Do Your Children Feel You Have Their Backs?

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​By Eliane, founder Parenting For Wholeness

You know how sometime in the middle of something mundane, you hear something that hits you so hard that it just haunts you afterward?

This happened to me this week, watching a new favorite TV show (A Million Little Things, if you're curious to know which.)

In one scene, a woman, very upset, is talking with a friend about an agonizing decision she has to make. As the camera focuses on her friend, there's a sense that he might have a strong opinion about what she should decide, that he might even feel judgmental of one option. But when he opens his mouth to speak, what he says is 'I want you to know that no matter what you decide, I've got your back.'

I'VE GOT YOUR BACK.

These words stayed and stayed with me. 

What would it feel like to have people in my life who'd feel that fiercely about me? Who'd be so dedicated to my well being, whatever it ended up requiring?

I can only think of one person in my life who I've unequivocally felt this from (thank you Chris if you're reading this! ♥ ) and I'm guessing it's part of the reason I've considered her my bff for 15 years.

And writing this with tears in my eyes, I sure as hell hope my daughters feel that way with me.

I talk a lot in my work about the importance of children feeling we're on their team. 

But something about the words 'them feeling we have their backs' makes it even more poignant to me.

Do you think your children feel you have their backs? 

And do you realize how important it is that they feel it?

Here's an exercise I provide in my Clean Parenting program when we cover the topic of being on the same team, to help understand how differently children might feel and behave if they feel their parents are on their team:

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Reflection on being on the same team

Think about a boss, a relative, a teacher, an organization leader or any other person who has been in a position of authority over you, whom you felt was really on your team. This person respected you, cared about your experience, taught you what you needed to learn and gave you instructions in a respectful manner.

How did you feel in his/her presence?
How did you respond to his/her feedback?
How did you respond to his/her requests?
How did you react when he/she spoke?

Really take a minute to feel this…
I mean it.
Close your eyes.
Picture that person, and take the time to connect with the feeling of being with them.

This is the place we want to tap into in our parenting.

How did you feel in his/her presence?
How did you respond to his/her feedback?
How did you respond to his/her requests?
How did you react when he/she spoke?
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​So I'll ask you again, do you think your children feel you're on their team? That you have their backs?

If not, what could you do to make them feel you do?

One thing I want to make clear though, before you dive into this question, is that it's not about giving them everything they want.

It's about them feeling seen, understood, trusting that you're seeing things from their perspective, and that you care about their feelings.

And this can be done even when saying 'no' to their requests or setting some boundary, through
empathizing with them, listening to them, holding loving space for whatever feelings come up for them.

How different would your childhood have been (assuming it wasn't your experience) if you truly felt your parents had your back? 

How different of a person would you be?

I have a vivid example of it in my life, in my 3 beautiful, full of life and emotionally healthy adult daughters.

Even though I was far from a perfect mom, my focus on making sure they felt I was on their team while they were growing up and in supporting them in creating a rock solid sense of self has resulted in them having a very different experience of life in general and a different inner life than I do.

I get to see what healthy human beings look like, what I could have been like had I been parented in the same way. 

And I wish every human could get to live this way. It's my wholehearted purpose for founding Parenting For Wholeness.

(The good news is I'm now learning to re-parent myself so I can start living more like my daughters do. And I will soon be focusing a lot more on helping others do this as well, even though quite a bit of it does already happen in my Clean Parenting groups and in my one-on-one healing work. But that's a discussion for another time.)

I sincerely hope for you that you do have people in your life who you feel have your back.

I so lacked not having it in my life that it's something I focus on providing the moms I work with, especially those who have never experienced it before. So they can get a sense of what it feels like and start creating more of it in their day-to-day lives.

It's such an empowering experience to feel we have people rooting for us! We all deserve to have that, including you. ♥

Lots of love to you,
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Related articles:
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• 7 Problems with Avoiding Saying ‘No’ at all Costs
• Does Your Child FEEL That You're On His Team?
• The Amazing Power of True Empathy
• Being Honest And Authentic With Our Children: A Key To Building Trust!
• The Magic of Win-Win's in Your Family
• The Key to Well-Behaved Children Who Listen to You, While Fully Respecting Them
• Are You Treating Yourself In Ways You'd Never Dream Of Treating Your Children?​

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If you'd like some support in consistently parenting from a place of being on the same team as your children and in insuring your children grow up with a healthy sense of self (and would like to experience what it's like to have someone have your back for the 2 month duration of the program,) check out my Clean Parenting program.

I would LOVE to work with you if this program's right for you!

Here's what Amanda Lambert, from Australia, wrote of her experience of it:

"I am SO grateful that I did this course. This program is not just another parenting technique course, but is an in-depth exploration of how you see yourself and your children, and how you understand your role as a parent. My family life is so much more peaceful after completing Clean Parenting! My children are much more content and happy, and when they are having a meltdown, or are whining or upset, I know what I need to do to help them back to being calm and centered. And it works!!! As a result, we have a more trusting relationship. I feel much more confident in my parenting. I have changed from just wanting to be respectful, gentle, and effective to being a lot closer to living those daily.

I really felt that Eliane personally invested in seeing me grasp and live what she was teaching. I also loved the fact that she encouraged each of us in the course to figure out how the practices would look in our lives – there were no standard solutions – but each person was encouraged to figure out how to make life work in their particular family and context. The individualised, specific feedback to our issues and problems was very powerful, as was the participation in an open, honest group. I felt truly mentored and guided through applying the principles of parenting to my life – able to work on the nitty gritty, day-in, day-out interactions."