Parenting For Wholeness Blog

Being Honest And Authentic With Our Children: A Key To Building Trust!

11/6/2017

By Eliane, founder Parenting For Wholeness

Being Honest And Authentic With Our Children: A Key To Building Trust! By ELIANE, Parenting For Wholeness.

A lot of parents are puzzled by how to get children to listen to them, do what they need to do, behave appropriately, without using any kind of punishments or rewards, without any manipulation and coercion.

Without even, as I recommend, ever using the word 'rule.' (Stay tuned for a full article on this soon. Click here if you're not already on my email list, to be sure not to miss it.)

One key condition that needs to be in place for this to happen is that THEY HAVE TO TRUST YOU.

Your children's deep trust in you is one of the most powerful tools you have to influence them.

And possibly the only real one left once they are teens and you no longer have much control over them.

So how do you develop that trust?

I've written about some of those ways before:

Having realistic expectations
Being a clear and benevolent leader
Trusting THEM
Being on their team
Addressing the underlying cause of their behaviors and providing support instead of just controlling behaviors

But the one I want to focus on today, is one that blew the mind of a mom I'm currently working with in my Clean Parenting program, when she came yesterday to the module on "How To Express Yourself When Guiding Your Children."

And made me realize it was time for me to write an article on it.

This key to having your children trust you and want to listen to your guidance is BEING HONEST AND AUTHENTIC with your children!

Here's an excerpt from my Clean Parenting module that teaches this topic:

Be honest.

Whenever you state an opinion or a potential consequence as a “truth,” you’re damaging your credibility with your child, as well as her trust in you. You’re also teaching her to be manipulative in order to get a result she wants.

This is so rampant in our society that you may not even be aware it’s happening.

Examples of it are:

“Your teeth will rot if you don’t brush them.”

“You won’t be healthy if you eat this.”

“You’ll die of cancer if you smoke.”

“You need to wear a bike helmet to stay safe.”

The truth is that YOU DON’T KNOW IF THAT IS TRUE!

Some proofs of that:

My daughter with the healthiest teeth of the family is the one who took the least care of them.

Some people are incredibly healthy even though by all standards they live an unhealthy lifestyle, whereas some get sick all the time and die young even though they did everything “right.”

And then there’s the woman who was asked what her secret was to living to 100, to which she responded that she attributes it to quitting smoking at age 78.

There was a recent article that stated that bicycle helmets give a false sense of security and block some of the senses, which may actually interfere with safety. (I don’t personally have an opinion either way, I’m just using it for the sake of the example.)

So here you need to seriously ask yourself why you want your child to do a certain thing. Just this can lead to some serious personal growth.

Examples of honestly expressing your request:

“I would like you to put on a sweater, because I’m afraid you’ll get cold and could get sick.”

“I’d really like you to brush your teeth, because I don’t want you to have cavities and have to go through the trouble of getting them fixed (or whatever is true for you in that instance.) Brushing them regularly will really help with keeping your teeth healthy.”

“I’m uncomfortable with you using this sharp knife, because the last time you did you got distracted and almost cut yourself.”

“I’m not comfortable with you holding the dog’s leash, because I’m not seeing you watch out for what she’s doing.”

By honestly expressing yourself, you’re naming the real issue. Your child then has a chance to respond and address it. You’re starting a dialogue.

She gets to learn how to be safer, healthier, more appropriate, from a place of information, not control.

In your list of situations, notice if there’s anything you say to your child which you can’t know with absolute certainty to be true.

Be authentic.

Children (humans!) respond to authenticity, because it is alive. It is what is unarguably true. You can HEAR and FEEL authenticity. It creates goodwill. It inspires. It connects. It taps into their innate desire to please you. It awakens what is alive in them.

When you’re authentic you’re taking responsibility for your feelings. It can be challenging because it can force you to be vulnerable.

Examples of authentically expressing your request:

“Hmm, I'm feeling nervous watching you use the knife in this way. Please grab the carrot with your fingers underneath your hand to make sure they're safe.”

"It makes me feel so happy when I wake up to a neat house. Can we please come up with a strategy to have it picked up before we go to bed?"

"I'm really having a hard day today. Would you mind helping your sister out with her snack?"

"I love seeing how much fun you're having with your friend AND I'm also thinking that dinner time will come soon and I need to get home to prepare it. How about you play for 10 more minutes and then we pack it up?"

Now think of a situation in which someone is trying to CONVINCE you to do something.

How does it feel? How do you react?

Now think of a situation in which someone would like you to do something for them, and they are honestly and authentically expressing their reason for it.

How does that feel? How do you respond to that?

Write your experience of that reflection below.

And now another question around authenticity:

Does anything come up for you around being authentic with your child? Does it feel uncomfortable? Scary? Wrong?

One caveat of authenticity is that you need to make sure what you’re sharing with your child is appropriate and presented in a responsible way. You don’t want to make them feel responsible for your feelings. You don’t want to pour out your heart full of pain in a way they’re not able to handle or relate to. You don’t want to overshare.

Children can handle our range of feelings, as long as we express them responsibly and take responsibility for them instead of blaming others. It's actually important that they do see us experience negative feelings and see how we handle them. Otherwise how will they learn how to behave when they have strong feelings?

Also, us naming what’s actually going on and which they’re likely picking up on and feeling, helps them relax. It makes their world make sense, instead of living in the discord of being told everything’s okay or seeing mom pretending to be happy when they clearly feel it’s not the case, which is a form of gaslighting and pretty damaging to one’s sense of self and ability to function well in the world.

Here’s a story that helps illustrate all this:

In one of my Clean Parenting groups, I shared that when my girls were little, for one day in my cycle, I’d feel like I turned into a ‘possessed evil bitch’ (excuse the language.) I would be incredibly irritable and at times told my girls things I deeply regretted the next day. So I told them to just ignore anything that I said on my PMS days because I couldn’t be trusted on those days.

Inspired by this story, Kim decided to do the following:

"The cloud" descended on me yesterday (as in "hello darkness my old friend") and I made it beautifully through without the girls even guessing that I was feeling "blue". This morning, however, the heaviness was much greater and whereas in the past I would be irritable and impatient with them because I just wanted to crawl in a hole and disappear, instead I shared how I was feeling with them. I decided I needed to be more honest with them. I told them I was feeling sad and it was not because of anything they have done. I explained that sometimes I feel sad and need a good cry (which gave a wonderful opportunity to talk about how good it feels to have a good cry). I then told them that my sadness made me feel irritated and impatient and that I wondered if they would mind working a little harder today on finding win-win situations with one another and I would try really hard, too, to not be impatient or snap at them. We all did marvelously with one another! There was only one incident in a store but we worked through it in minutes.

They "get" it! And have even used it back to me! "Mom, I'm feeling sad today. Can you hold me?" “Mom, I'm really mad at you for not letting us have candy".

But like I teach in this Clean Parenting module on How To Express Yourself When Guiding Your Children, integrating this (as well as the other 3 points covered in it) is likely to take a while.

It’s likely to require you to develop a lot of self-awareness and new ways of being that are very different from what you have learned and have practiced for most of your life.

I'm not saying this to discourage you but to acknowledge that what I’m suggesting is substantial. Give yourself time and space to gradually integrate them, without judging yourself for how long it takes.

(Remember my famous potty training analogy from this article!)

Consciously working on and eventually embodying this approach will have almost never-ending benefits—not only for your children and your family, but for yourself and your whole life, including all of your relationships.

Here are the rewards that are likely to come to you as you integrate what I teach in this module:

You’ll have incredible ease in many situations with your children.
They will develop inner honesty, one of the greatest qualities we can have if we want to grow, have meaningful relationships and succeed in life.
They will learn to be honest with others because true honesty is being modeled to them.

Get my e-book!

If you're enjoying this article, you'll likely love my book!
(Click the image to purchase it.)

Your children will deeply trust you and therefore be open to what you have to say, even as teenagers.
They will model what you do and therefore learn to know themselves.

YOU will learn to know yourself. This is the basis for healing and creating a life and relationships that will truly fulfill YOU. In working on this for your children, you'll be giving to yourself and open yourself up to a life where YOU are more whole.

You will learn to live more authentically.

I'd love to hear your reactions to this article if you'd like to share them in the comments below.

And if you'd like my support in parenting honestly and authentically, and integrating clean parenting into your family (this article gives you a taste of what that will look like, with it being half of one of 21 program modules,) email me at Eliane@ParentingForWholeness.com.

I would LOVE to work with you if my Clean Parenting™ program is the right fit for you!

Warmly,

For information on this intensive and transformational program, which many participants have said was 'one of the best investments in their lives!', and to read about their journeys, click on the image.

I run my Clean Parenting™ Program a few times per year, and my next group starting January 8th is already filling up!

Email me to set up a time to chat if you're interested!

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Is It Time For You To Say NO MORE?

10/16/2017

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By Eliane, founder Parenting For Wholeness

This is an article I first wrote 1 1/2 years ago, after having a complete breakdown which ended up being one of the most positive things that ever happened to me. I'll be writing a lot more over the next few months about that experience, and all the beautiful lessons and healings that have come as a result of it.

Is there something it’s time for you to say ‘no more’ to, also?

I’m in the middle of a huge transition right now.

The cause of the transition is a huge ‘no more’ cry, arising out of seemingly every cell in my body. An absolute unwillingness to keep going the way I have been.

A seemingly innocuous incident triggered it, but it was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

It’s been painful, challenging, debilitating, all consuming, and even destructive, yet I’m incredibly grateful for it.

Because it’s paving the way for and the beginning of deep and incredibly nourishing changes in me and in my life. Changes that I didn’t even know were possible for me.

It’s bringing me incredible hope.

I’ve experienced something similar about 10 years ago, and more minor versions of it several times in my life. As a result, I know the incredible power of getting to that place of ‘no more,’ or ‘I’m done,’ or ‘this is just not an option.’

Saying a categorical ‘no’ to something means I don’t have a choice but to find a different way.

Even if I’m absolutely clueless as to what that different way is, and if the process takes time and is sometimes excruciating, closing the door to the alternative means I have to find my way to the opposite of what I don’t want.

For a long time, it was a mystery to me how I had managed to parent my daughters the way I did, considering the deeply messed up childhood and parents I had, and the absence of positive parenting examples in my life.

Until I realized it came from the commitment I made to what would NOT happen:

I committed that my daughters would never feel about themselves the way I did.

I committed that they would never be treated as less than full and perfect human beings.

And that commitment is what fueled me to pursue whatever I needed to until I could find a way to parent them that felt 100% right in my bones.

It took me 5 years of intensive parenting research and studied practice (reading books, attending conferences, participating in many parenting groups, most of which I led, and lastly and most importantly studying The Continuum Concept until I figured out how to apply in to my Western life,) and I eventually did find my way to what I now call Clean Parenting™.

And I’ve reached my goal of my now adult daughters having absolutely no clue what it feels like to not feel good about themselves, to not feel like they belong, to have low confidence, to have challenges in relationships, to have a hard time finding happiness in the world and in their skin, to feel like something’s wrong with them.

Being clear on my ‘no’ and shutting the door on that alternative is what allowed me to achieve something absolutely amazing in my family, something most people told me was impossible.

Mothers who contact me often do so because they’ve reached that place of ‘no.’

They may have treated their child in a way they just can’t stand.

Realized they don’t enjoy parenting because the disharmony is just too painful or exhausting.

See their children interact together negatively and realize that if something doesn’t drastically change, they’re heading down a bad path.

See their child not thriving and decide it’s just not okay.

Realize they’re getting farther and farther from their parenting ideals.

When they talk to me, they’re in pain, discouraged, feel regret and sometimes even despair.

Yet I celebrate.

Because I KNOW their life and that of their children and family as a whole is likely about to change.

Having worked with hundreds of parents, I know the power of reaching that place of looking reality in the face, deciding something needs to change, and doing whatever it takes to make that change happen.

When those parents decide to take action and sign up for my Clean Parenting™ Program (which for many is the most direct path to what they do want,) I know that their life will be dramatically different in just 2 short months.

So is there something YOU are ready to say 'no more!' to?

If so, take a moment to sit with place in you that know it's time for something to be over. When you're deeply grounded in it, you'll likely know what action you need to take next to move your life toward. Don't think about the whole journey. All you need to know is the very next step, and trust that once you take it, the following one will become clear.

This is a guidance that's never failed me.

With lots of love,

PS: Are you ready to say ‘no more’ to what’s going on in your family?

If you deeply resonate with my perspective and with Clean Parenting™, do yourself and your family the favor of checking out my Clean Parenting™ Program.

It might just be what’s needed for you to finally start living what you believe in your heart is possible.

Is now YOUR time?

If the program speaks to you, email me at Eliane@ParentingForWholeness.com so we can schedule a time to meet on Skype to determine if it’s right for you.

This program is NOT for everyone, but if it’s right for you, it WILL change your life.

I really hope to get to work with you and support you in transforming your family life is it's something you want and are ready to take action toward.

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The Missing Piece In Many Peaceful Parenting Teachings

10/12/2017

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By Eliane Sainte-Marie, founder Parenting For Wholeness

There are many wonderful peaceful parenting teachings, authors, programs and coaches nowadays. Which is so exciting to me!

But many moms come to me, saying they have read every book and some having even worked with some of those teachers, and they are EXHAUSTED.

They feel like their whole life is about finding ways to peacefully manage their children’s emotions and behaviors, and their cup is completely empty.

Another common concern moms share with me is that they struggle to get their partner on board to respectfully respond to their children’s behaviors.

For many, though the dads theoretically agree with the values of peaceful parenting, they don’t see it as being effective, and are tired of their homes feeling like a free-for-all.

They therefore insist on using time-outs, consequences and punishments in an attempt to get some sense of order in their families, which breaks the moms’ hearts, and causes conflict in the family.

All this happens because there’s a missing piece in many wonderful peaceful parenting teachings.

But before I divulge what it is, I want to give you an experience of it.

Please take a moment to picture this:

You have just moved somewhere with a completely different culture.

Imagine that you’re there alone, not knowing the language and not knowing any of the local customs. Not knowing what is considered rude or might upset people or possibly even make them want to harm you. Not knowing how to operate any of their technology or how to operate in their society, organizations, businesses, etc.

How would that feel?

And now imagine that you have a local guide who is there to help you acclimate. Would you do whatever you want, or would you check with that trusted person to find out what's appropriate? Would that person be controlling you or helping you adapt to the culture?

As far as that guide goes, would you prefer someone who is afraid to control you, afraid to give you information, who is apologetic and who avoids giving you directions as much as possible? Or would you want someone who knows you well, knows what you already know and what you haven’t encountered yet, and matter-of-factly presents you with the information you need when you need it?

This clear, confident and benevolent leadership piece is what I find is missing from many otherwise wonderful teachings.

Here are 5 resources that dive deeply into what that clear benevolent leadership is or demonstrate it (and a video of my daughter demonstrating it toward the end of this article:)

My article The Key to Well-Behaved Children Who Listen to You, While Fully Respecting Them.
My audio Being the Clear Benevolent Leader Your Children Need.
This illuminating article by Abigail Warren: Restoring Harmony - A Mother’s Story.
My audio interview Why Leadership Is the Missing Link in Conscious Parenting.
My article with video: What Clear Benevolent Leadership Looks Like.

Here are 2 more which will likely also be important ones for you, if you resonate with everything else in this article so far:

My article Could You Be TOO Child-Centered?

My article 7 Problems with Avoiding Saying ‘No’ at all Costs

You can also request my FREE Report:

"The Almost Magical Formula For Surprising Ease and Harmony in
Your Family While Fully Honoring Your Children’s Spirits."

Click Here to Request The Report

Developing this clear benevolent leadership is one of the most powerful things you can do to move you toward the ease and harmony I promise you is possible in your family.

It took me quite a while to figure how to implement this in my parenting, after learning about it in my parenting bible, The Continuum Concept.

And I find that it’s one of the hardest things to develop, in my intensive work with parents in my Clean Parenting™ program.

But oh the difference that happens once it is embodied!

(And a bonus is that our children then develop that skill that serves them in many aspects of their lives, particularly at work once they are in charge of other people! You can see my oldest daughter demonstrating Clear Benevolent Leadership in this video. I'm such a proud mama! ♥ )

One of my core messages in my work is that parenting can be easy. Because it truly is how I experienced it. Not that life with children was always easy, but the parenting piece was.

ONCE I figured out how to embody that clear benevolent leadership stance that The Continuum Concept described, I felt like I wasn’t really parenting, but just living my life with my children. (You can read about my experience here.)

And I’ve found this to be replicable in the families I work with, again, once that leadership piece clicks into place.

(I want to note that though I’m a huge proponent of unschooling and it’s what we did in my family until my daughters each chose to attend school, I find that this leadership piece is also lacking in many unschooling families, to the detriment of all family members. The parents so want to give their children freedom over their own choices that they don’t set limits or boundaries on things that impact the whole family, and generally the main caretaker in particular.)

Here’s what 2 moms have shared with me once that happened for them:

“My kids used to have big feelings almost daily, certainly at least weekly. This has changed immensely. My being matter of fact and holding out positive expectation and being a leader has shifted this. My kids TALK to me and with each other during challenging times, things that used to explode don't anymore...we breeze through them calmly. My life doesn't revolve around my kids unless I decide I want it to at any given moment. My kids respect my time and space and they play well on their own. I feel much more relaxed around things that caused me stress before. This class should be taught to everyone - instead of birthing classes. It should be taught in schools.” Erin Reindl, child and family therapist, Denver.

“I love parenting in this very Clean way. We started seeing whole chunks of hours without any conflict, and eventually it became days! It's so satisfying, freeing, relieving. So wonderful to respect Olivia while maintaining healthy boundaries and to see her thrive.” Mona Sanei.

But you know how I say that parenting can be easy, but that the path to that ease is not necessarily easy?

I've found that the leadership stance that I teach is one of the hardest things for parents to embody. A lot of the work the moms and dads do in my Clean Parenting™ Program is to learn to parent from this stance, to find that natural leadership in themselves, and to clear what's in their way of embodying it.

If you resonate with the importance of being that leader to your children and don't trust that you can get there on your own, consider joining my next Clean Parenting™ group.

I would love to help you uncover and develop your clear benevolent leadership skills! Email me to set up a time to chat and see if this program would be the right fit for you.

With much love,

Check out my Clean Parenting™ Program for an intensive and transformational journey which many participants have said was 'one of the best investments in their lives!'

Click on the image for many more participants' testimonials, dates and information.

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Are You Treating Yourself In Ways You'd Never Dream Of Treating Your Children?

10/11/2017

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By Eliane - Founder, Parenting For Wholeness

Dearest mother,

Would you ever talk to your children the way you talk to yourself?

Would you ever treat them the way you treat yourself?

Do you want them to learn to treat themselves in the way you treat yourself?

Most of us are SO hard on ourselves!

Even in peaceful parenting circles, where moms know in their bones that their children are innately good, and that any misbehavior comes from an unmet need, they somehow fail to apply this truth to themselves.

Do you ever ask yourself WHY you do things that aren't in alignment with your ideals or your goals?

Or do you jump right to judging yourself, beating yourself up, and 'shoulding' yourself?

Chances are that if you've been following my work, you're aware that whenever a child 'misbehaves,' there's a reason for it. And that as parents, our job is to identify the cause so we can address it.

It's even possible that right now, on your fridge, is my Checklist of 10 Questions To Ask When Your Child Misbehaves... so you can respond positively, respectfully and effectively. (If you don't yet have it, you can click the button below to request it.)

Click here to request your CHECKLIST

But what about YOU?

If it's true for your children that their 'misbehaviors' are caused by unmet needs or lack of information, support, connection, etc, doesn't it make sense that it's the same for you?!?

Of course it is!!!

Though all parents who sign up for my Clean Parenting™ Program do so to be better parents to their children, a large part of my work with them is to support them in connecting with their own feelings and needs, and attending to them as much as they attend to their children's.

Because only when you honor yourself can you have access to the groundedness, clarity and your inner guidance which are needed for you to be the parent you want to be.

And only when you're connected to yourself can you be the clear benevolent leader that your children need to thrive.

So I've decided to create a Checklist for YOU, similar as the one I created for children's behaviors.

I hope you download it and use it to help you give yourself the same understanding and support you give your children.

12 Things to Look At Instead of Judging Yourself…

when you’ve ‘messed up’ or fallen short of your ideals

✔ Had you previously been ignoring your feelings and needs?

✔ Were your expectations of yourself realistic in this situation?

✔ Did you have a need that wasn’t being met and caused you to react in this way?

✔ Have you had the proper support, information and training to be able to deal with this situation effectively?

✔ Was your painful baggage activated and preventing you from reacting in a grounded way?

✔ Were you sitting with an emotion or experience that needed to be processed?

✔ Are you trying to please someone and meet their ideals instead of following your own values?

✔ Am you trying to make yourself into who you think you should be instead of accepting and   honoring yourself just as you intrinsically are?

✔ Are you talking to yourself as though you’re on your team? Being kind and understanding?

✔ Are you modeling to your children how you want them to learn to treat themselves?

✔  Are you forgetting that you’re innately good and usually behave in accordance with your values when your needs are met and you have proper support?

✔  How can you address the root cause of your behavior instead of trying to control the symptom? The way you would with your children?

(If this list resonates with you, you can download a pdf version of this one as well, which you can reference whenever you're tempted to be unkind to yourself.)

Click here to download your CHECKLIST

It is my firm belief that we are all innately good and well-intentioned. And that as parents, we’re deserving of the same things we strive to give our children.

Our responsibility to ourselves, just like to our children, is to treat ourselves with kindness and understanding, and to learn to attend to our feelings and needs so that we’re able to be the beautiful, happy and compassionate human beings that we innately are.

And as we do so, we automatically become better, kinder and more effective parents to our children.

If you'd like support in fully meeting yours and your children's needs, and in becoming the parent you long to be, look into my Clean Parenting™ program.

Here's what Lisa Zahn said after completing the program:

“The way I am really finding my true self, learning to love myself again and getting my confidence back feels exciting and invigorating. I feel like I can finally start living intentionally rather than going through the motions on auto-pilot, just surviving. That feels truly exciting and refreshing to me!

