I have some wonderful news for you mama!
You know that child of yours who gets you sooooo frustrated?
Makes you lose your shit?
Makes you sometimes behave and react in ways you promised yourself you’d never do? Maybe in the way your own parents did, which you absolutely HATE that you do?
That child who is sometimes so freakin difficult to parent?
Seems to pick up on any negative mood you have, and then reacts to it?
Seems to pick up on any inner conflict you have when you try to get him to do something and fights you to death to get what she wants?
Those children are not actually here to make your life miserable!!
On the contrary, they are here to free you so you can live in a way that you never imagined possible.
They are your angels, leading you back to your own wholeness.
They are here to help you, to guide you to your true life, how you were meant to live.
HOW YOUR CHALLENGING CHILDREN ARE YOUR ANGELS
One thing I've realized, through decades of working with women (starting in the early 90's in La Leche League,) is that many moms are willing to put up with the excruciating pain and limitations of their unresolved issues, their baggage, as long as they’re only affecting them.
Because they don’t feel deserving of thriving, or don’t believe that it’s possible.
And because, like I did up until 2016, they generally spend their lives trying to ‘fix themselves’ into who they think they should be, and trying to ignore or even suppress their feelings and needs.
But, ONCE THEY REALIZE their issues are negatively impacting their parenting and therefore their children, then they become motivated to heal themselves.
To doing the work that will lead them to happiness and to thriving, for their children.
Only once they realize it will benefit others in their lives do they feel deserving of spending attention, time and resources in taking care of and healing themselves.
What I observe time and time again is that women sign up for my Clean Parenting program because they want to become better moms.
Want to stop yelling.
Desperately want to parent their children in a way that feels right and good to them.
Many of them are petrified that their children will grow up feeling the way they did,
And throughout program, they start realizing that the only way they can achieve those deeply heartfelt goals and longings is for them to start:
And once they really, deeply, get that, then they start doing the needed work to meet their needs. Start giving themselves what they've been striving to give their children since birth.
And start THRIVING...
This is why I've come to view challenging children as our angels who, if we're ready to do the work, will lead to some massive healing in ourselves, which we never would have done had we not birthed that special child and committed ourselves to doing whatever is needed to show up with them in a clean way.
For a detailed discussion of Clean Parenting, request my FREE report
The Almost Magical Formula For Surprising Ease and Harmony in Your Family While
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FOR SOME MOMS ONLY EXTREMELY CHALLENGING CHILDREN CAN LEAD TO THIS HEALING
And here's something else I've realized, since working intensively with hundreds of women in my Clean Parenting program in the last five years.
Some children provide a pretty wide margin of ‘error’ in terms of how they are parented, in order to thrive and be relatively easy to be around.
While others require our parenting to be fully on point. These children will be affected by the most minute lack of attunement to their needs, the most minute disconnection, or negative emotion in the parent.
Though those numbers are very arbitrary, and there are endless variations within the spectrum, here’s how I’ve come to see the various types of children:
This last category of children will pick up on the slightest thing that’s off, anywhere in their inner world, the world of their mom, caregiver or anyone around them, or their life in general, and will be deeply affected by it.
These children have an extremely low window of tolerance, and need our full support in order to grow it as much as possible.
I bless the moms who have one of those children, because I know how incredibly challenging it can be.
Actually, I don’t truly know, and I don’t know how I would have survived if I had had one of the children from that last category.
The most challenging child I had, at least in the early years (as in the first 14ish years of parenting ☺), was an HSP. But because she was my youngest and I never had a younger one to take my primary focus away from her, it was relatively easy to meet her needs.
I could also fully relate to her because I’m also an HSP, therefore fully understood where she was coming from, and I was deeply committed to giving her what I knew I had needed and didn’t receive (and was still not receiving at that point in my life.)
HOW TO MOVE FORWARD WITH THESE CHILDREN
For the moms of those most challenging children, the way I see that they can thrive is by:
1) receiving a lot of support to process all the feelings that raising those children have triggered, including any PTSD symptoms they might be experiencing (though that term might sound extreme for what you've experienced, it truly can have that effect on parents.)
2) get some skilled support to bring their parenting to a really clean place, and
3) to then do the healing work around what those children might be mirroring in them.
(That is exactly the kind of support I provide moms in my Clean Parenting program. If you’re interested in being guided in this healing process, check out the program page. My next group starts October 14th and I would LOVE to work with you if this program is right for you!)
