Could Your Struggle Just Be Caused By An Unrealistic Expectation?

By Eliane Sainte-Marie, founder of Parenting For Wholeness

When I'm out, I often see struggles happen between parents and children which are simply caused by the parent having an unrealistic expectation.

This makes me so sad for both of them!!!
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What I'm talking about here are struggles where if the expectations, the environment or the circumstances were changed, the conflict or difficulty for the parent would completely disappear.

It makes me incredibly sad to witness those struggles, tears and fights which would never even show up in a different family simply because the parent's expectations are in alignment with what’s realistic for a child that age, of that temperament or in that situation.

One thing that’s guided my parenting and has been so helpful to me has been to look at my children from an evolutionary perspective. 

What has been normal for most of humanity, but has completely changed in the last centuries (or even decade!) and now leads us to having completely unrealistic expectations of our children.

Here are some examples:
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• For most of humanity, babies have been carried until they could walk and slept with their moms, for safety. Expecting them to be happy and thrive if they sit in a cold hard seat during the day and sleep away from human contact is not realistic.
• For most of humanity, babies have nursed on demand, and for several years. Expecting them to feed on a schedule or easily wean before they’re ready is not realistic.
• For most of humanity, children have been around lots of people of all ages, living in tribes. Expecting children to be happy and thrive at home alone with mom is not realistic.
• For most of humanity, children have learned from observing what others were doing and then doing it themselves. Expecting children to happily and cooperatively sit in classrooms and be interested in what’s decided for them that they should learn is not realistic.
• For most of humanity children only had a handful of objects/toys to play with. Expecting them to be able to manage and clean up hundreds of them, including many of them with loads of little pieces like Lego's and Barbie's is unrealistic.
• For most of humanity, food was REAL food. Expecting children to be able to regulate their diet when presented with addictive substances such as sugar and processed foods (which happen to be advertised everywhere by experts who are trained in convincing your children that eating it will be the best experience of their life!) is unrealistic.
• For most of humanity, there were no such things as addictive screens. Expecting children to be able to healthily regulate their use of screens is not realistic.

And here are more situations where I often see parents struggle because they don't have a realistic expectation for their child:

• Toddlers are just babies on wheels. Their development is all about learning about their world through touch, and developing their gross motor functions. Expecting a 1 year old to not stand on chairs for example, or not touch objects in his environment is not realistic.
• Children have a huge need to be active (some more than others.) Not taking this into account, including their specific temperament, can lead to many unrealistic expectations.
• Children have a huge need for social interactions (again some more than others.) Not taking this into account, including their specific temperament, and making sure children's social needs are met, can lead to many unrealistic expectations of children being well-behaved at home for extended periods of time. (Though some toddlers are also very happy being home with mom, and as long as mom enjoys it too and everyone's happy, there's no need to force socialization.)
• Children need the freedom and respect to make their own decisions, unless they impact the rest of the family. Expecting them to let you make decisions for them or be open to your input if you don’t primarily give them control over their own life can lead to loads of problems and conflicts. (Click here for an article on this subject.)`
• Children need support in processing strong emotions. Expecting them to behave appropriately in the midst of strong emotions, without the underlying cause of the behavior being addressed and before they reach a certain level of emotional maturity (which, to be honest, in our society, most adults don't reach themselves, just some sad form of emotional suppression) is unrealistic.
• Children have their own agenda, are their own person. Another expectation that parents (people!) often have that gets them in trouble is that their children have or should have the same agenda as they have. Which of course is not true because we all have different priorities, interests, desires.

Developing realistic expectations of our children can go a LONG way in preventing struggles in our families!

And similarly as with our children, a lot of the pain and stress that we experience as parents comes from the fact that we don’t have realistic expectations of OURSELVES.

And because we’re caught up in what we think we should be doing, or how we think we should be, we don’t proactively address the real problem. 

Where in your parenting do you have unrealistic expectations of yourself? 

If you have a hard time seeing it, imagine that the situations with which you struggle are happening to a dear friend of yours, who’s a great parent. 

Seriously, picture someone you know and value. From that lens, can you spot some unrealistic expectations?

What insights have you had as a result of reading this article?

Is there anything that you can see changing in your family as a result of it?

Take a few minutes to journal about it!

I'd also love to read your comments and insights if you post them below!

Did you enjoy this perspective?

Then I suggest that you request my FREE report: The Almost Magical Formula For Surprising Ease and Harmony in Your Family While Fully Honoring Your  Children’s Spirits.

It describes the four essential principles I teach, which when used together, truly lead to astounding ease and harmony in families.

Click Here to Request The Report

WANNA GIVE BACK? Did you get value from this article? If so I would be incredibly grateful if you could share this article with your friends on Facebook (below) or Pinterest. I would LOVE help spreading the word about my work to people who could be positively impacted by it! 
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SUGGESTIONS: If you liked this article, you may also enjoy:

• The Key to Well-Behaved Children Who Listen to You, While Fully Respecting Them
• The #1 Question to Ask When Your Child 'Misbehaves'
• How Do I Stop Myself Midway When I'm Triggered?
• Does Your Child FEEL That You're On His Team?
• Do You Believe Your Children Want to Do the Right Thing?
• Would You Like This for Your Children? One Family's Results of Natural Parenting

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For help in parenting in alignment with your children's natural makeup, check out my
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This article is part of Module 3’s assignment, in which you’re asked to ponder this concept, work on applying it to each of the items on the list of challenging situations you created at the beginning of the program, and get to exchange about it with all the other committed parents in the Facebook group who are also working through the program alongside you.