Could Your Struggle Just Be Caused By An Unrealistic Expectation?

7/10/2014

By Eliane Sainte-Marie, founder of Parenting For Wholeness

When I'm out, I often see struggles happen between parents and children which are simply caused by the parent having an unrealistic expectation.

This makes me so sad for both of them!!!

Could Your Struggle Just Be Caused By An Unrealistic Expectation? By Eliane of Parenting For Wholeness - Peaceful parenting that works, heals, and changes the world

What I'm talking about here are struggles where if the expectations, the environment or the circumstances were changed, the conflict or difficulty for the parent would completely disappear.

It makes me incredibly sad to witness those struggles, tears and fights which would never even show up in a different family simply because the parent's expectations are in alignment with what’s realistic for a child that age, of that temperament or in that situation.

One thing that’s guided my parenting and has been so helpful to me has been to look at my children from an evolutionary perspective.

What has been normal for most of humanity, but has completely changed in the last centuries (or even decade!) and now leads us to having completely unrealistic expectations of our children.

Here are some examples:

For most of humanity, babies have been carried until they could walk and slept with their moms, for safety. Expecting them to be happy and thrive if they sit in a cold hard seat during the day and sleep away from human contact is not realistic.
For most of humanity, babies have nursed on demand, and for several years. Expecting them to feed on a schedule or easily wean before they’re ready is not realistic.
For most of humanity, children have been around lots of people of all ages, living in tribes. Expecting children to be happy and thrive at home alone with mom is not realistic.
For most of humanity, children have learned from observing what others were doing and then doing it themselves. Expecting children to happily and cooperatively sit in classrooms and be interested in what’s decided for them that they should learn is not realistic.
For most of humanity children only had a handful of objects/toys to play with. Expecting them to be able to manage and clean up hundreds of them, including many of them with loads of little pieces like Lego's and Barbie's is unrealistic.
For most of humanity, food was REAL food. Expecting children to be able to regulate their diet when presented with addictive substances such as sugar and processed foods (which happen to be advertised everywhere by experts who are trained in convincing your children that eating it will be the best experience of their life!) is unrealistic.
For most of humanity, there were no such things as addictive screens. Expecting children to be able to healthily regulate their use of screens is not realistic.

And here are more situations where I often see parents struggle because they don't have a realistic expectation for their child:

Toddlers are just babies on wheels. Their development is all about learning about their world through touch, and developing their gross motor functions. Expecting a 1 year old to not stand on chairs for example, or not touch objects in his environment is not realistic.
Children have a huge need to be active (some more than others.) Not taking this into account, including their specific temperament, can lead to many unrealistic expectations.
Children have a huge need for social interactions (again some more than others.) Not taking this into account, including their specific temperament, and making sure children's social needs are met, can lead to many unrealistic expectations of children being well-behaved at home for extended periods of time. (Though some toddlers are also very happy being home with mom, and as long as mom enjoys it too and everyone's happy, there's no need to force socialization.)
Children need the freedom and respect to make their own decisions, unless they impact the rest of the family. Expecting them to let you make decisions for them or be open to your input if you don’t primarily give them control over their own life can lead to loads of problems and conflicts. (Click here for an article on this subject.)`
Children need support in processing strong emotions. Expecting them to behave appropriately in the midst of strong emotions, without the underlying cause of the behavior being addressed and before they reach a certain level of emotional maturity (which, to be honest, in our society, most adults don't reach themselves, just some sad form of emotional suppression) is unrealistic.
Children have their own agenda, are their own person. Another expectation that parents (people!) often have that gets them in trouble is that their children have or should have the same agenda as they have. Which of course is not true because we all have different priorities, interests, desires.

Developing realistic expectations of our children can go a LONG way in preventing struggles in our families!

And similarly as with our children, a lot of the pain and stress that we experience as parents comes from the fact that we don’t have realistic expectations of OURSELVES.

And because we’re caught up in what we think we should be doing, or how we think we should be, we don’t proactively address the real problem.

Where in your parenting do you have unrealistic expectations of yourself?

If you have a hard time seeing it, imagine that the situations with which you struggle are happening to a dear friend of yours, who’s a great parent.

Seriously, picture someone you know and value. From that lens, can you spot some unrealistic expectations?

What insights have you had as a result of reading this article?

Is there anything that you can see changing in your family as a result of it?

Take a few minutes to journal about it!

I'd also love to read your comments and insights if you post them below!

Lots of love,

Did you enjoy this perspective?

Then I suggest that you request my FREE report.

It describes the four essential principles I teach, which when used together, truly lead to astounding ease and harmony in families.

WANNA GIVE BACK? Did you get value from this article? If so I would be incredibly grateful if you could share this article with your friends on Facebook (below) or Pinterest. I would LOVE help spreading the word about my work to people who could be positively impacted by it!