I feel so grateful!!!!”

How would you like to be saying that by the end of the year?!?

With much love,

For support in learning to parent in a way that fully honors yourself as well as your children, check out my Clean Parenting™ Program.

In the transformational journey that is that program, you'll get my full and dedicated support in fully establishing your peaceful parenting foundation and clearing any obstacles, in you AND your children, that are in the way of all of you having your needs met.

Click the image for information and for lots of testimonials from moms like you.

And if you resonate with what you read, email me to set up a FREE 30 minute Parenting Can Be Easy! Strategy session and we can discuss if it would be the right fit for you and your family.

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Life Is Messy! (And How Realizing It Can Free You)

7/28/2017

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By Eliane - Founder, Parenting For Wholeness

Life Is Messy! (And How Realizing It Can Free You) Article by Eliane of Parenting For Wholeness ~ Peaceful parenting that works, heals, and changes the world.

Photo courtesy of Kate Davis

A conflict happened with a mom in my Clean Parenting™ Program and I didn’t like it. It was uncomfortable.

The thing is, I really like her. And I’m pretty sure she really likes me too. Yet, the situation needed to be addressed because neither one of us was at peace, and it was interfering in the work we were doing together.

We Facebook messaged each other several times, explaining how we experienced the situations, what was important to each of us in it, and wanting to understand the other.

There was fear of hurting the other.
Fear of having messed up.
Fear of being in trouble.
Fear of creating an uncomfortable situation.
General fear of conflict.

But through goodwill and open communication, the situation was easily resolved. In fact, it seems to have led to even more connection.

Always wanting to get to the root of any issue, I sat with it afterward, trying to identify what caused it to happen.

Yes, some information was missed. And yes, at some point there was a delay in expressing a truth.

But those weren't THE cause of the conflict...

And then the answer came to me, so obvious I couldn't believe I hadn't realized it before.

You know what the real cause of the whole situation was?

It’s that LIFE IS MESSY!!!

We may be good people, have great intentions, have great relationships skills, and be in relationship with like-minded people, yet conflicts WILL happen!

They are inevitable.

Many of us (me first in line) try to avoid discomfort. We hope to get to a point where relationships are smooth, where conflict doesn’t happen, and where we’ve develop the skills needed to have a smooth life.

But we’re setting ourselves up for an epic fail, because life will NEVER be that way.

So the goal for me is no longer to avoid discomfort, or, I’m realizing, even to avoid causing discomfort in another.

It’s accepting that life is messy, and learning to navigate the messes as gracefully as possible.

This applies to life with children too.

Sometimes, toward the end of my Clean Parenting™ Program, when things are going very well in their family, a mom will report a messy situation that happened, which she handled skillfully, yet she still asks me what she could have done to prevent it from happening.

And my answer sometimes is: "Nothing!"

The goal is NOT to never have issues, upset people, or conflicts in your family.

That's just not realistic. And if that's your goal, you'll make yourself crazy and will feel like a failure, because you'll never attain it.

The goal, for me, is to have everyone's needs in the family met, to have close and healthy connection between all the family members, and to have goodwill, skill and confidence to handle the inevitable conflicts, emotional outbursts and messes that happen.

(For a guide in this, request my FREE Report: "The Almost Magical Formula For Surprising Ease and Harmony in Your Family While Fully Honoring Your Children’s Spirits.")

Click Here to Request The Report

Peter Gray wrote a wonderful article where he encourages us to strive to be good enough parents instead of perfect parents. In it he writes:

"The belief that perfection, or even something approaching it, is possible in parenting promotes a tendency to blame. The perfectionist reasoning is this: If problems arise, then they must be someone’s fault. Parents seeking perfection blame themselves, or their spouse, or their children when things are not just right. Blame never helps. Blame is the bane of every family in which it occurs."

So, here's to you letting go of the weight of perfectionism! ☺

Warmly,

P.S.: And if you're ready to live my goal (of having everyone's needs in the family be met, having close and healthy connection between all the family members, and having the skill and confidence to handle the inevitable conflicts, emotional outbursts and messes that happen) and can't get there on your own, I can help!

Check out my Clean Parenting™ Program for an intensive and transformational journey which many participants have said was 'one of the best investments in their lives!'

Click the image for testimonials from many parents like you, for information and for the date of my next group.

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The Top 10 Books I Recommend

7/4/2017

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A favorite author of mine, Tracy Gillett of Raised Good, just published a book, and it inspired me to compile for you this list of 10 books I most recommend.

So here you go:

1. The Continuum Concept, by Jean Liedloff

You've likely heard me talk about this book before. A lot. It was my parenting bible. My mind was blown open when I first read it and I never read another parenting book after it. I just went to work figuring out how to apply this evolutionary and proven approach into my Western life. It illustrated for me what is possible when human beings' needs are met, something that a part of me always intuited, and it provided the blueprint I needed to parent my children from this beautiful perspective. Most of what I teach when it comes to parenting is based on this book. If you also resonate with it, check out my page of Continuum Concept resources.

2. Nonviolent Communication - A Language of Life (also know as NVC,) by Marshall Rosenberg

I believe anyone who's ever going to be in a relationship, including with themselves, or will ever interact with anyone could benefit from this book. Just like The Continuum Concept, it helped me understand what human beings need and how they function. I find its teachings invaluable in understanding the causes of people's feelings and behaviors, in learning how to properly meet children's (and everyone else's) needs, in learning to communicate effectively, in developing the magical skill that is empathy and even in resolving triggers and healing emotional wounds. It's the only book that I recommend to EVERYONE who works with me, and I even offer a program that's primarily based on it.

3. Clean Parenting - The Peaceful Parent's Essential Guide, by.... ME!!!! Eliane Sainte-Marie

My gift is in making peaceful parenting WORK (you can read loads of testimonials of this here.) This happened in my family and now also in the families with whom I work, through setting a healthy foundation of seeing everyone as valuable and worthy individuals who are innately good, focusing on meetings needs, treating children as well as ourselves respectfully, being clear leaders, and much much more. This book is full of information to help you create your healthy parenting foundation.

Buy this e-book now for $9.97:

(If you have a problem with the payment, you can pay $9.97 through the DONATE button on this page, and I'll get you set up.)

Though I haven't read the following 2 books, I have read many of the authors' articles and fully endorse their approaches when it comes to parenting toddlers and older children. Many of my clients have found them helpful because they provide lots of practical guidance in parenting toddlers.

4. No Bad Kids, by Janet Lansbury

Loads of practical advice and examples in respectfully parenting toddlers.

CAVEAT: I highly recommend this book but I do not agree with Janet's or RIE's (the parenting approach she's trained in) perspective when it comes to parenting babies, because of the reasons described in this article. So PLEASE read The Continuum Concept for guidance on caring for babies.

5. Trust Me I'm A Toddler, by Sam Vickery

Sam is also a Continuum Concept mom who is highly effective in putting it into practice and writing about it.

6. Hold On To Your Kids, by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté

Though I also haven't read this book, many of my friends, clients, and fans of The Continuum Concept have told me that it was one of their favorites, even life changing, and in complete alignment with what I teach. Some even found it MORE valuable than The Continuum Concept, which to me is the biggest endorsement for a book that I could get!!

I'm also a HUGE fan of Gabor Maté's work. (This video just blew me away a few weeks ago, providing a whole new understanding of myself, and is already influencing my work.) I used to have as a goal to be interviewed by Oprah, but I now aim to one day give a talk with Gabor Maté. ☺

7. The Lost Art of Natural Parenting, by Tracy Gillett

Through running my Parenting For Wholeness Facebook page and reading tons of parenting articles to share with my peeps, there's one author I've come to love. You guessed it: Tracy Gillett, founder of Raised Good, and the person who inspired this post.

So I got really excited when she shared with me a few weeks ago that she's finally published a book! I highly recommend her writing. She's deeply attuned to what babies and children need, writes with a warmth that feels like a hug, is deeply grounded in truth and can be a wonderful guide in the lost art of natural parenting. (To be honest, I really wish I could write like her and get a bit jealous whenever I read her articles.)

8. Siblings Without Rivalry, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlich

I often say that anyone who has a child who will ever interact with another child should read this book. Few things are as infuriating as children fighting, which you KNOW if you have more than one child. My 3 children very rarely fought, and in addition to my focus on meeting needs and having a healthy, connected and supportive relationship with them, this book is what I attribute that to. The perspective it presents and the approach it teaches are THAT powerful.
If you enjoy that book, you might also want to get these authors other book, 'How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk.'

In dealing with sibling issues, I'm also guessing that Laura Markham's newish book, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings, is great, because I love a lot of her articles. I've just not added here as an official recommendation because I haven't read it nor have parents talked to me about it.

9. The Presence Process, by Michael Brown

As part of the intensive work I do with parents in my Clean Parenting™ program, we tease out areas where their parenting needs to be fine-tuned from triggers, wounds and baggage that need to be addressed through inner work. And for people who want to do that work on their own instead of through different types of (effective!) counseling or other programs that I offer, I always recommend this book, along with NVC (see above) processes. It provides a good understanding of what's needed in order to release triggers and heal emotional wounds, as well as a step-by-step process for doing it on your own.

Below is a recording of a conversation my dear friend and fellow Parenting for Wholeness coach Kristen and I had where I provided her some guidance in using the book for her healing.

10. The Power Of Now, by Eckhart Tolle:

This list wouldn't be complete without including the only book I've read more often than The Continuum Concept (I think I'm up to 10 times.) It's not one I often recommend, because its impact on me is hard to put into words, and I'm not even sure what to say about it here. Just read the book description and get the book if it speaks to you.

NOTE: I do not recommend Eckhart's other popular book, A New Earth. I found it flat and devoid of the incredible aliveness that I experience in almost every sentence of The Power Of Now. It's hard for me to believe the same author wrote those 2 books.

I want to make it clear that this list is in no way comprehensive.

I haven't read any parenting book (besides re-reading The Continuum Concept numerous times) in over 20 years. I'm sure there are many other wonderful books that also fully align with my work.

If you know of other books that support parents in parenting peacefully and effectively and raising whole children, please post them in the comment section below!

I hope you've found value in this list, as well as some of the additional links.

Lots of love,

If reading books isn't enough for you to live your parenting ideals with your children, and to experience the ease and harmony I promise you is possible through peaceful parenting, check out my Clean Parenting™ program!

I have a new group starting August 7th, and still have 9 available spots in it. Email me if you're interested!

Here's what one mom wrote to me after completing that program:

"I feel like you saved me and now I can finally be the parent I want to be and raise my daughters to be whole and happy.

Thank you for making a huge difference in my life and the life of my children. I will be forever grateful to you for sharing this life-changing information with me. You put me on the path to have a wonderful, healthy life with my daughters and I just cannot begin to thank you enough. You have given me the greatest gift and I will cherish it always."

Get my BOOK!!

Over 100 pages of inspirational and practical information to help you successfully and consistently parent peacefully, so you can have whole and happy children, and experience ease and harmony in your family.

Get this e-book for $9.97

Click 'Return To Merchant' once you've completed your payment, for immediate access to the e-book, or wait for an email with a link to it (may take up to 24 hours.)

If you have a problem with the payment, you can pay $9.97 through the DONATE button on this page, and I'll get you set up.

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Are You Focused On Meeting My Needs or Just Controlling My Behaviors?

6/22/2017

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By Eliane of Parenting For Wholeness

Think about this for a minute.

Imagine a day when you’re feeling great. You had a good breakfast, feel rested, had a great connecting evening with your hubby last night, the sun is shining, you’re currently working on a project with a team leader who you like and values you and you have some fun plans for the day.

How do you react if your child spills a big glass of juice on the floor? Or someone asks you for a favor?

Then imagine a different scenario where your baby’s been sick and kept you up most of the night, you haven't had time to eat, your house is a mess, you had an argument with your hubby the night before, and there’s a project leader pushing you, not very nicely, to deliver on something that’s due today.

NOW how do you react when your child spills the juice, or someone asks you for a favor?

And how would it impact your behavior if your husband yelled at you or cut your monthly grocery budget for being snappy with your child? Or if he offered to take you out for a fun night IF you're nicer to your son?

I provide this analogy in my webinar "Your Clear Pathway to Parenting Harmony: 7 Keys to Becoming a Peaceful Parent," in the context of the 4th element which is FOCUSING ON MEETING NEEDS.

It might be a bit extreme of an example, but I really want to drive home the point that people act their best when their needs are met. And that similarly, they behave negatively when their needs aren’t met. And that it's not by trying to manipulate the symptoms of the unmet needs that you get true positive results.

For more on meeting needs and to learn to other 6 keys to becoming a peaceful parent, you can register for my webinar which I'll be presenting again on January 21st.

(I have several more analogies like this one to help you realize the differences between peaceful and traditional parenting from your perspective.)

For immediate guidance on parenting peacefully AND effectively, request my FREE Report:

The Almost Magical Formula For Surprising Ease and Harmony in Your Family While Fully Honoring Your Children’s Spirits.

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Are You Trusting Your Parenting Instincts And Your Inner Guidance?

6/10/2017

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By Eliane, founder of Parenting For Wholeness

As moms, we've been gifted with very strong built-in instincts, which are a powerful tool to guide our parenting.

But if you’re like many moms I talk to, or myself 24 years ago, you often either don’t know how to access your instincts or you don’t fully trust them to guide your parenting.

Or you easily followed your instincts when you child was a baby, but it became much harder once she became a toddler, started exploring everything around her and developing strong preferences.

If that’s the case, read on for some guidance, suggestions and encouragement to trust yourself and discover your own truth when it comes to parenting and your family.

FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCTS

I first heard about my instincts when I was a new mom, in a La Leche League meeting, when I was encouraged to ‘follow my instincts.’

Coming from a family where my feelings were never acknowledged or taken into account, and where I was made wrong, shamed and sometimes even punished for them, I learned early on to not place any value on them and eventually to completely ignore them.

I learned to live my life ‘above the neck,’ valuing only rational arguments, spending tons of time trying to come up with ways of convincing people of the validity my ideas, in the hopes of sometimes getting my needs met and getting what I wanted in my life.

So when I was advised in La Leche League to follow my instincts, it felt like those moms were speaking a foreign language. I had absolutely no frame of reference to process this information. I was completely puzzled.

But as I kept spending time who moms who parented primarily from an instinctual place, I started realizing the ways in which I too was connected to my instincts and that they were already guiding me.

When my baby would cry, every fiber of my being screamed out to pick her up. And I did.
It felt right to nurse her on demand instead of looking at a clock and letting some arbitrary guideline and a clock dictate when to give her what always made her happy. So I did.
I didn’t feel comfortable leaving her with strangers, and not even with loved ones for more than a few minutes. So I didn’t.

Yes! I did have instincts, and they had been guiding me all along since I had my beautiful first baby Cassandra.

Wasn't baby Cassandra SO adorable??

MY DECISION TO FOLLOW MY INSTINCTS

Once I got exposed to La Leche League’s beautiful philosophy for caring for babies, and connected with like-minded moms, I started reading numerous books that they recommended.

I deeply resonated with concepts like the importance of secure attachment, of focusing on meeting not only physical needs but also emotional ones, trusting children, respectful and peaceful guidance, etc.

I also realized how profoundly my own needs went unmet as a child, and how much I still suffered from the consequences of it in every aspect of my life.

And I became determined that my children would not suffer in the way I had, and would not grow up with all the baggage that I still struggle to free myself from, 24 years later.

They would grow up with a rock solid sense of self, feeling unconditionally loved, that they mattered, were welcome, had all the support they needed, both physically and emotionally, and that they were perfect exactly as they were.

They would grow up with all I so desperately longed for as a child, and still did as an adult.

So I made what was possibly the most important decision I ever made in my life:

I committed myself to only doing what truly felt right to me when it came to parenting and fully listening to my instincts, even if they guided me toward practices that 99% of people around me, including pediatricians and so-called experts, disagreed with.

I followed my instincts when it came to deciding if my baby should sleep with me or in a separate room.
… when deciding whether my children were too old to sleep in our shared bedroom or not.
… when deciding how long it was okay to breastfeed my child.
… when deciding if I should push them to separate from me before they were comfortable doing so.
… when deciding whether or not to send my children to preschool or elementary.

And essentially, what I did (and I highly suggest you do too!) was blocked out what most of society was doing, and tuned in to my heart, to that place of knowing in me. And I also looked at my family and how we were all doing. And did what felt right for us.

If I needed an outside reference, in addition to getting feedback from parents I trusted, I’d think about what moms have done for most of humanity and what native people (who are much more connected to their instincts and a natural way of living than we are) still do, rather than the current fad or what’s been done for the last decade or 100 years.

INSTINCTS OR CONDITIONING?

Often times, I hear parents describe their feelings or reactions as instinctual, when what they actually are are automatic (reactive) or stemming from conditioning.

It’s important to understand this distinction, so parents truly learn to parent from their instincts (or inner guidance,) and don’t erroneously follow their conditioning’s guidance, mistaking it for their instincts.

Below are some examples of each.

Reactive response:

Feeling the drive to punish your child when he’s not obeying because it’s what society has taught you (instead of recognizing your child is struggling with his feelings and needs help processing his experience.)
Hitting your child right back when he hits you, because it’s what was done to you.
Getting angry and sending your child to your room when he talks back because it triggered the part in you that was never allowed to express yourself to your parents, and you reacted from that wounded place instead of from a grounded mature place.

Conditioned response:

Feeling like something’s wrong when your toddler still nurses several times a day because you’ve never seen a nursing toddler before.
Feeling like there should be a negative consequence when your child does something wrong because you’ve been taught to believe that it’s the only way children learn.
Feeling like you’re doing something wrong because you’re not doing what everyone else is doing, and some parenting books are recommending, and fearing the consequences of it.

Instinct-based response:

My body screaming out for my newborn daughter when she was kept in nursery overnight in the hospital.
Your feeling reluctant to wean your toddler when breastfeeding is such a connecting, easy and rewarding experience for both of you, even though your friends, relative and even your pediatrician tell you he no longer needs breastmilk past one year and that you’re making him dependent on you.
My knowing that my 9 month old wasn’t ready to be left with babysitter, even though everyone around me, including my wonderful husband, thought it was ridiculous for me not to attend his brother’s wedding because my baby wasn’t invited.
Your feeling that mainstream school is damaging your child, even though ‘everyone does it’ and ‘he needs to learn to live in the real world’ (whatever that is.)
Your whole body rebelling and aching as you try it ‘crying-it-out.’
The part of you that deeply resonates with and recognizes truth, when you read about respectful, trusting of children, peaceful parenting approaches.

So how do you know if what you’re feeling stems from your instincts or your conditioning?

I have no simple answer for this. I’ve found it to be a process of discovery that’s involved a lot of inner work, a lot of clearing of conditioning, but mostly a lot of learning to value and trust my own voice and feelings.

But here are a few tips for you that might help:

For me, I often know what’s true because I feel it in my solar plexus. Or it may be a feeling that ‘it feels right in my bones.’ What’s often referred to as ‘the still quiet voice deep inside us.’

I also often experience a sense of relaxation, a grounding, and/or a quieting of my mind when something feels right. And this doesn’t mean that it feels good or is what I’d prefer in the moment, but there’s a feeling of ‘yes, this is the truth of this.’ Like deciding to skip a dear friend’s wedding because of how it’d impact your family, even though you really wanted to go. Choosing not to go back to work after your baby’s born, even though you’re worried about the financial impact of your decision. Pulling your child out of school or daycare, even though it will greatly complicate your life and will affect your ability to work.

(Note that I’m not saying those are things you should do. They are just examples of options which might feel true and right for some moms even though they don’t necessarily feel good.)

In contrast, something that comes from my conditioning often has me choosing it out of the fear of the consequence, or from a belief that I’m bad or wrong if I don’t take that action. It also often has more to do with what others have told me, beliefs I’ve developed about myself through others’ influence. It’s fear based. A sense of agitation. The energy is more in my head, in my thinking, rather than a knowing in my body. It’s a rational belief, one that could easily shift with new information.

Another perspective on this was presented to me by the wonderful long term editor of Mothering Magazine, Peggy O’Mara. In an editorial in the 90’s (which I so wish I could find again!) she recommended that we choose to parent out of love instead of out of fear. This idea always stayed with me, and can sometimes be used to determine if what you’re feeling is true guidance or just fear based.

My favorite photo of me with my girls, almost 10 years ago!

WHAT SOCIETY TELLS YOU

One challenge to following our instincts in parenting is that what they guide us to do is often in direct opposition to what most parents around us do and professionals recommend.

Here are some examples of comments I read frequently in peaceful parenting and Continuum Concept Facebook groups, where moms are doubting their instincts:

My parents say my 18 month old is old enough to stay with them overnight. Am I overprotective by not feeling comfortable doing so?
My pediatrician says I need to let my baby cry-it-out so he can learn to self-soother and we can both get a better night’s sleep. Am I weak for not being able to do it?
Everyone tells me I should wean my 15 month old, even though it’s such a big part of our lives and it’s going so well for us! Am I making him overly dependent on me?
People tell me my 3 year old will never sleep on his own if I don’t force him to move out of our bed.
I keep hearing that my child will be a spoiled brat if I don’t use time-out’s, consequences and punishments to teach him correct behaviors, but they don’t feel right to me.

It’s so upsetting to me that these outstanding moms, so connected to their children, respectful of them and beautifully meeting their connection needs are shamed and misinformed into ignoring their wise inner guidance!

(And for the record, all 3 of my daughters now sleep through the night, in their own bed, are weaned, and are comfortable doing sleepovers. ☺ They also function well in society, did well in school and have great social skills, all without ever being punished or pushed into doing anything they weren’t ready for.)

One thing that’s sorely missing in our society is the organic learning about parenting that we got from most of humanity through living closely in tribes or close knit communities.

And unfortunately, in recent history, parenting practices have mostly gotten very far away from what humans truly need in order to develop optimally, sometimes through flawed logic, sometimes through a misguided strategy to prevent a problem, sometimes so companies can make profit and many times for the convenience of parents

I think it’s critical for most parents to have access to more experienced ones who share your values, to have a sense of what’s normal and healthy in children. I highly recommend that you hold back from asking advice (or listening to unsolicited ones) from people whose values you don’t share, and find some people you really trust to use as reference. In the world of Facebook, this means never asking questions or taking advice in groups that don’t share your values, and finding at least one that really shares yours to turn to.