What really excites me about this beautiful setup is that for some moms, simple good parenting is enough for some of their children to be happy, to have some sense of ease in their relationships with them.
So it takes that child who's just extra challenging to force them to do the inner healing work and to take their own experience seriously, because that child picks up on and mirrors any way in which the woman has unresolved issues and unmet needs.
This is why I consider our challenging children, especially the most difficult ones with whom what works with others doesn't work, our angels.
Because without them, we'd never do that work.
Is it possible to completely shift challenging children’s behaviors by doing our own work? I cannot tell you for sure.
But here is what I CAN tell you: When we clear our own stuff, people around us AUTOMATICALLY shift. When we heal something in ourselves, it frees our children from it too.
Here’s an example of it from my life:
My daughter Gaby used to be extremely dramatic. When she was about 12 years old, I attended a spiritual retreat that had a significant impact on my well-being and level of inner peace. In fact, I overheard my partner tell someone on the phone a few days after I returned: “It’s really amazing: there is just no more drama in Eliane!”
The very next day, Gaby, completely unaware of my partner’s new experience of me, came to me and said, “You know, Mom, I’m really tired of all the drama at school, and I’ve just decided that I’m not going to take part in it anymore.”
There had been NO discussions in the house about drama. Just by freeing myself I freed her up as well. And because the work I had done was deep, the drama never came back in Gaby OR me.
And I see this phenomenon still happening with my daughters now that they’re in their 20's, even though they no longer live with me!
I’ve been on the most intense healing journey in the last 3 ½ years, after having a complete breakdown in 2016. And as I heal wounds, learn to show up with more integrity, honoring of myself, my feelings and my needs, fully embodied, setting boundaries and speaking up for myself, I see similar shifts in my girls that are hard to attribute to anything other than my having freed and healed it in my own life.
It’s so hope giving!!!
How does it make you feel hearing that?
Hopefully, it makes you feel encouraged. And motivates you to take better care of yourself, to focus on meeting your needs, and to do the tough work to heal yourself from the wounds, triggers and conditioning that not only make your life miserable but prevent you from being the mom you long to be to your children, and get mirrored in them.
And if you want my help in it, well, I’ve made it my life’s work to figure out how to help women in it, and it turns out I’m really successful in it. So email me and we’ll see if and how I can help you (Eliane@ParentingForWholeness.com.)
Meanwhile, dear mama, always remember that you matter just as much as your children do, and that you deserve to take really good care of yourself too. ♥
Lots of love,
"DOING THE CLEAN PARENTING PROGRAM WAS ON PAR FOR CHANGING MY LIFE AS HAVING MY FIRST CHILD."
Here's what Kristen Phillips, of Cottage Grove Oregon, wrote of her journey to finding her way through parenting and working with me.
"I’m not sure I can quite put into words exactly what Eliane and her programs have done for me. When my first son was born, my world completely changed. So many things that I thought I knew suddenly didn’t make sense, and philosophies I believed in no longer resonated. His arrival shook everything up.
As I ferociously searched the internet to try to find some “parenting style” that did feel good to me, I came across The Continuum Concept. When I found it and started reading it, I could feel that this was THE book I was looking for. My whole body relaxed once it was in my hands and I started digesting it. As much as I loved that book, I could tell pretty quickly that I was going to need help applying it in this modern world. As I got back on the internet to find that someone, I of course came across Eliane’s work. And while reading the first article of hers I found, I again got that familiar feeling of this is THE person. Every single word she wrote seemed to hit straight to my heart, and I was like “yes! this is 100% it!”
Once my son got old enough, I did the Clean Parenting Course. Doing that course was on par for changing my life as having my first child. It's like someone finally helped me unlock my soul and helped me really see what the possibilities of life, love and relationships were. I felt I had the keys to becoming the mother and person I was destined to become, I learned so much about myself during that course.
Since then, I have worked intimately with Eliane and done the Deep Healing Program and Clean Relationships Program along with many, many healing sessions. Eliane has become somewhat of a “fairy godmother” in my life- someone who really gets me, is on my team, and is continually helping to guide me back to my greatest source of strength- myself. Between Eliane and the Sisterhood group, I feel like I have someone whom I wholeheartedly trust holding my hand along my journeys of parenting and life.
My life, my children’s lives and my husband’s life have all been impacted in the best way possible. I will forever be grateful for Eliane and her continual support. She has really become like part of my family and I cannot imagine my life without her and her work."