SUGGESTIONS: If you liked this article, you may also enjoy:

For help in parenting in alignment with your children's natural makeup, check out my

QUICK START PROGRAM!

This article is part of Module 3’s assignment, in which you’re asked to ponder this concept, work on applying it to each of the items on the list of challenging situations you created at the beginning of the program, and get to exchange about it with all the other committed parents in the Facebook group who are also working through the program alongside you.

Could Your Struggle Just Be Caused By An Unrealistic Expectation?

16 Comments

Shonnie link

7/8/2014 12:42:14 pm

Eliane, I think you share some great ideas here for all of us parents. Another expectation, or perhaps a broad one from which many others flow, is that children should adapt to our lives rather than us making real space for them. I know there are many reasons why people put children in daycare, or wean them early, or seek to potty train them by a given age, yet I think that many parents are expecting their children to "slot into" the family instead of doing all they can to adjust the family to a more child-honoring way of life for the first few years. On the other side, I think we often do have unrealistic expectations of ourselves as parents...at least I know I do. Thank you for sharing your wisdom!!

Eliane Sainte-Marie

4/6/2015 11:47:28 pm

Shonnie, I'm re-looking at this article as I'm including it as a reading in my 15 Day Challenge, and I will edit the article to include your point. Thank you my friend!

Anana

8/16/2014 06:27:55 am

How do I get in contact with other positive parents in my area? I work full time and would like to know how other parents are leveraging the positive methods with care givers

8/16/2014 11:41:18 pm

Where do you live Anana?

Jen

4/18/2015 08:21:19 pm

Great article, definitely interesting to think about.

Also you should discuss how whole family/tribe raised the children or at least helped, now moms expected to mother, teach, make babyfood, teach sign language, etc you name it often solo if family far away.

4/18/2015 09:10:34 pm

Thank you Jen! And yes, that's a great point, which actually deserves its whole article, and which I have MUCH to say about!

Evi link

4/29/2015 02:06:09 am

Hello Eliane ,
I just found your website and i really love it !! It totally resonates with me . I agree with all the above but I have a question.

"For most of humanity, children have been around lots of people of all ages, living in tribes. Expecting children to be happy and thrive at home alone with mom is not realistic."
I agree with this statement completely the thing is that my current situation is to live in a house with 3 connected houses with the same yard. Which means that the children play freely outside my children with their cousins.
However when the cousins are not there my 3 year old cries and cries. The only question i hear the whole day is where are they ... he goes from one yard to another the whole day and as a consequence i have noticed he gets really irritated and more frustrated . When I keep him in a schedule lets say we eat, we play, we get some rest, we see our cousins and then we go back home and not every time , he is calmer and more cooperative. When he is outside the whole day going back and forth he is less cooperative and more whinny.

4/29/2015 02:49:39 am

So I don't have a clear answer for you here.

A few thoughts:

- How clear and benevolent of a leader you are. He may be lacking the grounding from this, which doesn't really matter when he's happily occupied, but plays out as soon as he isn't. Check out this article for more on this:

The Key to Well-Behaved Children Who Listen to You, While Fully Respecting Them

http://www.coachingforwholeness.com/blog/the-key-to-well-behaved-children-who-listen-to-you-while-fully-respecting-them

- A really important thing when he can't have what he wants is to provide empathy, to acknowlege his feelings. This helps him process the disappointment and any other negative feelings. It's often pretty magical how quickly it works. Here's an article on this as well:

Make a huge difference in the happiness of your children with this incredibly simple but powerful tip!

http://www.coachingforwholeness.com/blog/one-simple-and-powerful-tip-to-make-your-life-easier-and-your-child-happier

Jane Kent

10/5/2015 12:59:08 pm

Thanks for this article. Long befor I knew about "attachment parenting" many of the items in your list seemed, well natural to me. I could not help but nurse on demand, co-sleep, understand that a toddler is not capable of following all of the "be still" rules.

But even today I feel alone (thanks again for your article!) from my elders, parents, even friends. Is there a group for like minded parents? I am in the Raleigh NC area!!

Eliane

10/6/2015 09:55:32 pm

How lovely that your instincts were so strong that you naturally practiced attachment parenting without any introduction or support for it! I'm so impressed!

I know that there are many Facebook groups for attachment parents, but am not familiar with local ones. As my fan base grows, I'm looking for a way to connect all of you, as I hear the same loneliness and lack of support from so many and am guessing you might have neighbours who are also on my list or Facebook page, longing to connect with you as well.

Have you checked Meetup, for local groups? If you're interested in online communities, I can totally hook you up. Just let me know!

And keep up the good work. Your children are very lucky to have such a natural attuned mom!