YOUR INNER GUIDANCE

Though they’re closely related, I think of our instincts and our inner guidance as two separate things.

Our parenting instincts are what all mammals are born with, and which guide us in properly caring for our babies, and in protecting ourselves and our families.

Our inner guidance (or inner knowing) is the place in us that knows what’s right because it all at once takes into account every aspect of a situation to determine the best course of action.

My goal when I work with parents is to support them in getting to a place where parenting feels easy, and their life with their children is harmonious, joyful, and they all feel connected.

This happens through supporting them in connecting with their inner guidance so they can consistently parent positively and in alignment with their values AND in a way that works for the uniqueness of their family and each family member.

It usually requires becoming aware of and shedding their conditioning, and creating new pathways to parent from a place of knowing their children are innately good, being on the same team and stepping into their role as the leader of the family.

(You can request my FREE REPORT "The Almost Magical Formula For Surprising Ease and Harmony in Your Family While Fully Honoring Your Children’s Spirits" for a discussion of these 4 key elements which I support parents in parenting from in my work with them.)

Click Here to Request The Report

FREE REPORT by Parenting For Wholeness: The Almost Magical Formula For Surprising Ease and Harmony in Your Family While Fully Honoring Your Children’s Spirits

Whereas many parents seek specific parenting techniques and solutions to their parenting problems, and that’s what many experts offer, this isn’t something that I provide.

Because I don’t believe it’s what best serves parents in the long run.

And because no one can know what’s right for you, your child, and your family.

I believe as a parent, you are best served by being provided guidance and support in clearing what’s in your way of finding what’s true for you, for your unique child, for your unique circumstance and family. In connecting with and parenting from your inner guidance.

When trying to make a decision, your mind can only consider a limited number of factors at a time. But your gut feeling, your inner guidance is usually taking all the relevant factors into account:

Your values
Your child’s unique personality
What he’s been through and what he’s going through right now, which might affect/influence his behavior
Your life as a whole, including your schedule, other people involved, etc.
Your intuitive sense of what might happen
Factors that aren’t directly related but still have an impact on the situation

When you have a nagging feeling that’s something’s off, it might be because there’s something you’re not consciously aware of but that your being remembers and is letting you know about.

How often have you said “I knew I should have done that!” but you instead let a rational argument or someone’s opinion lead you in a different direction? How often have you had a gut feeling, not followed it, and later regretted it?

Start practicing tuning in to and following those gut feelings, and see what happens.

THE CHALLENGE WHEN CHILDREN GET OLDER

Through my work, I often talk with women who had relative ease in connecting with and following their instincts when their child was a baby, but find it increasingly hard as their baby turns into a toddler or a preschooler.

As I experienced a lot with my first child, they often have a sense of what feels wrong, like punishing or hitting a child, or yelling at them, but don’t know what to do instead (this is the main reason parents contact me and choose to do one of my parenting programs.)

They unfortunately lack the modeling and the experience (since most were parented very differently) of effective peaceful parenting to know what to do.

This is the time when it’s critical to learn to connect to your own parenting voice so you can keep parenting in alignment with your values and living out the beautiful promise of peaceful parenting instead of disconnecting from your instincts and gradually parenting in a more and more mainstream way.

The most valuable investment you can possibly make for your family is to get the support you need to achieve this, if you’re not able to get there on your own.

I suggest you find someone whose philosophy fully resonates with you, who has successfully applied what they teach with their own children and has a proven track record of being able to support parents in effectively parenting peacefully.

And if you resonate with the idea of parenting from your inner guidance, make sure to find someone whose focus is on supporting you in finding your own voice and your own truth, finding your own answers, rather than providing them for you.

This is obviously the focus on my work (to the occasional dismay of parents who ask me ‘what do you do when…’ questions, which I rarely answer. ☺)

(GET MY E-BOOK for loads of information and guidance to support you in finding your own parenting voice and truth.

Click on the image to the right for more info and to purchase.)

E-Book: Clean Parenting ~ The Peaceful Parent's Essential Guide, by Eliane Sainte-Marie

The principles I teach in my 2 parenting programs apply to children of all ages, and most also apply to all close relationships. I’ve had a number of moms report wonderful improvement in their marriage while doing my Clean Parenting™ Program, because many of the concepts (like being on the same team, seeing everyone as innately good, creatively looking for win-win’s so everyone’s needs can be met (including yours!!), setting healthy boundaries, focusing on meeting needs and identifying underlying issues instead of reacting to situations) are deeply valuable to any relationship and what we organically would do if we were grounded in a place of compassion and care for everyone involved.

If you resonate with my perspective and would like my support in accessing your inner guidance, clearing your conditioning and finding your unique way to parenting peacefully and effectively, check out my Clean Parenting™ Program page. If you answer 'yes!' to the 11 questions in the section 'This program will work for you if...' and all you read speaks to you, email me. We'll set up a time to chat so we can connect and make sure the program’s right for you.

In my experience, the most powerful help you can get is to clear the way to accessing your own voice, and to provide you support in connecting to the place in you that actually knows how to parent. (You know, those days, when you’re feeling great, are connected to your child and when something comes up, you just somehow know how to handle it positively?) I’d love to do that with you if you’re interested!

I’M SO GRATEFUL TO THE YOUNG ME!

I am so grateful to the young mom I was 24 years ago who had the courage to trust her instincts, ignore all the naysayers who predicted pretty awful things for her beloved children, and committed herself to learning to and to parent in full alignment with them.

It took me about five years of intense study to get there, but it then led to a life with my daughters that was relatively easy, was joyful and harmonious, and to now adults who are successful in the ways that matter to them, and so well adjusted!

We’ve all reaped the benefits of the commitment I made to myself and to them when Cassandra was just a baby.

Lots of love,

Want my support in connecting to and consistently parenting from your inner guidance and truth by fall?

Then join me in my next Clean Parenting™ group!

If you want my full and dedicated support in fully establishing your peaceful parenting foundation and clearing any obstacles, in your AND your children, that are in the way of you experiencing peace, ease and harmony in your family, then my Clean Parenting™ Program might be perfect for you!

Email me to set up a FREE 30 minute Parenting Can Be Easy! Strategy session and we can discuss if it would be the right fit for you and your family.

SUGGESTIONS: If you liked this article, you may also enjoy:

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Have You FULLY Committed to Peaceful Parenting?

4/19/2017

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By Eliane, founder of Parenting For Wholeness

I recently presented a webinar titled Your Clear Pathway: 7 Keys to Becoming a Peaceful Parent, in which I described what I found, after working with hundreds of parents, to be seven keys to being able to successfully and consistently parent peacefully.

(I’ll be offering this webinar again on Sunday January 21st. Click here to reserve your spot in it and if you want to find out what the other 6 keys are.)

Article by Eliane: Have You FULLY Committed to Peaceful Parenting? Parenting For Wholeness ~ Peaceful parenting that works, heals, and changes the world

And I want to talk to you today about one of them, which is to FULLY COMMIT YOURSELF TO PEACEFUL PARENTING.

But before diving into it, we need to talk about a condition that’s critical in order for you to be able to fully commit yourself.

And that’s to BELIEVE that it IS possible to consistently parent peacefully AND to experience ease and harmony in your family.

If you don’t believe that, you’re unlikely to be willing to make that commitment.

Why would you commit yourself to something you don’t fully believe in?

And why would you commit yourself to something that you don’t fully trust will lead to you delightful results?

This is why I write and talk a lot about what IS possible.

It’s not to brag or make it seem like I’m better than others.

In fact, the reason I know this parenting approach is so effective and powerful is BECAUSE of all the ways I’ve fallen short of my ideals and BECAUSE of all the ways I’m NOT a great mom, and yet it still worked so beautifully for me!

(You can read some of my confessions around that here.)

So part of the work for you, if you want to consistently parent peacefully, is to get yourself to that place of fully believing that it’s possible.

And if you need help in this, here are 8 suggestions:

Of course you can keep following me and reading and listening to what I share ☺ (click here to follow my Facebook page and here to get on my email list or buy my book.)
Read supporting books (click here to read my recommended list.)
Follow inspirational blogs
Surround yourself with people who also believe in it, maybe people who have more experience in it, or who have older children (moms I know have made like-minded friends through La Leche League, babywearing groups, attachment and peaceful parenting groups, homeschooling and unschooling groups, etc)
If you’re active on Facebook, join peaceful parenting groups and ONLY post parenting questions in those groups!
Stay away from groups and in general from people who will lead you to start questioning yourself. UNTIL you’ve solidly found your peaceful parenting footing. I’m not necessarily saying to end relationships, but just to stay away as much as possible from naysayers until you’re confident in your approach.
Also, just pay attention when you read or hear things that resonate with you. It’s very likely that if you’re reading this article, something in you KNOWS that it’s possible to have ease and harmony with children. Trust that. This is your voice of truth, your guidance system.
You can also join one of my programs. It’s so heartwarming for me to see how enthusiastic and positive many moms feel once they find themselves in a group as committed as them AND as they really start seeing results in their families as a result of the program!

And here are 3 articles I wrote which speak of my experience in my family and the ease that is possible:

If you don’t fully believe that it’s possible, then it will be really hard to remain committed to peaceful parenting, and that commitment is KEY in consistently becoming a peaceful parent.

Have you had situations in your life where you’ve TRIED to do something? Maybe you’ve TRIED to eat healthy? TRIED to exercise regularly? TRIED to stop criticizing people?

And how did that work for you?

How easy was it for you to give in to that piece of chocolate cake or burger when you were TRYING to eat healthy?

How easy was it to decide to read a book, watch TV, or go do something more fun instead of working out when you were TRYING to exercise regularly?

Contrast that with a time when you’ve committed yourself to something. Where the alternative was not an option.

How different was that experience?

And can you tell how different the energy feels in your body?

THIS energy of full commitment is what you need to become a peaceful parent.

If you’re fully committed to peaceful parenting, it doesn’t mean you’ll never falter. Not at all! But it does mean that when it happens, instead of giving up, you’ll go to work figuring out what you could have done differently, and what you still need to learn so it doesn’t keep happening.

But if you’re not fully committed, as soon as things aren’t quite working out it will be easy to switch to a more mainstream response to your children’s behaviors or feelings.

You’ll likely be easily swayed by others’ criticisms or different beliefs and it’ll be easy to think ‘oh I tried and it didn’t work out. I was right to doubt it.’

But it won’t be because it’s not possible that it didn’t work out.

It’s going to be either because it takes some time to really embody it, or it could also be because you did it in a half ass way, so weren’t fully grounded in it.

Does that make sense?

As far as finding that place of commitment within you, I’m honestly not really sure how to do it, because in my life, all the significant commitments I’ve made have arisen organically, and I’ve not been able to conjure them at will.

BUT I do know that total commitment to a goal, as I did when I committed myself to my girls never feeling unloved and unworthy the way I did, is what’s allowed me to achieve things in my life that everyone told me where impossible.

One thing that I do know helps, from working with lots of moms, is surrounding yourself with other parents who have the same values as you do, and are committed to peaceful parenting, and maybe a bit more experienced and skilled than you are, so you can learn from them and see what it looks like in real life!

And if you really resonate with my work and my perspective and are ready to fully commit yourself and take action to become a peaceful parent NOW, I’d seriously consider signing up for one of my highly effective programs.

This will not only bring you a step-by-step map to get there, the support and the like-minded tribe that I talked about, but since you will experience some serious positive shifts in your family quickly, it will go a long way, if you’re not already there, to fully believing that it’s possible to parent peacefully and have ease and harmony in your family, and to inspire you to fully commit yourself to it.

So… are you? Fully committed to peaceful parenting? And if not, what’s in your way of doing so?

And if you are fully committed, are you consistently living it yet? If not, what needs to happen to move you toward it?

Ready to do whatever it takes to successfully and consistently parent peacefully by fall time?

Then join me in my next Clean Parenting™ group!

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What's The Ideal Spacing Between Siblings?

2/15/2017

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By Eliane, founder of Parenting For Wholeness

How do you know if your family is ready for another child?

Of course, child spacing and the number of children a family has is a highly personal decision, and depends on many different factors.

Only you know what is right for your family, and there are benefits and disadvantages to any age gap between children, as well as to any family size.

But I'm asked this question by moms in the context of the focus my work, the aim of which is to:

raise children who have a healthy sense of self and intact spirits
help moms successfully parent peacefully and in alignment with their values
have families experience ease and harmony in their day-to-day lives
have everyone’s core needs met so that every family member can thrive

What I discuss below is what I believe will give you the best chance of experiencing this in your family.

First of all, I don’t believe there’s an ideal age difference between children. But there are certain CONDITIONS that ideally are in a place before a new sibling is brought into a family.

Insuring that these conditions are met will limit or even eliminate any trauma from being caused to the older child(ren) and allow a relatively smooth transition for the whole family (mom or the primary caregiver in particular.)

In general, those conditions are:

being in a place of being able to meet multiple children's needs along with your own
being in a place where you successfully parent in alignment with your values most of the time
your child(ren) being physically and emotionally ready to take care of some of their own needs or wait to get some of their needs met (which in my experience happens somewhere between ages 2 1/2 and 4, frequently later for boys than girls.)

I told a group of moms I was working with in my Clean Parenting™ Program last year that I really wished all parents who aspire to raise whole children and are committed to peaceful parenting took the time to master it before having a second child.

And was told that by one that she really wished this message had been conveyed to her.

Hence this article for all parents considering adding another child to their family, who might feel the same way. You now have the info. :-)

The reason I feel strongly about parents doing the work before having a second child is that when we only have one child, it can be relatively easy to compensate for small chinks in:

1. their sense of self (such as sometimes not feeling worthy, feeling that something’s wrong with them, or that they don’t matter)
2. our relationship with them (sometimes not feeling like we’re on their side, feeling welcome, trusted, connected, loved or liked.)

But it becomes much harder when we have two children!

Our focus on a child other than them, our diminished availability, our increased tiredness and often irritability end up increasing the chink in our child’s sense of self and the quality of our relationship with them.

And this often starts a downward spiral of the child acting out their discomfort, the parent enjoying them less and being more irritated with them, the child’s sense of self and quality of the parent’s relationships with them diminishing, the child acting out even more as a result of that, and on and on…

This is one reason why the vast majority of the people who work with me do so because of issues with their oldest child (stay tuned for an article on this, describing my pretty extensive theory on this subject. You can sign up for my email list here.)

In detail, here’s what I tell moms I’d love for them to be experiencing before having a second child:

You are consistently parenting as though your child is innately good
You react to every negative reaction by wondering what the root cause of it is, and addressing that.
You are on the same team, and live as that.
You’re firmly established as a benevolent leader, and your child easily listens to you. And if he doesn’t, you know there’s a reason for it, and you address that cause.
Your child’s core needs are met.
Most of your own needs are met.
You address seeming conflicts by looking for win-win’s, and usually find them.
Your life is set up in a way that all of you can thrive.

(See the list of recommended articles below for more on most of these topics.)

You’ll find that if you’ve achieved that, parenting your second child with likely be effortless.

You’ll experience what I call unconscious parenting (in the most positive of ways!) because you’ll know what you’re doing, will be tapped in to your instincts and won’t be in your head trying to think through everything like you did with your first.

And it’s very likely that your oldest child’s adjustment to a new sibling will be pretty smooth (though you can still expect some reactions and backsliding during the adaptation period.)

So if at all possible, do whatever it takes to get to the place I described for you!

It can be HARD WORK to get there, but it absolutely IS attainable and it’s so worth it!!

(You can check out the following articles for more on this: Is This Really Possible?!? One Family's Experience of Natural Parenting and Parenting Can Be Easy?!?)

And if you can’t get there on your own AND are committed to parenting peacefully and raising whole children, please get support (and ideally before having more children.)

I offer 2 effective parenting programs to support you in this: my Quick Start Program and my intensive and life transforming Clean Parenting™ Program. If you’re not clear on which is best suited for you, email me and I’ll help you determine it.

An interesting result of the Clean Parenting™ one (and unexpected to me!) is moms of one, who didn’t feel ready for or equipped to have a second child when starting it often feel ready and/or confident in their ability to parent 2 by the end of it, just two months later.

YOU ALREADY HAVE MULTIPLE CHILDREN?

If you already have multiple children and are recognizing yourself and your oldest child in some of what I’ve shared, please don’t despair.

It’s not too late.

It just takes a bit more work and focus to regain (or reach) a place of harmony, and to heal any damage your child might have experienced. (This is a significant part of the work I do with parents of multiple children in my Clean Parenting™ Program.)

But it definitely CAN be done!

For some initial guidance on what is needed to reach this place or harmony and help your child start to heal, request my free report The Almost Magical Formula for Surprising Ease and Harmony in Your Family While Fully Honoring Your Children’s Spirits and check out my article Two Keys to Resolving Behavior Issues.

I hope you’ve gained some valuable information and guidance from this article. I know the parenting ideal I describe can feel unattainable to some parents.

But it’s important to me to make it be known to those of you who are yearning for it that it IS possible to mostly consistently parent peacefully and to raise children who have an intact sense of self.

And, in the context of this article’s topic, to have an easy adjustment to a new sibling, which in my family was also followed by no real sibling rivalry and very infrequent fighting between my 3 girls.

So if some place in you recognizes the truth of what I’m speaking of, but you’re not yet living it in your family, I urge you to get support.

(You can read stories of many parents who have done the work and experienced the transformation in their families here.)

You and your children deserve to live this beautiful harmony!

Lots of love,

If you’d like some help consistently parenting from a place of knowing your children are innately good and making sure their core needs are met, check out my Clean Parenting Program.

I run 3 groups annually, with a maximum of 10 participants each. Check the program page for the next group's start date and for info on how to contact me regarding available space.

I would LOVE to support you in the amazing journey that is that program if it resonates with you!

Here's what a mom who just completed it wrote to me:

"I am writing this and crying because what your program as given me and my family is a gift from God/Source. The love I feel for my children and empathy I am able to gift them because of doing this work is miraculous to me. Before doing this I was trying so hard all the time and it was exhausting. I felt like I was failing a lot and there was love between us (an abundance even) but I couldn't feel it all the time because I was blocked by my own stuff that I didn't even know was there.

Doing this program step-by-step, reading the articles, answering the questions, implementing the tools all led me down the path, to the answer I didn't even know I needed to find. The source of my upset and the place where I disconnected from my son. I don't ever have to feel that again- the pain, the anguish, the hurt that was there when I didn't feel connected or loving towards him- now there is just PURE LOVE.

I am still crying- Thank you Eliane xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx"

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Two Keys To Resolving Behavior Issues

10/5/2016

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I’m coming to end of the program in my current Clean Parenting group, the point where the breakthroughs happen, and where the situations the parents have been working with the whole program finally get resolved.

And something’s become crystal clear to me this time around (the 10th time around!)

There are many important things we work on throughout the program. Things like:

Having realistic expectations
Believing children are innately good
Being on the same team
Becoming a clear and benevolent leader
Differentiating between non-negotiables and preferences
Learning how to handle each of those
Identifying the cause of children’s behaviors and the underlying needs beneath them, so those can be addressed
Expressing ourselves cleanly, respectfully and authentically
Practicing empathy

And though things change in families, frequently even dramatically, in the first four weeks of the program, it’s not until the fifth week that the stubborn behavior issues that are often the ones that led parents to sign up for the program get almost magically resolved.

And it’s when we get to the point of digging into and implementing two things:

1. Identifying the core unmet need that the child might have and working on meeting it.

2. Making sure that all the interactions with the child come from a place of knowing the child is innately good, and being on his team.

Though these are often intimately connected, we still come at them from a different angle.

Let me say a bit more about each of them.

IDENTIFYING THE CORE NEED AND MEETING IT:

One premise to my work is that all ‘misbehavior’ is a symptom of an unmet need, and that it’s our job as a parents to identify that need and either meet it or support the child in meeting it, or at least take it into account in how we handle the child’s behavior.

It’s important to realize that this need can’t always be met right in the moment.

Examples of this are:

A tired toddler gets frustrated or angry at the dinner table and throws his dish on the floor. But you want to finish mealtime before taking him to bed.
A child hits her baby sister because she no longer feels that she matters, but she not in a place where you can have with her the conversation that will help her access and process her hurt and sad feelings.
A child refuses to leave his friend’s house because his social needs aren’t sufficiently met in his life.

So all you can do in the moment is empathize, handle the situation as best you can, and plan on figuring out how to meet the child’s need later on.

But to get the results I described earlier, we take this a step deeper and ask ourselves, for each child, what is a core need that isn’t met in his life?

And I’m talking about core needs on the level of FEELING loved, liked, welcome, enjoyed, that they matter, etc.

Once we identify that need, we go to work on figuring out how to meet that need for a child. In my program, because we’ve laid a strong foundation through working on all the elements I listed above, it’s relatively easy to do, once we pointedly focus on this.

(Click here for an audio on this topic.)

HAVING ALL INTERACTIONS COME FROM A PLACE OF BEING ON THE SAME TEAM AND KNOWING THE CHILD IS INNATELY GOOD

If a child is treated as though he’s bad, wrong, or needs to be fixed, he won’t feel good about himself, and therefore won’t be able to be his best self.

If he doesn’t feel his caregiver is on his side, he won’t feel like cooperating because he’ll see the other, rightly so, as an adversary.

And this is true even if the mom is doing and saying the ‘right’ things but not really feeling them, just going through the motions.

Think about this for yourself. How do you act around someone who you don’t feel trusts you, is looking for you to mess up, isn’t concerned about the quality of your experience in the moment, and just wants you to behave a certain way? And how do you act when you feel seen, valued, trusted, connected to the person you’re with, and that they really care about your experience?

Though this one is pretty self-explanatory, it can take work as well as a certain level of proficiency in handling situations and setting limits peacefully, to be able to put it into practice.

