Noticing the Anxiety

Guest post by Alexandra Harris
Parenting for Wholeness Parenting Coach

Why the lovely feeling of connection and peace that social media is talking about might not be happening in your family right now. 
​(Catchy title, I know!)
 
It is all very well imagining cosy days of tucking up together reading stories and watching films, enjoying the slow pace of life, and soaking up all this wonderful connecting time with our children. 
 
But what if, despite our best efforts to achieve this state of connected bliss, our children are quite frankly revolting? Whiny and controlling and demanding and angry and sulky and everything else all day long?
 
How on earth are we meant to cosy up on the sofa with them when they feel the need to continuously kick their sibling under the blanket, or complain loudly that they didn’t get to choose the film the entire time it is playing?
 
How do we read stories when they are in some hyperactive irrational place and need to keep emptying pots of small beads around the room while laughing manically and appearing not even to hear the pleas to stop?
 
We are exhausting ourselves attempting to exercise them properly, and feed them properly, and educate them (vaguely), and Facebook is full of a thousand and seventeen fun things to do with your child during isolation, all of which our child wants to do immediately and then loses focus equally immediately.
 
Why can’t we have peace and connection too??
 
Well, I am going to suggest that the root cause of this behaviour for a large number of children is likely to be anxiety.
 
“But my child does NOT look anxious!” I hear you cry.
 
And that is completely true.  An anxious child very often does not fit our picture of what an anxious child is supposed to look like.  It is not actually very common to find an anxious child being quiet, and shy, with a worried expression and a series of worried questions for us. 
 
It is MUCH more common to find an anxious child who is loud and angry and aggressive, and thug like.  To find ourselves as parents struggling not to say the words ‘spoilt’ and ‘ungrateful’.  An anxious child might be silly and annoying and spend their time deliberately irritating everyone.  Or they might appear controlling and overbearing, interrupting everyone else’s activities, and insisting we do things their way.
 
Anxiety is an emotion that children find very difficult to identify.  It is hard for them to be aware that they are feeling it, or to be able to admit that they are feeling it.  Their energy is poured into battles about what to wear, or what to do, or where they can or can’t go, or literally anything they can possibly have a battle over.  And it is very, very hard as parents to step back and see that the battles are not actually what it is all about.  That the battles are just a symptom and while we keep engaging with the battles we don’t get anywhere at all.
 
So we need to work on understanding what is going on underneath.
 
Right now it is so very easy for our children to be anxious.  And there are two main reasons for this.
 
Firstly, there is anxiety all around them.  Emotions are contagious. Our subconscious midbrains are expert communicators, and our children are fluent in this language.  So when we feel anxious (and a very large number of us are currently feeling at least some degree of anxiety), we give off signals that we might be completely unaware of, but our children pick them up as easily as if we have spoken them aloud.
The news is everywhere.  It comes to us on our phones, our computers, our televisions, our radios.  We need to make a concerted effort to prevent ourselves from becoming overwhelmed by it all, and yet we need to keep a degree of information coming in so that we know what the current regulations are.  We cannot help but be exposed to it. And our children are exposed to it alongside us. If at any time we manage to get our anxiety levels to dip a little, the news is sure to top them up again.
 
Secondly, as humans, we all have a basic need for a certain level of predictability in our lives.  Some of us need higher levels of predictability than others.  But we all need some. 
And for our children, all of their predictability has just vanished.  Their schools have closed, their parks and playgrounds have closed.  They don’t see their friends.  They don’t play their sports or go to their clubs or activities.  Their food looks different as we struggle to get hold of the usual ingredients.  Their holidays have been cancelled. Their Easter plans to see family have been postponed indefinitely. 
And critically, nobody knows how long this is going to go on for. 
When they ask us when they can see Granny again, or when we can go to ballet, our only answer is that we don’t know.
And suddenly they have nothing to look forward to.  Nothing to anticipate.  Nothing to count down the days for, and get excited about.  The only thing in their future is this indistinct idea that one day they’ll be able to do all the things they are missing right now.  But no concrete idea of when that might be.
They have no predictability.  
 
So it is no wonder that our children might be struggling. What can we do to help?
 
Here is my list:

1. We can start with recognising where we are. We simply notice the anxiety in ourselves and in our children.
2. We can allow for where we are right now. We can accept that life is likely to look a little messy for a while.  We can allow for us all to have limited patience, limited tolerance, limited energy. We don’t need to have it all worked out just yet.
3. We can reduce the influx of anxiety. We can cut off the news channels, and protect ourselves and children from the constant updates.
4. We can remember that we are individuals, and think about the particular things that each of us find soothing. For some of us schedules might be helpful, and for others of us letting go of the pressure of schedules might be helpful. 
5. We can remember that our children are individuals and each of them might find different things soothing.
6. We can proactively choose to engage in those activities (or lack of activities) that feel good to us, and help our children to do the same.
7. When we notice a battle developing, we can choose to engage with the feelings underneath, instead of the details of the battle. My favourite mantra is: “Speak to what they are feeling, not to what they are saying.”
8. We can give them a few things to look forward to. In this fluid time of no deadlines and instant availability, assign some random dates and times to activities.  Plan a film watching session on Friday evening.  Plan a skype call with Grandpa on Tuesday. Keep it low key and manageable.
9. We can keep hold of some fundamental boundaries.  Hold onto the things that help our children feel safe.
10. We can look for ways for everyone to have a degree of autonomy. When anxiety rises, and predictability drops, we all tend to have an increased need for control.

 
There is a lot packed into these 10 steps, and we don’t need to tackle them all at once. I am going to go into a lot more detail around each of these steps in coming posts, so if you want to know more then just like and follow this page. 
 
If you want more support, join the Parenting for Wholeness Quick Start program which will give you access to ongoing coaching from me as well as regular support calls by Eliane Sainte-Marie.
 
For now, if you can manage just the first two steps in the list, noticing and allowing, then this will go a long way to helping you all cope.  
These are strange and challenging times. Our children need plenty of understanding and acceptance right now.
And so do we. 
 

​​Alexandra Harris is a UK based parent to two children and a dog.

She is a veterinary surgeon as well as a parenting coach, working in the UK as a CalmFamily consultant at CalmFamily Hampshire, and has been part of the Parenting for Wholeness family since 2016, supporting parents in the Parenting for Wholeness Tribe Facebook group and coaching them through the Quick Start Program. 

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Related resources:

• Understanding the Window of Tolerance - Yours And Your Children's
  
• Are You Treating Yourself In Ways You'd Never Dream Of Treating Your Children?
  
• Video by Eliane and daughter Cassandra: Parenting and Homeschooling Guidance During Lockdown
  
• The Amazing Power of True Empathy
• Why Children Need to Experience Feelings of Futility​
• The Importance of Acceptance and Mourning in Parenting​