What's the single thing that most impacts your family, dear mama?
If you're like my family when my children still lived with me, and most of the parents I work with, it's how you yourself are doing.
If you're feeling frazzled, stressed, tired, etc, chances are your children's behaviors and moods as well as the general atmosphere of your home reflect that.
And when something needs to be dealt with, your response is much less likely to have the positive impact you wish than if you were doing well.
Whereas when your needs are met, when you feel good, you inject the atmosphere around your loved ones with positive energy, which they also tend to reflect, and you're able to respond to situations that come up in ways that are more likely to lead to harmony and resolution of challenges.
Do you see where I'm going there...?
Do you see that the most important thing you likely need to take into account this holiday season is making sure that you take care of yourself, find ways to meet your needs and rejuvenate when you get stressed?
And creating a holiday season that works for you so that you can remain within your Window of Tolerance (click here to gain some critical understanding and guidance on this essential topic) and therefore be the grounding and supportive parent that your children need in this emotionally charged season?
One thing that can easily throw us out of alignment with our needs during the holidays, and consequently negatively impact the whole family, is our sense of responsibility to others.
Sometimes we continue to or agree to do things that aren't a fit for us, by fear of disappointing people. We often even assume that they wouldn't be okay doing something differently, without even checking with them.
The only way that you and your family will thrive during the holiday season (as well as in your life in general) is if you take the time to identify your needs, what would work best for your family, and then have the courage to speak it to the people involved.
(I just found this great video that can provide you with some concrete guidance in doing so.)
I'm in no way implying that doing so is easy!
In fact, for many of the people I work with as well as myself, it's one of the hardest things we ever learn to do.
But it's also one of the most important ones, when it comes to caring for our families.
Standing up for yours and your nuclear family's needs is part of you owning your leader role in the family.
It is not your role to meet the needs and wishes of everyone around you.
Unless you've explicitly accepted responsibility for the wellbeing of a child who's not yours or an adult with diminished capacity, your ONLY true responsibility is to yourself and to your children, for whom you have inherently accepted responsibility by given birth to them and choosing to care for them during their childhoods.
You might love many of the adults in your life, your family members, even the children of some of them, and wish for their well being, but they are NOT your responsibility. Especially not at the expense of your well being and that of the people who truly are responsible for.
Some people, especially narcissists and emotionally immature people (click here to find out if you're dealing with unhealthy people,) might try to convince you that it's your job to do what they want you to.
They might try to shame you into it and use all kinds of other manipulation tactics to get what they want.
Those are people who care more about getting what they want (for example maintaining traditions that stress us) than they do about our well being and wishes, as well as those of our family.
Healthy and mature people will be open to hearing you and will care about your experience.
They'll look for win-win solutions with you and find a way to accept disappointment if they can get what they desire, instead of just insisting that they get their way no matter the cost to you.
They will honor your right to have boundaries and needs, and respect them.
If you and your family are to thrive, you need to create a life that works for you and your family, and this includes a holiday season that works for you.
This might not get the approval of everyone you care about in your life and might create ripples with unhealthy people in your life.
But the better you get at identifying the needs of your family and the more committed you become to meeting them, the more likely you are to all enjoy your life together and actually thrive. And the quicker the other adults in your life will accept and get a chance to respect your decisions and your needs.
Though the process of naming and standing up for your needs and boundaries will likely be a bit (or even a lot) messy at first, you will become more skilled at it over time and therefore the process will become smoother the more you practice it.
And it's the only way you can reach the state of family homeostasis which is my desire for all families and my explicit goal for the families I work with.
For a thorough discussion of four principles which, when used together, truly lead to astounding ease and harmony in families, request my FREE report:
"The Almost Magical Formula For Surprising Ease and Harmony in Your Family While Fully Honoring Your Children’s Spirits"
I hope I've inspired you to better care of your needs and those of your family over the next several days.
And to take some much needed time for yourself.
Whatever you want for your children and know they need, please always remember that you deserve and need it as well. ♥
And if you'd like my help in creating a life that really works for you and your children, where all of your needs are met, if you'd like support in setting needed boundaries with the people in your life, so your whole family can thrive, I'd love to start 2020 with you in my first Clean Parenting group of the next decade!
What if 2020 was the beginning of a whole new life for you and your family...?
This program often IS the beginning of a whole new life for participants in it.
(You can read many testimonials of it on the program page.)
Please email me (Eliane@ParentingForWholeness.com) to set up a time to chat if this speaks to you.
Happy holiday season, dear mama.
And please remember to do your best to treat yourself as well as you aspire to treat all others in your life during this busy time: with care, compassion, understanding, and realistic expectations.
Lots of love,♥
"Months after completing the course, I am still in awe over how my life has changed since participating in Eliane’s Clean Parenting program. It’s amazing, because I’m not *doing* much differently! *I* am different, and that’s what has shifted.
When signing up for this program, I wasn’t sure I actually needed it. I knew I was stuck and needed support. I’ve been practicing conscious parenting and doing deep work for years, though - how could an online course change much for me?
Well, I’m very glad I listened to my intuition and took the leap to commit to Eliane’s work. The clarity of the material, the masterful way it’s organized and presented, and the deep inquiry involved helped the pieces I’d gathered throughout the years click into a working whole.
I can finally *feel* what it’s like to be in that magical, harmonious place of true benevolent leadership and relationship with my kids, and I have the confidence, clarity, and steadiness to navigate conflict with ease and grace.
I highly recommend this course for all parents, no matter what season or skill level they’re parenting in, because it’s about self-exploration and digging deep into whatever it is you’re currently experiencing."
Kate Davis, Asheville USA, Star Place Photography