Some of the strategies we use to shift to a place of consistently seeing children as innately good and being on their team are:

Remembering that all ‘misbehaviors’ are a call for help or an expression of an unmet need, and committing to helping the child and meeting his needs instead of primarily focusing on controlling behavior. And making sure to come from this perspective whenever addressing a challenging behavior.
Before addressing a behavior, taking a moment to look into the child’s eyes to see her and connect with her. Or connecting with the love for her in one’s heart.
Putting oneself into the child’s shoes and looking at the situation from their perspective. Asking what might going on inside of him that’s causing him to behave this way.
Reading the book The Continuum Concept or watching the interview of Jean Liedloff, its author, which powerfully make the point that children are innately good and that challenging behaviors that they exhibit are caused by their circumstances and are not their fault.
Doing some inner work to clear the negative feelings that get activated by the children.

It’s been heartwarming to hear of the changes in children once the moms’ focuses changed. No longer hitting siblings. Being able to name feelings and stop behaviors midway. Becoming more affectionate. Opening up to moms.

And hearing from the moms that they’re finally starting to get what I mean when I say that parenting CAN be easy.

If you’d like some help consistently parenting from a place of knowing your children are innately good and making sure their core needs are met, check out my Clean Parenting Program.

Check out my program page for the date of my next group. I run it a few times a year with a maximum of 10 participants per group.

I would LOVE to support you in the amazing journey that is that program if it resonates with you!

Warmly,

FOR HELP ON PARENTING in the way I describe in this article, request my FREE REPORT:

The Almost Magical Formula for surprising EASE and HARMONY in your family while fully honoring your children’s spirits.

Click Here to Request The Report

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Interview of Eliane on Parenting For Wholeness

9/11/2016

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Peaceful parenting that works, heals, and changes the world.

I was recently interviewed by Julie Lewis and Dana D'Arville of Julie Lewis Coaching for the telesummit
"Parenting Your Learning Challenged Child."

You can listen to this 30ish minute interview here:

For all of you telling me you want more audios, here it is! :-) I hope you enjoy listening.

Eliane Sainte-Marie, founder of Parenting For Wholeness, creator of the transfomational Clean Parenting™ Program and author of the upcoming book "Clean Parenting: peaceful parenting that works, heals, and changes the world."

Here are the questions I was asked during the interview:

As a coach who teaches parenting for wholeness, you discuss the idea of identifying the needs under negative behaviour and figuring out how to meet those needs. Could you please discuss this with us?
You recommend parents take the role of being the clear leader, keeping the mindset that children are innately good. Could you please discuss this?
You use a lovely phrase "empathy is like magic". What is the role of empathy in parenting for wholeness?
One of your main messages is that it’s possible to have ease and harmony in families. What would your top tips be for parents of exceptional children, so they can move toward having that ease and harmony in their families?
You also discuss how important it is for parents to understand and meet their own needs. Why is this so important, and how do help parents achieve this?

FOR HELP IN PARENTING in the way I describe in the interview, request my FREE REPORT:

The Almost Magical Formula for surprising EASE and HARMONY in your family while fully honoring your children’s spirits .

Click Here to Request The Report

Ready to be living my promise that
parenting CAN be easy?

Check out my transformational
Clean Parenting Program!!

Click the image for information and lots of testimonials of parents like you who have transformed their families through this program.

My next group starts Monday March 13th and I still have several open spots in it (limit 10 participants.)

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What I really Mean When I Ask For Playdates (guest post)

9/10/2016

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Guest post by JOANNA STEVEN of The Nourished Village

“Our kids are playing so well together! Would you like to get together again?”

I have said this very sentence more times than I can remember since my first boy was about 2 years old. But after I and the other mom strap the kids in the car, nothing else happens. We just become that mom we met one time at the park. Names are forgotten, faces become a blur.

Little by little, I started to lose hope. When even the moms who ask for my email never get back to me, why keep trying? For a while, I stopped asking for play dates, until one time at the Farmer’s Market. I had met a mom whose little boy’s name was Django, like our favorite gypsy jazz guitarist. He was a little younger than mine, but they were having fun. I could sense that she wanted us to meet again, but I did not make the first step. Neither did she. I never saw her again. I still feel bad about it. Why did I stop trying? Because things didn’t work out before? I was never one to give up so quickly.

Now, I still ask moms less and less if they want to get together for the kids to play, but every Spring, with the nice weather and city parks that are slowly exchanging the foot deep rain puddles for kids excited to be outside, I get out of my funk. I dream of the ways things could be if we all lived in tribe of women with children of different ages.

I remember why I really ask moms for playdates. It’s about more than two children playing together.

Mom, this is what I am really asking for when I invite you over for playdates.

I am asking for a grown up to talk to, because as much as I love blowing raspberries on my toddler’s foot and hearing him laugh, I love hearing you talk about the latest book you read, or what your plans are this summer. Loving the company of other adults does not mean we love our children less. It means that we are made to thrive within a community.

I am asking for a family of friends, not just for me, but also for my children. I want them to see what a normal relationship with another person is, outside of the romantic relationship between his parents. Growing up, my parents did not have many friends and worked a lot, and as an adult, it took me a long time to become friends with men. Why should I, I thought, since I already had a husband? I want to get to know you. I want to get to know your children. I want to get to know your husband. I want to get to know your parents. I want you to meet my family. Because you’re not just just the caretaker of a little child, you are a whole person with a family who made you who you are.

I am asking for your whole tribe to play with mine. I want my children to interact with children of different ages and gender, not just a 3 year old because he’s 3. Not just a boy because he’s a boy. Our children are learning about how to live in a diverse society through their friendships and their parents’ friendships. I want our children to learn to be gentle with babies, and I want their brains to be shaped by their interactions with children of all shapes and sizes.

I am asking for a security blanket. I want to be there for you when you need to see the doctor. Or even if you need to go on vacation with your partner, and remember what it felt like to be just the two of you. I want you to be there for me when the baby hasn’t slept all night, and I haven’t either, and my older child is bouncing off the walls. I want us to be there for each other, so we don’t have panic attacks wondering who will care for our children when we can’t.

I am asking for the healing that happens when two tired mothers drink a warm cup of tea together, and watch their children laugh and play, and they remember that yes, motherhood can be easy. It should be easy. We only need to get together more often. I want our children to see that, too, so that when they are parents themselves and find life difficult, they remember our example. They don’t need more money to make parenting easier. They need friends for life.

I am asking for all this, and more, when I ask for playdates. I am asking you and I to look deep into our ancient heritage, when we lived in communities, enjoyed both baby talk and adult conversations, and did not isolate ourselves in boxes where we each cooked the same meal separately and ate alone.

Together, we are stronger. We are happier. We may feel like there is no time, that we are already overwhelmed enough. There’s grocery shopping to be done, houses to clean, dinners to be cooked. But mom, hear me out. Getting together does not add to the overwhelm. It alleviates it. It bring joy to our hearts, and delights our children who get to play with friends while feeling secure, knowing that we are nearby.

Our kids play so well together. Would you like to get together again?

Joanna Steven

Joanna Steven is an Amazon best-selling author, and the founder of The Nourished Village, a nurturing community for moms and their families. Her work as been published in Eco Hearth, Elephant Journal, Get Fresh! Yum.Gluten Free Magazine, Girlie Girl Army, and more.

She regularly shares kid-friendly vegetarian recipes on her blog, and loves to interact with other moms on her Facebook page and Twitter.

Are you a mom who says NO to spanking, YES to unconditional love, and YES to delicious, nourishing foods?
You can join Joanna Steven's tribe of like minded mothers
and download one of her Amazon best-selling ebooks for free! Find out more here.

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6 Helpful Tips For Bringing Dad On Board With Peaceful Parenting

1/27/2016

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By Eliane, founder of Parenting For Wholeness

A different version of this article was originally published in La Leche League’s New Beginnings in 2001 under the title When Dad Disagrees.

Article by Eliane: 6 Helpful Tips For Bringing Dad On Board With Peaceful Parenting. Parenting For Wholeness ~ positive parenting that works, heals, and changes the world

Are you pouring your heart and soul into being the absolute best mom you can possibly be?

Doing everything you can to embody peaceful parenting, determined that your children’s needs and spirits be lovingly attended to?

And are you then sometimes met with resistance by your husband who thinks the way most children are parented is ‘just fine’?

And who thinks something you’re doing must not be right because your children don’t just obey you or sleep through the night like others do?

This is the case for many moms I talk to. And I happen to have written my very first article on this topic, a lifetime ago when I was still a young mom, for La Leche League’s New Beginnings magazine.

So I decided to edit it (it was pretty rough!) and re-publish it on my own website, with LLL’s permission, so I can share it with you.

My husband and I had many disagreements when it came to children's issues, but I am pleased to say that over time, we developed a philosophy of parenting we completely agreed on.

I want to share with you some of the tips that have helped me get there (and that have now also helped many other mothers) in the hopes that they may also help you find your way to parenting on the same page as your partner.

I HAD TO FIND A WAY!

Once I became a mom and started learning about natural parenting, I knew this was the only way I was willing parent.

It wasn’t an option for me to do anything that didn’t feel right to me.

And it wasn’t an option to have my daughters grow up with any of the issues I was plagued by, as the result of the way I myself was parented.

So I knew I had to find a way to get my husband on board.

And this was at least a decade before I started learning any relationship skills, or even had an inkling that my feelings and preferences actually mattered, so I had to get very creative in it.

Here are some strategies and insights I used that really helped my hubby and I get on the same page as parents:

1. PARENTING MISSION STATEMENT

To begin with, we created a mission statement for our parenting. This exercise was powerful in helping us achieve clarity on what we most wanted for our only child at the time.
It says:

"We will nurture our children with loving guidance, encouraging them to follow their bliss, and helping them develop spiritual awareness, self esteem, self confidence, and empathy."

We printed our Mission Statement, and it lived on our refrigerator door.

So if we found ourselves disagreeing on how to handle a situation with our girls (or I should say with Cassandra, since it’s so much more work with the first one!) we would refer to our mission statement.

We would then think about how each option fit in with our goals for our children.

For example, if we were thinking about whether or not to put our child in time-out, we would realize that it didn’t fit our mission statement because imposing negative consequences is not lovingly guiding children or empathetic, and doesn't foster self-esteem or encourage them following their bliss.

Another example would be if we were trying to decide whether we should make our daughter wear a special outfit for a party.

Our mission statement doesn't mention wanting our children to conform to the social norms. We agreed that we wanted them to develop self-confidence, which is encouraged by letting children make as many decisions as possible for themselves—including decisions about clothes.

Having a mission statement we both agreed on provided an objective resource which helped cut through the feelings and resistance that could get activated in those conversations.

2. PRESENTING NEW IDEAS

At some blessed point, I discovered a way to present new ideas to Mike that provided the space for him to listen with an open mind.

I would first mention the new idea I had heard or thought about.

And then… I would say NOTHING.

If he wanted more information, he would ask for it. Otherwise, it'd be the end of the conversation.

I found that if I asked him what he thought right away, he tended to look for arguments against the idea.

But if I waited until the following day, week or month to ask his opinion, he had often already agreed with me because he had time to think about it in a non-threatening, relaxed way.

And if he wasn’t yet in agreement, he was at least more open to discussing the idea, without being defensive, so we could have a more open-minded conversation.

As my daughters grew, I've found that this approach works well with them as well. :-)

3. PICK YOUR MOMENT

Please.

DO NOT share your new idea with your hubby the second he walks in the door, exhausted from a long week at work, while the children are jumping on him for attention!

This will make it very unlikely he’ll be excited about it.

Pick your moment when engaging in serious or potentially conflictual conversations! Do it on a laid-back weekend morning, or on a long car drive while the children have dozed off.

Engaging in those conversations when your partner is tired, on the way out the door, or preoccupied by something greatly diminishes the likelihood that he’ll be open to what you have to say.

4. IT’S MY JOB!

At times my husband didn’t understand why I was so focused on ‘figuring out’ parenting (one could arguably call it obsessed!) and so attached to our daughters.

It helped him relate to my situation when I compared it to his job.

He read the newspaper to keep up-to-date on the latest information, read books and magazines related to his field, frequently talked about various work issues with his co-workers, and still sometimes thought about his job when he was home with us.

I read parenting and self-help books, discussed ideas with trusted friends, and attended La Leche League and other parenting related meetings and conferences for similar reasons.

Parenting was my full-time career and I spent most of my time and energy on it because I loved it and found it worthwhile, the same way he did about his work.

And because parenting was my full-time job, I had many opportunities to be exposed to new ideas, which he didn’t.

5. ‘ALTERNATIVE’ PARENTING

Sometimes, Mike would talk about ways his co-workers were handling situations with their children differently than us, which seemed more ‘normal.’

I’d remind him first that those people didn’t live with us and our children and that we were best equipped to make decisions regarding what was best for our family.

And that many times people follow a mainstream approach to parenting because it’s what everyone else is doing, and it doesn’t really occur to them to question it.

But that good enough was just not good enough for our family.

His co-workers may not have unfortunately been thinking about their children’s emotional well-being, but that was very important to us.

They also probably thought that many children's behaviors in our society are normal instead of caused by parenting practices, such as babies crying, children not listening to their parents and being disrespectful, needing punishments or rewards to cooperate, adversarial relationships between parents and children, siblings fighting, not being able to go to nice public places with children, difficulty traveling with children, teenage rebellion, etc.

But as we learned in The Continuum Concept and came to know ourselves, those things may be the norm in our society, but they’re not normal for humans.

I also reminded him a few times that I’m actually a pretty smart and astute person (wasn’t that part of why he married me?) and that chances are I knew what I was talking about?

And that I also truly did want what was best for our children, just as he did.

And THAT was the reason I wouldn’t accept other people's or society’s ideas at face value.

FUN STORY

As Mike became more on board with our alternative way of parenting, he started realizing some of the benefits of it.

At some point a few of his employees had babies at the same time as us. The men would often come in to work exhausted, complaining about lack of sleep from being woken up by babies at night, taking care of them to give their wives a break, having taken over some of the feedings.

Mike would just grin as he’d tell them “I’m not tired at all, I NEVER wake up at night!” Audrey’s needs were fully met through me breastfeeding her, and since she was in bed with us, there was never a need for Mike to wake up.

He was a big proponent of our alternative lifestyle then! :-)

6. DEVELOPING YOUR EFFECTIVE PARENTING SKILLS

One more thing.

Since originally writing this article for New Beginnings 15 years ago, I’ve talked with and worked with thousands of people.

And one thing I’ve come to realize is that dads often have a hard time getting on board with peaceful parenting because many peaceful families end up being chaotic, with children not really listening to their parents and often acting out, and moms regularly getting irritated and feeling worn out.

So even though those dads might be open to peaceful parenting, they don’t really see it working.

And that’s because the moms unfortunately don’t know how to be the benevolent leader their children need, and don’t know how to respectfully yet clearly set limits. (Click here and here for some pointers on this.)

So what I now suggest to those moms is to get whatever support they need so their parenting DOES become effective.

(I’ve created here two highly effective programs to provide you with that support: my Quick Start Program and my Clean Parenting™ Program.)

When that happens, husbands are much more likely to get on board!

And all they then have to do is copy what the mom is doing to lovingly and respectfully guide their children.

CONCLUSION

I feel very lucky that I've been able to work things out with Mike, and that consequently I’ve been able to parent my daughters in full alignment with my values.

And I want this for you as well.

One reason this happened for us was of course because of our shared, sincere commitment to our mission statement.

But another big part of it was my steadfastness in finding effective ways to communicate my natural parenting ideals to Mike. And my taking 100% responsibility for making that happen.

What can YOU do, today, to move you and your partner toward parenting on the same team?

Let me know in the comments' section. I'd love to hear!

And if you'd like some help in it, check out my Step-By-Step Plan For Getting Your Partner On Board With Peaceful Parenting.

Lots of love,

To find out more about the parenting approach I used and now teach, which is so effective that it brought my husband fully on board, request my FREE report:

The Almost Magical Formula For Surprising Ease and Harmony in Your Family While Fully Honoring Your Children’s Spirits

Click here to request the REPORT

And for an enjoyable, connecting and effective way to get on the same team as parents, couples have done my Quick Start Program together!

This program provides a structured, practical and simple yet effective way to learn the peaceful parenting concepts. It guides you to systematically apply them to the specific situations you wrestle with in your day-to-day life, so they can become integrated.

The Quick Start Program could be THE solution to bringing you and your partner in alignment in your parenting, so your whole family can get along, be happy, and thrive!

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I Call It Clean Parenting: An Instinctual and Evolutionary Approach to Parenting

1/10/2016

2 Comments

By Eliane, founder of Parenting For Wholeness

WHY THIS NAME?

What IS Clean Parenting? And why the heck is it called that? It’s a bit of a funny name, isn’t it?

About a year ago, I started spontaneously referring to my approach as Clean Parenting, because it felt like the most accurate description of what it in fact is.

A lot of what makes this approach unique is what it’s NOT.

And a lot of the work I guide parents through is removing what is not serving them in their families, such as:

unlearning what has been taught to them and is assumed to be true
reversing or dissolving their conditioning
removing the negative habits of ways of interacting with children that are detrimental to relationships and to raising whole children

Article by Eliane ~ I Call It Clean Parenting: An Instinctual and Evolutionary Approach to Parenting That Leads To Incredible Ease and Harmony

What’s left once participants in my program go through the unlearning process and learn to live the core principles I teach is a way of parenting that is what our ancestors have practiced for 100’s of thousands of years. A natural and harmonious way of interacting with children without which the human race never would have survived.

When practicing Clean Parenting what you experience is connection to yourself, connection to your children, connection to your instincts and an unbiased awareness of the situation in front of you.

This in turn give you access to what’s called for in each situation.

The goal of Clean Parenting is not to remember anything you’ve read or learned but to tap into your instincts, into your inner knowing and the power of presence, where humans just like all other mammals KNOW how to parent!

(Did it ever occur to you to take your pregnant cat or dog to a male expert of their species to teach them how to care for their babies once they’re born?!?)

All the work I do with parents is to clear their way to this instinctual way of interacting with children that is still alive in them, buried under layers of conditioning.

WHAT IS CLEAN PARENTING?

I find it challenging to appropriately describe what Clean Parenting is because it’s a way of being, a stance.

You KNOW when you’re there because it feels right.

It feels good.

Down to your bones.

If feels grounded and clear.

And you feel your connection to yourself and to your child.

(You have experienced those moments, haven’t you? Imagine if your whole life you’re your children felt that way. THAT is what I want for you!)

Here’s my attempt at describing Clean Parenting:

My goal with Clean Parenting is to bring children to adulthood with an intact sense of self
It’s a way of parenting that’s free of personal agenda
It fully honors who each child is
It provides the nurturing and the space for them to grow into whoever they are meant to or want to be
It taps into the natural order of things, from an evolutionary perspective
It meets children’s needs based on how they are biologically wired as a species, not based on the latest modern fad or opinion
It is free of personal conditioning and attuned to what’s best for the child, the situation, and all involved
It’s based on the knowledge that babies and children are very capable and blossom through trust
It doesn’t use quick fixes but makes sure that situations are handled in ways that meet our children’s long term well being
Situations are handled from a place of being grounded and present, not from a place of fear, and not based on others’ beliefs or fear of their opinion of us
Relationships are based on honesty and authenticity
When we react, we deal with what’s triggered in us instead of trying to change our children so we can feel better
It’s not based on beliefs and techniques, but connected to our instincts and our inner truth
When parenting cleanly, we are connected to ourselves and to our child, which means we have access to our natural compassion, our love for our children and our innate wisdom and instincts

THE PRINCIPLES

There ARE a few principles I consider to be core to Clean Parenting.

Each of the principles is designed to bring you back to the way of being I described above, to connect you to yourself, to your children, and to attune yourself to the situation.

These core principles, from which ideally all parenting attitudes, actions and responses will arise out of, are:

Children are innately good and cooperative, and our job as parents is learn to tap into that.
Children are already whole and capable and need to be honored and trusted.
Clean Parenting happens when we live with our children as though we’re on the same team.
It’s of critical importance that we identify our children’s unmet needs and find ways to meet them.
Children need a clear, grounded, benevolent leader to thrive.
Empathy is the magical solution whenever children are experiencing negative emotions, to help them feel validated and to process those feelings.
It’s also of critical importance that you honor your own feelings and needs as a parent, and strive to meet those as well.
Apparent conflicts are handled with a focus on finding win-win solutions, so that everyone’s needs in the family can be met.
True well-being can only happen in families once we have realistic expectations: of children, of ourselves, of our life, including of the limits of our situation.

Though I write and talk about numerous parenting related topics (and have already started writing three different parenting books!) most of what you hear me say can go back to one of the principles above.

CLEAN PARENTING IS NOT A TECHNIQUE!

Someone recently complained in response to one of my articles that ‘there wasn’t a single how-to in there.’ And yes, she was absolutely right.

If what you’re looking for is tips and techniques to handle situations that come up with your children or to change their behavior, Clean Parenting™ is NOT what you’re looking for.

Though there may be tips and strategies I offer that are helpful, the reason they are is because they re-align you with the core principles of Clean Parenting.

A mom who was registering for my Clean Parenting™ Program last week wanted to get a sense of how I work with the participants. She asked me what I’d respond to a situation she had just experienced, where her son had a meltdown at bedtime.

I told her that I generally hate those questions asked outside of the context of one of my programs because there’s rarely a RIGHT way to handle situations.

How I would work with her on this situation would be to ask what was going on with her son that he had a meltdown. What needs of his might be unmet. How his life is feeling overall these days. If he’s had any negative experience recently that is still unprocessed. How his relationships with his parents currently is. If she’s consistently being a clear benevolent leader to him.

I also told her that through the program, after I get to know her and her child, I’ll likely have suggestions on how she could handle the situation because I'll then have the full perspective.

Clean Parenting is for you if you’re looking for an approach to parenting that will ensure that your children grow up whole and if you want a deeply mutually respectful and cooperative relationship.

And once that’s established, problems are rare and are easily resolved.

THE PROMISE OF CLEAN PARENTING

It can take time to ‘clean up’ our parenting. To unlearn what gets in the way of our connection to our children. To create new pathways of responses to replace our negative conditioning. To reliably live the principles of Clean Parenting. And to unhook our ‘stuff’ from our interactions with our children.