Warmly,

Eliane

Christine

8/4/2017 11:26:30 am

Hi! Regarding the tribe and how children shouldn't be home exclusively with mom. I have a 2 year old and I still have babysitters come to the house. He has had 1 play date with another toddler his age so far. He goes to tumble time 1 x a week for over a year now and plays along side lots of kids in the class. We take him with us wherever we go and he hangs out with lots of adults. He's been around more adults than children or toddlers his age. I let him explore around the house. He knows how to climb on the kitchen counter now. :) I feel uncomfortable sending him to daycare because he doesn't communicate very well yet and not potty trained. I have nanny cams and feel more comfortable if people come to my house to watch him. There have been times when my friend or grandma will watch him at their house. But while my husband and I are at work, I prefer our house. I'm thinking that I have to up his playdates more. I also would like to get your thoughts about daycares and preschools. I am an attached parent who doesn't believe in desks and think a lot of kids have problems learning in the current public school system and are classified as problem kids when in reality they just need a different way to learn. So I've read that kids shouldnt be enrolled in school until 6. However yes play = learning and maybe a preschool would be beneficial to him. Do you suggest Montessori? Im thinking as long as he is playing that's a good thing. And playing along side other kids his age is a good thing. Im I "keeping him back" by keeping him at home with babysitters until hes 3 or older? Ive read something you wrote once and I believe you homeschooled. I wont be able to do that since I have to work full time and don't know of other homeschoolers in the area to ask. But is homeschooling keeping them away from the tribe?

8/5/2017 11:34:10 am

It sounds like you're doing an amazing job, Christine, and that all your instincts are spot on. I would continue to keep him at home with respectful caregivers to whom he's attached to, over a daycare situation. I think it's helpful to think of children's evolutionary needs as a guideline. So if you notice your son is not as happy as he used to be, or seems more demanding than he used to, it might be a sign to bring him to the playground a bit more often and/or to create more playdates for him.

Unless necessary because the parents work and can't afford in home care, I don't recommend daycares or preschools for young children. If you feel like he needs more social encounters, I'd focus on creating personal ones.

And this drive for children to learn is so detrimental to them! If you just allow them to explore on their own, in their own way, and include him in your activities when he wants to, he'll learn what he needs to.

As far as schools, I definitely encourage Sudbury, Forest schools, Montessori (though make sure they truly follow the teachings of Maria Montessori and aren't just using the name and a few of her ideas) or Waldorf over public schools.

Keep up the good and just ignore the well-intended but mostly unhelpful advice out there. Your inner guidance is spot on. ☺

Hannah

12/4/2017 09:10:57 am

What's so bad about preschool? Our 3 yr old goes twice a week for a few hours and loves it. However, if it was all day I think that would be too much.

I'm all for getting your kids out to play with other kids - but "scheduling" is not easy to do on a consistent weekly basis either.

I do agree that it may not be "ideal" for children to sit and learn what someone wants to teach them (or at least for the amount of hours they do) but obviously most kids go to school and many 'do' enjoy it and look forward to it.

So am curious as to what you suggest or why you felt this point was important to mention in your article? Care to elaborate? Suggesting homeschooling? Thanks.

Jose Truzman

11/30/2017 11:14:46 am

Dear Eliane,

Thank you for this great article! It found it was very adequately put and really resonated with me.

I do have one question regarding one of the expectations, you mentioned that "Children need to be taught how to appropriately handle their emotions" looking at the reasoning you follow throughout the article, why do you believe we need to teach our children to appropriately manage their emotions? This is probably not true for all other animals and children in tribes.

Appreciate your time reading this, and look forward to hearing from you!

Have a magical day! :)

12/4/2017 08:34:17 am

I like some of these recommendations however..

For the sake of "healthy balance" ... what do you consider a "realistic" balance as far as behavior? If you keep allowing certain behavior from kids, not putting them in them in timeout, etc they will run the show and wear parents out too.

I disagree with the cleaning up part. If they make a mess they can learn to clean it up or at least try the best they can. I think it's important to teach kids this around the age of 4 - as parents would never stop cleaning.

I DID agree with the point about what they eat. For instance, It's a lot to ask them to Constantly eat bland food or anywhere close to the current recommendations for sugar.

You can only feed your kid plain oatmeal with berries but for so long without adding honey, etc. Kids simply will not eat most vegetables either. Your right the foods, deserts, are in their faces, esp at schools too.

I wIsh the emphasis would be on being active and "adding in healthier foods" and not worrying about the junk. Any thoughts on this??

11/14/2023 01:37:14 am

Hi!
When reading I first wondered if it’s natural and nurturing for my toddler living most time with me together at home or in nature. We do many walks or are outside and also visit friends… I think he actually enjoys himself. I do enjoy us most of the time, but there are difficult times as well.

When reading that Screens are addictive I had to laugh - I am very good with foods yet I tend to be Screen addicted.

Also an unrealistic expectation as I just notice is our elimination communication. I expect it to just work. When I imagined my best friend, an amazing mother, in my situation, she is much more relaxed and loving with the potty training, not really expecting anything just doing it.

Thanks Eliane, much love!
Clara