By Eliane Sainte-Marie, founder Parenting For Wholeness
About a year ago, I was exposed to a concept new to me, which has been a huge help in my work with families.
In helping moms:
- understand what's going on in their children as well as in themselves.
- in making it clear that it's not through any kind of behavior control that they'll make anything in their families better.
- in knowing how to address undesirable behaviors in their children as well as in themselves.
As the title of this article suggests, this valuable concept is our WINDOW OF TOLERANCE.
Which is beautifully explained in the wonderful video created by Beacon House, which I've embedded below for your easy access.
But one thing I want you to be aware of, before you watch it, is that though the video only speaks to children's Window of Tolerance, EVERYTHING COVERED IN IT APPLIES TO US ADULTS AS WELL!!
In order for a family to thrive, to attain and live in the state of homeostasis which I so want for all of my followers, every family member needs support in primarily living in and easily coming back into their Window of Tolerance.
So watch this important video and if it resonates with you, read below for some questions and guidance in putting its wisdom into practice in your family.
Doesn't this video make it crystal clear that when your child has some kind of meltdown, or is uncooperative, they shouldn't be punished nor enticed to change their behavior through a reward, but instead need love and care to bring them back within their Window of Tolerance?!?
And can you see how that's true for yourself as well?
To help you integrate this wisdom into how you function as a family, here are a 5 important questions you can ask, for each of children as well as for yourself:
- Do you think your child (you) lives mostly within her (your) Window of Tolerance?
- What needs frequently go unmet which throws her (you) outside of her (your) window of tolerance (WOT?)
- How could you go about better meeting those needs?
- What situations regularly throw her (you) out of your WOT?
- What changes could you make in her (your) life to live more consistently within it?
I also want to mention here that, if like myself and many of the moms I work with, you're highly sensitive (an HSP) and/or had a traumatic childhood or one in which many of your needs went unmet, it's possible that you've rarely even been in your Window of Tolerance.
That's you've only had glimpses of or lived very short periods within your WOT, and barely have a sense of what that could feel like.
If that's the case for you, then your primary work, in order to consistently be the mom you want to be to your children, is to figure out how to better meet your own needs, heal your wounds that constantly get triggered and bump you out of your Window of Tolerance, and get the support you need.
I hope that, like myself and many of my clients, you've found the concept of Window of Tolerance helpful to your life.
For the next few days, I'd encourage you to focus on looking at your children and yourself through the lens of your Window of Tolerance.
How differently do things look to you from that perspective..?
Lots of love,
If this article deeply resonates with you and you'd like some help in creating a life where both you and your children live within your Windows of Tolerance, I'd love to work with you!
This is what my Clean Parenting program is designed to do, and you can read many testimonials of moms whose lives have been transformed through doing this program here.
If you join me in that life changing journey, we'll dig deep into all the questions I posted above and many more, and figure out together how to get you to a place where you all increasing live within your WOT's, and achieve what I call family homeostasis.
Email me at Eliane@ParentingForWholeness.com if you're interested and would like to chat with me about if this program is right for you.
Related articles:
- What Is Family Homeostasis? (And why it's important for you to know)
- Are You Treating Yourself In Ways You'd Never Dream Of Treating Your Children?
- The #1 Question to Ask When Your Child 'Misbehaves'
- The Importance Of Focusing On Meeting Needs - Audio
- Could Your Struggle Just Be Caused By An Unrealistic Expectation?
- The Biggest Mistake The Most Caring Moms Make
- The Secret Most Moms Don't Talk About