(Though you CAN make massive headway toward it in just 2 months through my Clean Parenting Program! Click the link if you’re ready to live what I described.)

But once you ARE embodying Clean Parenting, parenting can become so easy that it may no longer even feel like parenting!

That was the case for me.

I honestly just felt like I was living my life with these 3 younger beings, with whom I interacted from a place of presence. Yes, it was a lot of work when they were little, but the parenting part was often times effortless.

Once you know this place in your bones and can readily access it, parenting becomes straightforward and instinctual. You can forget all the concepts you learned because you live connected to the truth of them as it lives in your bones.

And as a result, your children feel good about themselves, are happy and cooperative, and grow up feeling whole.

Life in your family is easy, harmonious, and joyful.

And that, my friend, is an incredible thing.

Lots of love,

ARE YOU READY TO BE LIVING WHAT I DESCRIBED, in just a few months?

Then check out my Clean Parenting™ Program!

I run 3 groups annually, with a maximum of 10 participants each. Check the program page for the next group's start date and for info on how to contact me regarding available space.

I would LOVE to support you in the amazing journey that is that program if it resonates with you!

If you think it might be, email me at Eliane@ParentingForWholeness.com to schedule your FREE 30 minute
Parenting Can Be Easy! Strategy Session.

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Finding Our Word of the Year - A Powerful Practice

1/6/2016

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By Eliane, founder of Parenting For Wholeness

Article: Finding Our Word of the Year - A Powerful Practice. By Eliane of Parenting For Wholeness ~ Positive parenting that works, heals, and changes the world

I'm so excited about this practice that I want to share it with everyone!!!

It's been a powerful practice for me and I'd love for you to have that experience as well, if it speaks to you.

Here's my experience with it for the past 2 years, along with some guidance on how you can come up with your word for 2016.

In the last few weeks, I’ve found myself filled with a brand new feeling: patience. And if you have known me for a while, it’s probably the last word you’d associate with me.

Here’s a bit of background:

Even though I was born in 1968, I feel like I came to life in 1993.

Why? Because it’s the year I read my first self-help book.

The year I realized that there were actually solutions to the issues I’d been trying to figure out since I was a young child!

Issues like:

Why I felt an emptiness inside me.
Why I didn’t have a life where I felt loved while my best friend did.
How to get rid of the continuous sense of unease I lived with.
How to change myself so I’d no longer be wrong and bad and therefore could finally be loved.
How to get people to be interested in me, want to be friends with me, love me.

I realized when I read those first self-help books that there was a way out of how I was feeling, that there was a way to improve my life and to make the changes in me that I wanted.

Since then, I’ve been working on myself relentlessly. Working on improving myself, healing myself, creating what I most longed for, etc.

There have been many ups and downs: many depressions and periods of apparent stagnation, and also many periods of great joy, alignment and flow with life, creativity, progress.

And always, underlying it all, a drive to get somewhere, to move more quickly through my list of things to work on, so I could finally be the person I wanted to be, so I could finally have what I most longed for, so I could finally no longer live in emotional pain.

2014

Somewhere around the beginning of 2014, I came across Christine Kane’s idea of picking a word for the year as an alternative to New Year’s resolutions.

I love this kind of exercise so I decided to play. I spent a bit of time pondering what was ready to be birthed in my life in the coming year, and my word came to me very easily: SHINE.

I had just launched Parenting For Wholeness a few months before, and felt that what was called for was for me to really own my gifts, my purpose in the world. To fully step into my ability teach what I knew, to inspire, to help people, to make my difference in the world. There was a deep knowing in me that THIS was my next thing.

When I came to the end of the year, I realized that my word had massively come to life in my life: I had created a thriving business, had a rapidly growing following, had created several successful programs (including my Clean Parenting™ Program which many have said is THE bridge between the theory and practice for peaceful parents, and should be taught in all schools,) and already had many clients whose lives had been changed through the parenting and emotional healing work I did with them.

2015

So I was excited when came time to pick my word for 2015. But this one felt less exciting. It was much more personal and vulnerable. What my inner knowing told me I was ready to grow into was LOVE.

As someone who grew up not feeling loved and feeling that she was deeply flawed, one of my biggest struggles in life has been dealing with love addiction. Getting lost in relationships in the hopes of finally filling this painful hole inside of me that still so desperately craved the love and unconditional acceptance all children should have.

I’ve also as a result of it struggled with many other, interchangeable addictions, like cigarettes, food, tv, even dancing, as well as my addiction to fixing myself so I’d finally be good enough to be loved and feel worthy.

So 2015 was about really learning to love myself. No longer being at war with myself, judging myself, or trying to fix myself. Fully accepting myself, all my feelings and preferences, learning to give myself what I’ve most needed and longed for from others.

One powerful thing that evolved throughout the year is that the unhealthy relationships I was still engaged in really got highlighted. I did loads of healing work in my weekly counseling sessions, to clear all the crap that was keeping me stuck in relationships that caused me a lot of pain.

Through this work, I realized I had to let relationships go. I started truly valuing myself.

I discovered that I actually deserve to be happy!

And that as a highly sensitive person (HSP) being around toxic people is not something I’m able to do if I want to thrive and even be functional.

And then I discovered just a few weeks ago that there is nothing wrong with me.

This fall, I realized that I what I wanted was to learn to live WITH me. To really get to know myself and to accept myself unconditionally, the way I do my 3 daughters and strive to accept everyone.

What would my life look like if I fully honor every part of me, every quirk, every sensitivity and challenge? If I really learned to do Eliane well, giving her what she needs to really thrive and flourish, to fully meet her needs?

REALIZATION

About 2 weeks ago, driving back from the grocery store, I started thinking about 2016, and what word I’d want for it.

And I was awed to realize the extent to which each of my words came true in the past 2 years!

I really am shining. I’ve built a pretty amazing business with a wonderful team, being fully myself, with a large following who is really supported and inspired by my work.

From being a complete unknown 2 years ago, I saw a post recently from a mom I don’t even know describing while sharing one of my articles that she ‘used to practice attachment parenting but now practices parenting for wholeness.’

I’m now regularly contacted to speak and be featured in publications.

And I do feel love now. Not only do I live with a deep acceptance of myself, and a commitment to get to know myself and learn to create a way of living that will fully meet my needs and honor me, but I’ve developed 2 new incredibly deep friendships that feed me in places I didn’t know were accessible.

When treated with carelessness, lack of care, kindness or respect, instead of it feeling normal because it’s what I was used to for 47 years, it now feels off and I no longer put up with it.

So on that drive back from the grocery store, I was filled with hope to realize that what I most deeply need and long for is absolutely accessible to me.

Two years in a row, I chose a quality that was most calling out to me and achieved it in ways I wouldn’t have even imagined possible. This made me incredibly excited about each new year to come, about the potential for my life over the next years and decades.

It makes me feel incredibly empowered and for the first time in my life, I KNOW that whatever I most want IS accessible for me.

Hence my life is now filled with a deep sense of trust and this oh so new feeling: patience.

Having lived with a sense of urgency my whole life, how relaxing it is to finally feel that I have time, that there’s no rush!

2017

Back to this drive a few weeks ago, I asked myself ‘What do I want for 2016?’

And I knew, without a doubt, what I wanted more than anything else in life. I’ve wanted it for a very long time.

It’s a feeling I’ve experienced many times in my life, but most of the time only for a few days, sometimes weeks, and one time, from 1993 to 1995, for 2 years: THRIVING.

What I call thriving is when I’m in a sense of flow. Things work out easily for me. Sometimes even magically. I feel in alignment with myself, instead of what I’ve felt most of my life: at war, judging myself, in resistance, feeling that life is hard, in lethargy, depressions, drowning in uncomfortable emotions, unable to make decisions, feeling unable to do life and function in the most simple of ways.

When I’m thriving, I easily care for every aspect of my life and even sometimes achieve a quality that’s extremely elusive for me: balance.

But sitting at a stop light, I could feel that though I do deeply want to live from that place of thriving, it’s not my word for 2016.

I’m not ready for that.

It’s a deep longing and long term goal, but not what my being knows is next for me.

2016

And then I knew.

As I thought of what IS my word for 2016, my breath deepened and there was a deep sense of knowing in my belly.

It’s not glamorous and won’t make it on a list of enlightened or empowering words. Yet just as I’m about to type it here, I’m getting choked up. Because it’s something I really desperately want in my life: to FUNCTION.

I no longer have grand expectations that I’ll be an action machine, ultra-productive all the time, as I blessedly get to experience occasionally.

I’m no longer trying to eradicate the part of me that needs lots of down time, that needs to turn in and cocoon herself, that’s so sensitive that many things that feel like no big deal to most affect her deeply.

But I do trust that as I really accept myself, honor my feelings, honor what’s really important to me, honor my deep sensitivity and the unique way I experience life, I can and will find a way to function in the world.
I’ll no longer spend lots of time overwhelmed in negative feelings, because I’ll be lovingly addressing them on a deep level, I’ll be meeting my needs, and creating a life that feeds me and works for me.

I’ll no longer continuously be caught up in the should-rebellion civil war that’s plagued me my whole life. The rebellion that’s served me beautifully when I refused to do what I was told by relatives, society and so-called experts. I ignored everything I was told that didn’t feel right when it came to parenting, how I lived my life, and even how I grew Parenting For Wholeness. Yet this rebellion really backfires on me as it turns anything that’d be good for me into a ‘should,’ like eating healthfully, caring for my body, taking care of tasks that are important to me or meeting my responsibilities.

I’ll learn to care for myself in a way that feels loving and works for me, is not a ‘should,’ so I’ll have the energy and desire to attend to this amazing life, community and mission I’m blessed to have.

My beautiful word lives in me and I feel it lovingly and steadily pulling me toward what will most fulfill me.

I really can’t wait to see where I’ll be at this exact time next year!

YOUR WORD

How about you? Do you have a word that comes to mind for 2016? If so, I’d love to have you share it with me in the comments, along with a little background (or not,) if you’d like.

I had everyone on my team and in my Sisterhood group do it, and I’ve been amazed at how powerful and engaging of an exercise it’s been for all of them as well!

It’s been touching and connecting to read what each woman chose. We’re saving the Facebook conversation so we can look back on it at the end of the year.

Some of the women, including myself, have ALREADY started experiencing benefits in their lives from the clarity we got doing the exercise a few weeks ago.

Words of the year that came up were self-love, dancer, forgive, clarity, presence, awareness, luxuriance, friendship, bravery, honesty, courage and emancipate.

If you don’t spontaneously find your word as I did, business coach Christine Kane came up with a process that many of the moms in my group used to find theirs. You can request her ‘Word of the Year’ Discovery Tool here.

I can’t wait to read what you’ll post in the comment section if you decide to do this exercise and share it with me!

And I also can’t wait to see where we’ll both be at the end of 2016, having used our word to guide our year.

I wish for you, for 2016, what will most feed your heart and fulfill you.

Lots of love,

And if you're ready to experience a peaceful and joyful family life, where EVERYONE's needs are met, including yours,

I still have a few spots in my Clean Parenting™ Program starting Monday January 11th.

Email me at Eliane@ParentingForWholeness.com to schedule your free 30 minute session, so we can explore if this in-depth transformational parenting coaching program is the right fit for you.

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Applying The Continuum Concept Philosophy To Modern Day Living

11/26/2015

20 Comments

By Eliane, founder of Parenting For Wholeness
Originally published in Holistic Parenting Magazine, July 2015

I read The Continuum Concept when my oldest daughter Cassandra was two, after reading dozens if not hundreds of books before it.

I never read another parenting book after that.

Applying The Continuum Concept Parenting Philosophy To Modern Day Living, by Eliane of PARENTING FOR WHOLENESS ~ Positive parenting that works, heals, and changes the world

This one was IT.

It so resonated with every part on my being that I knew I had to somehow find a way to apply it in my Western life.

And made it my mission to do so.

It was NOT easy!

It took a few years, a wholehearted and unwavering commitment to it, and many tears on my part and on the part of my poor first child and guinea pig Cassandra.

But what I can gratefully say is that once it really clicked, once I connected to the place in me which was awakened when reading the book and instinctually knew how to take care of my little ones, parenting became SO easy!

I feel I owe Jean Liedloff (the author of the book) the incredible joy and ease I experienced in raising my 3 now grown daughters, as well the (mostly) intact spirits they get to walk through life with, which is so completely different from what my experience of life is.

Here are a few examples of what I experienced in my family, which I completely credit to my embodying the teachings from the book:

I truly felt I was done parenting with each of them somewhere between the age of 12 and 14.
They excelled academically, once they chose to stop unschooling and attend school of their own choice, without any manipulation or imposition of any rules from my part.
I experienced no teenage rebellion or ‘acting out.’
There was very little conflict in my home.
My daughters, though loud and rambunctious, were incredibly well behaved.
I didn’t worry about them once they left their home state to go away to college.
I fully achieved my parenting goal!

What I most wanted for my daughters was for them to have an unshakable sense of self, be self-confident, inwardly motivated, self-sufficient and have the ability to find their own happiness in the world.

I can say with a resounding ‘YES’ that I’ve achieved it, in spades, with all 3 of them.

The word that comes to me, watching the way they move about in the world, is ‘unencumbered.’ Something I myself so long for and have worked pretty much full time on, for 17 years, to achieve in my own life.

So what are the core things I took from the book and applied to my family, to my parenting?

CORE PRINCIPLES

There are 6 core principles which guided me to those results, and which I now help parents integrate in their families, through my Clean Parenting™ Program. This work leads them to the same ease and harmony in their families as I had in mine, while also ensuring that their children’s spirits remain intact.

1. Believing Children Are Innately Good And Cooperative

If you’re reading this article, my guess is that you already KNOW that your children are intrinsically good, that they don’t need to be ‘made’ good, that they’re not inherently flawed, bad or needing to be fixed.

But what most parents don’t know is that children are also innately social. They really want to do the right thing. They want harmony, want to cooperate, want to make us happy.

This is something that’s rarely understood by parents and that VERY FEW of us actually know how to apply to our benefit.

Humans are social mammals. It’s built into our DNA to want to belong, want to fit into a tribe, learn from our elders. It’s built into us for survival of the species!

We don’t want to be rebellious. It’s our conditioning that turned us to that.

When we're deeply connected to the knowing that children are innately good and cooperative, it infuses every word we use, it guides how we approach any situation.

It gives us access to responses and strategies that we wouldn’t have thought of otherwise. It allows us to tap into our children’s innately loving and cooperative nature.

If you’re coming from this place and your child acts out, you’ll ask yourself WHY he’s doing what he’s doing and address the cause of it instead of imposing a consequence or punishment which will only serve to temporarily control the behavior, won’t address the real issue and will damage your connection with your child, and your real ability to influence them, from a place of trust.

For example:

If your child hits his younger sister when she knocks over his block tower, you’ll ask yourself what’s going on for him that he’s resorting to hitting. It’s likely that he’s frustrated that he can’t freely play his game anymore. He may still be trying to adapt to having a younger sibling and miss having all the attention to himself. He likely doesn’t know how to positively channel his anger feelings. He likely doesn’t know how to protect what matters to him in a way that’s respectful of others.

By asking yourself why your child behaved in the way he did instead of controlling his behavior, you have an opportunity to understand him, help him process what he’s struggling with, and to teach him positive and respectful ways of going after what he wants.

As all this happens, he becomes an increasingly happy, cooperative and easy to be with little boy.

Article by Eliane: Applying The Continuum Concept Parenting Philosophy To Modern Day Living, by Eliane of PARENTING FOR WHOLENESS ~ Positive parenting that works, heals, and changes the world

2. Being On The Same Team

Arguably the most important thing you can focus on in your parenting is being on the same team as your children.

When you’re treating them as though they’re on your team, you’re nurturing their sense of inner rightness. You talk with them and not at them. You engage their cooperation.

When your children FEEL that you’re on their team, they want to please you. They’re open to your input. They trust what you tell them.

So many of our relationships and interactions have an adversarial undertone to them that we don’t even notice it. There’s often a sense that one person is trying to get something from the other, is trying to convince the other of something, is trying to get their needs and preferences met over the other.

Working on creating an attitude of being on the same team means that we’re never trying to meet one person’s needs or preferences at the exclusion of another’s. We deeply value the other person’s experience as well as our own and look for win-win situations.

Here’s what it looks like in a family that operates on the ‘everyone is on the same team’ principle:

Everyone’s needs and preferences matter equally
Everyone FEELS that their needs matter
Parents and children look for win-win situations
There are no double standards
There are no punishments, rewards or any other attempt to manipulate
Disagreements are handled with discussions, respect and a focus on connection, meeting needs (as opposed to desires) and tapping into each other’s desire to cooperate
Parents listen to children’s feedback and take action on it

3. Being A Clear And Benevolent Leader

What I’ve come to call clear benevolent leadership is one of the concepts most unique to The Continuum Concept, and is the hardest to embody, because most of us have had no examples of it in our lives.

Being a leader as a parent is tapping into the natural order of things, from an evolutionary perspective, in which children look to their elders to learn about the world and for guidance on how to conduct themselves.

The thing is that young children don't have the experience nor the big picture in mind to make decisions, in many situations. Therefore it is normal and healthy for us to make those decisions for them, for our family. This organically and quickly shifts as they get older and grow in their ability to make decisions.

At the same time it’s critically important that we guide them in a way that is totally respectful, nurtures their sense of self, and doesn’t in any way damage our relationship with them.

Here’s what it looks like:

It’s really a way of being, a stance where we are clear, loving and grounded in ourselves.
We deeply understand that our children are eager to contribute and cooperative.
We know that they're are innately caring, compassionate, responsible, loving, etc., so that we don’t have to coerce them into any way to get them to act the way we’re directing them.
We know that they want and need to learn from us how to function in our society.
We completely respect and trust them.
We always take their needs into account.
And from this place we offer information matter-of-factly, knowing that they’ll welcome it and act on it.
We don’t pussy foot around setting limits or telling them not to do something because we don’t fear that it’s going to negatively impact them.
Nowhere in our words or attitude is there a hint that they’re bad or wrong.
It’s so understood in the relationship that it's our place to teach our child that they automatically look for our feedback when not sure how to do something.
If they are doing something that’s not appropriate, one look will be enough to understand and shift their behavior because of the level of trust that’s present.
Often, all that’s needed is a look, (This is isn’t in any way done in a judgmental or shaming perspective, but from a very deep mutual understanding that it’s the parent’s job to show the child the way.)

It does take work to integrate, but I promise that once your leadership is established, your life will be so much easier! It might be even straight up easy, as mine was, so it’s well worth the time and focus to achieve it. And it is well worth doing any inner work you need to do around this to clear what’s in your way of embodying it.

If children don’t feel your clear leadership, they will act out as a way to express their inner discomfort. Their acting out is NOT a call for more freedom but a call for clearer guidance, for the leadership that will make their world feel right and will make them feel secure.

This is a huge topic and one I can’t do full justice to here. For more information on it, read my full length article on it, “The Key to Well-Behaved Children Who Listen to You, While Fully Respecting Them."

4.   Not Being Child-Centered

Another point that is unique to the Continuum Concept is that of not being child-centered.

As parents, we need to create lives that feel good to us, in which we focus on our own tasks and interests, while our children are on the periphery. What we do should be compatible with our children, but our lives are not about them and their activities.

Having our children be our entertainment causes a shift from their intrinsic motivation and their own connection to their activities, to an extrinsic motivation where they aim to please us and get validation from us. It cuts off their self-connection.

It also gets in their way of having their own space to be, do, learn and explore without any interference.

It leads to children who want a lot of attention, feedback and approval on whatever they do, who can’t just appreciate what they enjoy doing for its own sake but are dependent on the validation of another to enjoy it.

This is often the cause of children who feel very “demanding.”

I’m not saying that you should never play with children or engage in children’s activities. However, contrary to popular opinion, it is definitely NOT necessary to play with your children to meet their needs and build a strong connection with them.

But because of the artificial set-up of most of our families, our children are more reliant on us for their social needs than if we lived in ideal tribal situations. It’s perfectly appropriate for us to do things with them, as long as we genuinely enjoy them, but those things need to comprise just one part of our overall enjoyable lives that include a lot of our own interests.

I played countless games of Skip-bo, Rummikub, cards, as well as read books and did puzzles with my girls. As long as I enjoyed it and didn't make it my job. What I saw as my job was to ensure that their social needs were met.

Continuum Concept parents often feel caught between a rock and hard place trying to meet their children's needs and not be child-centered.

What I propose is what I call family-centeredness. Most of us do not live in tribes (unless you’ve managed to find and make work the utopic intentional community most of us dream of) and need to make the best of our family and community configurations.

The goal of family-centeredness is to find a way of living and activities that meet everyone’s needs as much as possible.

Do make sure that you have activities that fulfill you and make you feel like you contribute! They can either be activities you can do while your children are engaged in something else in the same place, or which you do while they have activities away from you where their needs are being met. Or things you can do all together.

5.   Trusting Children

Trusting children’s instincts tends to be one of the main things people remember when they think Continuum Concept.

Who can forget the example of the toddler handling a machete, or the baby crawling by the open pit?

I have to say that I’ve had some very clear examples in my family which proved to me that my babies and children had much better survival instincts than I ever would have thought. And I can share those with you if we ever talk. (Click here for an audio of me talking about this topic.)

But what I actually want to talk more about here is trusting them to make their own decisions.

A mom told me last year that she wasn’t willing to experience the consequences of letting her daughter make her own decisions. To which I responded with a whole impassioned article on how I was not willing to experience the consequences of NOT trusting my daughters. Of making their decisions for them. Of having them rely on me to guide their decisions and monitor what they do.

Giving them freedom to make their own decisions is what's allowed them to remain connected to their inner guidance, instead of them shifting their focus outward, to what others tell them.

The only person who will always be with them, whom they can always count on is themselves.

Therefore, I've seen it as my job as a parent to nurture and strengthen THAT relationship above any other.

Trusting my daughters to make their own decisions while they still lived with me allowed them to develop their experience while I still had influence on them, and could still give them my opinion and feedback.

