inner work on the feelings and beliefs that this idea brought up, as you’ll likely never be able to thrive as a person until you can fully honor and commit to meeting your own needs.
IDEAS FOR GETTING SUPPORT:
There’s a common reaction I get when I share this advice in my Clean Parenting groups, after I’ve done some work with the moms on realizing the importance, for themselves as well as for their children, of focusing on meeting their own needs.
And it’s that they don’t have the right people in their lives to care for their children so they can get time off.
Here are some of the ideas I offer them:
- Find a mothers’ helper: Some children, as young as 5 or 6, love playing with babies and toddlers (it’s so much more enjoyable and rewarding than playing with dolls!), and might be thrilled to come entertain your child for a few hours, once or twice a week (which incidentally provides some time off for their mom! ☺) Older children might love the responsibility of having a ‘job’ and coming to take care of your children and maybe even do some household chores in exchanges for some payment. A wonderful place to look for those angel helpers is local homeschooling groups. This can be a beautiful win-win for SAHM’s and homeschooled children looking for life-giving activities! Another great benefit of building a relationship with young mothers’ helpers is that as they get a bit older, they can become the best, most trusted and beloved babysitters.
- Childcare swap: Another beautiful win-win is connecting with a family you really like, whose children play well with yours, and swapping caring for each other’s children. I suggest making a regular scheduled plan, like alternating which mom cares for the others’ children on a certain week day, or each having a weekday where you watch the others’ children, so you can count on that time for yourself and maybe even schedule alone activities (yoga or art class, massage, etc) for yourself. I watched a lot of my friends children when my girls were young, because it was actually often easier for me to have additional children to entertain mine than having them home without friends. And the trusted families where my children spent time ended up also being the homes where they had their first sleepovers, where I felt safe that they would be cared for lovingly should they need nighttime support.
- Paying SAHM’s: For many, choosing to stay home with children comes at a great financial sacrifice. Some of those moms financially strapped awesome moms might be incredibly grateful for some income in exchange for caring for your children a few hours a week. So if you see a mom whose parenting you love, who you know your children would be happy with, who has maybe expressed financial struggles or limitations, if you’re able to afford it, try delicately asking her if she’d be open to helping you out in exchange for payment. This too could be a beautiful win-win for her and for you.
- Out-of-town family: Some families are blessed to have relatives living nearby, who are happy to care for their children. But for those who don’t, you can still get support from out-of-town relatives, if you feel comfortable with the way they interact with your children, when you’re together. It might be tempting, when visiting, to spend all your time with them. But there’s a golden opportunity here: people who love your children and might be the perfect persons to take care of them and offer you time to yourself, or time with your spouse.
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CONCLUSION:
If you are a SAHM, are genuinely thriving and don’t feel the need for free time, I’m thrilled for you! (And envious too. Part of me wishes I could have been THAT mom, but I know now that given my specific needs, and being an HSP, this was not realistic for me, and therefore unkind to myself to wish for.) But if you are loving spending all your time with your children and are able to fully meet your needs in this way, then please disregard this article.
But so far I’ve not met one of those moms (that I know of.)
Most of the moms I meet completely ignore their own needs. And the ones who either come from emotionally healthy families and know their needs matter or have done a lot of healing work to get to the place of valuing their needs STILL don’t take seriously their need for alone time, or don’t know how to go about getting it met.
Can you imagine what it would feel like to have all the alone time I recommend above? What a different person you might even be? How much more patient and excited to be with your children you might be?
Isn’t that worth working toward?
I really hope I’ve inspired you to take your needs more seriously, whatever they might be.
And that if you’re resonating with this article, you’ll take steps toward creating some space for yourself. It might take months or even years for you to build the right relationships, find the right people, maybe do the needed healing work, that will allow you to have the needed support and conditions to have the time alone you crave.
But what’s important is that you keep clear on your goal and keep taking steps. Gradual, steady progress is what will eventually get you there.
What I recommend in this article might seem extreme, and I know it would have been hard to convince me to follow it, and that I deserved it.
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But being on 24/7, year after year, mostly being the only caregiver, is absolutely unrealistic. From where I'm sitting now, it’s obvious that SAHM’s and homeschooling moms need this (and deserve it!) in order to thrive in their lives and be the moms they want to be to their beloved children. Lots of love, 
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Related articles:
- What Is Family Homeostasis? (And why it's important for you to know)
- Are You Treating Yourself In Ways You'd Never Dream Of Treating Your Children?
- 7 Problems with Avoiding Saying ‘No’ at all Costs
- The Biggest Mistake The Most Caring Moms Make
- The Secret Most Moms Don't Talk About
- The Magic of Win-Win's in Your Family
- 3 Rarely Discussed Principles That Could Make a World of Difference In Your Parenting
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