By the time they move away from me at 18 (Cassandra has been in Florida for 4 years and Audrey in New York City - of all places! - for almost a year,) they have been making all their decisions by themselves for a long time, therefore are very well equipped to make them.

Trusting my daughters to make their own decisions, from toddlerhood on, has made my life as a parent so much easier than those of most other parents I've seen.

And it's ensured that my daughters knew how to keep themselves safe, rarely got hurt and are now well equipped to handle life on their own.

6.   Children Do What We Expect Them To

One of the most impactful idea that I got from Jean is that our children will do what we expect them to do. This is something that was quite hard for me to understand and implement when my daughters were little, but that I got to deeply understand as I got involved in personal growth and spirituality.

Our children respond to the beliefs and attitudes that are underneath our words, actions, and reactions. It’s by changing those beliefs and attitudes (often times through doing deep inner work) that we can shift to having happy and cooperative children.

A common area where this is obvious to Continuum parents is physical safety. Many families report experiences such as mine, when the only time one of my girls cut herself with a sharp knife is when my very non-Continuum father yelled out ‘Be careful!’ and she turned abruptly in response to his extreme reaction, and nicked her cheek.

Think of how differently you’ll respond if a child is climbing high on a structure and you trust that he knows what he’s doing, versus if you think he’s incompetent in taking care of his own safety. And then think of how you’d feel on the receiving end of each of those responses, and how it might impact the way you react in each situation. This may give you a sense of what I’m talking about here.

But an area where this concept is much more pervasive, hidden to many, and damaging, has to do with our beliefs about children, and humans in general.

For example, even if you intellectually believe that your child is innately good, your programming, because it’s what you experienced from infancy on with your parents, might be that children are not. You might have been treated as though you were defiant and bad, and in need of correction and molding, through punishments and rewards.

Therefore when your child ‘acts out,’ your response to him stems from this deeper place of not believing that he truly wants to do the right thing. He then reacts to the way you responded to him, and this starts an adversarial downward spiral.

To put this life-changing concept in practice, when your child is not listening to you or acting in a way you don’t like, turn your focus to yourself and check what’s happening inside of you. What he might be responding to. What he’s mirroring to you.

What I’ve found in my work with parents, is that once the clean parenting foundation has been established and parents make sure their children’s needs are met, the resolution of almost all issues comes from the parents clearing in them what is triggered or mirrored in those situations.

Many times, by focusing on the ‘issues’ in this way, parents have

Click the image to order

been able to resolve them in as little as one session with me. And the crazy thing is that often the child automatically stops reflecting it, the same day, without the parent having even talked to him about it.

3 CAVEATS FOR MODERN FAMILIES

But as much as The Continuum Concept can open our minds to a total new possibility of being with children and life with them, and provide us with the basis to raise truly whole children and have ease in our families, there are times when the blessing of this beloved book turns into a curse.

There are three very common things I want to warn you about, which fans of the book often struggle with, and causes them much unnecessary turmoil:

1.   Be realistic!!

You may dream of providing the perfect tribal and natural environment to your children that Yequana parents do.

But the reality of your life is that you can’t. And you HAVE to accept that, if you’re to enjoy being a parent, and in order to be the best parent you can be to your children.

Take time to acknowledge and mourn what you dream of, and isn’t, and then move on!

Keeping your mind on what you think should be and isn’t, unless you’re taking concrete action steps to achieve it, will only cause you, and therefore your children, pain.

It’s really just about accepting reality!

You wanting reality (or yourself!) to be different will NOT change it and will prevent you from finding the best ways of actually working WITH what you have.

2.   Trust Yourself Instead Of The Book

This topic is one of my pet peeves with Continuum Concept parents. If you know me, you’ve likely heard me say that some parents should throw out or burn this book, even though it's my parenting bible.

Why?

Though I’m a firm believer in studying to learn better ways and in getting guidance from people more experienced than us, with whom we resonate, this can backfire when we try to copy or emulate something, instead of listening foremost to our instincts, to our inner voice.

So use the book as a reference and guidance to connect with what’s true for you and what works for your family.

But DO NOT have your eye on an imagined and likely impossible vision of what you think would be ideal, at the exclusion of what feels right to you or works for your family, in your specific situation.

This gets you in your head instead of being in your heart, your body, your intuition, connected to life, instead of just being present.

Above any theory, ALWAYS honor your instincts and your feeling of what’s right in the present.

I’ve seen many parents be miserable because their life doesn’t represent their Continuum Concept tribal ideal, whereas they could be very happy if they could only forget they ever read the book.

I've seen one mom's life completely changed just because I told her that she was right on track, to keep doing what she was doing and to totally forget about the book.

She reported back to me a few weeks after we talked, saying that she was suddenly more confident and was actually enjoying her son much more.

JUST BECAUSE SHE STARTED TRUSTING HERSELF AND STOPPED QUESTIONING HERSELF!

Just like you can trust the sense of rightness in your children, the one thing you can always trust is the feeling of rightness in you (below the thoughts and the crap—what’s there when you just ARE). Trust that, above any book or any expert’s advice, including, of course, mine!

3.   You Will Not Automatically Have A Yequana Toddler Because You Complete The In-arms Phase!

And you’re not doing anything wrong if you don’t!

Some of the reasons your toddler (or older child) isn’t like Yequana toddlers are:

You don’t know in your bones how to be a clear leader for your child. In fact, chances are you’ve never even experienced one! This is something you need to develop.

You weren’t parented in this way, so some unlearning and maybe even healing of your own unmet childhood needs needs to happen for you to be a clear grounded parent.
You need to orient yourself to being on the same team, to looking for win-win solutions when your child needs something. This can become a whole lots harder when in-arms babes turn into active exploratory toddlers with strong opinions about what they want.
Our society is unnatural and generally not supportive of living wholesome lives and therefore puts stress on parents trying to parent according to The Continuum Concept.
Your child, unlike Yequana children, is not part of a society that is uniform in terms of its values and ways of living and parenting, and therefore exposed to all kinds of influences.
You may be carrying, like I am, a crap-load of baggage that you try to parent through, and your child picks up on it.

The more you integrate the concepts I described here, and heal the pain that’s activated in you through parenting, the more your toddlers and children WILL turn into the ones you envisioned when reading the book.

CONCLUSION

Though living like the Yequanas is not possible for us, as much as we may long for it, there’s A LOT we can learn from them and integrate into our modern lives.

Is it easy? Absolutely not.

Is it doable? YES!!!

I did it, even though I was a pretty clueless and very messed up 26 year old when I first read the book, and still mostly managed to implement it.

What I did know was that I didn’t want my daughters to grow up with the same pain and feelings of worthlessness and not belonging as I did, and which I still to this day sometimes struggle with.

I’m not sure what in me had the drive and clarity to go for this with such determination and unwavering focus, but I am SO grateful to the young mom I was for doing so!

Because we’ve all reaped its benefits in ways I could only imagine, and had never been a witness to in other families.

And I now have the joy and incredible honor of supporting countless parents in also experiencing the same results in their families.

Wanna be living the Continuum Concept promise of ease and harmony in your family?

Then join me in my next Clean Parenting™ group!

If you want my full and dedicated support in integrating all I described in this article in your family, my Clean Parenting™ Program goes in depth into every one of these elements and many many more.

Email me to set up a FREE 30 minute Parenting Can Be Easy! Strategy session and we can discuss if it would be the right fit for you and your family.

Click the images to find out the start date of my next group, for program details, and to read many testimonials of parents who have completed this program.

"DOING THE CLEAN PARENTING PROGRAM WAS ON PAR FOR CHANGING MY LIFE AS HAVING MY FIRST CHILD."

Here's what Kristen Phillips of Cottage Grove Oregon wrote of her experience of working with me for support in applying the Continuum Concept approach in her family:

"I’m not sure I can quite put into words exactly what Eliane and her programs have done for me. When my first son was born, my world completely changed. So many things that I thought I knew suddenly didn’t make sense, and philosophies I believed in no longer resonated. His arrival shook everything up.

As I ferociously searched the internet to try to find some “parenting style” that did feel good to me, I came across The Continuum Concept. When I found it and started reading it, I could feel that this was THE book I was looking for. My whole body relaxed once it was in my hands and I started digesting it. As much as I loved that book, I could tell pretty quickly that I was going to need help applying it in this modern world. As I got back on the internet to find that someone, I of course came across Eliane’s work. And while reading the first article of hers I found, I again got that familiar feeling of this is THE person. Every single word she wrote seemed to hit straight to my heart, and I was like “yes! this is 100% it!”

Once my son got old enough, I did the Clean Parenting Course. Doing that course was on par for changing my life as having my first child. It's like someone finally helped me unlock my soul and helped me really see what the possibilities of life, love and relationships were. I felt I had the keys to becoming the mother and person I was destined to become, I learned so much about myself during that course.

Since then, I have worked intimately with Eliane and done the Deep Healing Program and Clean Relationships Program along with many, many healing sessions. Eliane has become somewhat of a “fairy godmother” in my life- someone who really gets me, is on my team, and is continually helping to guide me back to my greatest source of strength- myself. Between Eliane and the Sisterhood group, I feel like I have someone whom I wholeheartedly trust holding my hand along my journeys of parenting and life.

My life, my children’s lives and my husband’s life have all been impacted in the best way possible. I will forever be grateful for Eliane and her continual support. She has really become like part of my family and I cannot imagine my life without her and her work."

GET MY BOOK!!!

(All based on the Continuum Concept philosophy)

Over 100 pages of inspirational and practical information to help you successfully and consistently parent peacefully, so you can have whole and happy children, and experience ease and harmony in your family.

Get this e-book for $9.97

RESOURCES:

Continuum Concept Resources, by Parenting For Wholeness
What Loving and Effective Parenting Looks Like - an Example from the Huxtable's, by Eliane
The #1 Question to Ask When Your Child 'Misbehaves', by Eliane
How Do I Stop Myself Midway When I'm Triggered? by Eliane
Creating Support For Our Continuum Concept Parenting Journey, by Eliane

Who's in Control? The Unhappy Consequences of Being Child-Centered, by Jean Liedloff
Restoring Harmony: A Mother's Story, by Abigail Warren
The Continuum Concept - It Works!!! by Eliane
The Quick Start Program, Parenting For Wholeness
The Clean Parenting™ Program, by Parenting For Wholeness

REFERENCES:

The Continuum Concept, by Jean Liedloff
The Clean Parenting™ Program, by Parenting For Wholeness
The Key to Well-Behaved Children Who Listen to You, While Fully Respecting Them, by Eliane
Parenting Can Be Easy?!? by Eliane
Does Your Child FEEL That You're On His Team? by Eliane
Why It's Critical That You Trust Your Children, by Eliane
Is This Really Possible?!? One Family's Experience of Natural Parenting, by Eliane
The Almost Magical Formula For Surprising Ease and Harmony in Your Family While Fully Honoring Your Children’s Spirits, by Eliane Sainte-Marie

20 Comments

A Simple Exercise With A Big Impact: Differentiating Between Non-Negotiables And Preferences

11/15/2015

2 Comments

By Eliane, founder of Parenting For Wholeness

I’ve read loads of wonderful parenting articles since founding Parenting For Wholeness a few years ago, and have yet to come across one on this topic.

Which surprises me because it’s one of the most powerful parenting concepts I teach, and it has a huge impact in the families of the participants in my Clean Parenting™ Program.

I don’t know if I came up with it on my own (just because it makes so much damn sense!) or if I read it somewhere when I was finding my way with parenting.

What I do know is it was key to my children being very responsive to my guidance, and even being what most people called (yuk!) obedient!

So let’s start by taking a moment for you to get a sense of what many children experience.

Take a moment to really feel into the following:

Imagine working for a boss who is unclear and gives you inconsistent directions and guidance.

How would that feel? How would you act in her presence?

Now imagine a boss who is clear, gives you exactly the information you need and is consistent in what she expects of you.

How does that feel? How would you act in her presence?

Now, how do you think your child feels with you?

Becoming clear in our communication with our children is key in enlisting their cooperation, having them take us seriously and listen to us.

It’s also key in them being able to relax into their lives, knowing they have a clear leader/parent to rely on.

And there’s one simple exercise you can do that will help you tremendously in being clearer in your parenting:

Making a distinction between PREFERENCES and NON-NEGOTIABLES.

The reason it’s important to get clear on this distinction is that those two situations should be handled differently.

It’s also a huge help in becoming the clear benevolent leader our children need to be grounded, and to respect us and listen to us.

So let’s dig in.

I make a distinction between preferences, non-negotiables, and non-negotiables for you.

PREFERENCES

Preferences are things that you would really like your children to do (or not do), but:

you don’t feel strongly enough about to enforce 100 percent of the time
may not be expected in other families you respect but are important to you
are not inherently bad but you don’t personally like

Examples of those could be:

not using the word “stupid”
not being loud in the house (assuming you don’t live in an apartment)
keeping his/her room picked up
being talked to in a certain way

NON-NEGOTIABLES

Non-negotiables are things like hurting others or animals, running across the street, destroying property and saying particularly hurtful things.

They are about safety and teaching our children what’s socially appropriate.

They are things you will enforce 100% percent of the time and that you will model.

NON-NEGOTIABLES FOR YOU

There are things that are non-negotiables FOR YOU. Those are things that—although you know might be only a preference for other parents—are clearly a non-negotiable for you.

This is about getting to know yourself and knowing what is really important to you—important enough that you’ll make it a priority to enforce and model it. These are things that need to happen in your family for you to feel good about it or for your needs to feel met.

Examples of these could be:

your children not picking their noses
keeping common areas clean
loading dishes in the dishwasher after meals
weaning a child before she is naturally ready
moving a child to a separate bed

VERY IMPORTANT: When trying to identify whether a situation is a non-negotiable or a preference for you, check inward to find out what’s true for you. This is not about knowing what’s right by any standards but about connecting with yourself, uncovering what’s true for you, being honest with yourself.

Here’s a wonderful example of this, which my now friend Mona Sanei shared in the Clean Parenting™ Program Facebook group once that light bulb went on for her:

THE LENTIL INCIDENT

"For a long time, I chose to let throwing food intentionally be a preference for my 18 month old daughter, because I just couldn't handle having it be a non-negotiable.

One day we were home, and I heated up a bowl of lentils. Knowing my daughter and how she loves to make messes, we went out on to the deck to eat so I didn't have to worry about clean up. At some point I turned around and there she was with over half the lentils having been thrown all over the kitchen floor. My gut reaction was to say, "why? why would you do that Livy??". It was so upsetting, but I stayed "strong" and proceeded to clean it all up and then GAVE her the bowl of the remaining lentils back. I turned around again to finish washing a dish and when I looked back at her, the rest of the lentils were on the floor and she was STEPPING on them!!! It zapped all the energy out of me to see that. I was so upset and not even mad at her. I let myself "go there". Really feel how upset I was, how defeated I felt, how helpless.

And then I had an ah ha moment. And my energy came back, full force, because I had made a discovery: throwing food is a non-negotiable for ME! It was the truth all along and now I could finally honor that. So I got to her level, looked her in the eye, and told her that throwing food is now a non-negotiable. I told her we needed to go into the kitchen because there was a mess I needed her to help me clean up. Since that time, things have really shifted at home. The energy is better. She still does throw food sometimes, but the number of incidents has drastically dropped.

The ability to be a leader was always in me and once I made my mind up to honor my non-negotiable, it was like second nature to lead her in that situation."

Livy taking her baby outside, WITHOUT lentils.

What gets many parents in trouble is not differentiating between making requests of their children when they prefer they would do something, versus giving them clear guidance on what is expected and just not acceptable in our culture, society or family.

Not making this distinction is confusing to children.

Being clear on what is a preference for you versus what is a non-negotiable allows you to know exactly when to make a request (and accepting their ‘no’) versus when to give guidance (setting a limit or making sure to pursue a win-win solution.)

If this is resonating with you, I bet I can guess what you’re now wanting to know: “How do I handle non-negotiables, and how do I handle preferences?’

This is something we work on extensively in my Clean Parenting™ Program.

The truth is that there’s A LOT that goes into it.

Because the most important factor is to set the right foundation in your family. This is what creates goodwill and cooperation between all the family members.

(You can click here to request my FREE report which describes the four pillars of that foundation.)

Click here to request the REPORT

Once the healthy and connected foundation is established, it’s pretty easy to develop the simple skills to expertly handle each circumstance.

But to not leave you hanging, here are some highlights to get you started, knowing there’s a lot more that goes into handling each.

HANDLING PREFERENCES:

If a situation is just a preference, ask your children to do what you want. If their answer is ‘no,’ you can either accept their ‘no,’ or get creative to inspire the behavior you want in a way that still honors them. You can look for win-wins so they feel good about accommodating your request.

HANDLING NON-NEGOTIABLES:

If a situation is a non-negotiable, set a firm limit, and plan on enforcing it 100% of the time. In many situations, once your children start getting that you mean business (there may be some adjustment period where things get worse before they get better,) it’s likely that just the clarity in your voice will lead to them listening, unless it clashes with something that's truly important to them.

(Of course if you’re reading me, I’m assuming you know that I would NEVER suggest you impose anything on your children that isn’t respectful of who there are, and ignores their needs.)

I plan on writing fully on both how to handle non-negotiables and how to handle preferences in the future. Make sure you’re on my email list if you want to be notified once those articles are published. You can get added to my list by requesting my report, which will give you a good foundation for this.

Meanwhile, see the recommended articles below.

Practically working on identifying non-negotiables and preferences, and learning how to handle each of them in an important part of the work we do in the Clean Parenting™ Program, my in-depth group coaching program which is designed to provide parents with the full peaceful parenting foundation.

(I’m already starting to fill my group of 12 which starts January 6th, and the early bird rate still applies for a short time. Email me so we can set up a time to meet on Skype, if you’re interested in participating.)

And now an exercise for you:

Take 3 things you regularly struggle with in your family. Then make a conscious decision on whether what you want in each situation is a non-negotiable or a preference.

Can you see how having that clarity could help you in those situations?

It can take time and some experimenting to get clear on what your non-negotiables are versus your preferences, especially if you tend not to value your own needs or be disconnected from your truth.

If that's the case, going through the process of getting clear on this will not only help your relationship with your children, but it will also be a wonderful process of getting to know and value yourself. Which if you ever work with me, you'll realize is what I'm most passionate about and my intention for you. :-)

Lots of love to you and your family,

spreading the word about my work to people who could be positively impacted by it!

SUGGESTIONS: If you liked this article, you may also enjoy:

2 Comments

A Unique and Often Heartbreaking Path: Breaking Our Family’s Generational Pattern of Dysfunction

11/5/2015

18 Comments

By Eliane Sainte-Marie
Founder, Parenting For Wholeness

Article by Parenting For Wholeness: A Unique and Often Heartbreaking Path: Breaking Our Family’s Generational Pattern of Dysfunction

While talking with Sarah this evening, I was hit by the heartbreak and loneliness that’s inherent in the path she’s chosen.

Like a large number of the people who are drawn to my work, Sarah came to me because she shares the parenting intention I had raising my daughters: she is committed to obliterating the generational pattern of dysfunction in her family. She is committed to her daughter never having to experience even a smidgen of what she did as child.

Yes, it can be done. My grown daughters are a living proof of it. They are free of all the addictions, low self-worth, dysfunctional relationships, etc, that plague all my siblings and I. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that Sarah’s daughter will be free of all that as well.

And yes, it’s wonderful and incredibly rewarding to have been able to successfully break this long pattern that’s present in both my parents’ families.

And I’m so so so grateful that all my daughters are free of the pain I still struggle to live through!

But there are unique challenges for those of us who have committed ourselves to this Herculean task.

Here are some of the things many of us have to live with, as our children grow up, especially in the early years of parenthood:

Our family of origin doesn’t understand us. Though they’re ‘supposed to be’ our support system, as well as the people with whom many of us celebrate our holidays and birthdays, they have no understanding of and ability to relate to the thing we’re most passionate about and focused on. And we can’t even talk to them about what we’re doing because it would hurt them, they wouldn’t understand, or they’d even just attack us back for it.
We are judged, and often outwardly criticized and ridiculed.
Even though we’ve put tons of time researching and working out an optimal way of being with our children, people who have never spent any time researching about effective parenting feel free to make dire predictions for our children, fully believing they know better than us.
Often times, the reason we looked for and committed ourselves to a more nurturing form of parenting is because we are highly sensitive, and we realized how damaged we were by the way we were parented. But being this sensitive, being criticized and judged is very painful, and often even debilitating.
We are often pressured to justify our choices, even though our answers are rarely taken seriously.
It’s hard to ask our family to treat our children in the way we want – for example to not tickle them, not pick them up without their permission, not call them 'good girl' or 'bad girl,' because they have no frame of reference or understanding of our reasons for wanting our children to be treated respectfully.
We have a different set of values than our family! This can be incredibly painful to live with, and make our time with our family unpleasant to downright traumatic and repulsive.
Our children will NEVER relate to us! Though this is what we so desperately want for our beloved children, it’s also incredibly hard and sad that the beings closest to us have no way of relating to the pain and inner challenges we live with.
We’re re-inventing the wheel, having not experienced, and often not even witnessed the way we want to parent. So we often feel like we’re moving in the dark, knowing what we don’t want to do but being clueless as to what to do instead.
We have to continually fight our conditioning, our default, which is to react to our children the way we were reacted to.
We’re doing something incredibly difficult, while being weighed down with lots of baggage and issues, which make things that may be simple and even non-issues for others challenging for us.
And we’re doing something absolutely incredible, what’s needed to create a world we would all love to live in, and for some of us no one even sees it.

(Please note that I'm not blaming our relatives for being the way they are. They are also a product of their upbringing, and many had really good intentions but just didn't know better.

I also know that I presented the worst case scenario in the points above, and that for many of us things aren't as extreme as I presented them.)

I’m not saying this to depress you, my friend. I want to tell you that I understand you. I feel for you. The task you’ve undertaken is Herculean and I wish the whole world would rise up to celebrate you in it.

I hope you find some real support for yourself. That you figure out ways to take care of your own needs. That you can get some really good professional support, which will provide you healing and lots of empathy and understanding.

You’re a hero.

I see you.

Thank you for what you are doing. For your children, and for the whole world.

Lots of love to you,

If you recognize yourself in
this article, my book is
dedicated to you. ♥

Click the image to purchase it.

And here’s something I shared with an incredibly brave and committed young mom in my Clean Parenting™ Program today. A bit of insight from a mom who’s made it through parenting and done loads of emotional healing work. This may apply to you as well if you’re resonated with this article so far:

“It is mind boggling to me what you've been able to do, given your history. You are incredibly strong, courageous and wise. I see in you something that a therapist has called in me a drive to wholeness. Even though we never received what we're trying to give our children, and even though we came from shit, a part of us for some reason knows what's possible. Has a vision or at least an inkling of what's whole and right, and we will not stop until we find it.

It's not an easy journey. We fall, lose it, go into depression. And then we somehow find our strength, fight, make headway, and release some of the baggage.

Something I accepted in the past 2 years is that this is just my life journey. I'll likely never have the smooth, peaceful and reliably productive life I long for. Because of my past and because I'm an HSP (highly sensitive person,) those ups and downs are par for the course for me. Accepting it and being compassionate to myself, and cutting myself lots of slack when those lows happen has removed some of the edge of the pain for me.

But what I'm also seeing is that over the years, huge layers of baggage are dropping away. Every year, I realize that something that used to be painful, triggered me, or left me in a fog of confusion no longer has any impact on me. I'm growing more into myself. And as I work through all this shit, I develop a clarity that only comes from having intimately experienced something and made it through, which then helps me help other people.

I predict really amazing things for you, my friend. No, it won't be easy. But do what you can to make it as easy on yourself as possible. I can tell you that once you've made it through enough of this crap you're pulling yourself out of, the rewards, the self-connection, the beauty of real connections, the deep satisfaction of living from your truth, the exhilaration of freedom from lifelong baggage, are feelings unlike any others I've experienced.”

A Unique and Often Heartbreaking Path: Breaking Our Family's Generational Pattern of Dysfunction | By Eliane of Parenting For Wholeness ~ Positive parenting that works, heals, and changes the world

WANNA GIVE BACK? Did you get value from this article? If so I would be incredibly grateful if you could share this article with your friends on Facebook (below) or Pinterest. I would LOVE help spreading the word about my work to people who could be positively impacted by it!

WANT SUPPORT? I offer several programs to support moms both in parenting in alignment with their values, and in healing the trauma from their childhood. If you're interested in working with me, email me at Eliane@ParentingForWholeness.com, and we'll schedule a free 30 minute Strategy Session.

SUGGESTIONS ~ If you liked this article, you may also enjoy:

Parenting Can Be Easy?!?

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Is This Really Possible?!? One Family's Experience of Peaceful Parenting

9/13/2015

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By Eliane, founder of Parenting For Wholeness

It can be very challenging to parent in a way that’s different from the mainstream, which I’m guessing you’re probably doing if you’re reading this article.

ARTICLE: Is This Really Possible?!? One Family's Experience of Natural Parenting. By Eliane of I desperately want parents to know that this is possible!!! By Eliane of PARENTING FOR WHOLENESS ~ Positive parenting that works, heals, and changes the world.

My favorite picture ever of my girls and I, December 2007

It’s challenging because most of your friends and relatives likely don’t understand what you’re doing. They may not support your choices and may even be openly critical of them (which can be really painful and distressing!)

It’s challenging because even though you may feel in your gut that you’re doing the right thing, it doesn’t always stop the doubts from cropping up. In the middle of the night, when your child behaves inappropriately, when she doesn’t reach a milestone right on schedule or when you hear dire predictions from people you value, families who seem to ‘have it all together,’ or experts, you can find yourself asking if you’re actually ruining your children instead of doing what’s best for them.

It’s challenging because you’ve likely had no example of how you’re striving to parent and may not always know how to handle situations peacefully.

It can be challenging, sometimes even overwhelming and exhausting, to spend a large part of each day focused on meeting little ones’ needs.

I want to share my experience with you for three reasons:

1. I hope it will give you the reassurance that you are NOT ruining your children by parenting them in an alternative way.

2. I hope it will give you some inspiration that will fuel you to keep following your instincts and parenting in a natural way that’s attuned to your children.

3. I hope it will show you that the time and energy invested in meeting all your children's needs when they're little and becoming the parent you want to be are worth it beyond what you can even imagine!

My 3 daughters and I are a living proof of it.

MY EXPERIENCE:

When my first daughter Cassandra was born, I went on a quest to find a parenting approach that would insure she would grow up feeling whole, loved, and knowing that she was intrinsically good.

I was obsessed.

It just was not an option for me to have her experience even a smidgen of what I lived and still struggle to heal from: growing up feeling unloved and believing I was deeply flawed.

For the first 5 years of my parenting journey, all my attention and energy went into finding and integrating into my family an approach that felt 100% right. If anything felt even a little bit off, I’d keep searching and tweaking until it’d feel totally right. (My two main resources were all the friends I made through La Leche League and my parenting bible, The Continuum Concept.)

Some of the things I focused on doing with my 3 daughters were:

Having all my interactions with them come from the knowing that they are intrinsically good.
Treating them as allies, as though we’re on the same team.
Being a clear benevolent leader they could learn from and in whose guidance they could relax and feel safe.
Trusting them.
Supporting them in fully being who they are.
Not imposing my agenda on them or putting my needs ahead of theirs.
Being honest with them and seriously taking their perspective into account, changing when I needed to.
Knowing that they were a lot more capable than what most people would believe.
Never using punishments or rewards as a way to manipulate their behavior.
Never deciding for them what they should learn, but supporting them in following their own interests, which lead to unschooling.

Allowing them to organically become independent at their own pace instead of pushing them to it.

Once I felt solid in my parenting, five years after becoming a mother, I shifted my focus to personal growth and emotional healing, longing to have for myself what I was seeing in my daughters.

I lost interest in studying and talking about parenting, pursuing other interests instead.

I would say that from that point on, I didn’t really feel like I was parenting, but more like I was just living my life with my girls, if that makes any sense.

Until Cassandra turned 18.

January 21st 2011 was a profound day for me, a huge milestone. I found myself reflecting a lot that day. Thinking about what it meant to be the parent of an adult. How our relationship would change. How I felt about sending her out into the world on her own, given that she’d picked a college 1200 miles away from home.

And I realized something: I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO CONCERNS ABOUT HER FUTURE!!! No concerns about her ability to find her way and her happiness in the world. No concerns about her ability to keep herself safe.

And I was struck by the contrast with what I imagined most of her friends’ parents must be feeling as their children became adults and moved away from home.

And then further struck to realize I felt equally unconcerned about the future of my two younger daughters!

That day birthed what’s become one of my missions in life: to give as many parents as possible a vision of what’s possible with children. And information and support in achieving it.

Now before moving forward and talking about all the positive things I experienced in my family, I want to stress that I am in NO WAY a perfect parent, nor are my children perfect! I could say a lot more about this, but this isn’t the topic of this article. You can read my full confession to that here.

So here’s what I HAVE experienced in my family:

I truly felt like I was done parenting with each of them somewhere between the age of 12 and 14. By that age they were fully able to make their own decisions and take responsibility for their lives. I would still have conversations with them, offer my opinion, or reminders, but they were fully in charge of their lives.

There was very little conflict in my home. Though my daughters are full of life, very talkative, and at times pretty rambunctious, people often commented on how peaceful our home was because of the ease and harmony between us all.

No sibling rivalry. Yes, we did occasionally get arguments over who would get the green cup, the biggest piece of cake or eventually the car, but they were never a big deal, and could usually easily get resolved with a bit of problem solving, distraction (when they were little) and empathy. Now that they’re adults, they’re very close and great friends, even though they’re incredibly different.

They were very well behaved. From a very young age, except for a few brief periods, we could take them anywhere and know that not only would they behave appropriately but that we could as adults have a good time without having to closely monitor them.
I experienced no teenage rebellion or ‘acting out.’ I may not have slept through the night when they were babies and toddlers, but I had no issues getting a good night's rest in the years when

Cassandra's college graduation, 2014

some parents struggle to sleep out of fear of the trouble their children might be getting into.

They weren’t susceptible to peer pressure. Because they felt good about who they were and their needs were met, they weren’t tempted to do things that felt wrong to them I order to fit in. How cool is that?!?

They easily and assertively stand up for themselves, even to people in positions of authority.

Academic success in school: They each chose to start public school at ages 10 and 9. I never made them do homework, expected that they attend every day, or pushed them to have ‘good’ grades. Yet their report cards showed a large majority of A’s, Audrey graduated high school as valedictorian of her class and is attending NYU, a top US college, and Cassandra graduated college with honors, in 3 years instead of the usual 4.
No fear of public speaking: Compared to the other results I listed, this feels like such a small one, yet it’s so telling to me! I was shocked to hear that when Cassandra had to speak in front of the whole school, in high school, she wasn’t nervous at all (considering I was so petrified of it that I remember almost passing out in school when doing an oral presentation in French!) She didn’t even understand why she would be. I was further amazed to hear that neither of her sisters had any nervousness about it either.

But most importantly I’ve fully achieved my goal! What I most wanted for them was for them to have an unshakable sense of self, to be self-confident, inner motivated, self-sufficient and have the ability to find their own happiness in the world. I can say with a resounding ‘YES’ that I’ve achieved it, in spades, with all 3 of them. The thing that most touches me now, looking at them, is a sense of them that I can best describe as unencumbered.

I hope you get that my motivation for sharing all this is in no way to make you feel bad if you’re not living the same thing I did nor to make myself seem better than you in any way.

I JUST DESPERATELY WANT PARENTS TO KNOW THAT THIS IS POSSIBLE!!!

I SO want to encourage you to pursue this parenting approach if it resonates with you!

Yes, in many ways it’s a lot of work in the early years. And it takes incredible DETERMINATION to unlearn our conditioning and fully transition to a loving, instinctual and natural way of parenting!

I am eternally grateful to the young mom I was 24 years ago, who fully committed herself to it!!! Because it’s paid off for me, my daughters, and all whom they’ll touch a million fold!

If you believe in this approach with all your heart and want help so you can also experience with your children what I described with mine, click here to see if my Clean Parenting™ Program is right for you.

I offer this program 3 times a year and each group is limited to 10 participants. Check the program page for the date of the next group, a lot of testimonials, program information and to reserve your spot.

NOTE: A shorter version of this article was originally published on Love Parenting’s website
in January of 2014. If you’re a new mom or new to attachment and Continuum Concept parenting,
you’ll find lots of helpful and practical information through the wonderful Sam Vickery’s work.

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Why It's Critical That You Trust Your Children

9/4/2015

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By Eliane, founder of Parenting For Wholeness

I was reflecting yesterday on something I feel REALLY STRONGLY about, which I want to share with you today.

Article: Why It's Critical That You Trust Your Children, by Eliane of PARENTING FOR WHOLENESS ~ Positive parenting that works, heals, and changes the world.

Gaby on the Skydeck in Chicago's Ellis Tower. She's a pretty fearless young woman! I'm glad she has good instincts so I can trust her to know her limits.

Because it's what's been key to my being able to sleep at night with 3 teenage daughters.

And not worry when my daughters sadly move far away from me.

This all started when I was chatting with a wonderful mom whom I hadn't seen in a few years.

Though there are many ways in which our parenting is similar, a core difference was highlighted in our conversation and her interactions with her daughter. Our 15 and 16 year old daughters were heading to the local yogurt shop and the mom insisted that her daughter take a sweater in case she got cold, in spite her daughter's assurance that she'd be okay.

Read or listen to the audio version.

Though this mom is also a very loving, attached and attuned parent, she is a lot more directive and protective with her daughter than I've been with my three.

At some point in our conversation, whilst praising my parenting, work and the results I've had with my daughters, she said something that inspired this article.

She said that she didn't allow her daughter to be as free as I allow mine, because she wasn't willing to experience the potential consequences of that.

Her statement really stayed with me.

I found myself pondering it a lot afterwards.

And felt compelled to express my perspective.

What I feel very strongly about and could have replied to her this wonderful mom is:

"I'm not willing to experience the consequences of NOT trusting my daughters. Of making their decisions for them. Of having them rely on me to guide their decisions and monitor what they do."

Giving them freedom to make their own decisions is what's allowed them to remain connected to their inner guidance, instead of them shifting their focus outward, to what others tell them.

The only person who will always be with them, whom they can always count on is themselves.

Therefore, I've seen it as my job as a parent to nurture and strengthen THAT relationship above any other.

Trusting my daughters to make their own decisions while they still lived with me allowed them to develop their experience while I still had influence on them, and could still give them my opinion and feedback.

By the time they move away from me at 18 (Cassandra has been in Florida for 3 years and Audrey is heading to New York City in the fall) they have been making all their decisions by themselves for a long time, therefore are very well equipped to make them.

The small writing on the banner says NYU bound. I know Audrey will thrive in NYC as it's a perfect fit for her. And I'm so thrilled that I allowed her to learn how to take care of herself and be in touch with her instincts so I know she'll still be safe in this ginormous city.

I've made a point of telling my daughters that the only person they can fully trust is themselves.

Above even myself and their dad.

That there are times (this mostly happened when they were little) when as parents we have to make decisions for them or that impact them which don't feel right to them. And that we're not necessarily making the best decision.

That we are fallible.

That it doesn't mean that because we're the ones making the decision we're right and they're wrong.

I wanted to make sure not to skew their perception of what felt true and right to them, by telling them they were wrong.

I just presented my perspective and opinion, taking responsibility for it and not making it 'the truth.'

As Byron Katie says, no one can ever know what's right for another person's path.

And no one else can ever fully know what's true for them.

Why do I believe that the only person my daughters can fully trust is themselves?

Because no one else ever has as much information about them and their specific situation as they do.

No one else has access to their instincts and their inner guidance, which are the most reliable resources we have (when they're not covered up with crap from all our conditioning.)

Our inner guidance is our connection to our drive towards wholeness, towards what we know is right and good, when we're not in some form of protective mode.

It's our connection to presence, spirit, our higher self, God, or however we experience the source of life.

It's our connection to massive amounts of information, of which we can only intellectually access a small fraction.

I've encouraged my daughters to trust their own opinions and guidance in terms of who to trust, whose advice to listen to, which expert or more experienced person to turn to when they need help or additional information.

I've encouraged them to be discerning when reading or listening to others and to never blindly trust what someone says.

There's a whole people who was trained to blindly follow what the authority said. And look at the massacre that ensued!

What if the Germans had grown up been encouraged to trust themselves...?

I CAN trust my daughters to make the right choices for themselves because they've always been trusted to do so, therefore are experienced in it.

And because they are honest - this is so key in making good decisions!

I've encouraged their self honesty, as well their honesty with me, by never punishing them, trying to manipulate them to fulfill my own agenda, or making them experience any negative consequence for telling the truth.

A self honest person tends to make good decisions because they're not hiding behind excuses and delusions.

One thing that happened naturally for me (and I feel I was really blessed with!) was always looking at the long term perspective when it came to my children.

Not allowing them to go out on a specific day might keep them safe in that specific instance, but will not do anything in terms of keeping them safe in the rest of their lives.

What WILL keep them safe is being grounded in inner honesty, critical thinking and having access to their inner guidance.

I'm not concerned about Audrey's safety when she moves to New York City. She's so connected to her inner guidance and used to making her own decisions that she'll know how to handle herself whether she's in our safe little town of Westmont or one of the biggest cities in the world.

I was struck by how deeply I trust her judgment when she was sharing with me an experience that happened to her recently.

She had taken a road trip to Montreal with her best friend over spring break.

One night, the girls met a young man in a comedy club and spent some time hanging out with him. He was nice, normal, smart, easy on the eyes and they thoroughly enjoyed his company.

He invited them to meet up again the following night, but Audrey's friend declined. She was afraid that something negative might happen from hanging out with a stranger.

But there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that it would have been fine.

Why?

Because Audrey felt completely comfortable with him. She would have KNOWN if something was off about him.

And she would have made sure that they met in a setting that felt comfortable to her if she didn't.

I completely trust her ability to size up people and know who she can trust and who she can't.

And her level headedness in what she decides to engage in.

Having been raised completely differently, her friend needs to depend on guidelines to feel safe.

And made them miss out on an enjoyable experience because she was acting on something she's been told in the past instead of being free to evaluate the actual situation.

What a bummer for Audrey!

Now I'd like to switch to a completely different age group and share another story which relates to the topic of trusting children.

A story that I told an acquaintance many years ago, before children were even on her mind, and which she told me recently is what she still remembers me by.

Once, when she was 3, Gaby was standing on the kitchen counter, getting something in a cabinet.

When she was done, she asked me if she could jump off.

My reply to her was "I don't know, can you?"

How could I possibly know what her body is able to do? I'M NOT IN IT!

She turned the focus to herself and realized that she didn't feel comfortable doing so.

And asked me if I'd take her down.

If I had told her she couldn't, she would have learned to trust me instead of her own feeling of rightness.

She wouldn't have become as attuned to her body and her specific abilities.

Trusting my daughters to make their own decisions, from toddlerhood on, has made my life as a parent so much easier than those of most other parents I've seen.

And it's ensured that my daughters knew how to keep themselves safe, rarely got hurt and are now well equipped to handle life on their own.

I feel incredibly blessed to have had the foresight to do this with them and that we've all reaped, then and now, endless benefits from it.

DISCLAIMER: What I describe here is my ideal, and something that I'm certain I didn't apply all the time. I am far from being a perfect mom, and the results in my daughters, in spite of it, is a testimony to how effective this parenting approach is.

Click Here to Request The Report

SUGGESTIONS: If you liked this article, you may also enjoy:

The Key to Well-Behaved Children Who Listen to You, While Fully Respecting Them
Should I Let My Child Play With A Machete - AUDIO, on The Continuum Concept and Safety
Does Your Child FEEL That You're On His Team?
Could You Be TOO Child-Centered?
Could Your Struggle Just Be Caused By An Unrealistic Expectation?
Would You Like This for Your Children? One Family's Results of Natural Parenting

For help on parenting from a place of trusting your children, check out my QUICK START Program.

This article is part of Module 9’s assignment, in which you’re asked to ponder this concept, work on applying it to each of the items on the list of challenging situations you created at the beginning of the program, and get to exchange about it with all the other committed parents in the Facebook group who are also working through the program alongside you.

Take the 15 DAY Peaceful AND Effective Parenting CHALLENGE! By PARENTING FOR WHOLENESS ~ Positive parenting that works, heals, and changes the world.

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The Magic of Win-Win's in Your Family

8/15/2015

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By Eliane Sainte-Marie, founder of Parenting For Wholeness

Would you give just about anything for everyone in your family to be happy and get along? Read on for a strategy and an attitude that have the potential of making a HUGE difference in your life!

Article: The Magic of Win-Win’s in Your Family by Eliane of Parenting For Wholeness ~ Positive parenting that works, heals, and changes the world.

Photo courtesy of Manon Ste-Marie

A LOT of power struggles and relationships breakdowns happen because of an underlying belief that one person needs to give up on what they want in order for another one to get what THEY want.

One of the most powerful shifts you can make in your parenting (and in your life!) is to look beyond that belief, and to re-orient your focus to looking for win-win strategies where everyone's needs can get met.

Building the muscle of automatically looking for win-win solutions is a simple exercise that can change your life. It opens the door to the possibility of everyone in your family being happy and having their needs met.

Having your focus on looking for win-win solutions will go a long way towards your children (and spouse!) feeling like you’re on their team, which is so core to having harmony with your children and them maintaining their sense of wholeness.

('Being on the same team' is one of the four pillars of Clean Parenting™. Click here for a report that describes all four pillars.)

It will ensure that you consider your children in how you approach the situation, AS WELL AS YOURSELF!

Unfortunately in our society, the vast majority of parents live most of their lives either considering the children’s needs and preferences at the exclusion of the parents’, or the other way around.

THE ONLY WAY TO HAVE A TRULY HAPPY FAMILY LIFE IS TO HAVE EVERYONE'S NEEDS TAKEN INTO ACCOUNT. Re-orienting your thinking in the way I’m describing here is a very simple and effective way to do so.

A lovely side benefit you’ll find when that becomes your general orientation, is that your children will be much more likely to accept your “no's.” This will happen because they’ll really KNOW, in their gut, that you’re on their side and rooting for what they want. They’ll therefore easily trust that there’s a good reason for your no’s.

Here are several examples of looking for win-win’s:

“You really want a snack right now AND I’ve been working on dinner and would like you to be hungry for it. What could we do?”
“You want me to take you to the shopping mall right now AND I’m really tired and just feel like vegging. Any ideas so we can both have what we want?”
“You’re having so much fun playing at home AND we need food for dinner. What could we do?”
A mom I work with was overwhelmed by her very active 5-year-old son running around the house. He didn’t listen to her request to stop. I suggested she briefly join in his running before asking him to stop, to be playful with him. The fact that his mom got on his team and joined in made him much more open when she then asked him to stop, which he did easily. This is a great example of a parent taking responsibility for her preference.
That same mom was asked by her son to do something late one night. She said she’d like him to be able to do it, but it was too late. She suggested they write the activity down on a to-do list for the next morning, to make sure they didn’t forget.

The point here is to come up with creative ways for everyone to be happy.

Referencing the examples I provided, imagine how it would have felt to you as a child if your parents had interacted with you in this way.

How would you have felt like responding? How would you have felt when they walked in a room or started talking to you, if this was their embodied attitude?

A really good way to come up with win-win solutions is to engage your children in coming up with them.

Be open to their ideas, even if they don’t seem ideal at first.

Many times, parents come to me saying something like:

“Eliane, I'm not sure what to do because when my child asks me for a snack as I'm cooking dinner. I don't want to say 'no' and have him go hungry, but at the same time I'm putting effort into making a dinner he'll like and I want him to still be hungry for it! What should I do?"

If you’ve worked with me already, you know how I respond, right?

Because it’s what I answer probably 90 percent of the time!

“How about you tell HIM exactly what you just told me, instead of telling me?”

This truly can work like magic. I urge you to try it!

If your child truly feels that you’re on her team, when you speak to her in this way, she’ll most likely be open to hearing you and want to come up with something that works for you as well.

Enlisting her in coming up with the "action plan," assuming that you genuinely want her to be happy with it (and this is key!) will AUTOMATICALLY make her feel that you’re on her team.

It’s very possible that she’ll come up with an idea you may not even have thought of!

I may not know your child, but I’m guessing that she’s creative and impresses you regularly with her ideas. Take advantage of that and make it work for your family!

So in the next few days, notice what you tell your friends and spouse relative to a challenge you're having with your child. And see if you could just talk to your child about it directly instead of to a third party!

Another benefit of talking to your child about the dilemma is that it forces you to put it into words. And as you've likely also experienced, often times all that's needed to find a solution is to clearly verbalize the issue.

How about applying this with babies and not yet verbal toddlers?

And if your child is too young to work something out with you, I suggest that you STILL tell him or say out loud, in the midst of the situation, what your dilemma is.

This will help for three reasons:

A. Depending on your child’s age, she may understand some of it. Children tend to understand MUCH MORE than what we think they do!

B. Even if she doesn’t understand the words, she’ll sense and understand the intention of what you’re saying.

C. It’s a way of training yourself to look for win/win situations, and to think outside of the box. It’s a way to reset your (most likely) negative conditioning to an approach that is more conducive to having harmony in your family and meeting everyone’s needs.

If this isn’t already how you handle situations in your family, I really hope that you’ll try it and would love to hear how it works for you once you do!

And if this article and the Clean Parenting™ approach speak to you, and you’d like support in integrating it in your family life, check out my QUICK START PROGRAM!

This article is part of Module 8’s assignment, in which you’re asked to ponder this concept, work on applying it to each of the items on the list of challenging situations you created at the beginning of the program, and get to exchange about it with all the other committed parents in the Facebook group who are also working through the program alongside you.

SUGGESTIONS: If you liked this article, you'll likely also enjoy:

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Could You Be TOO Child-Centered?

7/28/2015

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By Eliane Sainte-Marie, founder of Parenting For Wholeness

Article: Could You Be TOO Child-Centered? by Eliane of Parenting For Wholeness ~ Positive parenting that works, heals, and changes the world.

Photo courtesy of Lisa Zahn

Are you surprised at how much energy and attention your child requires? Do you sometimes feel exhausted by it?

Are you puzzled at how demanding she is even though you strive so hard to meet all her needs?

That she sometimes doesn’t even seem like a happy child in spite of all you’re doing?

Are you discouraged that even though you model respectful behavior, your child is not respectful, compassionate and at times even pleasant to be around?

This a common issue I notice in many of the parents who come to me.

They are committed peaceful parents.

They’ve put a lot of time and energy in learning how to be the best possible parents to their children.

Many are highly motivated because they don’t want their children to experience the painful childhood they themselves experienced.

Yet they don’t have the child the peaceful parenting books promised. And they’re tired of bending over backwards trying to please their children. They believe somehow that parenting doesn’t have to be that hard, yet they don’t know how to get there.

Does that sound like you too?

Then it’s very possible that the problem is you’re too child centered.

That in an attempt to make sure that your children’s needs are met, you’re too focused on them instead of being the grounded leader they need and giving them the space to have their own life experience.

In order for our children to feel secure, it’s very important that they feel we are in charge, we know what we’re doing, that we have things under control, that they can rely on us.

(For a full discussion on this important topic, read my article The Key to Well-Behaved Children Who Listen to You, While Fully Respecting Them or listen to my interview Why Leadership Is the Missing Link in Conscious Parenting.)

If we turn to them for guidance on how to live our lives, spend of a lot of our days focused on them, looking for their input on most things, they will not have the sense that we’re in charge. They then won’t be able to relax into the safety of knowing that someone has things under control.

They need that knowing to be able to and free to focus on their own lives, their own experiences.

It’s important that we create lives that feel good to us, in which we focus on our own tasks and interests, and our children are on the periphery.

What we do should be compatible with our children, but our lives are not about them and their activities.

Having our children be our entertainment causes a shift from their intrinsic motivation and their own connection to their activities, to an extrinsic motivation where they aim to please us and get validation from us. It cuts off their self-connection.

It leads to children who want a lot of attention, feedback and approval on whatever they do, who can’t just appreciate what they enjoy doing for its own sake but are dependent on the validation of another to enjoy it.

This is often the cause of children who feel very demanding.

This is something that happened a lot with my children when they were young, when we visited my family in Montreal, for a few weeks at a time. We’d just hang out in the family room a lot and everybody would comment and “ooh” and “ah” at everything my children did.

They would as a result of it often be a lot more demanding of attention when we got back home, and it would take some adjustment for them to come back to just doing things of their own motivation.

It’s also very important for children to have space to be, do, learn and explore without any interference. This allows them to discover who they are, what they like, to learn, to grow into themselves.

Showing your children more benign neglect could be a very beneficial thing to their sense of self, and free you up to have more time and space for yourself!

So how do you apply this in your life when you’re often alone at home with them, and that there are limited ways to meet their social needs?

Please know that I’m not saying that you should never play with children or engage in their activities.

However, contrary to popular opinion, it is definitely NOT necessary to play with your children to meet their needs and build a strong connection with them.

Because of the artificial set-up of most of our families, our children are more reliant on us for their social needs than if we lived in ideal tribal or community situations.

It’s perfectly appropriate for us to do things with them, as long as we genuinely enjoy them, but those things need to comprise just one part of our overall enjoyable lives that include a lot of our own interests.

I played countless games of Skip-bo, Rummikub, cards, as well as read books and did puzzles with my girls.

As long as I enjoyed it and didn't make it my job.

What I saw as my job was to ensure that their social needs were met.

While many toddlers are happy being home alone with mom and maybe some siblings, some require more social engagement in order to have their social needs met. And most children 4 and older require regular time with children and adults other than their parents and primary caretakers to feel socially satisfied.

One guideline I have to determine if you're being child-centered or not is to check your energy when engaging with your child.

· Do you feel grounded in yourself or is your energy with your child?

· Are you being condescending and cutesy with your child or engaging from a clean place?

· Are you resenting giving him attention or are you genuinely interested or eager to interact with him?

Because this is a feeling thing, it's a bit tricky to describe, so I encourage you to just notice where your energy is when playing with your children.

HOW CHILD-CENTEREDNESS FEELS

Now I want to give you an experience of what child-centeredness feels like.

Have you ever been in a co-dependent relationship or seen someone close to you in one? This is what child-centeredness is like.

Read the following paragraph. Then close your eyes to feel into what I describe.

Imagine you’re in a romantic partnership with someone who absolutely adores you and/or is afraid of losing you. He makes his whole life about you and is every moment focused on how what he does impacts you. He asks your advice and permission on everything. He doesn’t want to do anything without including you. He's afraid of hurting you. He makes sure that any action he takes will not impact you negatively in any way.

Imagine what this would feel like, beyond the initial enjoyment of having someone’s full attention. Imagine living this way for years....

Once you’ve felt into it, now imagine the following:

You’re married to someone with whom you have a great connection, and you share a deep love for each other. Your spouse is a happy person who isn’t reliant on you for happiness. He also sees you as a whole and competent person. Though he loves spending time with you, participating in shared interests, he’s also happy in his own work, hobbies and other relationships. He deeply revels in your company, not because he needs it, but because of the quality of your connection. If you’re not available to spend time with him because of other activities you’re involved in, he happily finds something else to do. You share a home and a life but are still two independent people.

How does that feel?

Which of those do you most resembles what you have with your children?

If you have elements of co-dependency, what’s something you could do to move towards a healthier relationship with them?

FAMILY-CENTEREDNESS

What I propose, instead of being child-centered, is to be what I call ‘family-centeredness.’

The goal of family-centeredness is to find a way of living, and activities that meet everyone’s needs as much as possible.

To create a life that everyone enjoys, that has room for everyone’s interests.

Where there’s room for each person’s individuality and wholeness within the context of the loving and supportive family.

Of course, with babies and young children who are still dependent on the parents, some activities may be unavailable to parents for a few years. But it’s still important to create a life for yourself that you enjoy as well, and very possible even while meeting your children’s needs.

You deserve to be happy and have your needs met too. ♥

With much love,

P.S.: For more on this topic, make sure to read the comment section of this article. I've shared some additional ideas and resources, and asked 2 moms who completed my Clean Parenting™ program and mastered this principe to share here their advice after seeing them post it in a Facebook group.

FOR HELP PARENTING in a way that meets your children's needs AND is not child-centered, click the button below to request my FREE report:

The Almost Magical Formula for surprising EASE and HARMONY in your family while fully honoring your children’s spirits.

Click Here to Request The Report

SUGGESTIONS: If you liked this article, you'll likely also enjoy:

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In the transformational journey that is that program, you'll get my full and dedicated support in fully establishing your peaceful parenting foundation and clearing any obstacles, in you AND your children, that are in the way of all of you having your needs met.

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And if you resonate with what you read, email me to set up a FREE 30 minute Parenting Can Be Easy! Strategy session and we can discuss if it would be the right fit for you and your family.

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The #1 Question to Ask When Your Child 'Misbehaves'

4/4/2015

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By Eliane Sainte-Marie, founder of Parenting For Wholeness

Article: The 1 Question to Ask When Your Child Misbehaves by Eliane of Parenting For Wholeness ~ Positive parenting that works, heals, and changes the world.

Photo courtesy of Estelle Gaffric - To make sure the US doesn't censor it, my creative daughter Gaby edited it. :-)

So there’s one premise we need to be clear on before I divulge that tip. And it’s that our children are innately good.

I know you believe this, otherwise you wouldn’t be here.

But it’s one thing to believe it intellectually, and it’s another to actually be able to parent from it, moment by moment.

What I’m going to talk about here guides you to parent from that place.

(For a thorough discussion on believing that our children are innately good AND cooperative, request my report The Almost Magical Formula for Surprising Ease and Harmony in Your Family While Fully Honoring Your Children’s Spirits. It’s the first element of the formula.)

The thing is that once you truly know that your child’s nature is good, know it in your bones, when she ‘misbehaves,’ it will be obvious that it comes from a place of something being ‘off.’

So grounded in this knowing, the question you’ll ask yourself is:

"WHY is he behaving this way?"

Not in a "Why in the hell is he doing this?" way, but with genuine curiosity, wanting to really understand what’s going on inside your beloved child.

And then you’ll be able to address THAT. The REAL cause of the ‘misbehavior’ or the situation.

You’ll be able to address the underlying issue instead of just controlling the behavior. Like healing the actual cause of an illness instead of just taking a pill to mask the symptoms.

You’re going to understand that there’s a valid reason she's acting that way and you’ll start the detective work to uncover it.

Here are 10 questions you can ask yourself to help you figure out WHY your child is acting the way he is:

✔ What information does he need to shift his behavior of his own choice? “Oh honey, if you pick those flowers we won’t have them to keep our yard beautiful anymore.” “When you pull on the dog’s tail, it hurts him, just like it would hurt you if I was pulling on your ear.”

✔ Are my expectations of him realistic in this situation? Are you expecting an 18 month old to want to sit on a chair for 30 minutes while having dinner, when his whole drive at that age is towards motor development? Are you expecting a 4 year old to let you talk uninterrupted when he doesn’t have something engrossing to do or hasn’t had much connection time with you recently?

✔ Does she have a need that’s not being met and needs to be attended to? Is she tired or hungry, and in need of food or sleep, in order to no longer feel depleted and be able to cope with life? Has he been cooped up in an apartment for two days and is in dire need of open spaces and loud running around? Does he have food sensitivities yet has been eating triggering foods?

✔ Does he have an emotion or experience that needs to be processed? Did he throw down his cup because he’s feeling frustrated? Did he yell at you because he’s feeling overwhelmed by all he has to do to get ready for school? Is she acting out because she feels displaced by his new sibling?

✔ Is he responding to the way people around him are acting or feeling? Have you been feeling rushed and barking out directions at him instead of connecting with him while making your requests? Have you and your spouse been arguing and he’s feeling uncomfortable? Have you been especially busy and preoccupied recently?

✔ How can I respond so he truly FEELS that I'm on his team and not an adversary out to talk him out of what he wants or feels? Using a kind voice and helping him come up with a positive way to deal with the situations are examples of responses that will make him feel that you’re on his team.

✔ How can I state what's appropriate in this situation while honoring his feelings and needs? “I know you get really angry when your little sister breaks your Lego project, but you need to tell her with your words that you’re angry, not by hitting her.” “I know it’s really hard not to pick those pretty flowers. We can pick some of those pretty leaves if you want, or we can go throw the basketball together."

✔ Am I willing to set a clear limit and find a way to positively and consistently enforce it so he takes me seriously in the future? For children (especially young children) to learn what they can and can’t do, it needs to be clear and consistently enforced. Generally if you let them do something one time, or occasionally when you’re too tired to enforce the limit and help them find something else to do, they’ll keep doing it. And they'll learn not to believe what you tell them.

✔ What response will get me the long term result I want? It may seem easier to send a child who's hit his sibling to his room. But the long term effect will be that he won’t be any more prepared to deal with the situation the next time it happens. And you punishing him instead of helping him deal with his feelings will damage his connection to you, which will impact the amount of influence you have on him. (There's so much more that could be said on this subject! I guess I’ll need to write more about this soon. :-) )

✔ How can I address the cause of the behavior instead of the symptom? Your focus really needs to go to the cause of the ‘misbehavior,’ because it’s where the true resolution of it will come from. Dealing only with the behavior is likely to do very little to prevent it from occurring again, will not address the root cause which IS a problem your child is experiencing and needs support in resolving, and is likely to damage your relationship with him.

(For a convenient CHECKLIST of those questions, which you can post on your fridge for easy access when you really need them, click the button below.)

So there are really two general guidelines that I recommend you always keep in mind, when your child ‘misbehaves’:

1. Address the cause of the behavior instead of the symptom, otherwise you’re really not resolving anything.

2. Make sure that your response will get you the long term result you want and isn’t just a convenient quick fix which will end up backfiring in the long run.

Click here to request your CHECKLIST

FOR HELP ON PARENTING from a place of knowing that you're children are innately good, request my FREE report: The Almost Magical Formula for surprising EASE and HARMONY in your family while fully honoring your children’s spirits .

SUGGESTIONS: If you liked this article, you'll likely also enjoy:

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The Key to Well-Behaved Children Who Listen to You, While Fully Respecting Them

3/30/2015

29 Comments

By Eliane Sainte-Marie, founder of Parenting For Wholeness

Do you ever feel you have to make a choice between parenting peacefully and having well-behaved children who listen to you?

Or having a sense of order in your home?

Article by ELIANE: The Key to Well-Behaved Children Who Listen to You, While Fully Respecting Them. PARENTING FOR WHOLENESS ~ Positive parenting that works, heals, and changes the world.

Photo courtesy of Martin Durocher

Click PLAY to listen to the audio version of this article.

Or even though you don’t believe in coercive and authoritarian parenting, do you sometimes just wish you did so your children would do what you say? Even obey you?

Well I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to choose.

It IS possible to have well-behaved children who listen to you while fully honoring and respecting them.

What I’m talking about here is not obedient children who blindly follow any directions but children who trust you and know in their bones that you’re on their team, and therefore WANT to listen to you.

One thing I've sadly found through working with many peaceful, attachment, unschooling and Continuum Concept families, is that many of them end up giving up on the idea of effectiveness in their parenting, because they don’t believe it can happen in a way that’s respectful of their beloved children.

They don't want to squash their spirits.

They don’t want to control them.

They don't want to be authoritarian.

They don't want to do to their children what was done to them when they were children.

Sometimes chaos ends up reigning in those families. It's challenging to make anything happen.

And eventually the parents snap and respond to their children in ways they promised themselves they'd never do.

Does this ever happen to you?

I'm here to tell you that you don't have to give up on effectiveness to fully respect your children and to honor their spirits!

On the contrary, grounding yourself in Clean Parenting, which is highly effective because it taps into children's innate desire to cooperate and learn from their elders, is actually doing them a favor and meeting needs which aren't when we're afraid of offering clear, needed and appropriate guidance.

(For an in depth discussion of the four key elements of Clean Parenting, request my report THE ALMOST MAGICAL FORMULA For Surprising Ease and Harmony in Your Family While Fully Honoring Your Children’s Spirits.)

Click Here to Request The Report

What I’ve found to be the key to this ease, both in my family as well as the families I work with, is to own and embody our role as what I call being a benevolent leader.

Being a clear benevolent leader is one of the four key elements which constitutes the foundation of Clean Parenting, and by far the most misunderstood one, and most challenging to apply.

My favorite way of conveying this principle is to have you imagine moving somewhere with a completely different culture. Or even to a different planet.

Picture yourself being there alone, not knowing the language and not knowing any of the local customs; not knowing what is considered rude or might upset people or possibly even make them want to harm you; not knowing how to operate any of their technology or how to operate in their society, organizations, businesses, etc.

How would that feel?

Article: The Key to Well-Behaved Children Who Listen to You, While Fully Respecting Them by Eliane of Parenting For Wholeness ~ Positive parenting that works, heals, and changes the world.

Photo courtesy of Mona Sanei

And now imagine that you have a local guide who is there to help you acclimate. Would you do whatever you want, or would you check with that trusted person to find out what's appropriate?

Would that person be controlling you or helping you adapt to the culture?

As far as that guide goes, would you prefer someone who is afraid to give you information, who is apologetic and who avoids giving you directions as much as possible? Or would you want someone who knows you well, knows what you already know and what you haven’t encountered yet, and matter-of-factly presents you with the information you need when you need it?

I’m hoping you got a clear sense of what I mean by being a benevolent leader by doing this reflection.

Being a leader as a parent is tapping into the natural order of things, from an evolutionary perspective, in which children look to their elders to learn about the world and for guidance on how to conduct themselves.

In our society parents tend to either be:

1) AUTHORITARIAN, in a way that doesn’t really respect children and meet their needs, and damages their sense of self

OR

2) PERMISSIVE, because they really want to honor and trust their children and not do to them what their own parents did. Yet those permissive parents often find themselves wavering between the two approaches because they can’t find something that works and is in alignment with their values.

The thing is that young children don't have the experience nor the big picture in mind to make decisions, in many situations. Therefore it is normal and healthy for us to make those decisions for them, for our family. This organically and quickly shifts as they get older and grow in their ability to make decisions.

At the same time it’s critically important that we guide them in a way that is totally respectful, nurtures their sense of self, and doesn’t in any way damage our relationship with them.

Here’s what it looks like:

It’s really a way of being, a stance where we are clear, loving and grounded in ourselves.
We deeply understand that our children are eager to contribute and cooperate.
We know that they are innately caring, compassionate, responsible, loving, etc., so that we don’t have to coerce them into any way to get them to act the way we’re directing them.
We know that they want and need to learn from us how to function in our society.
We completely respect and trust them.
We always take their needs into account.
And from this place we offer information matter-of-factly, knowing that they’ll welcome it and act on it.
We don’t pussy foot around setting limits or telling them not to do something because we don’t fear that it’s going to negatively impact them.
Nowhere in our words or attitude is there a hint that they’re bad or wrong.
It’s so understood in the relationship that it's our place to teach our child that they automatically look for our feedback when not sure how to do something.
If they are doing something that’s not appropriate, one look will be enough to understand and shift their behavior because of the level of trust that’s present.
Often, all that’s needed is a look, (This is isn’t in any way done in a judgmental or shaming perspective, but from a very deep mutual understanding that it’s the parent’s job to show the child the way.)

Watch this video of my 27 year old daughter demonstrating how she used Clear Benevolent Leadership to a boy in one of her coaches' gymnastics classes (as well as to see what a child parented in the way I teach looks like as an adult - proud mama moment here. ♥)

What I’m describing here may seem utopic, but I guarantee that it’s possible. It is the trickiest things I teach (which I’m eternally grateful to Jean Liedloff, author of The Continuum Concept for teaching me!) because it’s not something most of us have had any modeling of. But when it clicks into place with my clients is when I suddenly hear how totally easy their life also gets!

It does take work to integrate, but I promise that once your leadership is established, your life will be so much easier! It might be even straight up easy, as mine was, so it’s well worth the time and focus to achieve it. And it is well worth doing any inner work you need to do around this to clear what’s in your way of embodying it.

In order for this firm, clear and benevolent leadership to work, the following HAS to be present:

Your children need to fully trust you and fully feel that you’re on their team. From that place it’s easy to guide them because they are open to you. They KNOW you’re with them and not against them, so you can easily tap into their innate desire to learn and cooperate.
You need to know and trust that they genuinely want and need to learn from you. That you teaching them the social ways is welcome, needed and truly beneficial to them.
You need to know that they NEED leadership and that your firm guidance will not harm them or their sense of independence and autonomy. On the contrary, it will give them the inner freedom they need to actually grow in these areas!
You need to deeply respect your child and what his needs and important preferences are. You need to honor his needs and what matters to him as you guide him. This will insure that he’ll trust you and want to follow your guidance, and that he won't be in any way harmed by your firm guidance.

If children don’t feel your clear leadership, they will act out as a way to express their inner discomfort. Their acting out is NOT a call for more freedom but a call for clearer guidance, for the leadership that will make their world feel right and will make them feel secure.

If what you read resonates with you, I STRONGLY encourage you to do whatever it takes to embody this in your family. The results on the quality of life of your family, and the incredible EASE you’ll feel in your parenting, is something you’ll likely be eternally grateful for.

I know I am.

For a thorough discussion of Clean Parenting™, request my FREE report, The Almost Magical Formula For Surprising Ease and Harmony in Your Family While Fully Honoring Your Children’s Spirits. It describes the four principles which when used together, truly lead to astounding ease and harmony in families.

Click Here to Request The Report

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QUICK START Program - an Introduction to Clean Parenting™.

This article is part of Module 10’s assignment, in which you’re asked to ponder this concept, work on applying it to each of the items on the list of challenging situations you created at the beginning of the program, and get to exchange about it with all the other committed parents in the Facebook group who are also working through the program alongside you.

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